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    (Original post by Malsy)
    I feel like I'm losing my mind:nothing:
    Hi Malsy, I'm here if you want to talk about anything. :hugs:
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    I feel like I will be stuck in this nightmare of a life forever.I just want to forget about the past but I cant.
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    I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel like being alive is a waste of everyones time. why is it that people who want to die cant, and people who don't want to die do?
    things are considerably bad with mum stuff. it hurts to even type that word, let alone try to say it.
    yesterday i saw my counsellor. we avoid talking about "her", and my counsellor, karen, refers to the situation as "the thing you don't like to think about". last week she asked me how i feel about not talking about it, and i said "like coming here is a waste of both of our time. i came here to talk about it, but i find it too hard to." yesterday she said to me "last week you said you felt like not talking about what you came here to talk about is a waste of our time... do you want to talk about it?" so i talked about it. i talked about her. i ranted for ages about the doctors and the treatment she got and i told her, which is the first time i've told anyone, that we had an argument the night before she died. i think i've written about it here, but only vaguely. i ended up getting very distressed and tearful. i was on the brink of tears, but i couldn't cry. it felt like if i started crying i would never stop, like the time i had just come out of the crisis flat and cried hysterically for three days.
    the session ended before i knew it and i left feeling terrible.
    i met up with a friend, who told me im a drama queen and never used to be one (have known her for years now). she doesn't have any idea what is going on. i admit i can be a bit over-dramatic sometimes, but this time i was not trying to create drama for myself.
    last night we went to see "time travellers wife" which has a story line of grief and loss. i was feeling delicate as it was, but the film made things seem a lot harder.
    so i went home and got wasted.
    what makes it worse is i have no job, no money and therefore cant smoke, which is stressing me out even more.
    tonight i cut, which i haven't done for 18 months.
    tonight i can't sleep. it's 4.30am and i'm still awake.
    tonight i want the world to end.
    it feels pointless carrying on this facade.

    suicide requires movement; depression weighs a thousand tonnes.

    i go to uni in 2 weeks and i'm wondering now whether it is worth the hassle, whether it would be worth going because i have a feeling i'm not going to be able to cope with living 2 hours away from home, doing a course that i'm not sure if i want to do (nursing) and having so many changes. i don't think i'm ready for it.
    but i want to leave these memories of her in this house behind.
    i want to slip back into cutting, depression, purging and alcohol. at least then i had something to help me cope.
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    things are considerably bad with mum stuff. it hurts to even type that word, let alone try to say it.
    yesterday i saw my counsellor. we avoid talking about "her", and my counsellor, karen, refers to the situation as "the thing you don't like to think about". last week she asked me how i feel about not talking about it, and i said "like coming here is a waste of both of our time. i came here to talk about it, but i find it too hard to." yesterday she said to me "last week you said you felt like not talking about what you came here to talk about is a waste of our time... do you want to talk about it?" so i talked about it. i talked about her. i ranted for ages about the doctors and the treatment she got and i told her, which is the first time i've told anyone, that we had an argument the night before she died. i think i've written about it here, but only vaguely. i ended up getting very distressed and tearful. i was on the brink of tears, but i couldn't cry. it felt like if i started crying i would never stop, like the time i had just come out of the crisis flat and cried hysterically for three days.
    the session ended before i knew it and i left feeling terrible.
    i met up with a friend, who told me im a drama queen and never used to be one (have known her for years now). she doesn't have any idea what is going on. i admit i can be a bit over-dramatic sometimes, but this time i was not trying to create drama for myself.
    last night we went to see "time travellers wife" which has a story line of grief and loss. i was feeling delicate as it was, but the film made things seem a lot harder.
    so i went home and got wasted.
    what makes it worse is i have no job, no money and therefore cant smoke, which is stressing me out even more.
    tonight i cut, which i haven't done for 18 months.
    tonight i can't sleep. it's 4.30am and i'm still awake.
    tonight i want the world to end.
    it feels pointless carrying on this facade.
    I'm really sorry to hear your friend calling you that. From my point of view you have every reason to be acting and feeling the way you do and I'm surprised she can't see that if she's a friend. Regardless of the way you act, as long as you're not hurting anyone, I don't think she should make you feel bad.

    suicide requires movement; depression weighs a thousand tonnes.
    Never heard truer words!
    i go to uni in 2 weeks and i'm wondering now whether it is worth the hassle, whether it would be worth going because i have a feeling i'm not going to be able to cope with living 2 hours away from home, doing a course that i'm not sure if i want to do (nursing) and having so many changes. i don't think i'm ready for it.
    but i want to leave these memories of her in this house behind.
    i want to slip back into cutting, depression, purging and alcohol. at least then i had something to help me cope.
    so sorry to hear you talk like that You have to do what's right for you though. If you feel now is the time to make a change in your life then pursue the nursing but only do it with the right attitude. if you still need time to heal I'd advise not jumping in to things. I know I'll be depressed for years before I'm ready to be ''normal/happy'' and I'm content with this. But if the day doesn't come then I guess it's a pretty wasted life. -sigh-
    But remember uni is a time for socialising and making the right steps towards your future. it will be hard and if you're not ready then you should consider a gap year to have a bit more time, as I'm sure the socialising aspect won't make things better for you whether it's drinking into an oblivion or watching others being ''happy''.

    if there's something tiny inside you, though, that knows there's a chance of making a go of things then go for it.

    I'm not even sure you wanted this response nor do I think it has helped in any way whatsoever but I'm awake at this time too, so thought why not, apologies if you mind!

    and -hugs-
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    Urgh feel :nn:
    and i have an inevitable **** stalking problem.
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    my mum took all my tools a while ago. i feel like such an addict i spent ages searching the house for where she's hidden them. I have to cut. I can't do this anymore. :cry:
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    Why is everything so ******* difficult :cry:
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    (Original post by jonathan122)
    Why is everything so ******* difficult :cry:
    :hugs: What's up?
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    my mum took all my tools a while ago. i feel like such an addict i spent ages searching the house for where she's hidden them. I have to cut. I can't do this anymore. :cry:

    Please please don't cut:hugs:
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    (Original post by BruceTaylor)
    :hugs: What's up?
    I just don't want to have to live like this for the next 50 years.

    How are you today Bruce? :hugs:
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    I don't want to feel like this anymore :cry:
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    I don't want to feel like this anymore :cry:
    You and me both.

    Anything in particular troubling you? :hugs:
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    I don't want to feel like this anymore :cry:
    Hello :hello:

    No-one would choose to feel like this honey. :console:

    You've started getting the ball rolling in making, getting to and going through with your 1st dr's appointment about it and a 2nd dr's appointment lined up. So you've already taken the 1st steps to standing up to and battling this.:yy:

    You are very brave to have taken those 1st few steps. :hugs: It can be so hard opening up about stuff, especially depression and anxiety-disorders or related problems.

    With depression it is important to try to keep up a Positive notebook of steps forward and progress that you have made, however big or small, as often with depression it is even the little things that are so hard to do and keep up. Also write down +ve things that have you have done or occurred/were there for each day. An extension of this for example, is that if something that happened in the day didn't have a negative impact on me and was OK/0 special that you usually don't pick up on or take notice of in day-to-day life, then I add that to the list too because it's less things that have gone wrong and are hard.

    Don't beat yourself up though, if you don't remember to do this each day though, as that wont help things. :hugs: But after a few months you will have a folder full of these things, which before you ever kept this record, would have been discarded and that time period to just be dismissed under the general low-lying dark cloud of depression. So it makes you aware that things are happening and things are not always indiscriminably the same at a stationary trough of depression.

    Hope that makes sense and helps a bit.:hugs:
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    (Original post by jonathan122)
    I just don't want to have to live like this for the next 50 years.

    How are you today Bruce? :hugs:
    You wont, I promise. I know that I cannot guarantee that so how can i promise you that? But I truly believe and feel that you can get through this, to live life more to the full.:yes:
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    (Original post by Elements)
    You wont, I promise. I know that I cannot guarantee that so how can i promise you that? But I truly believe and feel that you can get through this, to live life more to the full.:yes:
    :hugs: You're wonderful.

    How are you, Elements?
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    evening all... how are you all doing...?
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    (Original post by blackfish)
    evening all... how are you all doing...?
    Hi blackfish, how're things? :hugs:
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    (Original post by jonathan122)
    Hi blackfish, how're things? :hugs:
    Meh, surviving... not been brilliant... But i'm proud of myself that I haven't reached the nervous breakdown stage yet... but it's getting close...

    I've got so lonely now that I just hate myself so much... On a the plus side, work touch wood is going extremely well... but is it worth it if you don't have any kind of social life...?

    My ex has been hassling me as well, we are really good friends but she wants me to go and see her as she's not having a great time either... I want to go, but i have reservations as usual...

    God people can **** you up so much it's unbelieveable...

    Anyway, how are things for you Jonathan?? :hugs:
 
 
 
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