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    (Original post by becki08)
    I'm so so. Had group this morning and there's a new program called STEPS starting up soon. It's basically the skills part of DBT and is supposed to help you learn how to deal with emotions (supposed to be good for borderline personality disorder which I have). The facilitator at my group is going to try to get me onto the pilot program as it should help me learn how to cope with feelings before I (hopefully) have psychotherapy and the therapeutic community I've been referred to.

    How are you?
    wow, sounds complicated. good luck with it, I hope it helps. Do you know when it starts or how long until they let you know if you're in?
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    wow, sounds complicated. good luck with it, I hope it helps. Do you know when it starts or how long until they let you know if you're in?
    I think it starts in a few weeks. I'll see the facilitator again at next week's group and he's the one in charge of the waiting list so I hopefully he'll be able to let me know if I'm in.

    What's wrong?
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    (Original post by becki08)
    I think it starts in a few weeks. I'll see the facilitator again at next week's group and he's the one in charge of the waiting list so I hopefully he'll be able to let me know if I'm in.

    What's wrong?
    usual stuff.
    sex problems with my boyfriend, and the fact that I just can't find anywhere that I feel like I fit to talk about my problems. I even signed up to an abuse forum that someone on here linked me and I still felt out of place.
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    usual stuff.
    sex problems with my boyfriend, and the fact that I just can't find anywhere that I feel like I fit to talk about my problems. I even signed up to an abuse forum that someone on here linked me and I still felt out of place.
    :hugs: Have you been on RYL? (www.recoveryourlife.com) It's a self-harm website but it's got a bullying and abuse forum on there and I find it really helpful.
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    (Original post by becki08)
    :hugs: Have you been on RYL? (www.recoveryourlife.com) It's a self-harm website but it's got a bullying and abuse forum on there and I find it really helpful.
    I don't think so, i'll take a look. thanks for the link
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    I don't think so, i'll take a look. thanks for the link
    No problem. I hope it helps
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    (Original post by RachelOranges)
    Yeah I do recommend getting creative with food, I think it will help you learn to like it again. Yeah the voices are annoying because everyone is telling you one thing but then in my head I hear another, you'd think that the majority would rule but I don't know why the single voice seems to rule over what others tell me...I'm always hard on myself and I know I should give my self a break but it's easier said than done, breaking a habit of a life time as they say. We're all here to support each other, no worries. :hugs: its easier to talk things through especially with people who are going through similar problems. I find that my "therapy" is helping others because in turn I sort of think "hey I should try doing that myself, see if it works for me".
    Obviously all your problems aren't going to be solved over night but little progress is better than no progress at all. Have you tried talking to someone about your worries and concerns, often problems with food, whether it be an eating disorder or something else, whatever it is they are never as black and white as "Oh I think I'm fat", if only they were that simple. Problems with food can be linked to a variety of issues and I think that in order to get over it you must identify what the issue is. For me the issue was not wanting to end up how I was when I was younger and wasn't eating properly, I made my self really ill, t was a scary time, I never talked about it properly so the problem never really when away. But now I'm talking to a consellor I feel like I'm answering a lot of questions myself, the consellor is just makng me think about things and trying to make sense of what is going on up-stairs.
    My anxiety isn't too bad now, I get moments where I feel a bit out of control with things but they soon pass, and I haven't had a panic attack all week now *touch wood* which is great! I'm just scared that going back home will set it off again, it's strange most people miss home but I don't, I love my family but I don't miss home...I felt, so suffocated, controlled, here there is so much space and liberation...its hard to explain...

    Your problem doesn't have to be life threatening to speak to a counsellor but you've got to want to do it. I see it as a way of taking control and deciding for your self what you want to do about your situation, the consellor is there to guide your thoughts.
    I'm sure you have goals you want to achieve and you need a healthy mind AND body to achieve that, without eating properly neither are going to be functioning properly ( that was another motivation for me) so maybe that is something to think about.
    :hugs: Thanks for that! I found this amazing food blog with all these pretty pictures that makes food look good, I still don't want to eat it but I'm thinking about cooking for everyone else just for something to do and maybe then if it smells nice I might eat it? Hmm. Dunno.

    I still don't want food. I've managed to make myself eat but I stil feel bad and guilty and try to compensate for it by exercising and stuff, which means that the mindset behind it still hasn't changed. I'm trying to think about why this might be happening and I think it might be because when I was younger I never really ate and I remember my mum used this egg timer and used to tell me that if I didn't eat in the time limit I'd get into trouble so I used to spend mealtimes really scared. I got forcefed weetabix and ending up being sick and I remember having to clean it up. So I guess I might associate food with fear? I don't know.
    I think the eating thing is partly because every female in my family (apart from my sister) is pretty significantly overweight or obese and I'm scared of being like them. But then I hardly ever sit still so even when I did eat 'normally' I never put on weight so I know I can eat whatever I want so food really shouldn't be an issue. But my mum started out really skinny and then turned 20 and suddenly got overweight and now she can't lose weight. But I know I need to put on weight, I just don't want to put on too much. I don't even care about the underweight-overweight thing, I just want to be fit and toned and even though I'm slim I'm not those things.

    My sister was saying the same thing, I need to get to the root of it. I'm a bit upset now because I babysit my sister's friend's daughter and now my sister's friend wants to talk to me about my eating because obviously I can't collaspe when I'm looking after her daughter but the thing that really upset me is she said I have to work on my confidence because her daughter looks up to me and she wants her daughter to be confident and I'm not basically. Which hurts. A lot. Not that I never knew that but being told... hurts.

    But yeah, my main aim right now is to get a B in Biology and get through the A2 exams and get to university. To do that I have to eat and sleep and feel good.

    I feel like crying right now though. Because honestly, I don't want to eat. I can make myself- at least I know I can do that- but I don't want to and when I do I feel like I'm betraying myself.
    I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I feel so weak right now, it's like I can't eat normally even when I am eating and I hate myself for it and I don't even care if I do get ill which is the scariest thing because I should care shouldn't I?
    It's like I'm just watching myself with this morbid fascination and just waiting to see what will happen next. Which is ridiculous and stupid and I hate myself even more. I just can't respect myself. Not when I'm like this, not when I'm normal. I don't know what I have to do to start liking myself.
    I'm going to have to seriously talk to my psychologist about this, CBT has to work because I can't live like this. I just can't. :cry:

    Do you *have* to go home Rachel? Could you stay with a friend or something? Parents do kind of excabate (sp?) things, their concern kind of makes things worse. I'm so glad your anxiety has mostly got better and I really really hope everything goes well for you. You've been so lovely to me with all your help and I hope it doesn't sound like I'm not listening because I am but it's like my mind wants something different...
    But :hugs: to you and good luck with counselling and everything. xx

    I can't believe how many of us on this soc have developed food issues... what is it about food?

    Kiss me now- :hugs: Same here. One bourbon biscuit and a mug of green tea for me. :sigh:

    And Jonathan- :hugs: I'm sure the weeks will whizz by once you get into the swing of things. How is uni going? xx
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs: Thanks for that! I found this amazing food blog with all these pretty pictures that makes food look good, I still don't want to eat it but I'm thinking about cooking for everyone else just for something to do and maybe then if it smells nice I might eat it? Hmm. Dunno.

    I still don't want food. I've managed to make myself eat but I stil feel bad and guilty and try to compensate for it by exercising and stuff, which means that the mindset behind it still hasn't changed. I'm trying to think about why this might be happening and I think it might be because when I was younger I never really ate and I remember my mum used this egg timer and used to tell me that if I didn't eat in the time limit I'd get into trouble so I used to spend mealtimes really scared. I got forcefed weetabix and ending up being sick and I remember having to clean it up. So I guess I might associate food with fear? I don't know.
    I think the eating thing is partly because every female in my family (apart from my sister) is pretty significantly overweight or obese and I'm scared of being like them. But then I hardly ever sit still so even when I did eat 'normally' I never put on weight so I know I can eat whatever I want so food really shouldn't be an issue. But my mum started out really skinny and then turned 20 and suddenly got overweight and now she can't lose weight. But I know I need to put on weight, I just don't want to put on too much. I don't even care about the underweight-overweight thing, I just want to be fit and toned and even though I'm slim I'm not those things.

    My sister was saying the same thing, I need to get to the root of it. I'm a bit upset now because I babysit my sister's friend's daughter and now my sister's friend wants to talk to me about my eating because obviously I can't collaspe when I'm looking after her daughter but the thing that really upset me is she said I have to work on my confidence because her daughter looks up to me and she wants her daughter to be confident and I'm not basically. Which hurts. A lot. Not that I never knew that but being told... hurts.

    But yeah, my main aim right now is to get a B in Biology and get through the A2 exams and get to university. To do that I have to eat and sleep and feel good.

    I feel like crying right now though. Because honestly, I don't want to eat. I can make myself- at least I know I can do that- but I don't want to and when I do I feel like I'm betraying myself.
    I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I feel so weak right now, it's like I can't eat normally even when I am eating and I hate myself for it and I don't even care if I do get ill which is the scariest thing because I should care shouldn't I?
    It's like I'm just watching myself with this morbid fascination and just waiting to see what will happen next. Which is ridiculous and stupid and I hate myself even more. I just can't respect myself. Not when I'm like this, not when I'm normal. I don't know what I have to do to start liking myself.
    I'm going to have to seriously talk to my psychologist about this, CBT has to work because I can't live like this. I just can't. :cry:

    Do you *have* to go home Rachel? Could you stay with a friend or something? Parents do kind of excabate (sp?) things, their concern kind of makes things worse. I'm so glad your anxiety has mostly got better and I really really hope everything goes well for you. You've been so lovely to me with all your help and I hope it doesn't sound like I'm not listening because I am but it's like my mind wants something different...
    But :hugs: to you and good luck with counselling and everything. xx

    I can't believe how many of us on this soc have developed food issues... what is it about food?

    Kiss me now- :hugs: Same here. One bourbon biscuit and a mug of green tea for me. :sigh:

    And Jonathan- :hugs: I'm sure the weeks will whizz by once you get into the swing of things. How is uni going? xx
    :hugs: I'm sorry to say this but I think maybe your doctor does have a point about your eating. The reasons behind it are obviously a big problem and I really do think it's a good idea to talk to your psychologist. Obviously I can't say whether you have an ED but it might be worth asking to see a specialist because even if it's not that, they might be able to give you ideas on how you can find eating a less scary experience. I understand what you mean about not caring if you get ill :hugs: Just remember though that if that happens it'll make your mood even worse so you need to try and fight against that thought if you can. Here if you want to talk xx
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    Not my best. getting by though thanks

    what's up?
    Feels like everyone's against me and they're all trying to force me into one thing (counselling/'getting better')

    I can't accept the way my body is right now as happy and normal, but I'm changing that by exercising more and eating less/more healthily. I'm perfectly happy with how my mind is atm. Yes, it's ****** up, and yes I get really low points, but equally I get some awesome high points and I don't want to change what is in essence my personality. Not to mention that I've finally settled at college and am starting to get to grips with work better now and I don't want this upheaval to affect my grades this year or heaven forbid, uni next year.

    (ETA - I ate 'normally' today - probably around 1200 cals, my upper limit - and I feel ridiculously fat and sick. That's not right.)
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    Feels like everyone's against me and they're all trying to force me into one thing (counselling/'getting better')

    I can't accept the way my body is right now as happy and normal, but I'm changing that by exercising more and eating less/more healthily. I'm perfectly happy with how my mind is atm. Yes, it's ****** up, and yes I get really low points, but equally I get some awesome high points and I don't want to change what is in essence my personality. Not to mention that I've finally settled at college and am starting to get to grips with work better now and I don't want this upheaval to affect my grades this year or heaven forbid, uni next year.
    I know it can feel like that but try to remember they think they're only doing what's best for you.

    Seeing as you find that you're settled and you're happy with your mind then I don't see a huge problem. counselling is generally a helpful thing, but sometimes it isn't and sometimes things get worse before they get better. What counselling won't do is change who you are. your personality is not defined by your depression.
    It's definitely an option to consider, and I don't think you'd find it to be the huge upheaval that you think it will be, but don't feel forced in to it.

    What you might want to do about your family and friends is just say that while you appreciate them trying to help counselling is something that will only help if you come to it in your own time and on your own terms. stress that being pushed in to it can be damaging and they should listen.
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    (Original post by becki08)
    :hugs: I'm sorry to say this but I think maybe your doctor does have a point about your eating. The reasons behind it are obviously a big problem and I really do think it's a good idea to talk to your psychologist. Obviously I can't say whether you have an ED but it might be worth asking to see a specialist because even if it's not that, they might be able to give you ideas on how you can find eating a less scary experience. I understand what you mean about not caring if you get ill :hugs: Just remember though that if that happens it'll make your mood even worse so you need to try and fight against that thought if you can. Here if you want to talk xx

    Becki, thank you. :hugs:
    You guys are seriously making me cry, I don't feel like anyone I know irl really understands.
    I don't really know where to start tbh, for one thing an ED seems like such a white middle class thing and I know this sounds so stupid and obviously things like that affect all races and all classes and stuff but it just doesn't seem like *me*, if you see what I mean.
    I need to sort this out, because like you said, if I do get ill my mood will be worse and I can't see that ending well. So, I talk to my psychologist. Really talk to her. Maybe I should print out the post before?
    But I'm so scared. I hate it when they give you significant looks and 'mmm' and do all that stuff. I'm fine. But I have to fight whatever the hell this thing is.
    Thanks for being here. :hugs:
    Sorry for being self obsessed and annoying. How are things going with you Becki? I saw what you said about the STEP program? What exactly is that? It sounds complicated. I really hope you're ok. Thanks again. :hugs:
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    I've had a headache all ******* afternoon. This is no doubt due to the pressure of the school environment-my head ******* kills! started in school and had it all afternoon despite sleeping for 3 hours. ffs.
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    What a crappy day today. I just feel....
    I was fine in the morning but as soon as the evening came "The fear" kicked in again. Had another panic attack for no stupid reason ( just as I thought I was getting better), I managed to calm myself quicker though but I just feel so helpless...so lost...so...I've never attempted suicide but I tend to think about death a lot because I feel I can't cope with what is going on at the moment. I'm just cracking up for no reason, I have no reason to feel sad, I have so much going for me...but at the same time despite ones situations you can still feel crap. Look at Robbie Willams, the man who is "rich rich rich" and yet he has so many problems. My favourite lines from his songs are "I'm controlled by my fears and all the voices in my head that I can hear" and "I don't want to die but I aint keen on living either".
    I just feel like I'm letting people down. I have good friends but I don't want them to see me like this, they are used to me being happy, I feel like I'm just dragging them down with this.. but it's hard. I really need to vent but I have to miss a counselling session next week.
    I just want to feel stronger....I had another food moment today...which isn't good as I've walked so much today. The thing is I'm not dangerously underweight, in fact my weight is normal for my height but something in me is scared that I will get ill...like I used to be. When I think about things especially going home and seeing old friends I panic...I don't know why...I just feel so...confused. Just when I think I'm making progress I have another attack. I don't want this to be my life. I know I can be stronger than this, I got through a really tough period during my A2 levels...I think since then I haven't been the same...I just want it to go away. "the fear" and not knowing what/where the fear comes from...

    Diamonddust: I think you have answered your own question, memories from your youth can come back ( as it has done so with me). I think what happened with you when you were younger plays a big role in your fear of food but talk to your therapist about it as I'm no expert. A2 biology is brilliant! I did it, and loved every second of it, its a great goal to set your self and learning about the body you will also learn about the effects not eating can have on it. The fear of being overweight is also an issue I have but it doesn't mean that it WILL happen to you. Cooking for others is a good idea and a great start to learning to like food again. Even if you have to force your self to eat something it is better than running on no fuel at all in the long term especially.

    Is anyone else at University here? Have you spoken to your tutor/lecturers about how you feel, I'm so scared it will effect my work, the way I'm feeling...and I haven't told anyone yet about how I feel...only the consellor but that is confidential obviously.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Becki, thank you. :hugs:
    You guys are seriously making me cry, I don't feel like anyone I know irl really understands.
    I don't really know where to start tbh, for one thing an ED seems like such a white middle class thing and I know this sounds so stupid and obviously things like that affect all races and all classes and stuff but it just doesn't seem like *me*, if you see what I mean.
    I need to sort this out, because like you said, if I do get ill my mood will be worse and I can't see that ending well. So, I talk to my psychologist. Really talk to her. Maybe I should print out the post before?
    But I'm so scared. I hate it when they give you significant looks and 'mmm' and do all that stuff. I'm fine. But I have to fight whatever the hell this thing is.
    Thanks for being here. :hugs:
    Sorry for being self obsessed and annoying. How are things going with you Becki? I saw what you said about the STEP program? What exactly is that? It sounds complicated. I really hope you're ok. Thanks again. :hugs:
    You're not being self-obsessed or annoying at all hun :hugs: I understand what you mean about it not feeling like *you* are the type of person to have an ED but remember that anyone from any background can have one. I think printing out what you posted and showing it to your psychologist is a very good idea. If you're open with her then she can try to help you.

    I'm...despairing. I went to a desserts evening social tonight but couldn't let myself touch a thing, not even a single strawberry. Everything smelt and looked so good and it was basically my idea of hell at the moment. The STEP program is a skills group that helps you learn to deal with intense emotions. They're doing it as a pilot in my area and it runs for 20 weeks. Not too sure exactly what it involves but it sounds like it could be helpful.
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    (Original post by becki08)
    You're not being self-obsessed or annoying at all hun :hugs: I understand what you mean about it not feeling like *you* are the type of person to have an ED but remember that anyone from any background can have one. I think printing out what you posted and showing it to your psychologist is a very good idea. If you're open with her then she can try to help you.

    I'm...despairing. I went to a desserts evening social tonight but couldn't let myself touch a thing, not even a single strawberry. Everything smelt and looked so good and it was basically my idea of hell at the moment. The STEP program is a skills group that helps you learn to deal with intense emotions. They're doing it as a pilot in my area and it runs for 20 weeks. Not too sure exactly what it involves but it sounds like it could be helpful.
    Yeah I decided to do the same with my post and let the counsellor know, it just scares me a lot...feeling like that. :eek3:

    As for the program you are starting it sounds good. Let us know how it goes and good luck with it
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    I've had a headache all ******* afternoon. This is no doubt due to the pressure of the school environment-my head ******* kills! started in school and had it all afternoon despite sleeping for 3 hours. ffs.
    Ah stress never helps and lack of sleep can make it worse. I hope you have sweet dreams tonight and wake up feeling better.
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    Got sent home from work early because it was dead. So I'm settling down for the night with a cup of tea, a snack and a documentry
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    (Original post by becki08)
    You're not being self-obsessed or annoying at all hun :hugs: I understand what you mean about it not feeling like *you* are the type of person to have an ED but remember that anyone from any background can have one. I think printing out what you posted and showing it to your psychologist is a very good idea. If you're open with her then she can try to help you.

    I'm...despairing. I went to a desserts evening social tonight but couldn't let myself touch a thing, not even a single strawberry. Everything smelt and looked so good and it was basically my idea of hell at the moment. The STEP program is a skills group that helps you learn to deal with intense emotions. They're doing it as a pilot in my area and it runs for 20 weeks. Not too sure exactly what it involves but it sounds like it could be helpful.
    I'm sorry, I have to get off in a sec 'cause my mum's going to kill me but just wanted to give you a :hugs: and say good luck with STEP when you start it. Are you despairing because you couldn't eat any of the desserts? How's your eating? Is the restriction just desserts or is it most food? Sorry for all the questions xx

    Hi Kiss me now and Rachel and Malsy and anyone else if you're online. :hugs: to you all and hope you're doing well. Night xx
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    Got sent home from work early because it was dead. So I'm settling down for the night with a cup of tea, a snack and a documentry
    That sounds nice. I just finished watching The Punisher. So delightfully dark. Makes me feel like I'm not alone in how I feel sometimes. How's things in general?
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    (Original post by D-Day)
    That sounds nice. I just finished watching The Punisher. So delightfully dark. Makes me feel like I'm not alone in how I feel sometimes. How's things in general?
    Not so great, I feel very out of sorts with myself atm. I'm meeting my best mate for coffee later so that will be good Other than that I'm just working to get to the end of this week, I only have college Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday because half term starts on Thursday for me
 
 
 
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