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    Ahh today was hard. Been doing so well at trying to stay positive so far this week but I cracked today. Just feel like I'm wasting my life doing a degree I HATE and do see my self getting anywhere in the future with. I feel so trapped, I know all I have to do is drop out but I like my friends, flat mates, halls...I just don't like my course and don't want to have to change everything again. I don't want to disappoint my parents and family...everyone was so impressed that I was doing Pharmacy...but its not for me...grrr society...
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    fml just fml
    ive spent two ******* hours in a ****** building only to be told the thing i needed to do i cant wtf
    why do i have to get all the stressssss
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    now i cant get onto a website i need to get onto
    i honest to god feel like the world is against me
    WTF:[email protected]@:@
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    fml just fml
    ive spent two ******* hours in a ****** building only to be told the thing i needed to do i cant wtf
    why do i have to get all the stressssss
    :hugs: what is it you need to do?
    To everyone: obsticles are never overcome without perseverance and hard work, we can't expect to just get better without remaining positive and focused. I think thats something we all need to bear in mind when the going gets tough. Whenever the feelings and voices return think of something which motivates you, makes you feel good about life, no matter how small it may be, even if its just your favourite colour, book or time of day:yes:


    Had my 4th session of counselling today, feel like I take 5 steps foward only to take 2 back sometimes. I'm feeling better about getting things off my chest, there is a lot that is still unsaid but hey...trying to remain positive about it all, its the only way I can get through this.
    This mood swing stuff is getting on my nerves though, one minute I'm so high and then the next this overwhelming feeling of fear, sadness, helplessness, feeling trapped and the confusion returns and I don't even know why. I'm scared of going back home at Christmas, I don't know why but I am...doesn't make sense, its not like I have anything to fear but I just get scared thinking about it. Irony is I was scared of leaving home before I came to Uni .
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    I just got back to uni after going to drs today and they're already ordering me about. I don't want to do it but I just want them to shut up. :cry: I'm so so so close right now to ripping my arms open.
    BIG hugs :hugs: do the people at Uni understand your situation?
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    (Original post by RachelOranges)
    BIG hugs :hugs: do the people at Uni understand your situation?
    A bit. My housemates don't know so "I fell on glass" but my uni have given me like a note taker and exams in a different room which is good. I have a week off now and 3 essays to do which I'm ******** over.

    Thanks for the big hugs :o:

    At least you're taking steps forward, even if 2 are back that leaves 3 forward which is great so keep the positive in mind. It's good you're getting counselling and help. I dunno what to say about these highs you mentioned, have you told a doctor?
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    I'm feeling really bad today, I'm in so much pain - arm and sore throat so I've just been eating honey lying in bed all day and not reading. I keep getting urges to kill myself. Like I don't see the point tbh anymore. I know I'll never be allowed to do what I want to do in life. I used to want kids but I don't want them to turn out like me so what does that leave me? No home life, no work life, no life at all really.

    Sorry for complaining.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    I'm feeling really bad today, I'm in so much pain - arm and sore throat so I've just been eating honey lying in bed all day and not reading. I keep getting urges to kill myself. Like I don't see the point tbh anymore. I know I'll never be allowed to do what I want to do in life. I used to want kids but I don't want them to turn out like me so what does that leave me? No home life, no work life, no life at all really.

    Sorry for complaining.
    You don't have to apologise. I'm sorry things are bad at the moment. Just remember how far you've come. :hugs:
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    Just feel so unhappy. I just want my friends back. :cry:
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    hey guys

    if anyone needs to vent I'm a giant ear tonight. how are you all?
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    I'm feeling really bad today, I'm in so much pain - arm and sore throat so I've just been eating honey lying in bed all day and not reading. I keep getting urges to kill myself. Like I don't see the point tbh anymore. I know I'll never be allowed to do what I want to do in life. I used to want kids but I don't want them to turn out like me so what does that leave me? No home life, no work life, no life at all really.

    Sorry for complaining.
    At least the people at your Uni know about it which is good I guess, as for your housemates, maybe it isn't something you are readily willing to share which is completely understandable. I've only told one of my flatmates and another friend on my course about my anxiety.
    Had a minor attack today thinking about going home...I don't know why but I am so scared of going back home, I should be looking forward to it but I'm petrified. :confused: What's wrong with me :eek3: ?

    What makes you think you won't be able to do the things you want? What is stopping you?
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    hey guys

    if anyone needs to vent I'm a giant ear tonight. how are you all?
    Hi giant ear lol, ahh up and down up and down like a merry-go-round, or yoyo as they say. Had another little panic today about going home for Christmas, I don't know why but I'm so scared...sooo scared about going home. I'm not sure what it is but I just feel horrible about it, maybe because the last time I went home I lost control and had the biggest panic attack I'd ever experienced. I just wanted to die. Home is meant to be where you feel most comfy but right now here at Uni is where I feel comfy even though I miss my family. I feel like all my work is piling up because I'm not motivated to do it. Its hard to explain myself, about how I feel. Im sort of making sense of things in counselling but its talking to my parents about it which is difficult, I want to let them know I don't blame them for how I am but I just want more support. I feel so trapped and alone a lot of the time. Trying to keep positive and sometimes it works but then the voice returns...gosh I hate that voice, I'd strangle it if it were material. I just want to be my old self. Sure I had worries and fears but it didn't effect me physically, maybe skipping of a heart beat or the odd butterflies but not fully blow panic attacks like I have now. grrrr I want out! I want to get better, I want to enjoy life again, this is too much to be dealing with while I'm doing a degree, I don't want to throw this chance away just because I cant get my head together. Oh God please fix me
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    (Original post by RachelOranges)
    Hi giant ear lol, ahh up and down up and down like a merry-go-round, or yoyo as they say. Had another little panic today about going home for Christmas, I don't know why but I'm so scared...sooo scared about going home. I'm not sure what it is but I just feel horrible about it, maybe because the last time I went home I lost control and had the biggest panic attack I'd ever experienced. I just wanted to die.
    I don't know if it's possible but try and think about exactly what you're thinking of when you're thinking about going home. (the journey, being away from uni, the food, a certain member of the family, etc)
    do you know why you haf the panic attack last time?

    Home is meant to be where you feel most comfy but right now here at Uni is where I feel comfy even though I miss my family.
    home is wherever you feel at home. Not everyone is happy in their family household. god knows if I was still living with my mum I'd probably have a panic attack about going home every day!

    I feel like all my work is piling up because I'm not motivated to do it.
    I used to have the exact same problem. I found making a timetable and setting alarms was the only thing that made me do it. i still lacked the motivation but it was something telling me "do this right now" and taking the whole process of deciding to do something away that I found helpful.

    Its hard to explain myself, about how I feel. Im sort of making sense of things in counselling but its talking to my parents about it which is difficult, I want to let them know I don't blame them for how I am but I just want more support.
    how long have you been in counselling? what have you said to your parents so far?

    I feel so trapped and alone a lot of the time. Trying to keep positive and sometimes it works but then the voice returns...gosh I hate that voice, I'd strangle it if it were material. I just want to be my old self. Sure I had worries and fears but it didn't effect me physically, maybe skipping of a heart beat or the odd butterflies but not fully blow panic attacks like I have now. grrrr I want out! I want to get better, I want to enjoy life again, this is too much to be dealing with while I'm doing a degree, I don't want to throw this chance away just because I cant get my head together. Oh God please fix me
    I know this is something that people always say and never really helps but by saying you want help, going through counselling and even seeking support on this forum means you're on the right track. You're opening yourself up so that you can help yourself and not everyone is able to do that, so try to think about how well you've done so far and look forwards with that attitude.
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    Would have to write a whole book to explain my problems tbfh :nothing:
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    So close to doing it again. :cry:
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    I don't know if it's possible but try and think about exactly what you're thinking of when you're thinking about going home. (the journey, being away from uni, the food, a certain member of the family, etc)
    do you know why you haf the panic attack last time?
    home is wherever you feel at home. Not everyone is happy in their family household. god knows if I was still living with my mum I'd probably have a panic attack about going home every day!
    I used to have the exact same problem. I found making a timetable and setting alarms was the only thing that made me do it. i still lacked the motivation but it was something telling me "do this right now" and taking the whole process of deciding to do something away that I found helpful.
    how long have you been in counselling? what have you said to your parents so far?
    I know this is something that people always say and never really helps but by saying you want help, going through counselling and even seeking support on this forum means you're on the right track. You're opening yourself up so that you can help yourself and not everyone is able to do that, so try to think about how well you've done so far and look forwards with that attitude.
    THanks so much for reading my post yesterday, much appreciated, as if I don't bore enough people with my endless moaning and confusing fears. :o: I can't reall pin point the exact reason why I'm scared of going home...I think some of the reasons are because I'm so used to being on my own here, being free to a certain extent to do what I want, I've been very controlled by my parents and I guess its the whole idea of once the bird is set free it doens't really want to go back into the cage. Last time I went home I felt so smothered, my house suddenly felt very small, like the walls were closing in on me. Everyone was fussing and I didn't really get to enjoy my self at home it was just a big rush to buy more food for me. I couldn't eat or even sleep in my own bed...it was strange, I felt so out of place, like I didn't belong any more. Id never had such a sever panic attack either so I guess that I associated home with havng panic attacks...
    I think also a lot of stuff from my past, growing up and things...it was tough at times, I didn't feel like I could be myself at home a lot of the time, I've spoken to my consellor about it, don't really want to go into too much detail here but I think the past has sort of caught up with me now. I shoved it under the carpet and now it has re-surfaced hense the feelings of being trapped and not in control, I've never really been in control of my life to be honest and only now am I taking a bit of that control and I feel like I'm going to loose it again when I go back home. I love my family but there are things we haven't spoken about which I would like to speak about and get closure on, but my dad isn't the sort to have emotional discussions, we don't work like that, him and I....

    I think in terms of study a timetable would be good for me. You see I find it hard to balance things. At A level I did too much studying and noe socialising, thats when the horrid feelings started to begin and now I'm doing too much relaxing and not enough work, I need to balance it out.

    Yeah like everyone else I'm determined to get better. It freaks me out being inside my head. I've always had a low opinion of myself and been nervous a lot of the time but NEVER to this extent. These feelings are new for me which is why I'm freaking out about it, and they couldn't have come at a worse time when I have exams around the corner and I can't seem to contact my tutor.

    I've been seeing my cousellor four about 4 weeks now, I have had 4 sessions and we seem to cover a lot of things, I never would have made connections with my past to how I'm feeling but I feel that since talking to my counsellor it has EVERYTHING to do with how I'm feeling. I think its a matter of putting a full stop to all the stuff that happened by talking about it, which my family are crap at doing, and moving forward.

    I'm going to take a big leap and go home next weekend, do you think thats a good idea? Just one step at a time to get me used to being back there again. I feel so guilty because I'm so edgy with my family when I see them yet I do miss and love them but I just can't be around them...if that makes sense....?
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    So close to doing it again. :cry:
    No. You are SO much stronger than this. :hugs: you can and you will beat it. So many other people have, whats to say that you will be any different? What's up?
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    (Original post by RachelOranges)
    I'm going to take a big leap and go home next weekend, do you think thats a good idea? Just one step at a time to get me used to being back there again. I feel so guilty because I'm so edgy with my family when I see them yet I do miss and love them but I just can't be around them...if that makes sense....?
    Having read what you wrote I think it's probably a good idea. At christmas I imagine you have about 3 or 4 weeks off so if you go home for that long it might seem pretty daunting but if you go home for a couple of days one weekend you can test the water and hopefully you won't feel as bad as you know it's not for very long? Depends how far away you are but you might only stay one night next weekend - go on saturday morning come back sunday night, get your washing done (:p:) and then you'll be back. Hopefully then you won't feel as bad, maybe even take a book with you so if you start feeling overwhelmed or anything you can just sit somewhere and lose youself? I dunno just a suggestion

    (Original post by RachelOranges)
    No. You are SO much stronger than this. :hugs: you can and you will beat it. So many other people have, whats to say that you will be any different? What's up?
    I haven't done anything yet, called my CPN and I have the crisis team number for if I'm feeling bad over the weekend but tbh I can't even tell you what's up because I don't know.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Having read what you wrote I think it's probably a good idea. At christmas I imagine you have about 3 or 4 weeks off so if you go home for that long it might seem pretty daunting but if you go home for a couple of days one weekend you can test the water and hopefully you won't feel as bad as you know it's not for very long? Depends how far away you are but you might only stay one night next weekend - go on saturday morning come back sunday night, get your washing done (:p:) and then you'll be back. Hopefully then you won't feel as bad, maybe even take a book with you so if you start feeling overwhelmed or anything you can just sit somewhere and lose youself? I dunno just a suggestion




    I haven't done anything yet, called my CPN and I have the crisis team number for if I'm feeling bad over the weekend but tbh I can't even tell you what's up because I don't know.
    Yeah I only live 1hour and a half way, its quite easy to get home. People keep asking my why I haven't been home as much, I just don't miss it, its isn't home to me any more, well my house anyway and its sad because I was in tears when I was leaving that place. I'm going home on the Friday night and then coming back on the Sunday morning next week so it should be enough time to see how I feel and adjust. Thanks for the advice, and yeah it will be good to get the washing done, I'm planning to take all my self help books with me too ( I didn't have them with me last time ) I hope it goes ok. I don't want to push my family away. Even when my mum came down to visit I was edgy, in my own room...odd...silly brain.

    Its good that you have the number, whenever you feel you are about to do something promise that you will call them, they will help you. I know, its frustrating when you feel crap and you don't know why. THats what I hate the most about this whole thing. If I had a reason to feel sad, anxious, like giving up then I wouldn't be frustrated but my life is pretty much perfect compared to what other people have...why can't I just be content with that and not be such a wreck?

    Have you tried doing something to take your mind off of things...I used to be the most messy person back at home but since coming here cleaning has really helped me calm down. Not to the OCD extent but it just takes your mind off of things. Even if it is, like you said, just reading a book or watching a DVD.
 
 
 
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