I need some help regarding my brother

Hi. I've been having some problems with my brother that have been going on for some time. He's 23 next month and he still doesn't have a job. He left school when he was 16 with ok GCSE's, 4 C's or something and since then he's been here at my mum's house on the dole and not bothering to get a job. He's been smoking cannabis increasingly over the years, it used to be occaisionally but now he's smoking it 2/3 times a day. He doesn't give any of his dole money to my mum for rent or electricity or for the food, he just spends it on PC games and army gear. About the Army gear, he has this huge obsession with the army, he applied to go in 2 years ago but was knocked back because he used used to have epilepsy as small child. But he buys clothing, fake guns, binoculars and spends time in his room making lasersights by taping laser pens to these guns.

Not only is he sponging and doing nothing to contribute, but he's becoming increasingly hostile. My mother can never clean his room now because he starts screaming and punching th walls because things like lighters in his room apparently go missing. He always has the blinds closed and the place stinks because our dog keeps weeing in his room for some bizarre reason. He's never hit anyone in our family so far, but he was on the PC in the living room at 6am and the wireless internet must have skipped and it kept going on and off. The router was in my room and he was convinced that I was getting up and turning the router on and off to annoy him. He bust into my room, starting tearing up all my books, my textbooks, he started ripping pages out of my school files and snapped the screen off my laptop. My mother tried to pull him out of the room so he pushed her, punched a hole in her bedroom door, went downstairs, trashed the living room and left the house. We're a pretty skint family but my mother has spent a lot of the money she gets on making the house look really nice, the wallpapers on the walls was all damaged, her coffee table was smashed and it was increadibly infuriating to think that he had broken the stuff she took so much pride in. He came back later, no apologies, went back into his room and got on with it. I've had a few arguments with him where we've been at each others throats, mainly after he is arguing with my mother because the way he speaks to her is absolutely digusting. He is so rotten, it gets me intensely angry. I've said some very harsh thing to him such as I hope somebody slits his throat and he should have been strangled at birth.

He never was like this, when I was younger my dad was around but his wasn't (he was from my mother's previous marriage) and naturally he used to treat me more than him. He's very bitter about that and brings it up in arguments all the time. My dad died 4 years ago due to a really bad lung infection, he likes to bring that up to because it makes me upset and shuts me up.

My mother doesn't face up to it, she likes to ignore it and keep the peace. Whenever he makes demands or takes the piss such as having the hot shower on for an hour before he gets in it, shorting out our gas meter or filling the kettle with 2 litres of water for a cup of tea, she accepts it. My stepdad stays well out of it as he doesn't want to make enemies. I've started to really have a go at my mother for spineless.

I'm getting exhausted with it, I hate coming home after school or after I've been out with my friends. I cannot make any noise after 9pm cos he goes to bed really early to get up early in the morning (god knows why?!)

I know this is a monumntally huge post! But this is the first time I've sought help for this. My friends don't know anything about this as I don't really like inviting them to mine, if they turn up I try to get out as fast as I can. It's so irritating because I'm realy proud of how much my mother has put into making the house look good and it does, I'd love to have parties in my house and invite everybody around but it just isn't possible. I dunno if I should actually see somebody about ths because I'm having daydreams of beating the crap out of him with a trucheon and throwing him down the stairs and stuff.

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Reply 1

mikeybey

If you're old enough, kick the **** out of him. A good kicking sorts people like this out. He just thinks he can do what he wants because no one is threatening enough. If you give him a good kicking he'll think twice before acting up next time.

Make sure to do this when he does something bad though, or he'll feel bullied.

Reply 2

sigstuff

This is a case for Jeremy Kyle. He's getting worse because he's been allowed to get away with it so unless your mum or a 'strong' male relative puts their foot down it's not gonna get any better.

Reply 3

AnthonyShock

sigstuff

This is a case for Jeremy Kyle. He's getting worse because he's been allowed to get away with it so unless your mum or a 'strong' male relative puts their foot down it's not gonna get any better.

I don't see anyone putting their foot down. I try to but fo course he's not gonna liten to me cos I'm only 17. I don't know how people can just ignore this. I dunno if it's just the way I am but i just cannot let people get away with things. This sounds rlly selfish, but I'm gonna be so relieved when/if i go to Uni next year!

Reply 4

mikeybey

Failed anon :wink:

As I said mate, kick his head in. He'll hate you, but he'll be scared ******** too.

Reply 5

Spanghew

AnthonyShock

You forgot to hit the anonymous button.

All I can say, is that your brother needs to get a job and not let your poor mum look after him anymore. Will she really not kick him out of the house? Not even if it's the best thing for him?

Reply 6

Noémie

you know what, i actually agree with the confronting him... perhaps not so far as "kciking the **** out of him" but i kind of agree with the he needs a strong male influence or something to scare the living daylights out of him. does he ever go out? if he does, you should go in his room and take all the bongs and lighters and computer stuff and army gear out, then when he comes back lock him in.

...alternatively you could ring the police and explain his violence and drug taking, which you're fully in your rights to do, i mean a prison stretch would sort him out but that's a very... well you'd be shopping your brother and you need to consider how much that would be constructive versus vindictive. and whether that balance between the two, even if it's more vindictive than constructive, is the right thing to do.

also, seriously - talk to your mum and step dad about it - show them a print out of what you wrote here.

Reply 7

sigstuff

AnthonyShock

No it's not selfish at all I think anyone in your position would be glad to get away. Why don't your parents just kick him out, that way reality will hit him and he might try to sort himself out. I'm not trying to critisize your parents but I think they are part of the problem and probably won't do anything until someone gets hurt and your brother eventually becomes violent towards you or one of them.

Reply 8

AnthonyShock

Noémie

I dunno about the reporting him to the police thing, my mother would probably never speak to me again.

He does go out, his mates are decent though, they have steady jobs and some have their own families and a girlfriend. He's never had a girlfriend and doesn't really express an interest. As for the whole taking his things when he goes out, I've tried that before but he would go absolutely off it, like breaking things, breaking my things and I've saved up money and bought these things that he knows are important to me and cost me money such as books, textbooks and that. I know if I'd done that he'd go straight for those things, and nobody would try to stop him (apart from me of course, I'd go ape on him) I just cannot risk it. I've done things on the sly though to get at him such as scratching his PC games and oputting the dogs **** from the garden into his room to make it look like she pooed there. But that backfired, he just got my mother to go in and pick it up for him.

Reply 9

Kane_Fizz

Noémie

... well you'd be shopping your brother

I haven't heard the word shopping for a long time (in that context).

Yeah shop him, or report him for benefit fraud for spending the money on drugs.

Reply 10

AnthonyShock

sigstuff

I forgot to mention that lol He has only beed "kicked out" twice, and he has been brought back within 6 hours. My mother just cannot kick him out, she thinks he has nowhere to go, my sister has her own house around the corner and has her own family and life and that, and they won't take him because they know what he's like.

If I chat to my mother about it privately she just reponds "what what do you want me to do? kick him out?! could you kick him out onto the street where he'll have no money and no food and nowhere to go?"

Personall, I'd love to!

Reply 11

Kane_Fizz

I haven't heard the word shopping for a long time (in that context).

Yeah shop him, or report him for benefit fraud for spending the money on drugs.

I'm a div i've just realised I suggested the same thing twice

Reply 12

laeof

Your mum needs to set boundries and be firm with him.
I mean why should he go out and get a job etc? He gets everything free now, there is no incentive!

She should tell him find a job in 3 months and start paying rent or get out. And stick with it. If he cant find anywhere to live a few cold nights on the streets will make him appreciate home a lot more :wink:

Reply 13

ofmontreal_Lottie

reading your profile - I can't believe how fantastic you've turned out despite some difficulties in your life, you really do seem on the up in life!
I'd be proud to have your GCSE's! and can't imagine at all you won't get to uni, it's really obvious to me that your brother is jealous, you're clearly exceeding in what you put your mind to despite what's occured in life. Your brother needs a huge reality check, he must feel like the world is against him, he failed to get into the army- something he's VERY clearly passionate about.
Smoking canabis won't help in this matter either the paronia that comes with drug usage must be immense for him, hence why he jumped at you about the internet router.

Perhaps he has friends? perhaps there's somebody he talks to that you would be able to mention how concerned you are for him.. someone not your mom nto your stepdad.

Reply 14

Puma

If he threatens you or you fear for your or someone else's safety, call the Police.
Domestic issues are very serious and those with unusual family situations like yourself find it really hard.

Try to distance yourself from him if you feel the need to.

His obsession with the Army is really odd to say the least. That could be where is early starts stems from.
Does he have friends?

I would suggest you have a long heart to heart with your Mother and explain in detail how you feel. Tell her your not happy with him and your not happy with the way she kind of "puts up with him". Also, speak with your step-dad, if your brother goes around punching walls and smashing the house up he needs to be told in no uncertain words that it is wrong and if he does it again he is out.

You say he mentions your fathers death when you argue, that is seriously out of order and bullying of the highest order.
Try not to speak to him, distance yourself and if you can make things around the house so that your out of his way (e.g. move the router).

I would also suggest you get your mother to speak with your brother about the way he acts and that he may need to see someone about it. It sounds like he has some serious issues. I won't go into detail about what I think the issues are but they're family and job related.

So yeah being open and talking to your Mother is the best option. And remember if you ever feel threatened call 999.

Reply 15

Rayel

I think you might want to deal with him before going to Uni or you'll end up leaving him alone in the house with your mum and step-dad. Best thing to do would be to kick him out if he doesn't get himself a job and starts contributing.

Reply 16

~emy~

I think kicking his butt or whatever would make the situation a hell of a lot worse then it is already. I think that even though he is nearly 23 years old and should know better, it isn't completely his fault. No matter what age he's at obviously he's unhappy with life. He's probably extremely depressed about life and perhaps the anger he felt from when he was younger still is within him. Also, getting rejected fromdoing something that he's so passionate about couldn't have helped matters. However, he can still do something related to the army, something he'll enjoy.
He probably feels so alone and most likely hates what he's doing to you and your mum but feels helpless against it. Obviously there are anger issues and he needs some help with them, but if nobody can help him out this will just continue and get worse.
Instead of arguing with him and calling your mum spineless etc you all need to sit together and work things out. Be patient, don't raise your voice and try to talk about things that you feel you all need to work on.
What I've found out is that things aren't always as clear cut as they seem. When people do things like this, it isn't because they're just a bad person, it's because there are underlying issues that have to dealt with. Everyone has a point to make in an arguement, usually a valid one. I can understand how you feel, but imagine how you'd feel in his situation. He probably feels awful about not working and claiming the dole.
My advice would be to talk to him. Be nice to him and help him out, he is your brother after all. Hopefully that way he'll understand how it is for you too.

Reply 17

Anonymous #2

I'd say that your mother needs to seriously consider about having him in the house.
Get her to kick him out of the house, include changing the locks... and if any damage is done to the property as a result, ensure the Police are called.

It could be the huge wake-up call that is needed for him to realise that sponging and doing nothing all day isn't going to get him far in life at all.

Reply 18

AnthonyShock

Anonymous

r u jealous?
u halfwitted mohiognarey

Jealous of what, I don't understand :s-smilie:

I don't think I could actually call the police, it just doesn't seem that serious to get that sort of thing involved. My mum doesn't like the neighbours knowing our business, she likes to put on a front. Plus my mother would hate me for it and my sister (she's his full sister, from his dad, so she's more inclined towards him I think), even though it's for their benefit.

I really thank you guys for ur advice though, it's been helpful. Could I go to the doctors about this? I don't want any drugs or anything lol but someone professional who I could talk to. It doesn't stress me out too much at school or out with my friends because it's like I'm living a different life there and I'm not in 'home mode' if you understand. I think I'll just have to stick it out until next year, because I don't think my mum or stepdad will change their stance. Even so, he knows that he's took advatage of them before so he'll just laugh at this 'change'. I'll talk to my mum about it tonight and try not to lose my temper.

Reply 19

Dimyan

In my eyes youve only got three resonble opotions.

Wait untill he does go over the top and seriously assults a member of your family.

Confront him (not a physical confrontation) but try and say things likes "did you ever imagine yourself in this postion when you were younger" try and sympathese with him.

Or you could talk to his friends. If they are normal like you said they should listain as im guessing most are mature adults. Ask them to have a word with him.