[Anonymous]

I've had depression a few times since the age of 14. I had a pretty bad episode whilst at uni where my reaction was to become really obsessive towards someone. He contacted my parents (and told me 4 days later) and told them what had happened.

My reaction to my depression was to run away. The first time this happened, I ended up getting a lecture from a friend of a friend. (I saw her roughly a year later and was blanked all night) I was then talked into going to my friends' flat and he'd get me home.

That was so difficult. He asked me what this was about and it was at that point he told me he contacted who he thought was my dad. (It was so hard not to laugh at his explanation - "the only other person I came across, I don't think he's your dad because he looks too young and I don't think your dad's a singer") I was then given a lecture by him. For most of that year, his wife had been in a psychiatric ward. I remember him telling me a few weeks previously that he doesn't want me to "end up like his wife".

He then said something that after realising what he meant, scared me. He said "we (my parents) must decide what we do with you". I had no recollection of most of the last week and really do not remember doing a lot of the stuff that he claimed happened.

At the time, I was at uni and my flat mates were sort of aware what was going on. I would constantly get lectures because I supposedly wasn't eating. (we have completely different time tables)

They were never aware that I was running away at this point and they never did find out.

[Anonymous]

Hello!

I'm not to sure whether I have depression or anxiety or both! but for the past few days I've felt like hell. I finished university a few weeks ago and felt fine. But the past few days I've been suffering from panic attacks and have constantly been worrying. This had led me to feeling down and a bit depressed. I've been constantly crying, shaking and feeling sick. I've hardly ate anything today but I'm going to try and force and not wanting to leave my room. My mums managed to get an emergency appointment to see my GP this afternoon so I will see how it goes. I also have a really busy week ahead of me! I'm due to graduate on Monday but I'm not sure whether I can face it and I have a job interview on Thursday which again I'm not sure if I can face it! It feels like I'm constantly worrying about things and just want to feel how I normally feel. I've tried not to worry and ignore these feelings but it makes it worse. I feel on edge at the moment and the slightest bit of thing makes me cry. I had a similar sort of episode when I was at university about two years ago but it just went on its own. I believe I'm worse though this time. I just hope my GP will be able to help!

[g36c]

been depressed most of my life, ups and downs. when i started uni it started to go away but then some things happened and it came back worse than ever for about a year . found it hard to be able to feel joy this then resulted in me questioning whether i should even bother living. doing ok at the moment and have met new people and started new things which have helped.

[Anonymous]

• Generalised anxiety disorder with panic attacks, health anxiety, mild-moderate depression and disordered eating tendencies. I appreciate this is nowhere near as severe as many of you especially to start with/is more anxiety than depression, but wanted to share my experience anyway.
•
• Childhood/background

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• I'd always had low self-esteem as a child. I'm Dyspraxic so it made it harder to socialise and pick up on social cues, body language and in my case often fail at common sense. To this day I still feel uncomfortable in certain situations which most teenagers would be comfortable with. I also needed physiotherapy until secondary school to improve fine and gross motor skills, as well as speech therapy. I’ve never been particularly good at practical stuff. Because I wasn't very good at sports as a result, I didn't try much/sometimes skipped P.E., became overweight and unfit as a child and ended up being laughed at for that. More damagingly I was called 'retarded' and ‘spaz’ because of the way the Dyspraxia was interpreted by my peers. This made me increasingly socially awkward and under the general belief that people reject ‘fat’ people and definitely those who aren't seen as 'cool', so I spent the majority of my childhood indoors playing videogames or with my family, had very few friends.
•
I felt unsatisfied by all my achievements in life since I have to compete with my extremely intelligent brother who was a potential Oxbridge candidate and my sister who’s a formidable Performing Arts student. I still feel a bit inadequate compared to them, moreso then. Academically I was one of the brightest and disciplined pupils in my year but I developed into a perfectionist; results became the only way to judge my self-worth, and any slip-up would make me feel like a waste of space. This made it harder and harder for me to create new friendships as well as maintain existing friendships, and sometimes to talk to my family.
On a positive I compensated by passion in singing and acting, took singing lessons and started reading a lot, which left me with much love for drama, culture and literature.
• The first girl I asked out in Year 6 (ha) did so because 'you're not fit', in Year 7 we had basic fitness tests like the Bleep Test and Road Run which I failed miserably and was mocked in the changing rooms for, I had a real self-esteem crisis following these. After this I spent most of my high-school years obsessively trying to get fit while tending to the intellectual perfectionist inside me and it was exhausting trying to juggle them, I saw friends in school but often neglected them and my own desires to fulfil these. How I was feeling was covered by a) needing to be the best academically and b) turning energies to improving my body (first swimming, then Cross-Country, finally being in the gym and lifting) or active all the time.
For being sociable I really tried to be a nice guy which I guess worked but I was a gullible doormat a lot too and taken advantage of a few times. A few friendships were based around me being a clown and making them laugh by doing stupid stuff or saying silly things. For being attractive tried to sound as smart as possible around people and especially girls; probably came across as a ponce. At home I practised on MSN where I refined my intellect so that I'd come across as much more mature than my years and how I felt inside. I started talking to a girl who was a friend of a friend online and became very attracted to her but felt too insecure to ask her out or even really talk to her or other girls in general. I felt out of place with my mates half the time
On the face of it I had a lot going for me, I was a straight-A student in Arts and Humanities with talent for singing and acting, but really I still felt empty. The void was never filled so at the end of the week when I'd end up overeating and become frustrated by the fact I wasn't getting invited anywhere while my friends were all going out to town for the day and the like.
In reality this was nothing that bad, but it showed I had an unhealthy attitude to life and set the stage.

• Last three years

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• During Year 10 and 11 lots of crap happened, there were various problems with my friends, the parents of one divorced and he ended up anorexic, another developed schizophrenia, another's granddad had a stroke and it hit him hard, there was a schism between them all over the anorexic and two went off as 'best buddies' for a while, they fell out and one of them became dependent on drugs then attempted suicide because his mum kicked him out of the house. It was really a lot and I started seeing life as something that can bring a lot of misery.
• The final straw was when my own parents divorced as I was doing my GCSEs, even though I could tell something was up for about a year before because Dad had lapsed into depression. Later had some episodes where he got angry, hurled abuse at Mum, smashed things, ran away once etc. The only place I really felt safe was no longer there. My brother also moved out to university after passing A Levels top of his year with 6As, and my sister got a job modelling and trained to be a dancer, leaving me the ‘piggy in the middle’ with nothing all the more.
• Dad left, went to live with my nan again for a while and I tried to help him recover from it along with helping all my other friends with their problems.
Meantime I tried to help myself by concentrating on my own life as a teenager who'd made it through to sixth-form college with great GCSEs but I got more jealous of friends doing more ‘mature’ things like drinking, being in relationships, their interests maturing, driving etc. while I stayed at heart a child and a fish out of water. I spent more and more time on MSN or browsing Facebook bored and ended up being closer to two random girl I’d only ever met online (one of which suffered domestic abuse and was now a young mum).
The diet then binge cycle got worse and I masked my problems with drinking, didn’t revert to severe alcoholism but did get smashed with people frequently just because I felt I had to and the effect lasted for weeks after at this point. I felt I had no free will and was trapped to do as people wished me to even though it made me feel awful, because I was afraid they'd stop asking me to come.
I tried to find my voice taking part in the school music production and enjoyed the acting side but the social anxiety came out especially with the drinking at after-parties and I felt like I didn’t belong. Some of them were back-stabbers and talked about me behind my back, so I learned a tendency to not trust people, at least my age.
The pressure of helping Dad combined with A Levels/worry about getting into uni/gym obsession got too much and I burnt out.
My AS results weren’t as good as I hoped and I decided I was an idiot, needed serious self-improvement and to stop messing about with ‘stupid time-wasting hobbies’, and stopped seeing friends and going to the gym to focus on my studies and studies alone. I stayed up late and became over-exhausted trying to finish essays because everything took twice as long being Dyspraxic but I couldn’t have it not be great due to perfectionism. If work needed to be done I’d have to do it or I wouldn’t let myself eat or go to bed; I didn’t realise this was what I’d told myself at the time by my actions but in hindsight it’s true.
• Health suffered dramatically; shortly after starting A2s I started having severe panic attacks, lost sleep and developed insomnia, lost lots of weight. I felt food was distracting from work and even more threatening when not exercising, so I’d throw away meals or only eat half and pretend to have had the whole lot. At this time Mum had found a new partner and was barely ever in the house, not cooking for me or leaving a microwave meal which I couldn’t be bothered eating; Dad was more supportive initially as after a year he received treatment for his depression, bought his own house and found a new girlfriend. Mum is far, far more supportive now than she was but in fairness she couldn't help until I told her something was wrong.
Just before the panic attacks started I’d been harassed in the street walking home from my friends’ houses late at night, verbal abuse, eggs thrown from cars etc. and I expected to be stabbed, shot, beaten up or at very least intimidated almost every night.
I’d been in several near-death experiences trying to help the so-called “friends” over the years, and one time in AS they decided it’d be fun to stick burning pieces of **** on doormats and ran off as I was round-housed to the face by a kick-boxer they’d pissed off. It was too much, I’d become extremely uncomfortable walking home, and later walking everywhere. There were lads in the Lower Sixth who abused me more personally in the library and confronted me on the train. It bugged me but wasn’t a real problem until the chest pains and anxiety started.
By September this had moved into paranoia, believing I’d die walking home at night; again not helped by chest pains.
Nearly developed an eating disorder over the idea I was about to have a heart attack and needed to ‘lose fat’ to stop it (actually underweight making it worse), lost tons of muscle from no longer training but walked obsessively/ate as little as possible instead, because I became convinced there was something wrong with my heart and scared myself out of exercising. Became precoccupied with death and flipped between wanting to crawl into bed and die, or worrying that I’ll die as soon as I went to sleep so couldn’t sleep. Went for first ECG in 2010, came back I was near athletic status due to eating so healthy; ironically my physical health had soared from my mental health declining. This didn’t last.

They discovered a benign heart condition but that had to be investigated, during which time my anxiety escalated, I stopped exercising entirely and started eating again but could only eat ‘healthy’ foods (stopped eating fat at all, with the exception of fish and a handful of nuts every couple of weeks) got very unfit, suffered severe anxiety. Couldn’t gain actual weight all the same because I was stressing and refusing to challenge myself to eat while coursework was being handed in. Too scared to even walk to the shops sometimes and see my friends, almost stopped seeing them completely, now everyone views me as some victim; the embarrassment of becoming even more like a kid than I already was from managing anxiety made me more depressed. The effect that becoming entirely introverted has on your social life is terrifying, and for a time I think I had no friends because no-one could sympathise, they thought I just needed to ‘get over’ the divorce. Especially considering the amount of immature 'macho' ideals such as 'man up' and peer pressure to look hard in teenage boys.

Handed over to CAMHS in Feb 2011, began treatment for CBT especially on health anxiety. GP monitored my weight while NHS Drop-in nurse at college was there to talk with me when I felt too scared to see my friends. Beforehand all the GP had put my chest pains down to was heartburn (although it's true that mental illness can cause such confusingly alarming symptoms).
This worked in treating my fear of exercise (slowly built back into it ang got a bit fitter and generally happier over summer), saw a dietician at the local ED Services and was encouraged to eat again/my food fears were diminished but the fat prejudices and fear of being unhealthy or even a bit unfit remained a little. I kept bugging my doctor with a million concerns of high blood pressure/diabetes/high cholesterol/risk of stroke etc., still do when feeling low. CAMHS tested me for autism and OCD but it came back negative and was all put down to a bi-product of anxiety. Fluoxetine was recommended to me on more than one occasion but I decided to try and manage my symptoms without antidepressants, and I personally feel that was the right choice for me.

By some stroke of luck I managed to get into university with decent grades and a scholarship, and I was thrilled. I’d originally hoped to move away from here because I was so sick of it but was rejected by most of my choices. Tried to break the social anxiety/work perfectionism during Freshers but it failed, anxiety and food fear escalated again, lost sleep, I spent my first semester in the library working or just on the Internet, and was told by tutors I was working unnaturally hard for a freshman. Again I felt I had no choice because losing my scholarship or getting any less than 2.1 wasn't an option. Around October I began having panic attacks again, attempted suicide (running into road and jumping onto the underground railway), had another ECG, saw ED Services yet again because I started frequently binging. I’ve probably ruined my health although I’m still quite skinny so people say it doesn’t show.

I think it was around the time Mum became extremely depressed from how I was feeling and went on Citalopram that I decided my attitude had to change-I could see massive bags under her eyes-and really tried to work on what I’d learnt in CBT. For a while I was convinced I’d caused it (I had but it wasn't my fault) and started binging more as punishment, began to mildly self-harm then (no cuts because I didn’t want people to know and help but self-beatings to make bruises). Seriously contemplated taking my life again, but at some point the CBT clicked in, I thought it through and told her how I was feeling.

Since then I’ve become more assertive, independent and a little more relaxed about things in general. I’m still a bit unfit, binge every now and then and have some extreme concerns regarding food and my fitness, as well as being worried about what the binging has done to my health. I’ve stopped focussing on being thin and focussed on getting fitter and stronger through building muscle, it seems to outsiders and some friends or family members as obsessive but I find it helps and the fitness lifestyle encourages me to care about myself more as a necessity. For now it’s a healthy compromise with eating.
I’ve been referred to Primary Care and treatment has just begun for the remaining difficulties regarding my self-esteem and healthily expressing my identity. I have a long way to go regarding self-care such as sleep hygiene and self-talk to manage my anxiety but I’ve had far fewer panic attacks and no serious sleep problems for a while (at least not those that weren’t self-induced). I’d like to get more confident, but I’ve re-established my old relationships and made some new friendships too. I’ve restarted doing the things I love such as reading, music, films and singing, but I look less for pseudo-‘intellectual’ stuff for the sake of it and for much more natural interests these days. I’m hoping to join a DramaSoc or BandSoc next year, and to not be quite as hard on myself regarding work but go out and have more fun, get to see the place better.
I’m also watching much more comedy and looking for the funnier, brighter side of every situation because positivity and respecting yourself while not taking anything too seriously is crucial to overcoming depression, as are learning the means to assert yourself rather than be passive/aggressive, and be mindful of the moment (best practised through meditation and mindful walking).

I’d like to thank both of my parents and all of my family for being a pillar of strength throughout, as well as all the staff in college who supported me. A special thanks to those few friends who stuck with me through the hard times, even when I went really crazy.
I generally feel far happier about life, and can currently live without my worries wrecking it all. They are definitely there that can’t be ignored, but I won’t let them destroy me.
It is a long slippery slope but there is always hope

[Fission_Mailed]

Sorry if this is a bit of an essay. The whole affair began pretty much exactly a year ago and writing it up has felt like some closure. I considered going anon but decided not to because **** it.

If you had told me two years ago that I was going to spend my second year at uni battling with depression I would have flat out refused to believe you. I was (am) a pretty extraverted guy, plenty of friends and I'm studying a course that I love, there was nothing in my life that should be making me unhappy. So when the summer after first year seemed to be dragging on and a bit of a malaise developed, I pretty much assumed that it was just boredom from being in crappy Devon living under somebody else's roof, doing my crappy job, instead of living it up as an independent man at uni. Over the weeks my mood became worse and worse and the boredom turned into this almost crippling loneliness; so when the middle of September came and I could move back out, I was pretty relieved- time to get back to the fun.

Only that didn't happen. Being back around people all the time with plenty of work to do only made things worse, and I became more and more withdrawn. I was spending all my free time shut away in my room feeling miserable. When I tried to engage with my friends it felt like a layer of gauze had been lowered between myself and the rest of the world, leaving me disconnected, out of sync. Aspects of my course that I had found difficult but powered through in first year suddenly became huge obstacles; I'd worry so much about a dissection that I wouldn't be able to do any proper prep for it, and on the day I'd often call in sick rather than face a dressing down for my lack of knowledge. The rest of my lectures suddenly became impenetrable and my attendence started to drop. While all this was happening, the loneliness only got worse and worse. Being around people didn't help, because I didn't feel like was operating on the same plane as everybody else.

Around this time my grandmother passed away. The event itself left me pretty ok after the initial shock, but in a way it was a relief, suddenly having a legitimate excuse to be so sad, to miss days of uni, to get a hug from my housemate that I couldn't ask for.

Things felt pretty grim in October, which is when I began to experience suicidal ideation. It was around this point that I realised there was most probably something up here beyond being a bit sad and lonely. I made an appointment with the university counselling service and another with my GP.

The counselling was brilliant; they saw me in a one on one session three days after I called up, after which I was invited to join a weekly group session. I feel that this experience really helped, and not just with the depression. Despite being "popular" and having plenty of genuine close friendships, I have never been able to form proper romantic relationships with other people, I just don't know how. Counselling helped drill down into this.

My experience with the GP was also good. Being a doctor at a campus practice, she was very used to dealing with this. I had already filled out the PHQ myself online, so after unloading what felt like my life story in one long consultation, she was able to offer me the diagnosis of clinical depression. We talked about treatment and I decided that medication and counselling together was what I wanted to do.

I started on 20mg Citalopram in mid to late November and initially it was horrible. Physically, I was exhausted, unable to make it to uni on some days and falling asleep in lectures on the days I did. Mentally, things took a dramatic turn for the worse. In our weekly sessions, some people would barely speak and some people would have a lot to say throughout the 2 hours. I was one of the talkers, but in the weeks after starting the meds I was virtually mute. I'd hang my head, occasionally crying silently, for the duration. The suicidal ideation became really terrible. These ideas came from nowhere and when they left I was filled with this overwhelming despair as I felt like I'd lost control of my mind.

Things started to improve after that. I had been regularly meeting my tutor since I was diagnosed, and he was very supportive, as were the faculty administrators. My extenuating circumstances forms were handed in 1 month before exams, and I went home at Christmas to have a rest and do some revision if I was able to.

In the event, the extenuating circumstances were approved but went unused. By new year I was already feeling better in myself and started to do some work. I revised smart, rather than hard, and was able to blag my way through the January exams. Things settled down into their rhythm and I just got on with my life again. There wasn't one day when I had gone to bed depressed and woken up normal again, it was far more subtle. It took me until late in February, when I was able to look back and realise how far I had come.

The rest of that year wasn't perfect, I had off days, but it was a world away from the previous semester. By May I felt sufficiently confident to stop taking my medication and, fingers crossed, everything had been good since that point. I still worry that it might come back, but I reassure myself that I know the nature of the beast now. Hopefully I can recognise a recurrence before it takes me too far down the rabbit hole.



TL;DR: Moderate endogenous depression at age 19/20 with suicidal ideation but no serious attempts on my own life. Treated successfully with counselling and Citalopram.

[Skinny3600]

Personal experiences:
Who you are

My name's Adam and I'm going to uni \o /

When it started

It all begun around October 2009 but It only became noticeable around march of 2010

How long you've had it

About two/three years

Official diagnosis

I have been diagnosed one moment as "Severely depressed" "Emotionally unstable" "Panic disorder", getting diagnosed as all these different things for the same problem is becoming a joke, and I am not sure I am being treated correctly which currently is non existant.

Therapy/medication

Counselling and seeing a Psychiatrist drew the conclusion that in my opinion they are useless and not actually out to help anyone, I was released multiple times, with them using the reasoning "He is not motivated to make any changes", which despite me making small steps which at the time I was proud I was making progress, these comments just pushed me back making any progress completely useless.

When it got worse/when it got better
It hit the peak twice, one was around July/August 2010 which is when I became numb enough and so distraught that self harm became common practice which has unfortunately left me baring scars. it then left me in an unmotivated useless state until i finally managed to get my confidence as a result of being so numb that I just didn't care anymore. This lead me to talking to people without caring if they thought I was an idiot or not and probably helped me get to the position I am in today where I have no problem talking to anyone about anything, whereas until this point I had a barrier up against any person outside of my friend group.

How has it affected your life?

It has honestly made me a stronger person in which I can brush things off and not be bothered by some things, but a lot more sensitive to emotion such as when a relationship (friendship/family) or something close to me effects me, which makes me feel I can be more emphatic towards other people.

How you are coping now.

Currently awaiting an appointment with the guy I have seen twice who is meant to by a "Psychological professional" and once finished the "interview" with a simple "I don't think there is anything we can do for you", so I have given up on the medical "profession" and I am concentrating on taking it one step at a time when I feel ready as opposed to forcing myself to do things as the profession seem to push me to do.

[Anonymous]

My name is Umair Ahmed and I've been suffering from depression for a number of years. I'm not 100% sure when it started, but i'm pretty sure it started when my father past away. From then on it all went downhill. My father's side of the family abandoned us and didn't want to know us anymore and soon my uncle (who was looking after our affairs) betrayed me and then my mother's side of the family began hate us too. I didn't really notice i had a problem until i looked back a few of our home videos when i was much younger. I was really happy and always laughing. Now i probably laugh once every month or 2. So more than 6 years.

I only got officially diagnosed last week when I told my doctor for the first time that I've been feeling like this for a while. He asked me a few questions and told me that I had depression. He's told me to get counselling. I refused to take medication at the moment and want to see how far the counselling goes. To be honest, it's never really gotten better. It's always been the same or worse. My friend committed suicide a few months ago and that made it a whole lot worse, as you would understand. He was a very close friend.

I don't make many friends as i am very shy and quiet, but when i do make friends they turn out to be best friends. At the moment i only have 2 friends that I regularly talk to and that is soon to stop too. One goes to uni and the other is working and has a whole heap of his own problems. So i really have no one to talk to and no friends. Which is why everything is becoming worse slowly.

I don't really cope. I just try to get on with things. I want to go to university in 2013 and i'm hopeful that i will make some really good for life friends there but that's a year away =(.

I have some cousins that are really close and they take away some of the sadness from time to time, but they don't understand what i'm going through because they don't really know what's going on in our family (they are distance cousins).

All in all, No contactable friends, No family and No one to talk to. So it sucks at the moment, but i'm hopeful that things will brighten up soon.

[Anonymous]

Please keep anonymous otherwise delete, I don't want others on tsr seeing me like this. My second post, and I find now that my new problem is I can always help others, but can never seem to help myself. I'm not looking for any advice or anything, as i'm sure I will get better, but right now i'm at the f*****g bottom of the barrel. This post is itself a mess, let alone me and sorry for the foul language used btw.

Let's make this plain and simple, my life since early teens has been one long, dark depression, mostly the result and culmination of tragic events, lack of trust, lack of confidence, cold-heartedness, poverty but most importantly loneliness. It's the loneliness that makes it worse because it leaves with too much time to think and overthink and then the negative thinking comes in. Lonely because of very very few friends, and most of family except a few are alot older than I am and had nothing to relate to me with apparently. I thought I had got rid of my depression last year and then I made my first post here back in the summer, but recently it's come back with such a vengance that I can't function properly.


Whenever something good seems to happen to me it turns out to be a poisoned chalice. I manage to f**k up every good opportunity I have even when it's near-impossible to f**k up, and the same for my attempts to better myself - I have only myself to blame. My mental health is so bad I think it's damaged my long-term social development


I suffer from really low self esteem, have tonnes of money issues (I very well could be homeless next year - but that's do with my landlord being a c**t), absolutely ****ing **** time in education, lost all faith in my religion and God. Had the 's' word lingering on my mind for years (no need to worry or panic, that was many years ago and I never did or will do anything irrational like that, I promise). Still am considered a social outcast
The only good thing I have are my grades - it should make me happy - but to me it's just ink on paper. I completely f**k up on friends and relationships which is why i'm at my grand old age and still haven't experienced many of the joys of youth and love outside family - I treasure that more than I would money even though money's important, having someone to talk to would make me more happy than being rich. My confidence is at an all time low.

I mean I know have the security of my parents and some family members - but let's face it - they're not going to live or be around forever and when they sadly pass, I know that i'm going to be by myself with most of the time spent at work - just working myself to the grave. I don't really get on with the rest of my family either (like I said before only a select few). Others are envious of millionaires and celebrities - i'm only envious of those with a healthy state of mind, a normal life and a normal family.

Only on TSR have I seen people with similar experiences to me, my area's full of c***s just milling around the joint, though everyone would probably think that i'm the biggest c**t that ever lived.

It's amazing that in a big city such as London which has so many people from different countries, you can get so dangerously lonely and invisible and find it hard to make any friendships at all. (Again I know, myself to blame)


However


I do not come across as this sort of person. I am perceived as confident and such and if you saw me in the street - by the way I dress, look, walk and act, depression would be the furthest thing from your mind. On TSR as well, i've given advice to others in my exact same position as if i've fully recovered from depression and this brash, social personality, but i'm not. I always seem to derive some sort of **** purpose from helping others even when it's me that needs the help or is suffering. I must seem like a whiny bastard

The thing is, I know how to achieve the things I want in life - it's just that I can never seem to get myself motivated enough to do it. It's easier said than done. I'm great at helping others with their problems (at work, neighbors, TSR, etc, always attempting to help others, motivate others, give advice) etc, but can never seem to help myself My aim in life is to just get my ****ing life in control and order because it all starts with me (no one can teach me these things) - see look i've identified what I have to do and I don't even do it. I can't even make sense of my situation from what i've written. I never ever thought I would be in this position, but as it stands I haven't yet fully recovered from depression. I just hope I can overcome it fully this time. Oh well, **** it, let me get another bottle of Jack Daniels to get me to sleep now.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this because I've never been officially diagnosed with depression. I'm not even sure if it's depression or something else but for the past year or so I've been feeling kind of unhinged. It's affected my relationships with my friends and my boyfriend, who recently broke up with me because he couldn't handle me anymore. I've been struggling to deal with normal things and it seems like I cry all the time. Sometimes I get really hysterical and almost have what my ex describes as a panic attack. I've spent a whole day crying hysterically because he wouldn't answer my phone call and towards the end of our relationship I became really clingy and relied on him too much. I'd get angry with him for trivial things and almost broke up with him on numerous occasions because I was paranoid about him cheating on me or was worried that he didn't care about me. It seems to be silly things that set me off and this makes things worse. I hate myself for being so weak and crying all the time but this usually leads to me becoming uncontrollably angry and I just end up hurting myself in some way. I've lost confidence in myself. I used to really enjoy horse riding but I can't anymore because I'm just too scared. I'm reluctant to even ride the horses at the stables I volunteer at, even though I know they're harmless because they've been specially trained to look after disabled riders. I don't know what's triggered all of this and I don't know how to stop it. I'm reluctant to waste the time of a counselor or a doctor about it because I feel like I'm wasting their time. I've always felt like I have no reason to be this way, all of my other friends have so many other problems to deal with. I don't have any family problems, was never bullied, I do reasonably well at school and I feel like I have no right to feel like this. I've only ever confided in my ex about it and I'm unwilling to tell anyone else. He says he still cares about me and wants to help but that he can't be with me when I'm like this. I still love him and didn't want to break up with him, I just want to be normal again so that I can try and make it up to him.

[Anonymous]

Hi there, just because you’ve had a privileged upbringing doesn’t mean you’re immune to suffering from depression or anxiety. Not all problems are related to upbringing, I too have suffered from depression and felt that I oughtn’t- also coming from a happy, wealthy family. I had to realise that it’s okay to be sad, or depressed- despite how good things seem from the outside. Saying you cannot suffer depression because you have a seemingly good life is like saying you cannot suffer measles or chickenpox. It can affect anyone, anywhere at any given time- and it’s perfectly natural and normal. I also recently went through a difficult break-up where I was also reliant on my partner. But after all the weeks of pain and emotion, I realised I shouldn’t need to rely on anyone to feel happy. A good relationship adds to how you feel, doesn’t subtract. It sounds that you did not trust him- I felt this way too. I felt as if I wasn’t good enough. You need to know you cannot trust him, or rid yourself of these suspicions because these trust issues stem from your own low self-esteem. Only you can change that about yourself. You cannot make yourself trust him, and you cannot make him take you back. That is his loss- you deserve to be happy, and be with someone that makes you happy. He did not make you happy- he was merely present. You need to learn to love yourself, be happy with yourself and be content with being in your own company before you can let others in.
From the sounds of it, you ought to see someone about your harming and low self-esteem. Just know that there is no shame in how you feel, that most people will feel this way at some point in your life and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. There are other ways to get rid of your anger other than harm- try going for a walk and get fresh air, read a book, listen to some music, take a relaxing bath. Try to do something productive and relaxing. You deserve to treat yourself, and relax. You need to look after yourself, both physically and mentally. You will feel much better when you realise how much you can do without him. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help- getting all these things off your chest to someone that can help will be cathartic for you. Do not feel that you are wasting Doctors’ time- it’s their job to listen and deal with your problems and believe me, they will have dealt with far more challenging issues. You don’t even need to tell a doctor- you can tell a teacher, parent/guardian/family member, friend or anyone you trust. You can even talk to me.

[DuncanJinks]

Who you are

Fresher (18)


When it started

Started having bouts of extreme "upset when I was about 9 when I realised I had many "best friends", but wasn't anybody else's "best friend". First self harm / fake suicide attempts when 13/14 after a girl whom I though at the time I loved hurt me badly. First serious suicide attempt [H2O2, guess it must have reduced before I took it as I'm still here] when I was 15, within a week stated a relationship with my now ex.It started badly with false pregnancy scare after first "**** buddy meet" (how I lost my virginity), to which she told her mum (her best friend) that I'd raped her to make her mum not have bad thoughts about her (only just found out this, 3 years later), so obviously had issues. We broke up 2 years after it started in a messy break-up (messiest I've ever seen/heard of) and I spent 1.5 months in a pit of hell of my own mind. It was at the end of that period we started going out again, we spent an amazing year together, 3 weeks ago, after a few arguments, we split up (freshers and everything), it was semi mutual as I see why she wouldn't want to be with me (I had major trust issues with her after first split)... but we said we'd always be friends (I still love her, she said she still loves me). I last spoke to her properly on Monday (her second day at freshers) and she reiterated our friendship, and another promise she'd made (she wouldn't be/couldn't think of being with another person for another year [I never expected her to last a whole year, but...]). On Thursday I find out she's shagging and has a proper relationship with another boy (a total lad stereotype, very different to me), and since that talk on Tuesday she's ignored or hung up every call I've made to her. She sent me a single text "Please dont ring me". Deleted me on Fb etcetc.
Lowest I've ever felt.
Feel very close to the end, even with support from my family who I've told how I am.

How long you've had it

Near enough all my life I've been me.

Official diagnosis

Gonna try get one on Monday.
(although family history of mental health issues and multiple members of direct family unit on anti-depressants)

Therapy/medication

Gonna try get some on Monday.

When it got worse/when it got better

Worse now (when I broke up with her, but I obviously had patches whilst we were going out, I was happy, she was, then the next day I felt like **** for no reason) ; better, Even when I'm with people here, it's not better; in the past, the only thing that got me out of it was being with this girl.


How has it affected your life?

Practically unbearable / tried to take my life / might again soon. I dream of committing suicide - completely subconsciously.


How you are coping now.


Tried to commit suicide last night, I phoned my sister to say sorry/good bye with the noose around my neck, but her tears managed to get me to go to hers instead (across the country). Doctors Monday (if I make it).



Just in case you read this;

I love you Rachel, and always will.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by DuncanJinks)
Who you are

Fresher (18)


When it started

Started having bouts of extreme "upset when I was about 9 when I realised I had many "best friends", but wasn't anybody else's "best friend". First self harm / fake suicide attempts when 13/14 after a girl whom I though at the time I loved hurt me badly. First serious suicide attempt [H2O2, guess it must have reduced before I took it as I'm still here] when I was 15, within a week stated a relationship with my now ex.It started badly with false pregnancy scare after first "**** buddy meet" (how I lost my virginity), to which she told her mum (her best friend) that I'd raped her to make her mum not have bad thoughts about her (only just found out this, 3 years later), so obviously had issues. We broke up 2 years after it started in a messy break-up (messiest I've ever seen/heard of) and I spent 1.5 months in a pit of hell of my own mind. It was at the end of that period we started going out again, we spent an amazing year together, 3 weeks ago, after a few arguments, we split up (freshers and everything), it was semi mutual as I see why she wouldn't want to be with me (I had major trust issues with her after first split)... but we said we'd always be friends (I still love her, she said she still loves me). I last spoke to her properly on Monday (her second day at freshers) and she reiterated our friendship, and another promise she'd made (she wouldn't be/couldn't think of being with another person for another year [I never expected her to last a whole year, but...]). On Thursday I find out she's shagging and has a proper relationship with another boy (a total lad stereotype, very different to me), and since that talk on Tuesday she's ignored or hung up every call I've made to her. She sent me a single text "Please dont ring me". Deleted me on Fb etcetc.
Lowest I've ever felt.
Feel very close to the end, even with support from my family who I've told how I am.

How long you've had it

Near enough all my life I've been me.

Official diagnosis

Gonna try get one on Monday.
(although family history of mental health issues and multiple members of direct family unit on anti-depressants)

Therapy/medication

Gonna try get some on Monday.

When it got worse/when it got better

Worse now (when I broke up with her, but I obviously had patches whilst we were going out, I was happy, she was, then the next day I felt like **** for no reason) ; better, Even when I'm with people here, it's not better; in the past, the only thing that got me out of it was being with this girl.


How has it affected your life?

Practically unbearable / tried to take my life / might again soon. I dream of committing suicide - completely subconsciously.


How you are coping now.


Tried to commit suicide last night, I phoned my sister to say sorry/good bye with the noose around my neck, but her tears managed to get me to go to hers instead (across the country). Doctors Monday (if I make it).



Just in case you read this;

I love you Rachel, and always will.

I had a similar experience recently, I had been going out with a boy for 3 years and I had some emotional issues going on and I was diagnosed with depression, although I'm not convinced that was the correct diagnosis. I relied on him for everything, he was pretty much my only emotional support. He finally decided he'd had enough and broke up with me. I was really upset, I thought he was the only thing that would make me better and things got worse for a few weeks after we broke up, I couldn't control the outbursts that I used to be able to hide from teachers, friends and family. We decided to stay friends but he messed me around a bit, telling me he still loved me and being overly touchy with me when we met up. At a party we both went to, he was trying to hit on other girls and had apparently been making claims to my friends that he was going to make a move on them. I was told that he had cheated numerous times during our relationship but had never told me, when I confronted him, he acted like a complete arse and tried to justify his actions.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is if she's treating you like this, she's not worth it and she's not the person you fell in love with. I don't know if I'm getting the wrong end of the stick but it seems like she's been messing around with your feelings. I can't imagine how hard it is for you just now, but please don't take your life. I know you said that even being with other people at uni isn't helping but you'll find someone who will help you through it and will appreciate you. If you ever need someone to talk to, just message me.

[DuncanJinks]

The doctor today told me i had to miss my lectures and go straight to the Mental health Crisis team in A+E, who, after a long psych analysis, didn't tell me anything except ask for contact numbers, and to see me at my GP on Wednesday (didn't really want them in my room)
Still don't know if I can make it till then, the only thing improving my days are nicotine fixes which I've just really (Saturday night) started as a habit, rather than my old 1-3 a month...

Can anyone suggest what to do, I think I'll be okay tonight, but I don't know if I'll be able to make it to 12 tomorrow, no matter Wednesday 4pm :/
I feel worse by the second :/

The only person I can talk to is my sister, and she's in Sheffield :/

[katie_cherry]

deleted

[katie_cherry]

deleted

[Disneylover12]

Ive been depressed since I was 11, im 19 now and still depressed. Been through an abusive relationship, had problem after problem in life, went through a confidence crisis always felt like an outsider. Had very few peoplee I could turn to in times of need. things spiraled out of controll started self harming at 14, very addictive. got put on citalopram at 18, was on that for a year. then something happened that made me felt like crap, got put on mirtazizapine. Citalopram gave me scary dreams usualy to do with suicide. increased sweating and my heart was beating hard, felt like it was going to jump out of its cage. then something happened which made me slit my wrisits, went back to docs got changed onto mirtazizpine, gets ur apetite back, knocks u out, hard to get up in the morning. sleepy most of the time. Had a **** life= depression.

[Gettingthere]

(Original post by Ape Gone Insane)
Personal experiences:

• Who you are
• When it started
• How long you've had it
• Official diagnosis
• Therapy/medication
• When it got worse/when it got better
• How has it affected your life?
• How you are coping now.

Wow. I'm Chloe, I've been suffering for a year and a half, so, since when I just turned 15.

When I was 15, my mum went mad. Thinking everyone was conspiring against her. Which obviously wasn't true. She accused my stepfather of inducing her seizures (she's severely epileptic). Yeah it was crazy.

Broke down more than a few times, so my body shut down, I went numb for what felt like forever. Saw a doctor, diagnosed with PTSD and depression in May 2011.

Since then my life has been a rollercoaster of rising and falling. Been good for two months, fell again for two months. That happens, that's life for me, often on more of a short-term basis. Up and down 6 or 7 times every day. Never OK. Always amazing or terrible.

Went on fluoxetine sometime, it make the swings worse, then went on carbomazepine. And that does nothing either, other than screw up my periods.

I tried to kill myself twice in summer. I won't go into details for obvious reasons. They wanted me to go to hospital, I point-blank refused.

And I lived to tell the tale.

Got 11 A*s at GCSE through perseverance and sheer determination. AMAZING.

I have days where I want to die, or want to sleep forever, or want to give up fighting and do I don't even know what.

Then I have days where I could hug everyone and dance forever and cartwheel one million times.

It's hard. It's really hard.

Had a bad, bad weak. But I have the most amazing support, luckily for me.

I will Comeback.

[DuncanJinks]

(Original post by Gettingthere)
Wow. I'm Chloe, I've been suffering for a year and a half, so, since when I just turned 15.

When I was 15, my mum went mad. Thinking everyone was conspiring against her. Which obviously wasn't true. She accused my stepfather of inducing her seizures (she's severely epileptic). Yeah it was crazy.

Broke down more than a few times, so my body shut down, I went numb for what felt like forever. Saw a doctor, diagnosed with PTSD and depression in May 2011.

Since then my life has been a rollercoaster of rising and falling. Been good for two months, fell again for two months. That happens, that's life for me, often on more of a short-term basis. Up and down 6 or 7 times every day. Never OK. Always amazing or terrible.

Went on fluoxetine sometime, it make the swings worse, then went on carbomazepine. And that does nothing either, other than screw up my periods.

I tried to kill myself twice in summer. I won't go into details for obvious reasons. They wanted me to go to hospital, I point-blank refused.

And I lived to tell the tale.

Got 11 A*s at GCSE through perseverance and sheer determination. AMAZING.

I have days where I want to die, or want to sleep forever, or want to give up fighting and do I don't even know what.

Then I have days where I could hug everyone and dance forever and cartwheel one million times.

It's hard. It's really hard.

Had a bad, bad weak. But I have the most amazing support, luckily for me.

I will Comeback.

If you have the support, the friends there, that's what matters - My "safety net" as the doctors like to call it is my family. I can't really fall back on them (I probably could, but in my head I can't) But I don't wanna hurt them, its a great way of keeping myself from killing myself. Always remember, it's not just how you feel.

What I've gone through is nothing compared to you, but the feelings people share in this experience must be the same, that rock bottom low, so well done for pulling through... have a cookie

How's Fluoxetine Hydrochloride? My psych discharged me 2 weeks ago(from the mental health crisis team unit), and that night I almost topped myself, even the "safety net" failed... told my (new) GP this today, she ran a couple of tests which came out as 'Severely depressed' and just prescribed it... starting it tomorrow morning.
Any bad side effects you've had?


Also, anyone know of the effects of drinking when on Fluoxetine Hydrochloride? Thanks

[Sabertooth]

(Original post by DuncanJinks)
How's Fluoxetine Hydrochloride? My psych discharged me 2 weeks ago(from the mental health crisis team unit), and that night I almost topped myself, even the "safety net" failed... told my (new) GP this today, she ran a couple of tests which came out as 'Severely depressed' and just prescribed it... starting it tomorrow morning.
Any bad side effects you've had?


Also, anyone know of the effects of drinking when on Fluoxetine Hydrochloride? Thanks

You'll probably find you feel the effects of alcohol a lot quicker. When I've drunk on SSRIs I find that I'm pretty drunk after just a couple of drinks, they made me such a lightweight. Alcohol isn't advised but if you're going to drink do it with people you know and make sure you take it slow.

I had a somewhat atypical reaction to fluoxetine so I'm not going to go into detail about that but you might feel nauseous, get a headache, weird dreams, struggle sleeping/sleeping too much, maybe a decrease in your sex drive. Most of this should wear off in a couple of weeks. Don't expect to see any real positive change for 6-8 weeks.

Good luck!

[DuncanJinks]

(Original post by Sabertooth)
You'll probably find you feel the effects of alcohol a lot quicker. When I've drunk on SSRIs I find that I'm pretty drunk after just a couple of drinks, they made me such a lightweight. Alcohol isn't advised but if you're going to drink do it with people you know and make sure you take it slow.

I had a somewhat atypical reaction to fluoxetine so I'm not going to go into detail about that but you might feel nauseous, get a headache, weird dreams, struggle sleeping/sleeping too much, maybe a decrease in your sex drive. Most of this should wear off in a couple of weeks. Don't expect to see any real positive change for 6-8 weeks.

Good luck!

Thankyou, very helpful.. i've read that side effects stuff in the leaflet, not great but not certain too happen... what happened to you? My GP only gave me 14days worth so she can check to see if it's having side effects before proper repeat prescriptions. What did happen to you?

Thankyou for the alcohol advice literally it says "Do not drink alcohol whilst taking fluoxetine." in small writing, i mean, how helpful is that???
So, its okay to drink, just take it real slow and steady in safe company?

Ta