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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    Hey you! :hugs: Please take care of yourself, sweetie. What kind of job do you want? Maybe it would help to have a look for a job to focus you on recovery?

    ETA - I was doing ok, stressed off my head atm though. I don't know if you know, but my Dad went to Afghanistan nearly a month ago and everything is piling up. I'm training for a new job (just scroll up to see what I think of that :p:), my college course finishes in a month and I haven't done half the work due to a **** up with the tutor, I have a riding and driving lessons to sort out, I haven't seen half my mates in about 4 months and I have uni accommodation to sort out, and a load of other worries. So uhm. Not so good.
    Oh kissmenow, it sounds like you have a hell of a lot going on. Hopefully once you sort out the things you can sort out like your uni accommodation everything else will seem less overwhelming. Is your Dad in the army or something? It must be so worrying for you. :hugs:

    Tbh, I don't really want a job, I just feel like I should be productive with my time. I don't know what I want...

    Steffi.alexa, thanks so much. I think I'll take you up on the offer of a PM if you don't mind, I have the utmost respect for anyone who manages to sustain recovery. I'm completely ambivalent about recovery and I have a huge issue with actually wanting it, if you know what I mean. I keep saying in my head, I have nothing to lose and things can't get any worse but then I have to fight with the conflicting thoughts in my head about negative behaviours etc.
    :hugs: How are you doing now? I mean in general.
    Are you sure it's ok to PM you? I don't want to trigger you or anything.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Oh kissmenow, it sounds like you have a hell of a lot going on. Hopefully once you sort out the things you can sort out like your uni accommodation everything else will seem less overwhelming. Is your Dad in the army or something? It must be so worrying for you. :hugs:

    Tbh, I don't really want a job, I just feel like I should be productive with my time. I don't know what I want...

    Steffi.alexa, thanks so much. I think I'll take you up on the offer of a PM if you don't mind, I have the utmost respect for anyone who manages to sustain recovery. I'm completely ambivalent about recovery and I have a huge issue with actually wanting it, if you know what I mean. I keep saying in my head, I have nothing to lose and things can't get any worse but then I have to fight with the conflicting thoughts in my head about negative behaviours etc.
    :hugs: How are you doing now? I mean in general.
    Are you sure it's ok to PM you? I don't want to trigger you or anything.
    Of course it's okay for you to PM me! It's the things in my own life (such as exams) that trigger me, and even then it's never for more than a day now, because I've learnt how to stop it - I don't want to go back there, despite my depression I know it would be a million times worse if I relapsed.

    I know what you mean about actually wanting it, so many times I've been tempted to not fight any more, but I'm always glad when I carry on - life is so different when you're recovering. When I was first in the depths of it and again last year when I relapsed, I couldn't remember what life was like before my eating disorder, I thought everyone had to put up with feeling so mentally and physically awful but I assure you, life without an eating disorder is not only a million times better, it's also easier and means that you can focus on sorting other things out :hugs:

    The negative thoughts do fade and eventually disappear, you'll learn to shut them up whenever they come back and then you can have months and months without them until one day you'll suddenly realise that you've recovered. Don't let it ruin your life like it does so many :console:
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Ah that pisses me off loads too. And all the morons walking 0.5miles an hour 4 in a row so you have to walk on the road to get past. Or they just walk into you if you're going to other way, how dare I want them to move over a bit. :rolleyes: People are morons so I can definitely understand your frustration there. Music helps, something to take your mind off it. Don't feel bad about the eating disorder thing either, obviously it's not ideal but you've recognized it which is great so hopefully you can keep on top of it.

    I'm not so sure about that. Keep hearing people talking about what they're going to do with the photos and laughing about it etc. Yeah I know I have to be honest with the form, but it just confirms to me what a complete freak and how from normal I am.
    Yep, most people are morons. Why do the decent people have to be the minority? I'm feeling okay about the ED now, I know how to deal with it.

    Even if there are people doing that (and I'm not saying there are) then the best thing to do is ignore them. People are jerks, but most have the attention span of something really un-attention-y and they'll get bored if you don't give them any reaction.

    If you are truthful on that form, you stand a chance of getting better. And so what if you think you're a freak? You're not and your doctor etc have seen it all before, you're not going to be a unique case. They just want to know so that they can help you.


    (Original post by CertifiedAngel)
    Oh no, :hugs: How long had it been since you went outside? And don't worry we all get annoyed at times, with me i mostly take out my anger on my siblings when they come to visit i usually get annoyed easily and just really angry which is weird cos i dont feel any anger towards them.
    I know what you mean about the numbness aswell. Hoepfully after our stressful exams it WILL get better
    I left the house on... Wednesday but that was to go to sixth form. I haven't been anywhere 'unsafe' or unfamiliar in months.

    Let's hope. I've become really spacey now...

    ---

    I need to get up the guts to post in another soc thread... I've been meaning to for months but... I know what the advice, if any, will be but it might help to actually tell someone that isn't a friend who's been through that and suspected it anyway.

    Okay, now I'm making now sense and I feel really strange.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Oh kissmenow, it sounds like you have a hell of a lot going on. Hopefully once you sort out the things you can sort out like your uni accommodation everything else will seem less overwhelming. Is your Dad in the army or something? It must be so worrying for you. :hugs:

    Tbh, I don't really want a job, I just feel like I should be productive with my time. I don't know what I want...
    Ehehe, who does?! :p: I'm sure talking to Steffi will be far more productive than anything I could come up with, anyway. So don't worry about that

    My Dad is in the RAF, he works on the air fields so in terms of danger he's got very good odds, compared to other members of the Forces out there, but it's still a war zone. I normally shove that one to the back of my mind because I can't change it. I'm more worried about the college work, only a month or so left and it's slowly slipping away from me! I can't fail again :no: I set myself the deadline of writing at least half of one of my essays that I need to hand a draft in of next Tuesday and so far I've written... the title. Feck.
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    :cry: Okay, this is getting me down now. This probably isn't the thread to post it in but I'm so fed up of this now! I just want to be able to stop obsessing over this until uni, then I can figure things out, away from everyone (mainly my parents) for now... URGH.
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    Back in the same old situation - hate being around other people but then when I'm alone with my thoughts that's horrible too. Feels like I have no interests or opinions of my own any more, just go along with whatever someone else tells me to do. I'm starting to resent my own family, cos they're the only thing stopping me from ending it. And I'm trying to give up self-harming, which is a stupid idea cos whenever I try it only makes me feel worse.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Of course it's okay for you to PM me! It's the things in my own life (such as exams) that trigger me, and even then it's never for more than a day now, because I've learnt how to stop it - I don't want to go back there, despite my depression I know it would be a million times worse if I relapsed.

    I know what you mean about actually wanting it, so many times I've been tempted to not fight any more, but I'm always glad when I carry on - life is so different when you're recovering. When I was first in the depths of it and again last year when I relapsed, I couldn't remember what life was like before my eating disorder, I thought everyone had to put up with feeling so mentally and physically awful but I assure you, life without an eating disorder is not only a million times better, it's also easier and means that you can focus on sorting other things out :hugs:

    The negative thoughts do fade and eventually disappear, you'll learn to shut them up whenever they come back and then you can have months and months without them until one day you'll suddenly realise that you've recovered. Don't let it ruin your life like it does so many :console:
    How did you learn that? And how long did it take?
    I suppose it's different for everyone.
    I'm so worried though, it physically hurts how much I WANT to go back to where I was. And I know I shouldn't want it.
    I'm trying to tell myself that I was in a bad place and I should want to be healthy and as happy as I can be but it's so alluring. I think the problem is, and I've told the doctors this, the depression that doesn't go away. I was in treatment for a year and a half, been on a ridiculous amount of meds and nothing works. If the depression isn't going to go away, then I have to live with it. But that's the thought that makes everything so bleak, I can't stand the thought of living with myself and the way I feel every single day. But I can't escape myself. Not really.
    So I have to learn that I'm ok really. I'm not that bad.
    But I don't believe it.
    And I suppose that's the hardest part.
    It would be SO much easier to give in, give up. But something won't let me.
    I really want to though. And when I'm actually discharged from hospital there will be nothing *really* stopping me. But I owe it to myself to try recovery at least. If it's crap I know how to go back.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    Back in the same old situation - hate being around other people but then when I'm alone with my thoughts that's horrible too. Feels like I have no interests or opinions of my own any more, just go along with whatever someone else tells me to do. I'm starting to resent my own family, cos they're the only thing stopping me from ending it. And I'm trying to give up self-harming, which is a stupid idea cos whenever I try it only makes me feel worse.
    Give up the things you know are bad, because you know that you will just feel worse after.
    In the case of the opinions, why not try and "gather" some?...you dont want to be someone who is swayed by anything, you want to be strong..and being strong will enable you to fight anything that comes your way. One of the main things to do is to find out who you are, do you know this?..Its not easy, but the more you find out who you are the more you will start getting your own opinions, the more people will start to respect you and the more you will start to respect yourself...you know?

    (Original post by allieRAWR!)
    Buh


    Why can't life just be easy? I just want to be happy and fulfilled. Heh, just imagine that. Some people don't know how good they've got it :o:
    You have it pretty good yourself.
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    (Original post by jakemittle)
    Give up the things you know are bad, because you know that you will just feel worse after.
    In the case of the opinions, why not try and "gather" some?...you dont want to be someone who is swayed by anything, you want to be strong..and being strong will enable you to fight anything that comes your way. One of the main things to do is to find out who you are, do you know this?..Its not easy, but the more you find out who you are the more you will start getting your own opinions, the more people will start to respect you and the more you will start to respect yourself...you know?
    I did used to have my own thoughts and opinions, it's since I started getting seriously depressed that it's happened. I barely care about anything - I never read the news any more and have pretty much no interest in the outside world, it's impossible to make even the smallest decisions, my mind's just a complete mess. I used to know who I was, but now I can't really remember any more. I don't even care enough to try and change things. Thanks for trying to help though.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    I did used to have my own thoughts and opinions, it's since I started getting seriously depressed that it's happened. I barely care about anything - I never read the news any more and have pretty much no interest in the outside world, it's impossible to make even the smallest decisions, my mind's just a complete mess. I used to know who I was, but now I can't really remember any more. I don't even care enough to try and change things. Thanks for trying to help though.
    Youre one of those people that needs something big to happen in your life and then you will see the changes coming..
    Or what you could do, is get that mess of your mind..and try and sort things out one at a time
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    I shouldn't drink, it always makes me feel terrible (mentally) afterwards :cry:
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    Miserable isn't it. How's life going otherwise?
    Mmm yeah its ok I guess. End of my first year at Uni and I actually miss it. Going on holiday next week and I just can't stop worrying about it, I should be more excited but its the flying and the being in another country which freaks me out. I don't want to be a wreck. Also got a big decission ( possibly life changing) to make...don't know what to decide...hmm..

    How are you?
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    How did you learn that? And how long did it take?
    I suppose it's different for everyone.
    I'm so worried though, it physically hurts how much I WANT to go back to where I was. And I know I shouldn't want it.
    I'm trying to tell myself that I was in a bad place and I should want to be healthy and as happy as I can be but it's so alluring. I think the problem is, and I've told the doctors this, the depression that doesn't go away. I was in treatment for a year and a half, been on a ridiculous amount of meds and nothing works. If the depression isn't going to go away, then I have to live with it. But that's the thought that makes everything so bleak, I can't stand the thought of living with myself and the way I feel every single day. But I can't escape myself. Not really.
    So I have to learn that I'm ok really. I'm not that bad.
    But I don't believe it.
    And I suppose that's the hardest part.
    It would be SO much easier to give in, give up. But something won't let me.
    I really want to though. And when I'm actually discharged from hospital there will be nothing *really* stopping me. But I owe it to myself to try recovery at least. If it's crap I know how to go back.

    :hugs: Many months of counselling and just forcing myself to eat. I realised that I had to just do as everyone told me to or I would end up feeling as bad as I did forever. It doesn't have to be that way, just stay strong (and you can, given the nature of the eating disorder). Gradually more of you will return and there will be less of the eating disorder.

    Counselling/talking therapy equips you with the techniques to get rid of the thoughts and to stop relapse. You have to try and do what the doctors say - it's your eating disorder making staying ill seem alluring, it's a very, very rose-tinted view.

    From where I'm standing now (and I'm having a very good day with food and my body, which is about 90% of my days), although I'm a little hazy on what it was like (as I tend to forget how horrible it was unless I focus on it) I know that I hated it and it was awful, so awful that if there was a way to stop anyone else suffering it...

    And you have to try and stay positive and receptive to any treatment for your depression, there will be something out there :yep: There always is and when you find it you may not think it works at first, but gradually it will and one day you'll realise that you've made it through it and you will be so grateful to everyone that helped. That's how it is for your eating disorder too.

    Just to say, even if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for everyone that cares for you. At first I didn't quite see the impact I was having on my friends and family but since I started recovery, 3 of my friends have fallen victim to anorexia and bulimia and it is heart breaking. You can't help them unless they want to be helped, but once they do accept help and they start getting help from professionals, you see how much happier they are and it's honestly such a relief - you know that they're not living through it any more.

    It's not your fault you're ill, so please never blame yourself, it is the eating disorder controlling you, making you do horrible things to yourself but you can beat it! You might have days when you feel you can't, but when you get through them it makes it that much easier :console:

    Living with an eating disorder is hell, but once you start recovery everything gets easier and I promise you, though I doubt you'll believe me, nothing beats the feeling of being well on the path to recovery.

    It's going to be hard, I won't lie, but get through this and life is just... Amazing, really. :console:

    Sorry for the essay haha.
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    Day 20 of citalopram. Feeling slightly better, slightly less anxious but I'm still not as good as I'd like to be. Does anyone have any experience with this AD?
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    (Original post by gooner1991)
    Day 20 of citalopram. Feeling slightly better, slightly less anxious but I'm still not as good as I'd like to be. Does anyone have any experience with this AD?
    It never really takes the anxiety away but it does make you feel a lot better a lot more of the time. I'm on month 5 of it now.

    Feeling really low tonight though for some reason :sad:
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    Not feeling great tonight at all.
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    (Original post by RachelOranges)
    Mmm yeah its ok I guess. End of my first year at Uni and I actually miss it. Going on holiday next week and I just can't stop worrying about it, I should be more excited but its the flying and the being in another country which freaks me out. I don't want to be a wreck. Also got a big decission ( possibly life changing) to make...don't know what to decide...hmm..

    How are you?
    I'd see missing uni as a good thing. It shows you must have enjoyed it at least a bit. How did exams go? Hope you do end up having a good holiday, whereabouts are you going? Life-changing decision sounds pretty ominous...

    I'm sort of ok, spent the last two months in hospital and while I am relieved to be out I just feel like nothing's changed. I'm still pretty depressed, still pretending to my family that I feel better then I really do. Feels like I'll never really get better, just have the occasional minor improvement then back to being a complete mess.
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    My loss of appetite is getting ridiculous now, it's probably the reason that I've been feeling so tired and drained for the past week or so. Best go eat something I guess, I'm just not sure if I have the energy to get to the kitchen!

    Are there any ways of increasing my appetite? Because I don't monitor my diet for obvious reasons it normally takes me quite a few weeks to realise :sad:
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    Was crying unable to do anything for about 3 hours straight. The pain inside was so immense, I've only felt that bad once before in my life that I remember. Just lying in bed, fists clenched, so so much emotional pain ripping me to shreds, I wanted to punch the wall until my knuckles bled just to take my mind off how awful I felt inside. Toyed with the idea of smashing my head into the wall until I knocked myself out, took everything I had just to resist that. In the end, yeah I snapped. Quite a lot of pain but it worked, now it's more a dull ache inside and can't really straighten my right fingers but so worth it. And you know, it was a pretty insignificant thing that set me off, it just built up. Feel like a psycho.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    My loss of appetite is getting ridiculous now, it's probably the reason that I've been feeling so tired and drained for the past week or so. Best go eat something I guess, I'm just not sure if I have the energy to get to the kitchen!

    Are there any ways of increasing my appetite? Because I don't monitor my diet for obvious reasons it normally takes me quite a few weeks to realise :sad:
    You could try going for a long walk perhaps? Or a bike ride or something. Just like gentle exercise. I dunno if that will work. sorry.
 
 
 
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