• Estellas monologue

I am what you designed me to be. I am your blade. You cannot now complain if you also feel the hurt. You say you want revenge, I am your instrument. I am your puppet. Someone you can use for retribution. Love is a curse; I will never love; for I have no heart. Do you reproach me for being cold? Ludicrous All I possess is freely yours. Take all the praise, take all the blame. I cannot love you; you taught me to never love, I cannot give you what I don’t have. I have lived wholly in the dark confinement of these rooms, sometimes wanting to scream in despair, I just thought of you. I have no heart yet why do I not gain pleasure from making you cry? Pip, he is nothing but a common labouring boy! His coarse hands and grotesque boots, I shall recompense him for his love! I know the authenticity of men, absurd, feeble and loathsome! My heart beats but it beats for no one… My life has no true purpose; neither do I have a goal. I’m obligated to do as Miss Havisham has designed for me, I cannot yearn nor dream. Nor can I marry who I wish, as I am made to break hearts, I cannot sway from my destined life. But can I live a life, the way I want? Can I ever be a mere commoner for I do not cherish the jewels, I just want to live happily but, I do not trust a soul. Everyone is designated to a purpose in life, what is mine? To destroy hearts of young men? This revenge is not mine but yours Miss Havisham, I am not your tool. I also wish to experience the life of an ordinary girl. I wish to have something I cherish but I cannot, I have ice in place of a heart. My ridiculous dreams once again managed to get the best of me. In this cruel world only the strongest survives and the mere weakling will banish for good. In this cruel world sympathy and softness does no good but only harm. I cannot love for I don’t want to turn out to be like Miss Havisham For I admit I am a little scared to love. I am a little angry for what happened to my mother. I am a little sad for being all alone. Pip should not come see me any longer, I am afraid I will hurt him. I do not trust myself nor Miss Havisham’s plans for him. My life is already planned and I shall do as it is. I shall keep feigning, I have no feelings for pip and he should soon give up for the ice on my stone cold heart cannot be melted. Does he want me then to deceive and entrap him? Foolish! I don’t want him near me! Run away, run as far as you can! I can make you cry anytime I want.

by mitsuki yozora

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