Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

My mom is depressed and its putting me down watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Please keep this anonymous as this is confidential..

    I'm in a situation now where i feel i can't take it anymore and i have no idea what to do about it. Basically, my parents split up six years ago when i was 13. It was a crappy time for all of us, my parents didn't communicate with each other at all, if they needed to ask the other one anything they always went through me or my sisters to get an answer and we had to pack our things and move from dads to moms place every weekend. There was, and still is, a lot of tension in the air between them two and most of the arguments are about money..

    My mom got married with her new husband a year ago and i've been living with them for the past six months (before that i moved back and forth between them and my dad). She and her husband are health-freaks and she's constantly dieting and obsesses about losing weight. He's a doctor and has gotten really into nutrition and fitness etc which is ok i think but its gotten out of control!! Its the only thing we ever talk about at home. Every single dinner table discussion is about health and fitness and frankly its driving me nuts. I got a little chubby last summer (i'm 5"8 and weighed 160lbs, now i weigh 141lbs) so i started losing weight and getting back into shape. I'm happy with myself now and don't intend to lose more weight however my mom can't stop talking about how she's afraid i'll gain weight when i go to uni and its making me paranoid. I think she has a bit of an eating disorder and i hate that she's trying to control me and constantly criticizes me.

    Long story short, my two older sisters have now moved out and are living their own lives whilst i'm still living at home. I'm leaving for university in September and part of me is incredibly happy about it because it means i will finally be able to get on with my own life without being controlled by my mom but part of me is dead worried about her. She's had a lot of financial problems and immense stress at work, plus she's a perfectionist. At home she's driving me and her husband crazy because she's so tense all the time and stresses about everything being perfect all the time. I hate it and i hate what she is doing to herself because as i see it she's creating loads and loads of unnecessary stress for herself. I tell her to take it easy and that she doesn't need to do everything perfectly, i also help out whenever i can she insists on doing most of the work and gets really defensive about anything i say (she misinterprets everything in a way as if i were criticizing her and says "nothing i do is ever good enough")..

    I'm afraid that when i move away a month from now she will break down completely I'm the youngest child and i understand its hard on her, but its making it so hard for me to leave because i'm so worried about her. I'll be moving abroad for uni and i know this is something i need to do, for me, but i don't know how she'll handle it I feel so helpless because i can see where this is all going and i think she needs help. Her husband isn't of much help because he's probably the most self-centered person i've ever met and he's such a typical male who doesn't get the emotional side of things and this makes me sad because of my mom.. but then again, she's an adult and she makes her own decisions in life so in a way she can only blame herself She doesn't really have any close friends either, so i can see she's lonely.

    I don't know if anyone can help me on this one or if you have any advice on what i can do, but at least writing this down lets some of the steam out.. props to anyone who manages to read all of this :o:

    (sorry for the essay)
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    - - Don't get depressed. What use is it if you get depressed too. It seems that your step dad won't be much help.

    - - Do some of the work that your Mum does.

    - - Don't do anything that might be taken as criticism. Do things that cheer her up, buy her something. Let her make the change.

    - - Get her to enjoy eating food again. Perhaps she's forcing some of this stuff on herself.

    - - Show a little interest into the health and fitness. It'll probably make her feel better that you're interested.

    - - You need to leave on a good note. You should spend the time you have left getting closer and setting out the foundations for how your relationship will be once you leave home.

    - - Perhaps you could have a word with your older sisters or a serious and mature talk with your Mum about what is annoying you.

    Good luck!!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by roots)
    - - Don't get depressed. What use is it if you get depressed too. It seems that your step dad won't be much help.
    i know i should try and stay positive but to be honest i've suffered from depression of some sort for the past few years myself and my social life is crap and i can't really help but feel like this. the only thing that makes me feel happy right now is moving away and getting a fresh start, but now even that is bringing me down

    - - Do some of the work that your Mum does.

    - - Don't do anything that might be taken as criticism. Do things that cheer her up, buy her something. Let her make the change.
    i will do this

    - - Get her to enjoy eating food again. Perhaps she's forcing some of this stuff on herself.
    i'll try. its not as if she isnt eating at all, its just that she's constantly talking about how she shouldn't eat this and that and that she needs to lose weight. i know this is something most women do, but she is already skinny and fit and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her body :confused: so i don't see why she thinks shes fat, it makes me feel bad about myself..

    - - Show a little interest into the health and fitness. It'll probably make her feel better that you're interested.
    I have and i do, but i feel like its coming out my ears and i'm afraid that i'll go back to where i was in winter.. i wouldn't say i had a full-on ed but i was definitely too obsessive about it. i alienated myself from everyone and at times i starved myself but i came to my senses. i hate that she essentially got me to become obsessed about food and caused me a lot of trouble in terms of my social life and school :confused:

    - - You need to leave on a good note. You should spend the time you have left getting closer and setting out the foundations for how your relationship will be once you leave home.
    yea, i know.. i try and try to think of this whenever i feel frustrated because i know it'll only be worse if i leave when being on bad terms with her. i guess its just a matter of compromising? i need to pretend that everything is ok for a while and make it seem as if i'm happy.

    - - Perhaps you could have a word with your older sisters or a serious and mature talk with your Mum about what is annoying you.

    Good luck!!
    I've already talked about this with my sisters and she said she felt the exact same way as me before she moved out. She also said that even though she agrees that mom has done some bad choices in life (which is why she's in the situation she is in now) i don't need to live my life the same way. I can make my own (better) decisions in life and that's why i want to leave so that i don't need to base all my decisions on what is best for her..

    Thank you so much for reading and helping!
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    dude dnt get down... Its all part of the moving on process and ur mum will have to come to terms with that..with the whole eating thihg, suggest a night wer u have fish n chips or something..jus to make food a little fun..coz it sounds like shes forcing herself to lose weight n itsuncomfortable.. I do hope the rest of tsr cheers u up as well as i have tried to
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i know i should try and stay positive but to be honest i've suffered from depression of some sort for the past few years myself and my social life is crap and i can't really help but feel like this. the only thing that makes me feel happy right now is moving away and getting a fresh start, but now even that is bringing me down
    What does she think of you leaving?

    i will do this
    Be careful though. I reccommended helping out in another thread just now and the OP said she'd tried this but her Mum just got more annoyed at her. You should definitely try it but if it doesn't help then you should stop because you're both just going to annoy one another.

    i'll try. its not as if she isnt eating at all, its just that she's constantly talking about how she shouldn't eat this and that and that she needs to lose weight. i know this is something most women do, but she is already skinny and fit and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her body :confused: so i don't see why she thinks shes fat, it makes me feel bad about myself..
    Your Mom might be eating healthy foods but she might not be eating the right foods. She might be eating the wrong healthy foods. That might be a cause for some of her stress that she doesn't enjoy the food. Encourage her to eat foods that taste good but are also healthy.

    Your Mom might be eating the right foods but if it all it is doing is stressing her out then she is losing some of the beneficial effects of a healthy diet. A healthy diet should be part of a healthy lifestyle. If shes constantly stressed then that isn't healthy and it seems that eating the right foods isn't improving her quality of life.

    We all get stressed and we devote some time to destressing. You need to get this accross to your Mum. Hopefully this'll result in her being more pleasant to be around.

    You should encourage her to enjoy the results of her efforts. Shes improving her health but it isn't having a real impact on her life. Perhaps she has the ability to do things that most of us couldn't do. Run a marathon or climb a mountain. If she isn't taking advantage of her efforts then what is the point. If you get her to see it this way then a knock on effect of those activities is that she'll be less stressed hopefully. Perhaps she just needs something to do and needs a push.

    You also need to get her to see that obsessing over certain things leads to neglecting other important areas. A healthy lifestyle is about finding the right balance.

    I think that if you get her to see things this way she'll be alot happier and more importantly she'll be able to cope and will do great after you leave. You won't need to worry about her.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: August 9, 2009
Poll
Do you agree with the PM's proposal to cut tuition fees for some courses?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.