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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted for a while. Hope you're all ok.

    I went to see the student support person at my college and she wans lovely and told me to go and see the study skills person who will help me manage my workload and stuff so I'm feeling a little more postive.

    Saw my psych today and I don't understand.... I told him I didn't want to talk about eating and we somehow ended up talking about it anyway. He basically said I have an anorexic BMI and show the cognitive signs of an ED and he said he wants to refer me to an ED specialist. I panicked and told him I was fine and that I'd put on weight and I didn't need to see anyone and I didn't even need to see him anymore because I feel a million times happier and not depressed and I'm wasting his time. He told me that we'd continue the conversation because he really thinks it would be good if I went but if I really didn't want to do the whole outpatient thing there, I'd have to decide a minimum calorie intake and not go any lower than that and tell my mum what it is so she doesn't nag me but the trouble with that is, I feel beyond horrible if I go any higher than 300 and there is almost nothing I can eat apart from chocolate (oddly enough) that doesn't make the voice scream at me. I can't eat 1000 calories a day. I can't. I've tried but then I end up restricting more and I can't really go any lower that what I'm having at the moment.
    I don't really understand why everyone's making this out to be a big deal. I've never been much of an eater and I've always been slim. I don't look any skinner now than I did a few months ago and I feel better than I did a few months ago so this is a good thing. I don't want to have to go somewhere I don't belong. I begged my psych not to diagnose me with anything (I know... that's his job! But I don't want to hear whatever label he wants to give me) and if I go there he's probably going to have to diagnose me with something and I don't want to be diagnosed.
    Argh, sorry for the rant. I just really don't understand. I don't have an ED. Everyone seems to think I'm in denial but I'm not. I actually don't. The whole ED thing just isn't me. :mad: :rant:

    I'm starting to wish I'd applied for uni this year. I want to get away from everyone and I cba with my gap year plans anymore. *sigh*

    On a postive note, I'm going to send in my form for a Saturday Drama class thingy. Maybe that will help me channel my nervous energy lol

    *shuts up*
    Sorry, I talk too much I know. Don't mean to be so self absorbed. Are you guys all doing ok?? xx :hugs:

    :hugs: whatever happens dd we'll be here!
    i'm also taking a gap year but have no solid plans.
    i think that's a really positive note- i can't do anything i'd enjoy as i'm just too reluctant to join society :sad: :sad: :sad:
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    Thanks Malsy and death.drop. :hugs:
    Deathdrop, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. It sounds so awful.I don't really know what to say, just know I'm thinking of you. :hugs: :hugs:

    I spoke to my sister today and it makes me so sad to think about what I'm doing to her by not eating much. I don't want to make anyone worry about me. I guess I do have to take the first step and at least accept the help but I really don't want to admit I need it because I feel fine. But I guess it's like my doctor says, first you feel fine and then suddenly you're not fine and by that time it's too late. It makes me a horrible person if I sit and let everyone else watch me waste away. But then, am I not meant to do this for me? Everyone says I have to do it for me and it's my decision but it isn't really. I refuse to let the voice in my head control me, control what I eat but it does. When I feel bad after a meal it's there saying 'Told you'. When I tell it to **** off itjust comes back and screams at me louder. And the thing is, it's always right. Whenever I defy it and go **** you, I'll eat what I want, I want to cry afterwards because I feel so awful and the voice knew it would happen. So then I wind up avoiding that food because of how it made me feel the last time. And I HATE chocolate now and it used to be my favourite... thing? Food? Snack? I dunno. Just because it makes me feel weird-empty afterwards (as opposed to good empty). But I still eat it because everything else feels too much like *food*. I'm aware that makes no sense, I don't know what the hell is wrong with my brain.
    Sorry. This is ****** up. I'm sorry. I'm not stupid. So why am I acting so stupid? I need to just eat! I don't know why I can't.

    I've tried telling myself out loud that I deserve food and it's ok if I eat and nothing bad is going to happen but it doesn't work. In order to stop everyone else from worrying I have to eat. I still don't understand though bcause it's not like I ate much before and it wasn't an *issue* then so I don't really get what has changed?

    I feel awful. My sister called me and told me she wants me to go for hypnotherapy but the Dr is on Harley Street :eek: (!) and it's like £85 per session and I feel horrible and I don't want her to pay for it because it's way too much money and I've told her I'll pay for it but apparently it might take about 5 sessions and that's a digusting amount of money and I feel like a horrible burden on everyone and I don't even know why they're bothering with me. She says my health is worth it but is it? Really? I wish I'd never been born. I just feel like a horrible worthless person.

    So sorry for this stupid pointless rant (again). Can't seem to stop when I start typing...
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    :hugs: whatever happens dd we'll be here!
    i'm also taking a gap year but have no solid plans.
    i think that's a really positive note- i can't do anything i'd enjoy as i'm just too reluctant to join society :sad: :sad: :sad:
    :hugs:
    Planning your gap year migt be a good distraction from other issues. And I'm sure you'll find something when you're ready. It's taken me *years* (about 10 to be exact!) to drum up the courage to do this drama thing, I'm still worried I won't be good enough and that everyone will be better than me and they'll laugh at me but I want to do it so I will. You'll find your *thing*, I'm sure of it.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs:
    Planning your gap year migt be a good distraction from other issues. And I'm sure you'll find something when you're ready. It's taken me *years* (about 10 to be exact!) to drum up the courage to do this drama thing, I'm still worried I won't be good enough and that everyone will be better than me and they'll laugh at me but I want to do it so I will. You'll find your *thing*, I'm sure of it.

    hugs:hugs:

    anyway guys i am getting a weeks' ban as i am behind and i am self-teaching and i'm yet to learn the content of my syllabus = not good, at all

    care about you all lotsies :yep:
    :hugs:
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    urghhhhhh i hate having these sick sick sick images in my head
    i just don't know what to do:sad:
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Thanks Malsy and death.drop. :hugs:
    Deathdrop, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. It sounds so awful.I don't really know what to say, just know I'm thinking of you. :hugs: :hugs:

    I spoke to my sister today and it makes me so sad to think about what I'm doing to her by not eating much. I don't want to make anyone worry about me. I guess I do have to take the first step and at least accept the help but I really don't want to admit I need it because I feel fine. But I guess it's like my doctor says, first you feel fine and then suddenly you're not fine and by that time it's too late. It makes me a horrible person if I sit and let everyone else watch me waste away. But then, am I not meant to do this for me? Everyone says I have to do it for me and it's my decision but it isn't really. I refuse to let the voice in my head control me, control what I eat but it does. When I feel bad after a meal it's there saying 'Told you'. When I tell it to **** off itjust comes back and screams at me louder. And the thing is, it's always right. Whenever I defy it and go **** you, I'll eat what I want, I want to cry afterwards because I feel so awful and the voice knew it would happen. So then I wind up avoiding that food because of how it made me feel the last time. And I HATE chocolate now and it used to be my favourite... thing? Food? Snack? I dunno. Just because it makes me feel weird-empty afterwards (as opposed to good empty). But I still eat it because everything else feels too much like *food*. I'm aware that makes no sense, I don't know what the hell is wrong with my brain.
    Sorry. This is ****** up. I'm sorry. I'm not stupid. So why am I acting so stupid? I need to just eat! I don't know why I can't.

    I've tried telling myself out loud that I deserve food and it's ok if I eat and nothing bad is going to happen but it doesn't work. In order to stop everyone else from worrying I have to eat. I still don't understand though bcause it's not like I ate much before and it wasn't an *issue* then so I don't really get what has changed?

    I feel awful. My sister called me and told me she wants me to go for hypnotherapy but the Dr is on Harley Street :eek: (!) and it's like £85 per session and I feel horrible and I don't want her to pay for it because it's way too much money and I've told her I'll pay for it but apparently it might take about 5 sessions and that's a digusting amount of money and I feel like a horrible burden on everyone and I don't even know why they're bothering with me. She says my health is worth it but is it? Really? I wish I'd never been born. I just feel like a horrible worthless person.

    So sorry for this stupid pointless rant (again). Can't seem to stop when I start typing...
    Not at all a stupid rant Diamondduust, I completely understand where you are coming from, having a problem with food myself. I've never been diagonosed with an ED but my relationship with food isn't what it needs to be and I know that and I've accepted that. If I'm not binge eating ( which I'm doing at the moment) I'm starving my self either to punish my self or because ( recently) I physically CAN'T eat. I know it sounds strange to a lot of people, my mum couldn't understand why I couldn't eat when I first moved away from home but its all linked with my anxiety and my relationship with food in the past hasn't been great either. I've only ever been underweight once, when I was younger, about aged 13 now, I'm what you would call a healthy weight but I still don't have a healthy approach to food...its strange...

    I'm glad that you are beginning to accept that you have a problem diamond, its hard to accept the truth when its starring right at us, you may feel fine but you obviously aren't if people are worried about you. Like you said don't let the voices defeat you, I know what its like...you eat something and think nothing of it until you've finished and realise what you have eaten then the voices begin, I look in the mirror and even though I probably haven't put on weight it seems to me that every bite means an extra 5lbs I've gained. But at the moment I'm trying to block it out and right now I'm at the binging stage.....

    Have you spoken to someone about your eating, someone professional? Its brilliant that your sister wants to help, its a lot more support than I had, I think when I was 13 part of it was for attention but my parents didn't really do anything about it. They noticed that I was eating less but just didn't really think anything of it. The fact that your sister wants to help shows that you are NOT alone and that there is support which is a great thing to have especially in time of need. You can come through the other side and I promise you will you've just got to have a positive attitude and think that you will get better ( as hard as it is).

    Good luck with the Drama classes, I went to them for years and its a great way to do what you enjoy, and its a chance to not be you but be someone else. I'm sure you'll be fine, everyone starts somewhere don't they?

    I've got my 5th Counselling session tomorrow, my counsellor got me to write a letter to my dad, its funny how I can never quite get the words out, I feel like I'm pinning all the blame on him for the way I am but its not all his fault. I just didn't have the 'balls' to deal what the cards lift delt me. Apart from having low energy and motivation today was ok I guess. Things seem good right now...well until I remember that I have a pile of work to get through...:eek3:

    OH and Malsy if a gap year is good for you and what you want to do then go for it
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    i cannot honestly deal with this anymore
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    i cannot honestly deal with this anymore
    :hugs: want to talk?
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    I need help :cry:
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    (Original post by Nothos)
    I need help :cry:
    :hugs: what's up?
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    New meds. I'm doubtful they're real but my psychiatrist told me to just trust her though I'm finding that difficult to do.
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    Must take my meds. Must take my meds. Must ride out this wave.
    It'll all get better soon. I hate the depersonalisation the worst. And I hate being alone, and the people you really, really want to confide in are the ones you're so incredibly terrified about confiding in.
    '...I want you to know who you am, but then I'm scared you'll hate me as much as I hate myself...'
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    On Friday I will have been here three weeks. A couple of days ago I said this is the happiest I have been in years. It was, and possibly still is. But why, then, do I feel depressed? It's as though saying it changed something... or it could just be a coincidental mood drop. Whatever it is, it is making me miserable. The kind of misery that makes you stare at a wall and switch off from everyone around you, without intending to; the kind of misery that makes you feel detached and completely alone, even when surrounded by people. I know, I sound like such a cliché, but it's how I feel right now. Tomorrow may be better. The weekend may be better. But right now, I feel as though I am slipping into a black pit of loneliness. It sounds so silly, but it's how I feel. I have been ill, too, so I've found it doubly hard to work.

    Things will get better. I am surrounded by people who apparently like me, and I think I have kept my cards close enough to my chest. They know bits about me, but not enough to cause them to dislike me or back away from me. Because people do back away from those they don't understand, or can't relate to. Sorry, I'm rambling. I just don't feel well tonight.
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    (Original post by Antimatter)
    Must take my meds. Must take my meds. Must ride out this wave.
    It'll all get better soon. I hate the depersonalisation the worst. And I hate being alone, and the people you really, really want to confide in are the ones you're so incredibly terrified about confiding in.
    '...I want you to know who you am, but then I'm scared you'll hate me as much as I hate myself...'
    Yes.
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    (Original post by Laus)
    Yes.
    I'm so incredibly glad it's not just me :five:
    What to do though?
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    I feel very pessimistic about things at the moment. I'm hopeful things won't become as bad as they were a few weeks ago, but I'm starting to realise that this is an illness for life, and I'm never going to be truly "well" again. :cry:

    My course seems pointless. It proves absolutely nothing that my undergraduate degree didn't already show.

    I applied for a job the other day, which meant I had to find some positive way of explaining away the threats of police action that still hang over me because of some immature ***** who pretended they were my friends. :cry:
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    (Original post by Antimatter)
    I'm so incredibly glad it's not just me :five:
    What to do though?
    I have no idea.
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    :cry:
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