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    ********************. I am a massive moving **** up. ****. ****. :cry:
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    My CPN is possibly the most incompetent sod out there, really is in the wrong profession. You just get the impression when speaking to him that he's only there because he's paid to be there, he doesn't seem to particularly like the job or put much effort in.

    His solutions seem to be fill this questionnaire in, oh I'll pass that onto the psychiatrist and get back to you (never does though), oh I'm not really sure about this, that, or the other. It's actually gotten to the point where I'm having to search through medical journals for various medication combination therapies in order to recommend them to him because he hasn't got the faintest clue. He wasn't even aware that fluoxetine can be co-prescribed along side Olanzapine for treatment resistant depression. I do despair sometimes.
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    I can't ******* do this anymore. I can't take my family any more, my brother is being his typical **** self and my parents don't care, but they'll gladly tell me off for not doing work etc when my brother spend every God damn second half dressed, playing WoW and being a douche.

    I ******* fail at everything, I don't even have the guts to end it.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    ...
    But I see you still came out with great results despite your extenuating circumstances. That's why, with me, there's just no point. Can I ask if you one more thing? How does one know if they're devloping an eating disorder?

    (Original post by natty_d)
    ...
    Thanks. I guess I'll have notify somebody in my school but would I have to provide a doctors note as some kind of proof? Jeez, I've been to see the doctor twice in one month and I don't want to bother him again :no:

    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    ...And hi btw
    Hi. And yeah like I said I'll go to see the psycologist and hope something will change. Can't help but hope they put me on meds because, like you said, it is pretty life destroying. And thanks.
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    I hate my job. Arghhhhhhh

    Maths GCSE tomorrow, no time to revise, shattered, bored, lonely, my feet hurt, I haven't written my essay for Tuesday, sigh. :nothing:
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    (Original post by Onyx.)
    Thanks. I guess I'll have notify somebody in my school but would I have to provide a doctors note as some kind of proof? Jeez, I've been to see the doctor twice in one month and I don't want to bother him again :no:
    Tell them and they will know the best course of action and they probably will need a note and don't be silly :p: Doctors are there to be bothered, there was a time where I saw the doctor practically everyday for a week :o:
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    (Original post by Onyx.)
    But I see you still came out with great results despite your extenuating circumstances. That's why, with me, there's just no point. Can I ask if you one more thing? How does one know if they're devloping an eating disorder?



    Thanks. I guess I'll have notify somebody in my school but would I have to provide a doctors note as some kind of proof? Jeez, I've been to see the doctor twice in one month and I don't want to bother him again :no:



    Hi. And yeah like I said I'll go to see the psycologist and hope something will change. Can't help but hope they put me on meds because, like you said, it is pretty life destroying. And thanks.
    Just tell your school what's going on, go to the exams and see, you never know. And I see my doctor twice a month anyway, they're not going to mind at all!

    As a general rule, you don't realise you're developing an eating disorder until one day you wake and and think ****, I've got one. By then you're in pretty deep. Evil, evil things. If you think you may be developing one, talk to your doctor they'll be able to help.

    ---

    Does anyone know if schools are allowed to call students' GPs? I have a feeling mine did before half term (probably to do with the whole telling uni stuff) as my mother went down to pick up a prescription and my GP spoke to her about me and he knew that I wasn't in school, which he can't have known unless my school told him...

    Oh well.

    I'm a horrible mix of very, very numb and on the verge of another massive break down/crying session/whatever. Pretty fed up, I want to revise and do well - if I mess up History A level, even if I reapply next year, what unis are going to want to let me study ancient history?!?
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    My mum came to visit me today I thought it'd be great to finally have someone to actually talk to, what a huge mistake that was. I haven't had an eye test in years but put it off so she could help me pick out new glasses (as she always complains about my current ones), and one place had a great buy one get one free offer so was going to get that but she was a total ***** the whole time. I'd ask which she prefers and she just goes "They're both horrible, I hate them, they make you look fatter, I can't choose they're both so awful", tried not to let it get to me (the pair she picked out was seriously retarded, bright colours and they had silver stars on the side ). Anyway, I went to pay and they're like nope, computer won't let us mix adult and kids pairs (I have a small face) so I couldn't get them. She tells me this is great because she didn't like them anyway and now we can go buy the single more expensive pair that we saw earlier and she liked and I thought was meh. Great. :rolleyes: Saw a pair of long shorts and tried to buy them but she tells me to get a bigger size instead because I'm so "huge" (thanks), turns out they're too big, haha **** you mum, though now I have to return them... On the way to the other opticians she turns to me and says "you need to buy bigger tshirts, whenever you put your jacket on I can see your fat bulge out". Those were her exact words. Even when I told her how much that hurt she says she's just telling the truth - even when I then pointed out it's actually because I lost 14lbs since May 28th so my jeans were a bit too big and hence too low she just tells me she still saw fat and is just informing me like I hadn't already noticed.

    She's been telling me how fat I am since I was about 7, just because I was bigger than average, I was 10lbs when I was born and much bigger than my brothers she keeps reminding me. I was on 5 sports teams at school, including long distance running, I play 2 sports a lot at uni now (and I'm talking about proper sports not golf) she knows I took that ******* "medication" which made me pile weight on, I think she just loves finally being right. Finally I am really quite a lot heavier than I should be and she loves it. She gets to put me down even more than usual and really rub it in my face. She can tell me how fat I am over and over again, how I should buy the bigger size, how much I let her down all the time, how I'm never ever good enough even though everytime she phones me up and asks me to do things I do them for her. Everytime I go to her house, I repair whatever needs doing, I cook dinners, I do the garden, I paint rooms/furniture/the gate, I go to the store with her and advise which washing machine/tv/whatever would be best and where to buy it from to get the best deal. But now she's finally right, she has something to be really ******* happy about, she can put me down so much and I can't say anything back because she's actually right.



    I'm sorry for the rant. I've been bottling it up all day, I was crying when she was looking at shoes. No one else to talk to. Sorry. I know I'm pathetic. I don't expect a reply, you all have actual problems. Sorry.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    My mum came to visit me today I thought it'd be great to finally have someone to actually talk to, what a huge mistake that was. I haven't had an eye test in years but put it off so she could help me pick out new glasses (as she always complains about my current ones), and one place had a great buy one get one free offer so was going to get that but she was a total ***** the whole time. I'd ask which she prefers and she just goes "They're both horrible, I hate them, they make you look fatter, I can't choose they're both so awful", tried not to let it get to me (the pair she picked out was seriously retarded, bright colours and they had silver stars on the side ). Anyway, I went to pay and they're like nope, computer won't let us mix adult and kids pairs (I have a small face) so I couldn't get them. She tells me this is great because she didn't like them anyway and now we can go buy the single more expensive pair that we saw earlier and she liked and I thought was meh. Great. :rolleyes: Saw a pair of long shorts and tried to buy them but she tells me to get a bigger size instead because I'm so "huge" (thanks), turns out they're too big, haha **** you mum, though now I have to return them... On the way to the other opticians she turns to me and says "you need to buy bigger tshirts, whenever you put your jacket on I can see your fat bulge out". Those were her exact words. Even when I told her how much that hurt she says she's just telling the truth - even when I then pointed out it's actually because I lost 14lbs since May 28th so my jeans were a bit too big and hence too low she just tells me she still saw fat and is just informing me like I hadn't already noticed.

    She's been telling me how fat I am since I was about 7, just because I was bigger than average, I was 10lbs when I was born and much bigger than my brothers she keeps reminding me. I was on 5 sports teams at school, including long distance running, I play 2 sports a lot at uni now (and I'm talking about proper sports not golf) she knows I took that ******* "medication" which made me pile weight on, I think she just loves finally being right. Finally I am really quite a lot heavier than I should be and she loves it. She gets to put me down even more than usual and really rub it in my face. She can tell me how fat I am over and over again, how I should buy the bigger size, how much I let her down all the time, how I'm never ever good enough even though everytime she phones me up and asks me to do things I do them for her. Everytime I go to her house, I repair whatever needs doing, I cook dinners, I do the garden, I paint rooms/furniture/the gate, I go to the store with her and advise which washing machine/tv/whatever would be best and where to buy it from to get the best deal. But now she's finally right, she has something to be really ******* happy about, she can put me down so much and I can't say anything back because she's actually right.



    I'm sorry for the rant. I've been bottling it up all day, I was crying when she was looking at shoes. No one else to talk to. Sorry. I know I'm pathetic. I don't expect a reply, you all have actual problems. Sorry.
    I don't mean to offend you, but your mother has serious problems. Just ignore her, she's being a... -insert rude word- If that's the only 'bad' thing she can focus on, the that shows that there's not that much bad in you. :console: Just try to ignore her. And you do have 'actual problems' - you've been diagnosed with a mental health condition, you have every right to come on here and rant and rave until you're blue in the face about your mother :yep:

    And yes, shopping for glasses with the mother is awful (I don't wear them... Yet... But my mother had to pick out 2 pairs on Friday) - there was lots of arguing from my mother and telling me off for simply saying they all looked nice. I think mothers are a little crazy TBH. But just ignore your's, that's what I do whenever my parents are being horrible to me, I just ignore them. It does work quite well.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    I don't mean to offend you, but your mother has serious problems. Just ignore her, she's being a... -insert rude word- If that's the only 'bad' thing she can focus on, the that shows that there's not that much bad in you. :console: Just try to ignore her. And you do have 'actual problems' - you've been diagnosed with a mental health condition, you have every right to come on here and rant and rave until you're blue in the face about your mother :yep:

    And yes, shopping for glasses with the mother is awful (I don't wear them... Yet... But my mother had to pick out 2 pairs on Friday) - there was lots of arguing from my mother and telling me off for simply saying they all looked nice. I think mothers are a little crazy TBH. But just ignore your's, that's what I do whenever my parents are being horrible to me, I just ignore them. It does work quite well.
    lmao don't worry, I'm certainly not offended. I'm just so upset that after trying so hard to make her proud of me and to be happy with me she still hates everything about me. Everytime I see her the first thing she will say will be an insult about what I'm wearing, or she doesn't like my deodorant, or my hair is a mess, after that she'll give me a list of all the things she needs doing.

    Oh yeah, I get that too, more because I know nothing about fashion but I still try to say which is better imo, she never listens anyway. Next time you should just say one, because if your mum is anything like mine she won't listen but at least it'll be one less cause for argument. Then again that can backfire too, if she goes with what you said and something is wrong it'll be your fault of course. :p:



    one good (good? i dunno) thing, she gave me a bag with some of my stuff in, like socks, a book, cd, random stuff I'd left behind, and hidden in it was a book I'd written in when I was a kid. I just read parts of it. One bit is going on about how I'm only 13 yet it's certainly not the first time I've considered suicide then listing all the **** things in my life.

    I don't remember writing some of the stuff in there, but ****, this is never going to end. I'm 22.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    one good (good? i dunno) thing, she gave me a bag with some of my stuff in, like socks, a book, cd, random stuff I'd left behind, and hidden in it was a book I'd written in when I was a kid. I just read parts of it. One bit is going on about how I'm only 13 yet it's certainly not the first time I've considered suicide then listing all the **** things in my life.

    I don't remember writing some of the stuff in there, but ****, this is never going to end. I'm 22.
    Yeah your mum is really rude. I think going shopping with her was really nice of you and she was completely ungrateful. I honestly think her comments make her the pathetic one, not you. If she had to take the medication that you've been taking, I bet she'd never of dealt with it half as well as you have.

    I think you need to accept that she either isn't or refuses to show she's proud of you. But you still should be proud of yourself. You're doing well to be at uni and obviously trying your best to deal with something that's probably been going on for nearly half your life. You've tried loads of meds and put up with side effects that all of us here would struggle with and even though you might still feel crap, I do think eventually you'll find something that works. And you'll be an even more amazing person than you already are because you'll know far more about living and how hard it can be than most people. :hugs:

    And if its any source of hope for anyone, I've actually feel quite a lot better over the last few days. I guess the citalopram must've kicked in or perhaps its the nice weather. I'm still not really revising though..
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    lmao don't worry, I'm certainly not offended. I'm just so upset that after trying so hard to make her proud of me and to be happy with me she still hates everything about me. Everytime I see her the first thing she will say will be an insult about what I'm wearing, or she doesn't like my deodorant, or my hair is a mess, after that she'll give me a list of all the things she needs doing.

    Oh yeah, I get that too, more because I know nothing about fashion but I still try to say which is better imo, she never listens anyway. Next time you should just say one, because if your mum is anything like mine she won't listen but at least it'll be one less cause for argument. Then again that can backfire too, if she goes with what you said and something is wrong it'll be your fault of course. :p:



    one good (good? i dunno) thing, she gave me a bag with some of my stuff in, like socks, a book, cd, random stuff I'd left behind, and hidden in it was a book I'd written in when I was a kid. I just read parts of it. One bit is going on about how I'm only 13 yet it's certainly not the first time I've considered suicide then listing all the **** things in my life.

    I don't remember writing some of the stuff in there, but ****, this is never going to end. I'm 22.
    Some people are just like that, try to ignore her, it sounds like she has her own issues that she's trying to place on you or something.

    My mother did eventually decide (we spent over 2 hours in there :sigh:) and went for a pair I'd picked, trying to get her to get out of the shop (it still took another half hour though!).

    And seriously, just try to ignore her, that's all you can do whilst she learns to deal with whatever issues she's got going on (probably a case of giving too much of a damn about what everyone thinks from the sounds of it).

    :hugs: Something is going to work for you, you just haven't found it yet. I remember feeling the same when I was 13 but just because life's dealt us a load of **** now doesn't mean it's going to be forever.

    ---

    You know, I was having a really good day until my brother woke up and started being horrible to me.

    Also, I haven't spoken to anyone I know IRL in ages, and I really don't want to. I also don't want to go to this camp out thing they're planning, but I know if I tell them I can't go, I'll get a tonne of abuse. Just not worth it frankly.

    Oh and I got a letter from the talking therapy people (have I already told you all this?) and they apologised for the long wait and told me that I have to wait even longer, but if I phone them and give them my email address, they can send me online stuff... 1) Yay, more of a wait. Joy. 2) I don't want to call them, I hate calling people and it would make more sense to have some sort of email system...
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    (Original post by Saffie)
    Yeah your mum is really rude. I think going shopping with her was really nice of you and she was completely ungrateful. I honestly think her comments make her the pathetic one, not you. If she had to take the medication that you've been taking, I bet she'd never of dealt with it half as well as you have.

    I think you need to accept that she either isn't or refuses to show she's proud of you. But you still should be proud of yourself. You're doing well to be at uni and obviously trying your best to deal with something that's probably been going on for nearly half your life. You've tried loads of meds and put up with side effects that all of us here would struggle with and even though you might still feel crap, I do think eventually you'll find something that works. And you'll be an even more amazing person than you already are because you'll know far more about living and how hard it can be than most people. :hugs:

    And if its any source of hope for anyone, I've actually feel quite a lot better over the last few days. I guess the citalopram must've kicked in or perhaps its the nice weather. I'm still not really revising though..
    That's really great you're feeling better on the citalopram, don't worry too much about the revision, it's unlikely to be top of your list if you're feeling good for the first time in a while. You should allow yourself to enjoy feeling good at least for a bit then try to do revision because you don't want to try too hard and then feel worse.

    And thanks for the encouraging words. It's just, reading over what I'd written when I was 13 and even younger, so many of the things bothering me then are still bothering me now. I've tried to change things but it hasn't worked at all. It's been so many years of trying with no progress at all. As for my mum, well...I dunno, I don't really have (m)any friends and people generally don't like me, it feels the whole time like she's just using me because no matter what I do it's never good enough. She doesn't even say thank you most the time when I do things for her.


    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Some people are just like that, try to ignore her, it sounds like she has her own issues that she's trying to place on you or something.

    My mother did eventually decide (we spent over 2 hours in there :sigh:) and went for a pair I'd picked, trying to get her to get out of the shop (it still took another half hour though!).

    And seriously, just try to ignore her, that's all you can do whilst she learns to deal with whatever issues she's got going on (probably a case of giving too much of a damn about what everyone thinks from the sounds of it).

    :hugs: Something is going to work for you, you just haven't found it yet. I remember feeling the same when I was 13 but just because life's dealt us a load of **** now doesn't mean it's going to be forever.

    ---

    You know, I was having a really good day until my brother woke up and started being horrible to me.

    Also, I haven't spoken to anyone I know IRL in ages, and I really don't want to. I also don't want to go to this camp out thing they're planning, but I know if I tell them I can't go, I'll get a tonne of abuse. Just not worth it frankly.

    Oh and I got a letter from the talking therapy people (have I already told you all this?) and they apologised for the long wait and told me that I have to wait even longer, but if I phone them and give them my email address, they can send me online stuff... 1) Yay, more of a wait. Joy. 2) I don't want to call them, I hate calling people and it would make more sense to have some sort of email system...
    Think you've hit the nail on the head there. She has a huge obsession with what other people think. (how did you do that? :p: ). It's never do what you want to or what you feel like doing, or even what you're good at, it's do what other people will think is good. She doesn't care about me or my brothers being happy if it's doing something that doesn't look good. If I joined the police like I want to that's not good enough because the pay isn't great and you don't need a million qualifications to do it. It's not as good as being a doctor or a lawyer apparently. I think the ultimate example is when someone extremely close to me died, I didn't cry at his funeral or throw "holy water" (:rolleyes: ) on his coffin and as soon as we got home she actually shouted at me for it. I was meant to cry to show everyone how much I missed him and meant to do the religious **** (he wasn't religious, I'm not religious) to show how good a christian I am.

    Argh, sorry, I probably sound like Francis from Malcolm in the Middle :o:


    How old is your brother? I feel like I might have asked this before. Sorry.


    Camp out? Like in tents? you could say er....."girl things". That's probably not great to deal with without proper toilets/showers etc. If you think they'll give you **** because they don't understand you not wanting to be around them right now, just make up an excuse. A lot of people don't understand depression so it can be easier to just make something else up.

    Have you tried the charities which offer free talking therapy? I don't know anything about them but have seen in h&r a few times about Mind and possibly Rethink doing free sessions. And yeah, I wish everyone had an email address, soooo much easier. Have you looked on their website? they might have an email address.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Think you've hit the nail on the head there. She has a huge obsession with what other people think. (how did you do that? :p: ). It's never do what you want to or what you feel like doing, or even what you're good at, it's do what other people will think is good. She doesn't care about me or my brothers being happy if it's doing something that doesn't look good. If I joined the police like I want to that's not good enough because the pay isn't great and you don't need a million qualifications to do it. It's not as good as being a doctor or a lawyer apparently. I think the ultimate example is when someone extremely close to me died, I didn't cry at his funeral or throw "holy water" (:rolleyes: ) on his coffin and as soon as we got home she actually shouted at me for it. I was meant to cry to show everyone how much I missed him and meant to do the religious **** (he wasn't religious, I'm not religious) to show how good a christian I am.

    Argh, sorry, I probably sound like Francis from Malcolm in the Middle :o:
    Haha, my mother used to be like that, sometimes still is. That and people watching, people always seem more concerned about what other people think than what makes them happy. Just ignore her, she is in her own messed-up world that she needs to get out of by herself. Life is nothing to do with how other people see you.

    And joining the police is a great thing! It gives so much back to the community! If that's what you want to do, then do it! No doubt she'd have to cave and be proud of the son that's a rising star in the police force Can you tell I'm oddly optimistic haha.


    How old is your brother? I feel like I might have asked this before. Sorry.
    16. I had to think about that one :teehee:

    Camp out? Like in tents? you could say er....."girl things". That's probably not great to deal with without proper toilets/showers etc. If you think they'll give you **** because they don't understand you not wanting to be around them right now, just make up an excuse. A lot of people don't understand depression so it can be easier to just make something else up.
    It's over a few weeks, I'd have to wait until they narrow it down. That and the people I'm thinking about would give me a hard time if I couldn't go because I was lying in hospital in a coma after being shot 3 times, run over by a monster truck and set fire to. I'll have to put up with it at some point (and no doubt whilst it's going on there will be *****ing, oh how I love people!

    Besides, there's another few social events they're organising that I've had to turn down and I haven't told them that I'm not going to the Leavers' Ball yet. :erm: There are a few people who understand, because they've had depression etc but they're the really nice people so... It's others really that I can't deal with. I just want to avoid everyone. :yep:

    ETA: 'girl things' can be dealt with very effectively with drugs. Or very messed up lifestyles. But drugs are a healthier choice haha (prescription of course).

    Have you tried the charities which offer free talking therapy? I don't know anything about them but have seen in h&r a few times about Mind and possibly Rethink doing free sessions. And yeah, I wish everyone had an email address, soooo much easier. Have you looked on their website? they might have an email address.
    No, my school said they were arranging group session for my group of friends (guess how messed up we are :awesome: and yet very few give a damn :emo:) but I don't know if that ever happened... I'll just go bug the sixth form mentor woman on Tuesday (I'm not going in tomorrow because I don't want to see people and I know there's an exam on). But for NHS help... IF I get into uni this year, I'll probably have one session or so before I have to leave! :erm:

    Wow, I wrote an essay, sorry haha. How're you?
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Haha, my mother used to be like that, sometimes still is. That and people watching, people always seem more concerned about what other people think than what makes them happy. Just ignore her, she is in her own messed-up world that she needs to get out of by herself. Life is nothing to do with how other people see you.

    And joining the police is a great thing! It gives so much back to the community! If that's what you want to do, then do it! No doubt she'd have to cave and be proud of the son that's a rising star in the police force Can you tell I'm oddly optimistic haha.
    Nice to know my mum isn't the only one. I don't see her ever getting out of it though. When I was about 8 my dad told me how much he hated her and wanted to leave but still waited 10 years. My brothers avoid her. She is constantly saying how much her mother prefers her brother to her. If that's the case why doesn't she try not to do the same to her kids. I don't get her.

    She wouldn't be happy with me even if I was president of the USA, because it'd be for the wrong party, or my suit was too small, or my shirt was creased and my hair looked scruffy, or she didn't like my policies. There would be something wrong. :rolleyes: So no chance with the police. You are incredibly optimistic though :p:

    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    16. I had to think about that one :teehee:
    Probably not much consolation atm but he'll almost certainly grow out of it as he gets older. My younger brother used to be a right annoying brat, he's pretty awesome now though. And I know I used to annoy my older ones too but we all get on now great.

    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    It's over a few weeks, I'd have to wait until they narrow it down. That and the people I'm thinking about would give me a hard time if I couldn't go because I was lying in hospital in a coma after being shot 3 times, run over by a monster truck and set fire to. I'll have to put up with it at some point (and no doubt whilst it's going on there will be *****ing, oh how I love people!

    Besides, there's another few social events they're organising that I've had to turn down and I haven't told them that I'm not going to the Leavers' Ball yet. :erm: There are a few people who understand, because they've had depression etc but they're the really nice people so... It's others really that I can't deal with. I just want to avoid everyone. :yep:

    ETA: 'girl things' can be dealt with very effectively with drugs. Or very messed up lifestyles. But drugs are a healthier choice haha (prescription of course).
    Aha, I see. Er...you could do the get so drunk you don't give a **** tactic, but if I remember rightly you're not a big fan of alcohol. But I guess if there's a lot of people there, if you're not enjoying the company of one group you could migrate to another possibly. So it might not be too bad. Then again, I've tried to break my arm to get out of social stuff before so yeah I know things can be awful.

    Why would telling them you're not going to the leavers' ball be bad?

    ETA? Er.....Marxist terrorist group?

    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    No, my school said they were arranging group session for my group of friends (guess how messed up we are :awesome: and yet very few give a damn :emo:) but I don't know if that ever happened... I'll just go bug the sixth form mentor woman on Tuesday (I'm not going in tomorrow because I don't want to see people and I know there's an exam on). But for NHS help... IF I get into uni this year, I'll probably have one session or so before I have to leave! :erm:

    Wow, I wrote an essay, sorry haha. How're you?
    Yeah go bug her, and maybe try to get your friends to do it too. But a group session? ....I don't mean to be offensive but what kind of school do you go to? :p: At my school I certainly didn't notice anyone who seemed to be in the same position as me in any of my classes, but maybe they just hid it better. Though I imagine it's probably nice in a way (nice isn't really the right word.....), at least you have people to talk to about stuff.

    I think the NHS can transfer you between different areas, so it might be worth getting on the list and then you might get it quicker once you're at uni.


    I'm alright actually, feel much better having spoken to you guys about my mum rather than just sitting here letting it get to me.
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    hello everyone. I haven't been around for more than a week now... I've handed in my last ever essay for my degree and I'm as free as ever, but I'm not completely happy. I went on a holiday with a couple of friends after I handed in my essay; at least I wasn't so depressed that I wasn't able to enjoy myself and forget everything that used to make me feel upset.

    However, since I've been back here in uni (I'm just sticking around till end of term), I can just feel like the things which make me feel bad before are all coming back again. Perhaps I've just been optimistically naive in saying to my GP recently that I've been very well and I can feel myself getting better.

    It feels like an emotional rollercoaster; I feel happy one moment and then would just crash, recede into myself, cry and have suicidal thoughts. I can't handle rejection very well... I can't handle any emotional stress at all, whether it is work, relationship with bf or friends, etc.

    I felt so suicidal yesterday that I actually wanted to kill myself by swallowing paracetamol tablets (yes, now I know that it is the MOST horrible and painful and SLOW way to die - there's a thread on TSR about this). I actually had them in my hand and was about to pop them into my mouth. I thought about my family and my bf and I knew it would be extremely selfish of me to cause them any needless pain. I threw the tablets away and cried and cried. I never felt so helpless and rejected. Rejected and worthless. :'( In my moment of madness, I felt that even my own bf was rejecting me; which he did, tbh... He cancelled our planned date to go out with his mates on the day itself. I had already felt depressed from being back in this house where I didn't get along as well as I wanted to with the people who live here and already felt rejected and stupid from having been excluded and ostracised. I was obviously even more devastated when I called my own bf and asked him exactly what time we're going to meet in town when he said that he's going to go into town with his mates instead... In his mind, he thinks it's alright to cancel a date on the day because he reckons that it's alright if he's going to meet me at mine a couple of hours later.

    I suppose a girlfriend who is in a right state of mind would have been miffed but at least would not react the way I did. It made me suicidal. I know this sounds crazy and doesn't even make sense... but I felt so so much pain and hurt that I was about to burst from it. I already felt that I didnt fit in with the social group I live with. I guess what my bf does matters a lot more to me because he's closest to me. I was crying so hard. I didn't even understand why I was crying so hard. It felt stupid. I felt pathetic. I felt like I was really stupid for reacting this way when there're people out there who have even more genuine reasons to be upset about.

    Anyway, bf and I have since made up... but I do worry that my depression has had an effect on him... and that it's making him not want to see me as much. Who would want to spend time with someone who's as emotionally unstable as me with suicidal tendencies?

    I'm getting increasingly frustrated with myself... and feeling really down too. That's why I'm even posting on this thread at 3:30am. I can't sleep.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Nice to know my mum isn't the only one. I don't see her ever getting out of it though. When I was about 8 my dad told me how much he hated her and wanted to leave but still waited 10 years. My brothers avoid her. She is constantly saying how much her mother prefers her brother to her. If that's the case why doesn't she try not to do the same to her kids. I don't get her.

    She wouldn't be happy with me even if I was president of the USA, because it'd be for the wrong party, or my suit was too small, or my shirt was creased and my hair looked scruffy, or she didn't like my policies. There would be something wrong. :rolleyes: So no chance with the police. You are incredibly optimistic though :p:
    Maybe she's so wrapped up in trying to please her own mother that she gives too much of a crap about what others think?

    And jeez, if she's that picky then just ignore what she thinks! Just do whatever makes you happy - it's your life not her's.


    Probably not much consolation atm but he'll almost certainly grow out of it as he gets older. My younger brother used to be a right annoying brat, he's pretty awesome now though. And I know I used to annoy my older ones too but we all get on now great.
    I hope it is. But why a chav phase? Emo, goth whatever I could understand and be okay with - he'd be quiet for one and his music wouldn't be so awful (everytime I enter the study I mistakenly think I've entered a really chavvy nightclub). He's okay sometimes, but most of the time he's not. I have to admit, I think yesterday was more of a one off - I was stressed and feeling quite low, my brother was stressed about the fact that he'd done no revision for his exam today so... Given that all of his arguments were about revision, I think I'm just going to let how moddy he was go. At least it's not drugs. Yet. :nothing:


    Aha, I see. Er...you could do the get so drunk you don't give a **** tactic, but if I remember rightly you're not a big fan of alcohol. But I guess if there's a lot of people there, if you're not enjoying the company of one group you could migrate to another possibly. So it might not be too bad. Then again, I've tried to break my arm to get out of social stuff before so yeah I know things can be awful.

    Why would telling them you're not going to the leavers' ball be bad?

    ETA? Er.....Marxist terrorist group?
    The alcohol is worth trying I guess haha, but I might go overboard. I may just go with the never telling them tactic or 'Oh, sorry I never got the Facebook message that updates 20 times a day' although some know my username on here :erm: I just can not face the thought of being around other people for even half an hour, let alone for 1-2 days!

    Because... I know what the reaction will be from some. They just don't seem to get that I'd rather have food poisoning (also an option) than go to it - depression or no depression, I hate those things anyway.

    Haha, no ETA = Edited To Add. I'm lazy and use far too many abbreviations.


    Yeah go bug her, and maybe try to get your friends to do it too. But a group session? ....I don't mean to be offensive but what kind of school do you go to? :p: At my school I certainly didn't notice anyone who seemed to be in the same position as me in any of my classes, but maybe they just hid it better. Though I imagine it's probably nice in a way (nice isn't really the right word.....), at least you have people to talk to about stuff.
    I think I have to talk to her about something else anyway, so I will haha. No, it's just this group of us (20-30 people) are the 'misfits of the misfits' and about 5 of us have mental health problems at the moment, and another 5 or so who've never admitted it and then a few that have been there, done that...

    Some of us have just gotten bad enough that we've had to ask for time of lessons etc/they'd noticed that so many of us asked to see the counsellor anyway/at the moment there's always someone crying in the group, so... The rest of the school's fine, it's just that there are a few (and may I point out that the ones they know about only make our group meet, not exceed, the national average) aren't doing so well.

    I think the NHS can transfer you between different areas, so it might be worth getting on the list and then you might get it quicker once you're at uni.
    Hmm okay. If I get into uni at this rate is another matter of course!

    I'm alright actually, feel much better having spoken to you guys about my mum rather than just sitting here letting it get to me.
    That's good :yep:
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    Feeling depressed but nothing to be depressed about - wtf. Every day I have complete heart sink moments and feel like everything is gonna fall apart and that something really bad is going to happen, though I have no idea what it is. Everything seems disappointing as well, I'm either feeling completely nullified or filled with dread (but nullified most of the time). The only times I don't feel completely sedated is when I'm not thinking at all (so when I'm exercising). It's really getting in the way of my ASs and though I know I can retake it's still really disappointing. I have no idea why I feel like this 'cause again I can't find a reason. Anyone feel the same/have any advice.
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    **** my brother's attitude yesterday being a one off - he was being so horrible to me earlier. Yes, I don't get along with him at the best of times, he's all about alcohol, drugs, sleeping around and not giving a damn about anyone else - everything I hate. But Jesus Christ... His arrogance! Someone should beat him up again frankly, mind you that's what spurred it all. FFS, why can't he just be nice to me? Why does he have to make wrist cutting actions at me and take the ******* piss all the time?!?

    trigger maybe, who ******* knows?

    I really hate him right now... My family don't care about the effect he has on me, whenever he acts like that, all I want to do is cut and just swallow as many ******* pills as I can until I don't have to ever think about anything again. I really want to do that right now, and I know where my parents 'hid' the sleeping pills. I don't give a **** any more - they wouldn't care. I'm just a ******* lodger in this house. But I'm too scared to do it, I'm a ******* failure.


    I'm just so fed up of this **** and I wanted to revise today but I've done sod all and now this - I can't work now. Nobody gives a ****, I think that's what hurts the most TBH.

    Oh ****. I've got the doctor's in an hour too. Like they can change anything, everything is **** and nothing's going to ******* change.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    I'm just so fed up of this **** and I wanted to revise today but I've done sod all and now this - I can't work now. Nobody gives a ****, I think that's what hurts the most TBH.

    Oh ****. I've got the doctor's in an hour too. Like they can change anything, everything is **** and nothing's going to ******* change.
    Well I care so I'm sure lots of others do too.
    Your brother sounds like a complete ****, don't hurt yourself when really he needs someone to hurt him. Be nice to yourself, thats what you deserve.

    I hope your doctors appointment goes ok and that they can change something.
 
 
 
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