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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    :hugs: Would something like a movie/TV show/game help to distract you from how you're feeling for a while?

    ---

    OCD and housework aren't the best things to mix. :nothing: Thankfully I sort of have it under control so didn't hoover the kitchen for a third time today :facepalm: Still got me anxious though :erm:

    I had this grand plan to be asleep by now (today I don't seem to scared to try and sleep) and get up early and do things but I can't fall asleep :sad: I'm too tired to do anything though, so I expect to spend the next 4 hours lying in the dark. At least cleaning the house today kept me too busy to think about how I feel :yep:

    Oh, forgot to mention: I'm so tired that I almost did fall asleep (this early!) but suddenly remembered exams and results day etc and now I can't sleep for panicking I'd really like a normal sleep routine back at some point. I think... I could just sleep all day and night and then I wouldn't have to do anything :moon:
    I went to sleep... it didn't help. I feel even worse today. I had another nightmare and I can't shake this feeling of just.... inevitable sorrow.

    I just don't want to be here. I'm not going to actively do anything.... But I just don't feel like I'd want to do anything to stop death. I think that makes sense? Yesterday when I was being driven to a mates house by another friend he nearly totalled us on a roundabout and I felt nothing. He was quite shook up by it but I just couldn't care less. In fact, I think I wanted him to crash, it would be easier.
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    Hi guys, thank you for your kind replies and advice; I really appreciate it.

    As everyone has said, I think have too much time on my hands, and I really need to keep myself busy. I'm hoping today will be a better day for me as I'm looking after my 6 year old cousins ( who are twins ), which will provide me with much needed distraction: I'll probably take them somewhere nice like the boats or cinema.

    Like others, my sleeping pattern seems to be getting much worst - although a part of this can be attributed to jet lag, as I've only recentely returned recentel from Florida - my mind seems to be racing at night, and i just keep thinking how much of my life I'm wasting from feeling completely crap all the time.
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    I went to sleep... it didn't help. I feel even worse today. I had another nightmare and I can't shake this feeling of just.... inevitable sorrow.

    I just don't want to be here. I'm not going to actively do anything.... But I just don't feel like I'd want to do anything to stop death. I think that makes sense? Yesterday when I was being driven to a mates house by another friend he nearly totalled us on a roundabout and I felt nothing. He was quite shook up by it but I just couldn't care less. In fact, I think I wanted him to crash, it would be easier.
    :hugs: Yeah, that makes sense. Things are going to improve :console: Have you phoned your GP yet? You still have people around you that care for you and love you and whether you do anything actively or go in a crash, they will miss you deeply.

    ---

    I've overslept. I 'slept' through 4 alarms. :nothing: I say 'slept' because for at least the first 3, I was awake. :nothing: Now I don't have time to go for a jog or do anything but sort out stuff for this stupid end of year party my Mum's having. I am going to try and get into a routine with my sleep, but it's taking forever for me to fall asleep.
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    Urgh, there are about 20 people (all strangers bar 2) and I've been having to play hostess etc and I'm getting so panicky that I've locked myself in my room. :nothing: Why can't I handle normal things any more? :sad:

    How is everyone today?
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    I think most people would be a bit nervous with so many new faces .

    I just woke up haha, mmmm sleep was good.
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    I'm sleepy, I want an afternoon nap but can't get to sleep :unimpressed: I did swim and run today though. Am deffo speeding up my swimming too which is good, can really feel it in my bingos
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    :hugs: Yeah, that makes sense. Things are going to improve :console: Have you phoned your GP yet? You still have people around you that care for you and love you and whether you do anything actively or go in a crash, they will miss you deeply.
    Mmmm.

    No. Not yet. Bah.

    I hate that I can go one week eating about 5 things all week and then spend the next week shovelling everything I can find down my throat.
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    (Original post by CherryCherryBoomBoom)
    I've got this piano in my house, which I hardly play anymore. I keep listening to lovely songs on my computer with wonderful piano melodies, and feel a little inspired to have a go playing them myself on the piano . Only, I have this thing of imagining doing things I'd like to do in my head, but never actually plucking up the effort to do them :erm:. I think I should stop being lazy for once though. I've never even had piano lessons before, except for learning simple keyboard tunes in Key Stage 3 lessons at school, and that's it. Still, I know enough to try.

    I also want to start drawing again. I keep looking at amazing artwork on DeviantArt, but haven't really done my own for a long time now. I guess now I have no real excuse to get bored in the summer. Maybe these activities could help channel my energy? Imma try :grin:
    Go for it. Reading music is pretty easy and there will be LOADS of videos and explanations online. You can probably even download and print piano music for free so if you've got the piano already should be free/cost of ink to learn. Though, yes it does take a lot of practice and time and patience but it's something to do and should hopefully make you feel a little better as well. And drawing...I don't know anything about drawing except it's nice to look at :p: so give that a go too.
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    I'm bouncing off the walls atm, ******* brilliant
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    Feeling so angry, WHY DO I BOTHER.
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    Whats up? :hugs:
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    Mmmm.

    No. Not yet. Bah.

    I hate that I can go one week eating about 5 things all week and then spend the next week shovelling everything I can find down my throat.
    :hugs: Getting help could really improve things for you. :console:

    It's just your body trying to level things out so that it gets enough. Try not to focus on it :jumphug:

    ---

    Still playing hostess/waitress/washer up person. I've done 5 hours of work today :dry: So much for 3 weeks off from cleaning! But I'm starting to feel less anxious, though my Mum keeps looking worried and asking if I'm okay so I must still be giving off a panicky vibe.

    Also, if it weren't for those meal replacement shakes (which are not a meal by any stretch of the imagination unless you're a bloody fly), I probably wouldn't have eaten yet today - I've been that busy. :sad: I also haven't been feeling hungry at all recently. :mad2:
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    Whats the nutrition in these shakes like?
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    (Original post by Idiot-Finder)
    Whats the nutrition in these shakes like?
    They're fairly low on calories as they're supposed to be dietary (but I make them up with fat milk rather than skimmed :teehee:). Other than that they've got quite a few minerals and vitamins in. I only looked at the vitamin D thing and not anything else - I tend to try to avoid looking at the nutrition on food but the calories stuck out because it was written all over the packaging.

    There are probably much better ones out there, but I don't care because it tastes like melted ice cream and is super quick and I don't have to chew it, I just have to down the glass.
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    Well I am glad your getting something, is a lot better than nothing.

    Decided to stop the chemo treatment on my neck (have a tumor that got diagnosed 15 months ago.) Seemed ironical to be trying to do everything possible to stay alive when I don't want too.
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    (Original post by Idiot-Finder)
    Well I am glad your getting something, is a lot better than nothing.

    Decided to stop the chemo treatment on my neck (have a tumor that got diagnosed 15 months ago.) Seemed ironical to be trying to do everything possible to stay alive when I don't want too.
    It is. It's also the quickest, easiest form of food in this house. :erm:

    :hugs: Don't do that, you're getting treatment for your depression now right? Well chances are that soon you'll start feeling better and it's highly likely that you'll end up regretting that decision. As a very wise friend (who has depression) told me: never make important decisions whilst you're feeling like **** because you're likely to make bad ones. She said it more nicely than that, but I'm not as good with words as she is.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    It is. It's also the quickest, easiest form of food in this house. :erm:

    :hugs: Don't do that, you're getting treatment for your depression now right? Well chances are that soon you'll start feeling better and it's highly likely that you'll end up regretting that decision.
    Providing your getting enough calories. I am into weightlifting.. when I mix a protein shake with some oats and full milk I can make 600-800 calories in a cup.

    And meh, I thought about it a lot, its not been something I just came up with today. I don't have the courage to kill myself, this just does it naturally, it will take years anyway.. I have got to the point it is close to gone, so takes time to come back. I only hope that someone who want's to live who dies on chemo can take my place instead.
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    (Original post by Idiot-Finder)
    Providing your getting enough calories. I am into weightlifting.. when I mix a protein shake with some oats and full milk I can make 600-800 calories in a cup.

    And meh, I thought about it a lot, its not been something I just came up with today. I don't have the courage to kill myself, this just does it naturally, it will take years anyway.. I have got to the point it is close to gone, so takes time to come back. I only hope that someone who want's to live who dies on chemo can take my place instead.
    :hugs: My point is that things are going to improve for you and you will regret it. The best thing to do IMO is stay passive with all big decisions - don't make changes (unless of course it's something new) and you're unlikely to regret it once you're better. Depression doesn't have to be forever, you can get better and most people do. You've only just started treatment haven't you? It's going to take a good few weeks for things to start working, but they will and when they do you don't want to be in a worse situation with this. If it's close to gone then it's not going to be too long before you don't have to have the chemo, right?

    Sorry if I'm bombarding you, it's just I've known loads of people die from cancer and it is not a pretty or easy way to go. :console:
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    They're fairly low on calories as they're supposed to be dietary (but I make them up with fat milk rather than skimmed :teehee:). Other than that they've got quite a few minerals and vitamins in. I only looked at the vitamin D thing and not anything else - I tend to try to avoid looking at the nutrition on food but the calories stuck out because it was written all over the packaging.

    There are probably much better ones out there, but I don't care because it tastes like melted ice cream and is super quick and I don't have to chew it, I just have to down the glass.
    Don't want to upset you but this sounds a lot like the starts of a relapse to me...you should really try to eat proper meals :hugs: these just aren't providing enough for your body to maintain a sensible weight
    (Original post by Idiot-Finder)
    Whats up? :hugs:
    I worked really hard in martial arts and stopped going for a break, however i see other people that are no way my level being promoted above me in terms of belts. Seriously, even with my 2 month break theya re nowhere near my level/spirit/attendance. **** it all.
    (Original post by Idiot-Finder)
    Well I am glad your getting something, is a lot better than nothing.

    Decided to stop the chemo treatment on my neck (have a tumor that got diagnosed 15 months ago.) Seemed ironical to be trying to do everything possible to stay alive when I don't want too.
    Seriously? Please don't do this
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    (Original post by sauce)
    Don't want to upset you but this sounds a lot like the starts of a relapse to me...you should really try to eat proper meals :hugs: these just aren't providing enough for your body to maintain a sensible weight
    I just don't have any appetite or energy to eat at the moment. The shakes are on top of what I've been eating, so it's another few hundred calories. I am at the turning point where I could relapse because of the weight I've lost in such a short time but if I up the kcals, I should be fine. So I am trying to get more, I'm not just living on the shakes!

    Also, I've noticed that I'm not even drinking enough :erm: I need to sort this out :yep: But all I want to do right now is go to sleep, not eat :sad:
 
 
 
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