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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    ergh, burst into tears in the city centre today then ended up hiding in a toilet until I could stop crying and get back to my room. ******* great. :rolleyes:
    :jumphug:

    I just walked to and from the doctor's, 8 miles there and back, cos I didn't want to a) go into a shop to get change and b) actually get on a bus and have to be around that many people. My legs hurt.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    :jumphug:

    I just walked to and from the doctor's, 8 miles there and back, cos I didn't want to a) go into a shop to get change and b) actually get on a bus and have to be around that many people. My legs hurt.
    Wow, 8 miles? Last time I walked that distance in a day was on my Silver Duke of Edinburgh expedition. Man, that was tough, but then I also had to carry a massive backpack that was the same weight as me (or half maybe, can't really remember). It's pretty good exercise though, nothing bad about it :thumbsup:
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    [vent]

    The whole reason I'm upset all the time is, I think, because I feel so alone and without a sense of belonging, and it's my fault. It's my fault that I haven't got lots of friends and that I have so much time on my own. It's my fault I haven't spent those times cultivating those relationships and can't seem to really make any new ones. And, it makes me a fraud. I feel like my being depressed isn't really valid, because it's caused by circumstantial reasons that I am to blame for, and that aren't, I dunno, legitimate. Some people are depressed because of things of which they had no control in going wrong, or because they're body isn't functioning as it should. I'm depressed because I'm lonely. Fraud. I can't even be depressed right. I just want to better, I want to be happy, I want someone to fix me and enable me to get the things I need to just feel proud of myself, rather then embarassed about the life I lead. I feel like I have no identity, nowhere I belong, I'm just a piece of driftwood with no place or cause. I should be embarassed, this whole situation and life is embarassing, and it's all my fault, and I can't change. What in God's name is the point. It's a perpetual cycle.

    [/vent]

    Edit: I've been ranting in this thread so much and I don't feel I've contributed much to others. I'm sorry for this, I really do hope people are feeling better and getting better or just making some progress. If not, well, I read quite a few of the posts and I really do care about your situations. If I could get out the smilie box thing and put in the hug smilie here without it crashing my computer, I would :') It's the thought that counts? :')
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    (Original post by Frosties1)
    [vent]

    The whole reason I'm upset all the time is, I think, because I feel so alone and without a sense of belonging, and it's my fault. It's my fault that I haven't got lots of friends and that I have so much time on my own. It's my fault I haven't spent those times cultivating those relationships and can't seem to really make any new ones. And, it makes me a fraud. I feel like my being depressed isn't really valid, because it's caused by circumstantial reasons that I am to blame for, and that aren't, I dunno, legitimate. Some people are depressed because of things of which they had no control in going wrong, or because they're body isn't functioning as it should. I'm depressed because I'm lonely. Fraud. I can't even be depressed right. I just want to better, I want to be happy, I want someone to fix me and enable me to get the things I need to just feel proud of myself, rather then embarassed about the life I lead. I feel like I have no identity, nowhere I belong, I'm just a piece of driftwood with no place or cause. I should be embarassed, this whole situation and life is embarassing, and it's all my fault, and I can't change. What in God's name is the point.

    [/vent]
    :hugs: :console: :grouphugs: :jumphug:

    There is a point, you can't help being depressed so don't blame yourself :hugs: Are you getting any help at the moment?
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    :hugs: :console: :grouphugs: :jumphug:

    There is a point, you can't help being depressed so don't blame yourself :hugs: Are you getting any help at the moment?
    I'm on a waiting list for counselling but it's gonna be ages until I can get it I don't know what other help there possibly is, or if that is even the help I need, or if my situation even warrants "help". Is counselling really the done thing or appropriate for loneliness. In a way, I'm just hoping there's a default in my character, something wrong with me, so whoever I speak to can pick it out and help me fix it, and then everything in my life will be ok.

    Sorry, I'm being really heavy here with what I'm saying :o: Thank you for the response
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    (Original post by Frosties1)
    I'm on a waiting list for counselling but it's gonna be ages until I can get it I don't know what other help there possibly is, or if that is even the help I need, or if my situation even warrants "help". Is counselling really the done thing or appropriate for loneliness. In a way, I'm just hoping there's a default in my character, something wrong with me, so whoever I speak to can pick it out and help me fix it, and then everything in my life will be ok.

    Sorry, I'm being really heavy here with what I'm saying :o: Thank you for the response
    It may just be your depression telling you that? And counselling is great, I used to go just to talk about my day after I'd sorted my ED out (I had to keep going afterwards haha). Just wait and see. I know the wait is horrible, but it will help when you get it :hugs:
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    It's not really your fault. It's all of our fault. Society doesn't reach out and embrace introverts, and we, the depressed, are more responsible than others in that we are unable to spot depression in others and reach out to try and ease the burden. I know there are people like me but I'm unable to reach out to them. I also put on this facade of being normal and nobody has any idea whatsoever what's raging within me. I don't want to be 'treated' for what I consider to be something that is in my DNA almost. Some people, usually very intelligent ones, are simply unable to reconcile themselves with the illness that is life. The idea that someone can break into my psyche and alleviate the tension within is both perverse and unreal.
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    Just found out that the psychiatrist I'll be seeing is male. Not too happy about that really, I just find it easier to talk to women. No idea why, I just do. That and the CPN was male and he was creepy. Oh dear haha. I'm in full OCD mode right now, not great. I also had eating disordered thoughts this afternoon. So much for exams being over helping! :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by Frosties1)
    I'm on a waiting list for counselling but it's gonna be ages until I can get it I don't know what other help there possibly is, or if that is even the help I need, or if my situation even warrants "help". Is counselling really the done thing or appropriate for loneliness. In a way, I'm just hoping there's a default in my character, something wrong with me, so whoever I speak to can pick it out and help me fix it, and then everything in my life will be ok.

    Sorry, I'm being really heavy here with what I'm saying :o: Thank you for the response
    Ah loneliness. I think people in general really do not understand it. They're like "learn to do things by yourself" or "go make some friends" or other things, they never seem to realize how incredibly painful loneliness can be. I've been so lonely all year, if I stay in my room I can see out the window people having fun with friends, especially in summer, or hear them, but if I go outside then I see them all together and it just reinforces how alone I am. So can't win either way (and for the record I REALLY tried to make friends this year, last year, the year before, I just failed completely). Humans are sociable animals, and not talking to anyone in person for weeks is so isolating and just makes me, possibly you, feel like a freak. I dunno, I'm sure I had a point, possibly I don't because I've forgotten it. I always think it's something wrong with me, some major flaw in my character, or how I look, but when I tell that to psychologists or counsellors they just say no you look fine, you seem nice, you have a nice smile and refuse to believe me. Tbh I think they'd do the same to you. Even if they found a fault, they wouldn't tell you, because their job isn't to do that.

    Counselling probably won't help with loneliness I don't think. It's not a case of accepting that you're on your own because I think that's impossible. Ok some people can do it, but most people couldn't live 100% alone all the time. But then I don't know what to suggest beyond the usual suggestions you'll have heard a million times before. Most the reason I post on tsr is just that I can actually interact with real people, even if it's just arguing about guns or Israel or whatever, it's still interaction.
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    I suddenly feel really low. This is not what I need now!
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    (Original post by Loz17)
    I suddenly feel really low. This is not what I need now!
    :hugs: It's late, why not try to get some sleep and see how you feel tomorrow? :console:

    Sleep seems to be my answer to everything these days!
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    If my 'depression' is all just due to exams, why am I crying?
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    If my 'depression' is all just due to exams, why am I crying?
    Who told you that?

    Last time I saw my psychiatrist she suggested that everything is down to my exams. Yes, those exams that have been every day for the last 7 years. :rolleyes:

    Tbh, I doubt you have depression over exams. Not the way you've described how you feel here anyway.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Who told you that?

    Last time I saw my psychiatrist she suggested that everything is down to my exams. Yes, those exams that have been every day for the last 7 years. :rolleyes:

    Tbh, I doubt you have depression over exams. Not the way you've described how you feel here anyway.
    The CPN. I don't see him any more, he tried to put all my previous problems down to exams/being 18. Because I wasn't 14/15 when I developed an eating disorder was I, so of course it's because of A levels/being 18. Idiot.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    The CPN. I don't see him any more, he tried to put all my previous problems down to exams/being 18. Because I wasn't 14/15 when I developed an eating disorder was I, so of course it's because of A levels/being 18. Idiot.
    He sounds like an idiot, don't let it get to you. Hopefully you'll be able to see someone who isn't an idiot. The first doctor I saw put it down to teenage hormones and now it's "anxiety/exams". I think all the morons gravitate to the NHS because no other country will hire them.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    He sounds like an idiot, don't let it get to you. Hopefully you'll be able to see someone who isn't an idiot. The first doctor I saw put it down to teenage hormones and now it's "anxiety/exams". I think all the morons gravitate to the NHS because no other country will hire them.
    Hmm. I guess. I don't really think I have depression though, I'm probably using it as an excuse for laziness - I'm not really depressed, just lazy and occasionally have low moods.

    Haha, perhaps. I've never experienced any medical treatment in another country, so I wouldn't know!
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Hmm. I guess. I don't really think I have depression though, I'm probably using it as an excuse for laziness - I'm not really depressed, just lazy and occasionally have low moods.

    Haha, perhaps. I've never experienced any medical treatment in another country, so I wouldn't know!
    If you were lazy, surely you wouldn't have revised so much? To me the amount of work you were doing seemed pretty immense. It seems like a hell of a lot of effort on your part if you're simply lazy :p: But yeah, I get that thought occasionally, that actually I'm perfectly fine and there's nothing wrong, I'm just a lazy ****** only my brain is so lazy that it's tricking me into not realizing. Seems like a lot of effort. If you were really just lazy wouldn't you have dropped out of school by now and joined the dole queue?
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    (Original post by Frosties1)
    [vent]

    The whole reason I'm upset all the time is, I think, because I feel so alone and without a sense of belonging, and it's my fault. It's my fault that I haven't got lots of friends and that I have so much time on my own. It's my fault I haven't spent those times cultivating those relationships and can't seem to really make any new ones. And, it makes me a fraud. I feel like my being depressed isn't really valid, because it's caused by circumstantial reasons that I am to blame for, and that aren't, I dunno, legitimate. Some people are depressed because of things of which they had no control in going wrong, or because they're body isn't functioning as it should. I'm depressed because I'm lonely. Fraud. I can't even be depressed right. I just want to better, I want to be happy, I want someone to fix me and enable me to get the things I need to just feel proud of myself, rather then embarassed about the life I lead. I feel like I have no identity, nowhere I belong, I'm just a piece of driftwood with no place or cause. I should be embarassed, this whole situation and life is embarassing, and it's all my fault, and I can't change. What in God's name is the point. It's a perpetual cycle.
    I know exactly how you feel. I felt like that for a long time, one time when i was at my absolute lowest I realised that I need stop looking for someone to 'fix' me and just try my very best to do it myself. This worked for a couple of days until i just went back to the same state i was in. I should probably see a counsellor but like you im too embarassed hence why ive never spoken about it to anyone.

    But i still think seeing a counsellor would be a good idea and you dont have to let your parents/anyone know about it if youre not ready, though i think speaking to someone you trust would be beneficial.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    If you were lazy, surely you wouldn't have revised so much? To me the amount of work you were doing seemed pretty immense. It seems like a hell of a lot of effort on your part if you're simply lazy :p: But yeah, I get that thought occasionally, that actually I'm perfectly fine and there's nothing wrong, I'm just a lazy ****** only my brain is so lazy that it's tricking me into not realizing. Seems like a lot of effort. If you were really just lazy wouldn't you have dropped out of school by now and joined the dole queue?
    I didn't revise much! Why does no one believe me haha, I barely revised! I suppose some of the thoughts I have aren't normal but I still don't feel that I'm 'depressed' - there are loads of people out there that are far worse off than me and have gone through with the thoughts, which surely means they're worse off? The fact that I haven't suggests that things aren't so bad, surely?

    Oh, and don't tempt me

    ETA: a prime example of my laziness, sitting here instead of tidying, meaning that I don't get to play with nice smelling chemicals in my bathroom and far less chance of being able to play with scented candles later. I'm just not doing it. I hate this, but it's how I've always been. I'm going to try and change it though :erm:
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    :jumphug:

    I just walked to and from the doctor's, 8 miles there and back, cos I didn't want to a) go into a shop to get change and b) actually get on a bus and have to be around that many people. My legs hurt.
    8 miles? You crazy. Wasn't it reeeeally hot today as well?

    I found the best method for a bus is sit on the aisle seat so people don't sit next to you (though they normally don't with me anyway ), baseball cap means you don't have to look at people, and mp3 player so you don't have to hear them. Works well.
 
 
 
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