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    I was feeling really good today, got a bunch of stuff done, and then it came to cleaning my room and I've just run out of steam. But I need to clean my room to find all the laundry so I can get that on. and if I don't get the laundry on I can't make change my sheets tomorrow. The animals smell like they could do with a cleanout as well but clean out day is tomorrow and I have slight issues with messing up my routine.

    just feel like going back to bed now. I've been feeling so low this week and I thought today I'd actually feel good for a whole day. nope. ****** old self.
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    what's up?
    I hate myself and my life, that's what :cry:
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    (Original post by BruceTaylor)
    I hate myself and my life, that's what :cry:
    *hugs*
    want to talk about anything?
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    :sigh:
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    :sigh:
    :hugs: What's up?
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    URGH. i just cant even look at myself i feel depressed. i honestly don't know how i am carrying on in this state. i'm feeling the depression feeling kicking in now
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    Ever had such a sever lack of self confidence that you end up thinking of doing stupid things to make you feel better about yourself? Anything to make you feel more......I don't know..... Why can't I just love myself? *sigh*

    Malsy :hughs:
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    this **** never ends. I got a message from my ex today, he's joined this site called fetlife (a facebook for the fetish community) and made friends with a bunch of local people, and found some photos and a video that they made.
    I've emailed the people in charge to say that it's not a roleplay video it's genuine footage and photographs of them raping someone underage and i'm just petrified I'll get an email back saying that I'm making it up or something. I hate that anyone could see that. I hate that I must walk past people in the street that have seen it. Things like this make me feel forced out of my home.
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    Well, that's horrible. Have you considered reporting it to some people of slightly more severity than the admins of a stupid website?
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    (Original post by mhsc)
    Well, that's horrible. Have you considered reporting it to some people of slightly more severity than the admins of a stupid website?
    no, I haven't had particularly good experiences with the police and I just feel like it would be really stressful. If they won't take it down then I might.
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    You might find simply saying "The issue has been forwarded to the police" will be sufficient to make it disappear tbh.
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    I just had a big argument with my mum and brother and I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. She was saying all I need to do is keep the house tidy (I gave everything a major tidy yesterday and he does absolutely nothing) then there wouldn't be any problems with my brother, and that she thinks my room has a lot to do with my mental state so I kind of lost it. I said "You have no ******* idea why I feel like this, I ******* hate you why can't you just leave me alone and stop acting like having a tidy room will fix the fact that I was raped" I was so sure that if she knew then she'd stop it all. that she wouldn't let me live like this being abused day after day and would do something about her son, instead she just told me that I should keep the place tidy and that would solve everything.

    I feel like someone's hit me in the face with a hammer. Like I'm just a mess of insides on the outside, not even recognisable as a human being or deserving of any kind of validation. I feel like if I looked in the mirror right now I'd just see a hideous lump of mutilated flesh with everything in the wrong places. like a slightly more gory picasso.

    I had a really tough counselling session this morning as well. I just didn't need to come home to this after an hour of bawling my eyes out about how my family have really let me down.
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    if anyone around? I just really need someone to tell me that it's not my fault he treats me like that.
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    urgh.
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    if anyone around? I just really need someone to tell me that it's not my fault he treats me like that.

    it's not your fault. you probably have not done anything wrong, whoever it is, i'm sure they just think they can treat you that way for no reason whatsoever; i think it's them that has the problem not you.:hugs:
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    It's just hard to come to terms with everything. There is no hope- the doctor said it themselves- I need help to get my head round things in other words there's nothing to fix things just deal with it.

    I feel like all my life I will always have an element of regret/sadness lingering/deep down. I guess it has its positives - i'll appreciate things more but I'll just always be thinking what if. It is rather sad and tragic.
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    Cant believe your doctor said there's no hope. That's absurd, no wonder you feel terrible. If theres anything I can do Malsy. But that said I could either be great for you to talk to or terrible.... I am feeling the lowest I ever have done in my life. I feel so regretful right now. I want to go to uni now WHY NOW of all times when its too late. Im so angry inside with myself. I even had a place I got in august 2008 for september 2009 and I cancelled it because I didnt wanna go, now I do wanna go and its too damn late. I feel hopeless and ridiculous. An utter joke. *huff*, my mum cant stress enough how badly she wants me to go but in 'the right way' of going in September 2010 not February... What can i do ? Should I have another set of Crisis talks with the GP, Mother and Father, friends for advice, etc etc. I have my ups and downs and I still have a lot of motivation but I just feel completely helpless..... Malsy if you wanna talk with me I think we could help each other because from what ive read there is plenty of hope for you! I just hope somebody who's opinion I can take heart from sees plenty of hope for me also!
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    It's just hard to come to terms with everything. There is no hope- the doctor said it themselves- I need help to get my head round things in other words there's nothing to fix things just deal with it.

    I feel like all my life I will always have an element of regret/sadness lingering/deep down. I guess it has its positives - i'll appreciate things more but I'll just always be thinking what if. It is rather sad and tragic.
    what exactly did the doctors say?
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    what exactly did the doctors say?
    Exactly that - that all I need is some counselling to come to terms with things, and so I vehemently(in a shocked way- could hardly ask it) asked in a polite way - is that all you think I need then and she agreed with a soft ''yeahh''. I was not happy. I had explained fully everything - the thoughts/ the cries/ the depression/ the loneliness/ the hysterics/ the struggle perfectly clear and she thinks that's all i need?

    I'm sorry - I'm unsure if i have a right to be angry but when you tell someone you haven't been out except for places you have to go to - you don't visit family or anything for years - they don't think anything's wrong with that and all you need is a bit of counselling to come to term with things? I was angry. but i guess i am coping. it's just sad i don't think i'll ever truly get help all my life as i'll keep going to the doctors and they'll see nothing wrong except the need for a bit of counselling. honestly. my situation is dire- as i said ive not been anywhere for crying out loud!!!

    anyway do you mind if you don't quote this as i'd like to delete this horrid rant.(but please, do, reply if like)


    i honestly dont know what to think and i honestly feel like all my life they wont take me seriously? what do i have to do for them to take me seriously? do i have to tell them ive been harming myself? i dont think they are taking me seriously as they dont see any problems as i told them im not harming - which is true, i'm not- but what about the times when i think and feel i wanna die/ cant live like this anymore?



    why cant anyone just help me/at least diagnose me or something? thats all im asking for. do i have to tell them myself i have ocd symptoms (severe) and deep depression no cos i dont feel like i have a right because theyre the doc.
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    Oh and another point- she told me to contact a counselling place myself. MYSELF?! DO YOU NOT REALISE I CANNOT GET HELP FOR MYSELF HENCE WHY I'VE COME TO YOU


    I was honestly very pissed :sad:
 
 
 
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