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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    **** my brother's attitude yesterday being a one off - he was being so horrible to me earlier. Yes, I don't get along with him at the best of times, he's all about alcohol, drugs, sleeping around and not giving a damn about anyone else - everything I hate. But Jesus Christ... His arrogance! Someone should beat him up again frankly, mind you that's what spurred it all. FFS, why can't he just be nice to me? Why does he have to make wrist cutting actions at me and take the ******* piss all the time?!?

    trigger maybe, who ******* knows?

    I really hate him right now... My family don't care about the effect he has on me, whenever he acts like that, all I want to do is cut and just swallow as many ******* pills as I can until I don't have to ever think about anything again. I really want to do that right now, and I know where my parents 'hid' the sleeping pills. I don't give a **** any more - they wouldn't care. I'm just a ******* lodger in this house. But I'm too scared to do it, I'm a ******* failure.


    I'm just so fed up of this **** and I wanted to revise today but I've done sod all and now this - I can't work now. Nobody gives a ****, I think that's what hurts the most TBH.

    Oh ****. I've got the doctor's in an hour too. Like they can change anything, everything is **** and nothing's going to ******* change.
    Sorry to disrespect a family member of yours, but your brother sounds like such a prick. It's never nice when anyone is nasty to you, let alone someone in your family. Just remember it's not really your fault, and he should really learn to be more understanding. :console:

    To be honest, I'm finding it hard to revise as well. I've just lost all motivation and have been wasting way too much time procrastinating on useless websites. I haven't even been using that StayFocusd thing I'd downloaded to prevent this :facepalm2:. I wanted to go to the library today as well but then I got tired :sigh:. Damn, I am really bad at the moment. Let's hope things get better for us, eh? :o: Hope all goes/went well at the doctors, I'm sure they can help you get better.
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    (Original post by Saffie)
    Well I care so I'm sure lots of others do too.
    Your brother sounds like a complete ****, don't hurt yourself when really he needs someone to hurt him. Be nice to yourself, thats what you deserve.

    I hope your doctors appointment goes ok and that they can change something.
    (Original post by CherryCherryBoomBoom)
    Sorry to disrespect a family member of yours, but your brother sounds like such a prick. It's never nice when anyone is nasty to you, let alone someone in your family. Just remember it's not really your fault, and he should really learn to be more understanding. :console:

    To be honest, I'm finding it hard to revise as well. I've just lost all motivation and have been wasting way too much time procrastinating on useless websites. I haven't even been using that StayFocusd thing I'd downloaded to prevent this :facepalm2:. I wanted to go to the library today as well but then I got tired :sigh:. Damn, I am really bad at the moment. Let's hope things get better for us, eh? :o: Hope all goes/went well at the doctors, I'm sure they can help you get better.
    Thanks haha.

    And yeah, my brother's an idiot, my mother's just told me she's 'given up on him' so... She's very tempted to ditch the PC too.

    Urgh, revision, I think I give up TBH.

    ---

    Okay, just got back from my GP appointment - bad things: I think my mother managed to read the line about cutting in a letter from the CPN that the doctor put up on the screen, she's acting a bit oddly now...

    Good things: he thinks I'm depressed so finally a label on it, he's referring me to a psychiatrist, so maybe some progress will be made. Maybe.

    I need some lunch and then I'm going to attempt revision again :erm: I just have to keep trying, even if I get nothing done, at least I sat there with the notes? :dontknow:
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Maybe she's so wrapped up in trying to please her own mother that she gives too much of a crap about what others think?

    And jeez, if she's that picky then just ignore what she thinks! Just do whatever makes you happy - it's your life not her's.



    I hope it is. But why a chav phase? Emo, goth whatever I could understand and be okay with - he'd be quiet for one and his music wouldn't be so awful (everytime I enter the study I mistakenly think I've entered a really chavvy nightclub). He's okay sometimes, but most of the time he's not. I have to admit, I think yesterday was more of a one off - I was stressed and feeling quite low, my brother was stressed about the fact that he'd done no revision for his exam today so... Given that all of his arguments were about revision, I think I'm just going to let how moddy he was go. At least it's not drugs. Yet. :nothing:



    The alcohol is worth trying I guess haha, but I might go overboard. I may just go with the never telling them tactic or 'Oh, sorry I never got the Facebook message that updates 20 times a day' although some know my username on here :erm: I just can not face the thought of being around other people for even half an hour, let alone for 1-2 days!

    Because... I know what the reaction will be from some. They just don't seem to get that I'd rather have food poisoning (also an option) than go to it - depression or no depression, I hate those things anyway.

    Haha, no ETA = Edited To Add. I'm lazy and use far too many abbreviations.



    I think I have to talk to her about something else anyway, so I will haha. No, it's just this group of us (20-30 people) are the 'misfits of the misfits' and about 5 of us have mental health problems at the moment, and another 5 or so who've never admitted it and then a few that have been there, done that...

    Some of us have just gotten bad enough that we've had to ask for time of lessons etc/they'd noticed that so many of us asked to see the counsellor anyway/at the moment there's always someone crying in the group, so... The rest of the school's fine, it's just that there are a few (and may I point out that the ones they know about only make our group meet, not exceed, the national average) aren't doing so well.


    Hmm okay. If I get into uni at this rate is another matter of course!


    That's good :yep:
    Alcohol is pretty easy to go overboard on, and it's not exactly the best tactic but I think it can be pretty useful sometimes. The don't tell them tactic is pretty good too, set your facebook to offline mode or just don't go on it, and then "forget" to turn up. That works pretty well :p:

    When is this thing anyway? If you can't face 30minutes around people atm you could try slowly building it up so you might be better able to handle being around them for ages, but dunno if it's worth it if you really don't want to go. People often say the only way you'll get better at it or whatever is to force yourself to do these things, personally, I think that's a load of crap if you really know deep down that you won't enjoy it and it's often not worth forcing yourself to to please others because in all probability you won't enjoy it (then again you might, but I would say you know yourself better than anyone else knows you).


    Just saw your other post, your brother really does sound like an insensitive *******, I'm not trying to defend his actions in any way as they were clearly out of line, but he's 16, 16 year old guys can be total dicks and often without realizing how much they hurt people. Please don't hurt yourself over his insensitive actions, I can guarantee he doesn't want you to kill yourself and I'm sure he doesn't want to make you feel like you should.

    And people do give a ****, I give a **** because I think you seem like a pretty sound person, other people here give a ****, your friends give a **** and you know I would say your brother gives a **** deep down even if he doesn't show it. You're not a failure either, you're doing your A levels, which kind of implies you have at least acceptable GCSEs, you also have an offer for a great university and you're trying so hard in life. All your revision and conquering that eating disorder (or at least coming out of it alive) clearly shows you are not a failure.

    I hope the dr's appointment went ok. :hugs:


    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Thanks haha.

    And yeah, my brother's an idiot, my mother's just told me she's 'given up on him' so... She's very tempted to ditch the PC too.

    Urgh, revision, I think I give up TBH.

    ---

    Okay, just got back from my GP appointment - bad things: I think my mother managed to read the line about cutting in a letter from the CPN that the doctor put up on the screen, she's acting a bit oddly now...

    Good things: he thinks I'm depressed so finally a label on it, he's referring me to a psychiatrist, so maybe some progress will be made. Maybe.

    I need some lunch and then I'm going to attempt revision again :erm: I just have to keep trying, even if I get nothing done, at least I sat there with the notes? :dontknow:
    referral to a psychiatrist is a pretty good result, hopefully they'll be able to help you.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Alcohol is pretty easy to go overboard on, and it's not exactly the best tactic but I think it can be pretty useful sometimes. The don't tell them tactic is pretty good too, set your facebook to offline mode or just don't go on it, and then "forget" to turn up. That works pretty well :p:

    When is this thing anyway? If you can't face 30minutes around people atm you could try slowly building it up so you might be better able to handle being around them for ages, but dunno if it's worth it if you really don't want to go. People often say the only way you'll get better at it or whatever is to force yourself to do these things, personally, I think that's a load of crap if you really know deep down that you won't enjoy it and it's often not worth forcing yourself to to please others because in all probability you won't enjoy it (then again you might, but I would say you know yourself better than anyone else knows you).
    Yeah, stuff it. They'll work it out when I never turn up or reply. And maybe they'll stop trying to invite me to things.

    And the whole going out because that's 'the only way to get better' (I always think that's said by people who've never had a problem in their life TBH) always ends in me freaking out - my doctor thinks I'm agoraphobic which I don't disagree with TBH. (That word just triggered off a load of anicient history stuff as I wrote it :sad:)

    Just saw your other post, your brother really does sound like an insensitive *******, I'm not trying to defend his actions in any way as they were clearly out of line, but he's 16, 16 year old guys can be total dicks and often without realizing how much they hurt people. Please don't hurt yourself over his insensitive actions, I can guarantee he doesn't want you to kill yourself and I'm sure he doesn't want to make you feel like you should.
    I know... I just want to get out of the house ASAP/go back to the days when I was the tallest child :p:

    And people do give a ****, I give a **** because I think you seem like a pretty sound person, other people here give a ****, your friends give a **** and you know I would say your brother gives a **** deep down even if he doesn't show it. You're not a failure either, you're doing your A levels, which kind of implies you have at least acceptable GCSEs, you also have an offer for a great university and you're trying so hard in life. All your revision and conquering that eating disorder (or at least coming out of it alive) clearly shows you are not a failure.

    I hope the dr's appointment went ok. :hugs:

    referral to a psychiatrist is a pretty good result, hopefully they'll be able to help you.
    Thanks, I think I was just having a bit of a low/freak out. I'm feeling more positive now. I didn't do anything because I'm a wuss (thankfully) and my mother came home.

    I hope so... My dr made me do another one of those questionaires (PHQ9 or something) and I think that's what swayed him.

    I just so wanted to do well in A levels - I was one of those ueber geek kids in primary school whose whole life revolved aorund one day doing really well in A levels and going on to a good uni, I kind of crapped all over that though :erm: I think the highest score I'm going to get this year is in that questionaire :teehee: Sorry, I just find that a bit funny...

    ---

    Okay, I need to revise, once I've finished these spider diagrams I can play computer games until my eyes fall out.
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    Feeling rubbish and miserable yet again. I'm bored out my mind but can't think of a single thing I want to do, it's ******* freezing, and I just generally feel like ****. Got a cpn coming round tomorrow, which is theoretically a good thing, only these people always seem to make me feel worse rather than better. All they do is upset me and contradict each other.
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    I just want to cry until I don't feel anything. I want this to be over, not necessarily life, but exams and social pressures. I already know I'm a failure, a shadow of who I could have been if I'd worked that bit more, I don't need exams reminding me of that.
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    I have no idea what's going on, I keep seeing **** everywhere, mostly blood or spiders everywhere but dead mutilated animals outside as well, it makes me feel sick. The commands to cut myself up have been so loud and strong recently too, yesterday and today I got out of bed about 10am and just thought **** I can't do this I felt so awful so went back to bed. Woke up at 1, feel tiny bit better still pretty ****. I'm scared of telling my psychiatrist what's going on, I am not taking those ******* pills again, then again I really really don't want to cut anymore my arm is such a ******* mess now, my head is complete mess too - I keep getting these things they're not thoughts they're so much bigger and more intense than thoughts I have no idea wtf they are. revision is not going to happen and I'm getting dangerously close to exams. I'm going to fail but I can't bring myself to care, I know I'll feel even worse when I do fail but right now everything is just really ****.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    I have no idea what's going on, I keep seeing **** everywhere, mostly blood or spiders everywhere but dead mutilated animals outside as well, it makes me feel sick. The commands to cut myself up have been so loud and strong recently too, yesterday and today I got out of bed about 10am and just thought **** I can't do this I felt so awful so went back to bed. Woke up at 1, feel tiny bit better still pretty ****. I'm scared of telling my psychiatrist what's going on, I am not taking those ******* pills again, then again I really really don't want to cut anymore my arm is such a ******* mess now, my head is complete mess too - I keep getting these things they're not thoughts they're so much bigger and more intense than thoughts I have no idea wtf they are. revision is not going to happen and I'm getting dangerously close to exams. I'm going to fail but I can't bring myself to care, I know I'll feel even worse when I do fail but right now everything is just really ****.
    :hugs: You have to be honest with them if you want to get better, but surely there's a different one that you can go on this time? :console:
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    :hugs: You have to be honest with them if you want to get better, but surely there's a different one that you can go on this time? :console:
    Not really, I've tried LOADS. Last time I saw psychiatrist they said that given how many I've taken it's clear that drugs don't work on me.


    You feeling any better than last night?
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Not really, I've tried LOADS. Last time I saw psychiatrist they said that given how many I've taken it's clear that drugs don't work on me.


    You feeling any better than last night?
    :hugs: So are they going to try talking therapy then? There will be something that works, it might be odd and obscure it it might have be staring you in the face all along, just give everything they offer a try and it might work :console:

    I guess. I'm just bloody tired and watching my grades get worse and worse :sad: How're you feeling?
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    :hugs: So are they going to try talking therapy then? There will be something that works, it might be odd and obscure it it might have be staring you in the face all along, just give everything they offer a try and it might work :console:

    I guess. I'm just bloody tired and watching my grades get worse and worse :sad: How're you feeling?
    I dunno what they're going to do. They had me fill out a questionnaire and they're looking at it and will get back to me. i've done the talking before, didn't really help either. I've just had enough tbh.

    What do you mean watching them get worse?
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    I dunno what they're going to do. They had me fill out a questionnaire and they're looking at it and will get back to me. i've done the talking before, didn't really help either. I've just had enough tbh.

    What do you mean watching them get worse?
    There are loads of different talking therapies though, and obviously the person who does it will change how effective it is too. There are loads of variables, so don't give up :hugs:

    Well a week or so ago, I could have scraped an A in this, then a few days ago a B. Now I'll be lucky to get a C TBH.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    There are loads of different talking therapies though, and obviously the person who does it will change how effective it is too. There are loads of variables, so don't give up :hugs:

    Well a week or so ago, I could have scraped an A in this, then a few days ago a B. Now I'll be lucky to get a C TBH.
    Well, possibly. I'll see what they say about my question answers.

    You said you were tired, maybe it's just that? Or you've overworked yourself possibly? Have you tried taking a break and relaxing then getting back to it later?
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Well, possibly. I'll see what they say about my question answers.

    You said you were tired, maybe it's just that? Or you've overworked yourself possibly? Have you tried taking a break and relaxing then getting back to it later?
    :console:

    Well the tiredness won't go away. My Mum spoke to my doctor about it yesterday and he said he could run blood tests but I'm most likely not anaemic or anything and it's all part and parcel of the depression, so I guess it's unlikely to go away? Haha, I have most certainly not overworked myself! But I guess at least I'm okay with half the course :erm: Bet the other half is what it's on though! :erm:
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    :console:

    Well the tiredness won't go away. My Mum spoke to my doctor about it yesterday and he said he could run blood tests but I'm most likely not anaemic or anything and it's all part and parcel of the depression, so I guess it's unlikely to go away? Haha, I have most certainly not overworked myself! But I guess at least I'm okay with half the course :erm: Bet the other half is what it's on though! :erm:
    Have you had any blood tests done? Depression symptoms can sometimes be caused by other things so if you haven't had any blood tests done in ages it might be an idea just to make sure. Know what you mean about the tiredness though, I've taken to drinking huge amounts of coffee and it makes no difference.

    Don't you get to pick which questions to do?
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Have you had any blood tests done? Depression symptoms can sometimes be caused by other things so if you haven't had any blood tests done in ages it might be an idea just to make sure. Know what you mean about the tiredness though, I've taken to drinking huge amounts of coffee and it makes no difference.

    Don't you get to pick which questions to do?
    I've never had any blood tests done as far as I remember. Apart from being tiredness, I havde nothing else that suggests I should have them. I know, how come coffee no longer works?!? Even tea used to be okay, but now I can drink the strongest coffee and feel the same...

    No, not for this exam. We're given 4-5 sources on a certain topic (e.g. in January it was the Nazis and the Churches which was a little obscure) and then we have to evaluate them. No choice of questions at all :sad: I do for my next History exam thankfully!
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    I've never had any blood tests done as far as I remember. Apart from being tiredness, I havde nothing else that suggests I should have them. I know, how come coffee no longer works?!? Even tea used to be okay, but now I can drink the strongest coffee and feel the same...

    No, not for this exam. We're given 4-5 sources on a certain topic (e.g. in January it was the Nazis and the Churches which was a little obscure) and then we have to evaluate them. No choice of questions at all :sad: I do for my next History exam thankfully!
    Problems with your thyroid can cause tiredness, depression and sleep problems, I thought doctors were meant to rule out physical things which can cause depression before diagnosing you so I'm pretty surprised they haven't tested you for that.

    I have no idea why coffee doesn't work. I prefer tea but I haven't got any milk. I can drink bottles of the most caffeinated soda in the world and still feel nothing.

    Oh ok...that sucks. You're doing AS and A2 in history aren't you? So, I know this isn't ideal, but even if you do mess up one module you can use the others to bring your grade up. I'm not saying you will though.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Problems with your thyroid can cause tiredness, depression and sleep problems, I thought doctors were meant to rule out physical things which can cause depression before diagnosing you so I'm pretty surprised they haven't tested you for that.

    I have no idea why coffee doesn't work. I prefer tea but I haven't got any milk. I can drink bottles of the most caffeinated soda in the world and still feel nothing.

    Oh ok...that sucks. You're doing AS and A2 in history aren't you? So, I know this isn't ideal, but even if you do mess up one module you can use the others to bring your grade up. I'm not saying you will though.
    I don't think it's normal near me for them to test for that, and TBH I'm pretty healthy apart from feeling tired depression and a nice little cold I have coming along. Also, I only started feeling this tired a few weeks ago, whereas I've been feeling low for months and months, and my sleep was fine until about March, so it's probably just related to how I'm feeling.

    Caffeine and I used to be such good friends :sad:

    Yeah... I've just found out I have 8 days until my A2 History exam too, which is more heavily weighted than this AS one, so I'm going to start mega cramming. This is totally unlike me to start so damn late :cry2: If I do well in the A2 one... It'll hopefully help :erm:
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Not really, I've tried LOADS. Last time I saw psychiatrist they said that given how many I've taken it's clear that drugs don't work on me.


    You feeling any better than last night?
    I think that was a pretty stupid thing for them to say. They dont actually know the neurochemistry in your head or the exact way in which different medications effect it so that comment was purely speculative and frankly unhelpful.

    I've seen the list of the drugs that you've tried before, you have tried a lot but I still think you haven't literally tried everything yet.
    Your depression isn't just the basic textbook type- you're describing obsessions, compulsions and hallucinations so I guess the option is to go down the anti-psychotic treatment road- which I think you have a little already. There are some that are less likely to cause weight gain as well.

    I hope you can get through today and that tomorrow is much better. And please tell your psychiatrist whats going on because you deserve help asap. I know you're worried about your exams but how you feel is far more important and should be your number one priority. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. :hugs:
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    (Original post by Saffie)
    I think that was a pretty stupid thing for them to say. They dont actually know the neurochemistry in your head or the exact way in which different medications effect it so that comment was purely speculative and frankly unhelpful.

    I've seen the list of the drugs that you've tried before, you have tried a lot but I still think you haven't literally tried everything yet.
    Your depression isn't just the basic textbook type- you're describing obsessions, compulsions and hallucinations so I guess the option is to go down the anti-psychotic treatment road- which I think you have a little already. There are some that are less likely to cause weight gain as well.

    I hope you can get through today and that tomorrow is much better. And please tell your psychiatrist whats going on because you deserve help asap. I know you're worried about your exams but how you feel is far more important and should be your number one priority. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. :hugs:
    I dunno, I thought they had a point, the shrink was reading off the list and it was pretty long. I've tried most the different classes of antidepressants so I think if one was going to work it would have done so by now. Antipsychotic-wise I've tried both typical and atypical. This is the first time in over 2 years that I've been off antipsychotics for nearly 2 weeks. Did make me feel like complete **** though, it's basically them saying I'm stuck like this forever. The whole thing seems suspicious to me tbh, like none of them work? really? One antidepressant made me feel ok for a while then just suddenly stopped. Would ask for another psychiatrist but I've seen about 5 or 6 of them so far.

    The problem with exams is I'm 22, I've been at university since I was 18 and still haven't got a degree or anywhere near. This has been wrecking my life for so many years and if I fail these exams, well, 4 years and no degree is pretty pathetic, not to mention expensive. I want to be normal, enjoy uni, make friends, then get on with my life.


    You alright? Is the citalopram still making you feel better?
 
 
 
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