Ill try to keep this short and concise. Im really nervous as ive never said this to anyone. Male 19 (just finished a-levels). Although i havent been diagnosed with anything I know that something is seriously wrong with me. Ever since i was bullied in secondary school my confidence has been plummited. Before I was bubbly and by the time I left my secondary school (bullying) to go to a different school for sixth form i get so nervous around people. I dont like going out and I feel im best in my own company. Im quite small and an easy target so people would call me racist names and throw things at me and abuse me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone. As a consequence i suffered in my gcse's
Since moving schools, although i wasnt bullied i got worse. Until this day I constantly think about how I should be dead and that I should be somewhere else. If i read about people dying esp suicide it makes me think about doing it and i get excited from the thought of it. I would SH whenever people upset me as i prefered to hurt myself than to hurt them. Of course i stuggled with AS and i had to do the year again. This made me feel even worse. I made sure I passed my exams but I thought if I could disappear i would feel better as i knew a few of my friends will be leaving by the end of the year. I was quite slim (5.8 9stone) and i wnt to just over 7stone. I was skeletal, but it made me feel happy.
I like sports, by the start of u6th i could feel that i had no speed and when i went to the gym i had SH scars so i said to myself that no matter what dont scar yourself so i ate more and didnt SH. Im now 5.8 and 9.5 stone as im going to the gym plus i go running. However at first instead of SH or starving myself did other things worse which i rather didnt mention
Now im not doing any of these things, i got prob AAB/ABB in my a-levels which is way better than my first year in l6th and even better thaan last year but i always feel depressed and scared, i still wish i starved myself and SH but i make sure i dont. im What kept me going was meeting new people but i still feel bad and upset and im just tying to bottle things up. I know if when i go to uni if things are cool i might be able to put things behind me, if are not i worry again. I need some advice on how to make me stop thinking like this. Thanks
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Im on the brink watch
- 09-08-2009 20:23
- PS Helper
- 09-08-2009 21:14
I'm sorry to here that mate, it sounds like you've had to deal with quite a lot. The obvious thing would be to say that you have to try and put it behind you and move on but I think that you probably know that already. Kids can be cruel but you're at a stage in your life now where the people you meet and those who you will have to deal with are older, more mature and considerably more sensitive. Calling you racist names because they think you're an "easy target" is just pure low and you're obviously much better than them; I dare say, like in most cases, the bullies were probably just jealous of you for whatever reason. I know it's difficult but you should try and see the positive side of all of this - you've got a hell of a lot of self control and you're probably a much better person because of it.
I can't really help too much with the bullying aspect but university is a fresh start for you, an opportunity for you to turn a new chapter and try things which you haven't been able to do before. Nobody will be judging you at university so it really is a great place for you to try and get a new perspective on things and meet some like-minded people. Don't let this get in the way of a really good opportunity for you!
- 09-08-2009 21:25
Im in the same boat as you. There is a solution though trust me.
Make sure you eat, eat and eat. Go to the gym. you'll feel better after building a good muscular body. Make sure you succeed at uni in the hope of securing a good career and future. There really isnt much advice people can give you, the only way is to keep going. Think about it...life really isnt that bad!! Get you health back on track, and I'm sure your not physically disabled or anything. Cheer up. And isolate yourself and dont talk to anyone, this really helped me in my AS and A2 years. Just block people and other things out becasue people are such di**heads you know, just picking on people and bullying. I suffered so much bullying in yeasr 7 to 11 but hey, I got through it and I feel better now. Keep reminding yourself there is light at the end of the tunnel. Oh and stop all this SH nonsense, it's really stupid and you are better than this i am sure.
And whenever people say bad things to you, its usually an indication of jealousy and inferiority.
- 09-08-2009 21:26
Also it goes without saying that ive never had the confidence to have a relationships either. Something i would like to change
- 09-08-2009 23:17
- 09-08-2009 23:26
I'm really sorry about the bad experiences you've had. I've had some similar ones which have affected me in a negative way too and I mean the only thing I think has helped is time and new experiences which have helped me move on.
The only thing is, do you think you have depression on top of these past experiences which still upset you? Because I did/ do have it and I wouldn't be where I am today without getting help for that.
So it might be worth you visiting your GP and explaining the situation and how you feel to see what his/ her professional opinion is. They could refer you to a counsellor or therapist who could really help you, or perhaps try medication if the former doesn't work and they think it might help.
I'm not sure how to advise you to move on from the past as it's different for everyone and like I said, what helped me was having new experiences and time just healing things but all I can say is try and stay stable, throw yourself in to the things that you enjoy but that aren't destructive towards you, keep busy with distractions when you're feeling low and try to remember that you don't know what potential good is around the corner so there's no point ending your life for what is only ever a temporary feeling.
I wish there was something I could say that would be more helpful but that's all I have I'm afraid. I'd really like to emphasise the importance of seeing your GP though.
- 09-08-2009 23:33
youre doing well now at least
just think happy thoughts