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    i need to lose weight but i've tried a million times and i jut can't despite NEEDING to literally.
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    Had the worst distorted body image things this morning. Oh my God. I have no idea what caused it, I was feeling fine about my body etc. Maybe I'm starting to see things from not eating enough :rolleyes: I am trying to eat more, but I either don't feel hungry or get full really quickly :sad: But, urgh, that was horrible this morning. Maybe it's 'cause I've been feeling down all day in general? I'm finally finding the energy to think and feel again :erm:
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    (Original post by Saffie)
    No, its okay now I know what's happening but I really didn't know what my GP was going to come up with and hospital was an option.

    Can I ask if you've ever been into hospital and if so what it was like? Or is anyone else reading this and happy to talk about it?
    I was in hospital for a couple of months for depression. It actually wasn't as bad as I'd expected (I was seriously terrified before I went in). The staff were dead nice and the other patients were mostly alright too, although with a couple of major exceptions. To be honest the worst thing is it's just so ******* boring in there.

    If you want to ask me anything then feel free.
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    I feel horrible. Don't even know why. I'm staying with my friend atm and whenever they ask me why I'm feeling **** I can't answer, it's just like a huge internal sadness leaking out with no cause. Well, there are a few things which make it worse but nothing actually causing it. My strategy of constantly playing computer games is working ok but whenever I stop for a shower or food it all comes back. What makes it worse is that I should be happy right now; no uni for aaaages, staying with friend, it's summer so nice and hot, but nothing really matters or helps.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    I feel horrible. Don't even know why. I'm staying with my friend atm and whenever they ask me why I'm feeling **** I can't answer, it's just like a huge internal sadness leaking out with no cause. Well, there are a few things which make it worse but nothing actually causing it. My strategy of constantly playing computer games is working ok but whenever I stop for a shower or food it all comes back. What makes it worse is that I should be happy right now; no uni for aaaages, staying with friend, it's summer so nice and hot, but nothing really matters or helps.
    That's exactly how I feel. I have no idea how to stop it though :erm: At least your friend seems to care about you :hugs:
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    I don't wish to be around much longer.
    Bed :night:
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    (Original post by sauce)
    I don't wish to be around much longer.
    Bed :night:
    :hugs: Hope you sleep better tonight.
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    why does my own mother have to persist in belittling me and calling me fat when she knows i cant help it but comfort eat
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    why does my own mother have to persist in belittling me and calling me fat when she knows i cant help it but comfort eat
    :hugs: Try to ignore her, that's not a nice thing for her to say. Focus on yourself instead of her and what she thinks. It's hard but if you, it might help. :console:
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    (Original post by sauce)
    I don't wish to be around much longer.
    Bed :night:
    *hugs*

    Why does life have to be so hard?

    I can't sleep. I'm still in the ******* hospital but I've moved to the halfway house where I can leave during the day. Think I'm going to discharge myself, they're not helping me! I *should* be happy because I spoke to my old secondary school and they said I can finish my A levels there but I just want to go home.
    I want to disappear. I'm tired of eating. I'm worried for myself because I keep thinking in terms of how long it will take me to lose the weight they've made me put on in hospital. I calculate about 2 months. That's also how long it will take for my life to be even more **** then it is now. I want to go to college. Maybe if I have schoolwork to focus on and things other than eating and how **** I feel, maybe I won't want to kill myself every second of the day?
    They've increased my meds to 150mgs of sertraline but GRRR... just want to get a knife and cut all the food out of my stomach then cut out all the fat and then sleep until everything goes away.
    Sorry for the disturbing images.

    Hope you're all ok.

    :flyinghug: to steffi.alexa and saber and everyone else...
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    i am fat but i'm not like you girls, i seem to comfort eat. i wish i was the opposite where i couldn't eat so i'd lose this weight. i really really want to. meh. im really stressed,. i cried earlier, usual. it's so deporesing this life i don't know how we go on but i have no choice and that hurts and kills too. i wish i could end it and i want to but i can't. god. i don't want to damage myself by not eating and not eating will make me miserable but i;m bloody fat.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    *hugs*

    Why does life have to be so hard?

    I can't sleep. I'm still in the ******* hospital but I've moved to the halfway house where I can leave during the day. Think I'm going to discharge myself, they're not helping me! I *should* be happy because I spoke to my old secondary school and they said I can finish my A levels there but I just want to go home.
    I want to disappear. I'm tired of eating. I'm worried for myself because I keep thinking in terms of how long it will take me to lose the weight they've made me put on in hospital. I calculate about 2 months. That's also how long it will take for my life to be even more **** then it is now. I want to go to college. Maybe if I have schoolwork to focus on and things other than eating and how **** I feel, maybe I won't want to kill myself every second of the day?
    They've increased my meds to 150mgs of sertraline but GRRR... just want to get a knife and cut all the food out of my stomach then cut out all the fat and then sleep until everything goes away.
    Sorry for the disturbing images.

    Hope you're all ok.

    :flyinghug: to steffi.alexa and saber and everyone else...
    :hugs: I think that recovery from anorexia is a two part thing: Gaining the weight and learning to eat properly again, and learning how to combat those 'negative automatic thoughts'. But also you have to want it, you have to know that if you don't recover, this will be your life. If you do recover, however, life can be great again and you will notice a marked difference in your mood, which will help you with your depression.

    And the one day you'll get to the stage (and trust me, you will) where you're no longer controlled by your eating disorder and you're much more at peace with things than you ever could have been with your eating disorder. You'll be able to live a normal life again and work on combating other problems without your eating disorder creating you your own personal hell. Knowing that you've recovered, or are well along the way, is a great feeling and realising that without your eating disorder, you're finally back in control, real control, and have the energy (mentally and physically) to work on other things.

    And now from the perspective of a friend of people with eating disorders: the sense of relief you feel knowing that someone wants to get better and is accepting, not simply having, help is great and knowing that one day soon they'll feel so much better if great too.

    :jumphug:
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    i am fat but i'm not like you girls, i seem to comfort eat. i wish i was the opposite where i couldn't eat so i'd lose this weight. i really really want to. meh. im really stressed,. i cried earlier, usual. it's so deporesing this life i don't know how we go on but i have no choice and that hurts and kills too. i wish i could end it and i want to but i can't. god. i don't want to damage myself by not eating and not eating will make me miserable but i;m bloody fat.
    I've sent you an email reply (your PM inbox is full). :hugs:
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    can you please forward it to my inbox now i've emptied it
    sorry i dont have the password to that email
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    :hugs: I think that recovery from anorexia is a two part thing: Gaining the weight and learning to eat properly again, and learning how to combat those 'negative automatic thoughts'. But also you have to want it, you have to know that if you don't recover, this will be your life. If you do recover, however, life can be great again and you will notice a marked difference in your mood, which will help you with your depression.

    And the one day you'll get to the stage (and trust me, you will) where you're no longer controlled by your eating disorder and you're much more at peace with things than you ever could have been with your eating disorder. You'll be able to live a normal life again and work on combating other problems without your eating disorder creating you your own personal hell. Knowing that you've recovered, or are well along the way, is a great feeling and realising that without your eating disorder, you're finally back in control, real control, and have the energy (mentally and physically) to work on other things.

    And now from the perspective of a friend of people with eating disorders: the sense of relief you feel knowing that someone wants to get better and is accepting, not simply having, help is great and knowing that one day soon they'll feel so much better if great too.

    :jumphug:
    :jumphug:
    :cry: Thank you. I don't know how I feel about recovery but I know I have to do it. I can't spend my life in and out of hospital. I'm in with 2 people who are 50. I do not want to be 50 and in hospital.
    **** that. I might hate life but it's **** with an ED and if things can't get much worse they can only get better right?

    And Malsy honey, please DON'T go down the starvation route.
    It's absolute hell. I wish I could describe what it feels like... the cold that never leaves you, no matter how many layers you wear. It's being cold and wearing a jacket and scarf on a summer's day when everyone else is wearing t-shirts and shorts. It's lying awake at night with your heart beating erratically and being terrified you won't wake up yet hoping you don't, it's opening the fridge and crying because there's nothing that feels 'safe' to eat. And Malsy, starvation won't stop you from comfort eating- not really, there will be binges where your body literally takes over and grabs as much food as it can because it doesn't think you'll feed it right.
    If you starve yourself you'll only start a cycle it will be really hard to get out of. And you might not come back from it.

    I've told myself so many times that I want starvation to kill me. But really, do I?
    It's nasty. Multiple organ failure is probably painful. I assume it is, anyway.
    I'm not going to lie, part of me wishes, more than once a day when I feel as suicidal as I do, that they'd never put me in hospital and just left me to die. But if I don't try to live, if I don't try to fight, even though I really don't want to, what will happen to the people I leave behind?
    I have to create a life worth living for myself. That's daunting for anyone and it's really daunting when you have mental illness(es).
    You can do it, Malsy. You can get through this, I promise you.
    Even though you feel so weak, you're strong. If you weren't strong you wouldn't be alive right now, for whatever reason you are.

    :jumphug:

    <3
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    I was in hospital for a couple of months for depression. It actually wasn't as bad as I'd expected (I was seriously terrified before I went in). The staff were dead nice and the other patients were mostly alright too, although with a couple of major exceptions. To be honest the worst thing is it's just so ******* boring in there.

    If you want to ask me anything then feel free.
    Thanks for your reply.
    What did you do all day when you were there?

    -
    arghh bored and fed up. Damn.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Had the worst distorted body image things this morning. Oh my God. I have no idea what caused it, I was feeling fine about my body etc. Maybe I'm starting to see things from not eating enough :rolleyes: I am trying to eat more, but I either don't feel hungry or get full really quickly :sad: But, urgh, that was horrible this morning. Maybe it's 'cause I've been feeling down all day in general? I'm finally finding the energy to think and feel again :erm:
    I hate it when that happens. When you feel ok and then the next second you feel like an elephant and absolutely nothing's happened in between.

    I hear you on the appetite thing, pre AN I rarely had an appetite and in recovery... it's totally GONE. If I ate according to my appetite I'd probably be dead. I somehow don't think eating once every 3 days would cut it.
    Do you have a meal plan to follow or anything?
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :jumphug:
    :cry: Thank you. I don't know how I feel about recovery but I know I have to do it. I can't spend my life in and out of hospital. I'm in with 2 people who are 50. I do not want to be 50 and in hospital.
    **** that. I might hate life but it's **** with an ED and if things can't get much worse they can only get better right?

    And Malsy honey, please DON'T go down the starvation route.
    It's absolute hell. I wish I could describe what it feels like... the cold that never leaves you, no matter how many layers you wear. It's being cold and wearing a jacket and scarf on a summer's day when everyone else is wearing t-shirts and shorts. It's lying awake at night with your heart beating erratically and being terrified you won't wake up yet hoping you don't, it's opening the fridge and crying because there's nothing that feels 'safe' to eat. And Malsy, starvation won't stop you from comfort eating- not really, there will be binges where your body literally takes over and grabs as much food as it can because it doesn't think you'll feed it right.
    If you starve yourself you'll only start a cycle it will be really hard to get out of. And you might not come back from it.

    I've told myself so many times that I want starvation to kill me. But really, do I?
    It's nasty. Multiple organ failure is probably painful. I assume it is, anyway.
    I'm not going to lie, part of me wishes, more than once a day when I feel as suicidal as I do, that they'd never put me in hospital and just left me to die. But if I don't try to live, if I don't try to fight, even though I really don't want to, what will happen to the people I leave behind?
    I have to create a life worth living for myself. That's daunting for anyone and it's really daunting when you have mental illness(es).
    You can do it, Malsy. You can get through this, I promise you.
    Even though you feel so weak, you're strong. If you weren't strong you wouldn't be alive right now, for whatever reason you are.

    :jumphug:

    <3
    Wow, I couldn't have put it better myself. :hugs: Life after an eating disorder is much better than you'd even think now, so it's great basically haha and you can recover, you just have to let the doctors do what they know is best for you. :console:

    (Original post by diamonddust)
    I hate it when that happens. When you feel ok and then the next second you feel like an elephant and absolutely nothing's happened in between.

    I hear you on the appetite thing, pre AN I rarely had an appetite and in recovery... it's totally GONE. If I ate according to my appetite I'd probably be dead. I somehow don't think eating once every 3 days would cut it.
    Do you have a meal plan to follow or anything?
    Yeah, it's horrible but you just have to remember that it's what your mind is saying and not what's actually there.

    I don't have a meal plan, as I've been discharged from any help with my eating disorder for months now because I'm fine. It's just every once in a while (about once every 6 months), I'll have this sudden eating disordered thought. It normally goes away after an hour or so though, sometimes even less. The lose of appetite is because of the depression, but I can work through that. :yep:

    :hugs:

    I think it might have been the antidepressants - I've been so out of it recently that it wouldn't surprise me if I started seeing things :teehee:

    ------------------

    Managed to get to sleep at 2am last night! :woo: I did wake up about 5 hours later though and couldn't get back to sleep but I was so spaced out! Managed to get a normal amount of sleep though. Maybe soon I can start sleeping at normal hours :rolleyes: Need to get over this phobia of sleep :yep:
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    Grr, itchy fingers. I keep thinking of places where I can cut that people wouldn't notice - the arms are out, as the ex still checks them now and again (too complicated, my head hurts when I think about what's going on between us), legs maybe? Mehhh.

    I keep having bad dreams and nightmares again. Sigh. My eating sucks - currently on an 'eat everything in sight' week which means I'll put on all the weight I lost. Next week I'll eat maybe two meals the entire week? Stupid. Grr. I make myself too angry.
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    Grr, itchy fingers. I keep thinking of places where I can cut that people wouldn't notice - the arms are out, as the ex still checks them now and again (too complicated, my head hurts when I think about what's going on between us), legs maybe? Mehhh.

    I keep having bad dreams and nightmares again. Sigh. My eating sucks - currently on an 'eat everything in sight' week which means I'll put on all the weight I lost. Next week I'll eat maybe two meals the entire week? Stupid. Grr. I make myself too angry.
    :hugs: Try not to cut, it's only a temporary solution whilst going to the doctor's and getting help is a permanent solution. Have you tried the alternative ones - ice, elastic bands etc? Just until the feelings subside? :console:

    :hugs: try to force yourself to eat enough each day, regardless of appetite, then your appetite should start to even out.
 
 
 
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