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    #1

    I wrote a really long post detailing everything that's happened in the past two years but I deleted it for a more concise post. If I put in everything this thread would be triple the length lol. I'm a girl, btw, and I'm 19.

    Basically, me and my dad (he doesn't live with us) haven't spoken for almost a year. My mum is encouraging me to bridge the gap, and I guess I'm doing this because she asked me too and also because I know he hasn't got the guts to come to me. I'm sure it will be cathartic too. I'm writing him because I'm not ready to speak to him on the phone. There's no way I can see him face-to-face, he's so oppressive that I end up shrinking and withering and apologising and agreeing with him just so I can get away and go home when I know that he is in the wrong.

    I guess I just need some advice on how to approach this letter. I know it was immature of me to stop taking his calls. I have a lot of issues with my dad that I really need to sort out. I think he's really let me down. I'm not trying to get back into his good books or become daddy's little girl, I just want to fill him in on the-need-to-knows about my life at the moment. But at the same time I've got so much things that I want to scream and shout at him:mad::mad::mad:.

    I think he is a ******* to be honest. Whenever I think of him I get really angry, because I'm petrified that I've inherited any of his bad qualities. And I'm starting to think that the problems I've had with him as a father have started to affect my friendships and relationships (Freud would have a fieldday) like I find it really hard to be open with people because I'm so used to being overshadowed and I end up becoming painfully polite and reclusive and anti-social when I know that's not my personality at all! Then I end up forcing myself to be extremely social to compensate and all it does is make things worse!

    Argggh I don't know what to do. My head is so messed up. Has anybody got any ideas how I can start this letter, what approach should I take?

    Thanks for reading. :unsure:
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    ask how he is

    tell him about what youve been up to lately and whats been going on in your life perhaps

    the things you want to scream and shout could go in another letter or you could say when you are ready to phone him and speak face to face
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    I have father issues, it certainly isnt a walk in the park.

    Basically if you want a relationship with him then you need to leave out all of your feelings about him and the situation you're in from the letter - focus on facts and life events and you can begin to be civil to each other again.

    If you'd rather have an effect on him, but inevitably leave him to feel too proud/stubborn to reply, then tell him everything in the letter.
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    Write everything you are feeling about him down, everything about your life atm... everything you want to say to him since this will be carthartic... then go through it and edit it. that way you get the best of both.
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    (Original post by Anon the 7th)
    ask how he is

    tell him about what youve been up to lately and whats been going on in your life perhaps

    the things you want to scream and shout could go in another letter or you could say when you are ready to phone him and speak face to face
    This. Keep it simple and as neutral as you can. You are the Switzerland of letter writing, at least in the first one.
    And then you have a 'bridge' that you can either use or burn when you have everything completely sorted in your head.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wrote a really long post detailing everything that's happened in the past two years but I deleted it for a more concise post. If I put in everything this thread would be triple the length lol. I'm a girl, btw, and I'm 19.

    Basically, me and my dad (he doesn't live with us) haven't spoken for almost a year. My mum is encouraging me to bridge the gap, and I guess I'm doing this because she asked me too and also because I know he hasn't got the guts to come to me. I'm sure it will be cathartic too. I'm writing him because I'm not ready to speak to him on the phone. There's no way I can see him face-to-face, he's so oppressive that I end up shrinking and withering and apologising and agreeing with him just so I can get away and go home when I know that he is in the wrong.

    I guess I just need some advice on how to approach this letter. I know it was immature of me to stop taking his calls. I have a lot of issues with my dad that I really need to sort out. I think he's really let me down. I'm not trying to get back into his good books or become daddy's little girl, I just want to fill him in on the-need-to-knows about my life at the moment. But at the same time I've got so much things that I want to scream and shout at him:mad::mad::mad:.

    I think he is a ******* to be honest. Whenever I think of him I get really angry, because I'm petrified that I've inherited any of his bad qualities. And I'm starting to think that the problems I've had with him as a father have started to affect my friendships and relationships (Freud would have a fieldday) like I find it really hard to be open with people because I'm so used to being overshadowed and I end up becoming painfully polite and reclusive and anti-social when I know that's not my personality at all! Then I end up forcing myself to be extremely social to compensate and all it does is make things worse!

    Argggh I don't know what to do. My head is so messed up. Has anybody got any ideas how I can start this letter, what approach should I take?

    Thanks for reading. :unsure:
    Send him this
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    I think I probably know how you feel - my dad's a complete waste of space, and personally I think I'm far better off without him getting in the way of my life. If you want to talk about it feel free to PM me
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wrote a really long post detailing everything that's happened in the past two years but I deleted it for a more concise post. If I put in everything this thread would be triple the length lol. I'm a girl, btw, and I'm 19.

    Basically, me and my dad (he doesn't live with us) haven't spoken for almost a year. My mum is encouraging me to bridge the gap, and I guess I'm doing this because she asked me too and also because I know he hasn't got the guts to come to me. I'm sure it will be cathartic too. I'm writing him because I'm not ready to speak to him on the phone. There's no way I can see him face-to-face, he's so oppressive that I end up shrinking and withering and apologising and agreeing with him just so I can get away and go home when I know that he is in the wrong.

    I guess I just need some advice on how to approach this letter. I know it was immature of me to stop taking his calls. I have a lot of issues with my dad that I really need to sort out. I think he's really let me down. I'm not trying to get back into his good books or become daddy's little girl, I just want to fill him in on the-need-to-knows about my life at the moment. But at the same time I've got so much things that I want to scream and shout at him:mad::mad::mad:.

    I think he is a ******* to be honest. Whenever I think of him I get really angry, because I'm petrified that I've inherited any of his bad qualities. And I'm starting to think that the problems I've had with him as a father have started to affect my friendships and relationships (Freud would have a fieldday) like I find it really hard to be open with people because I'm so used to being overshadowed and I end up becoming painfully polite and reclusive and anti-social when I know that's not my personality at all! Then I end up forcing myself to be extremely social to compensate and all it does is make things worse!

    Argggh I don't know what to do. My head is so messed up. Has anybody got any ideas how I can start this letter, what approach should I take?

    Thanks for reading. :unsure:
    OP, do you have any siblings who you can do this with at all? that could help.
    • #2
    #2

    Tell him what you told us. Just be 100% honest about how you feel, and tell him what he needs to do in order to improve. Also, the next time you see him face to face, grow a spine and speak your mind in front of him. This letter will be a good build to confronting him head on. Relationships can only be improved though an honest dialogue.
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    If there are a lot of things that make you angry, could you write these down in a separate letter? Like have one letter with the short and sweet generalised how are you stuff. And then a separate one with how he's made you feel?

    I did that with my dad. Well i wrote down everything i thought about him, question i had, things i blamed him for etc, but never sent it. But it helped to get it off my chest (i have nowt to do with with him now btw)
    • #1
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    #1

    Thanks for all your replies so far.

    I do have brothers but I don't know them very well (they're all older than me and don't live at home). I remember my oldest brother telling me that he felt similar but at the end of the day, he doesn't really talk to my dad often enough to care. I've talked about it with my mum quite a bit, and she pretty much knows how I'm feeling but even still, I don't think it is helping because I still really want him to know. I just know that he'll some how deny everything or ignore it like he has done in the past.

    I don't think I'll ever have the guts to tell him face to face: my dad isn't aggressive, but he is very physically domineering and he has a way of forcing all his opinions and prejudist attitudes onto you. If I ever did get a chance to tell him what I was feeling he'd probably twist it around and make me feel like a fool. He has a chip on his shoulder and think the world has "done him wrong".

    He has all these problems which he tries to inflict on me. I'll give you an example: when he first came to the country he had to deal with a lot of racism to the point where I can't talk to him for more than five minutes before he starts mentioning all the wrongs that the white man has done him. He's basically forbade me from dating anyone who isn't black and criticises me whenever I do/like something that is outside of our culture. It's very hard to "grow a spine" and stand-up to someone like that, especially when they are so set in their ways.

    There are a million other things like this, the way he used to stop me from making friends, the way cut me off financially, the way he behaved when I got attacked a few years ago, the way he gave me no support through uni at all, the way he talks about my brothers and my mother's side of the family. Honestly, he's been a prick.

    So basically if I decide to let it all out and tell him everything, I'm pretty sure it will end our relationship or permanently damage it. We are completely different people, there's no way I can even be in the same room as him listening to him rant on without reacting. And if I just take the easy route, and write him a nice polite letter, he'll take it as an apology and think he's right and everything will remain the same as before.

    I'm starting to think I should just forget about writing the letter. I think it's an all or nothing situation: I either bite my tongue or I tell him exactly how I feel. I may write a fake one just to get it all out and never post it. I don't think I can accept the way he is and I'm fed up of pretending to be the obedient daughter just for peace sake. I think I'd rather have nothing to do with him.

    Thank God I have my Mum! We don't always get along but I tell you she's so open and giving that if it wasn't for her I probably would have turned out just as twisted as him!
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    OP, I know how you feel. My dad and I haven't spoken properly in years - he's turned up at the doorstep a few times brandishing gifts, and I just tell him to **** off. That's the extent of our talking - but I did used to spend a lot of time at first just replying to his emails that he constantly sent, telling him to sod off, just in more colourful language.

    If you don't want to talk to him, then don't. Remember that you don't have to do it straight away, either.
    • #3
    #3

    I think you need to take a grown up approach about it.

    Do you know where you want your relationship to go with your Dad? i.e. Do you think in the future you would like to be on good terms with him, or do you want him out of your life?

    If I was writing the letter, I would let him know exactly what he has done to make me feel like that (in a mature way without *****ing) and what I want to happen from here on - if thats leaving you alone for a bit while you think things through or whatever.
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    i strongly second the approach about being swizerland. just start with soemthing along the lines of "your bitterness, dominane and ignorance have hindered me grealy in my life. ... still i feel it's right to let you know how i've been dong since we last talked. .... (how you've been doing.) ... i hope you understand that undeer the given circumstances meeting you in person doesn't make much sense to me at the moment" that way you have expressed that you are upset without realy picking on what he id wrog too much. then you don't ave to have the feeling he could take it for an apology from your side, and it leaves much room for himt think about. in my expirenece stuborn and narrow minded people don't take open criticism, if they ever admit having been wrong (ad only to themselves, not others) is when they kinda "discover it themselves".
    maybe you can write how you feel in more detail on a seperate piece of paper that you don't send, or maybe you can tell him more detailed later on...
 
 
 
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