Worried about stuff I've done on webcam
Hi,
Around 6 months ago I went on a webcam sex site and pretty quickly I got addicted to it. I realised I was going on almost every night and was looking forward to it during the day. I always felt terrible about it after, but I sill retured there time and time again. (Timewise, it clashed with a period when things where going very badly for me -for other reasons- and I think I was almost indulging in how bad it felt, if you know what I mean. Everytime I felt bad about it, I would think something like "I'm so pathetic I may as well do it now", ad it would just snowball out of control.) It also messed up my sleeping pattern terribly - so it was actually coming to the point of interfering with my daily life.
Thankfully, however, I've not been on them for almost one month now, so perhaps I'm getting over them. (It's been a real struggle though; I hope I'm not gonna go back. I've said I'd quit them before.)
But I realise it's still affecting my life: basically, I fear what I've done on cam will somehow be seen by everyone. I'm currently in a state of complete anxiety and fear because of it. I can't enjoy my normal day-to-day life because I worry about this. I don't laugh, smile or have fun any more. I would do anything to be able to go back 6 months and never go on these sites.
I think, in posting this, I'm looking for (very optimistically) assurance that nothing will come of the sexual stuff I did on webcam - although I know I can't be guaranteed of this; indeed, far from it. More than anything though, I'm probably just expressing my feelings and am looking for some help from others. As you can imagine, it's not something I can bring up with my friends or family, so I'm pretty much alone in this.
If anyone who has any knowledge on how people get filmed on their webcams, or how frequently that sort of thing happens, please share, so I can at least have some idea of how likely it is that something will come of what I've done. Over the course of the 4-5 months I was going on these sites, there were probably around 20-30 full-on "sessions" with webcam (at other times, I woud not have the webcam on, I'd just watch others, or sometimes I'd just be there - the delights of addiction). Of these sessions they were all girls in their twenties (I'm 22), and they mostly seemed pretty normal (if we're not gonna judge by the fact that they're going on these sites, if further that is not normal). It seemed pretty much like they were just horny and were looking for some fun, so it didn't feel like they'd do anything with the video after. But then, I don't even know these people.
What I'm worried about most of all are the 2 or 3 times I did stuff where the person on the other side had no audio, because pretty soon it would be clear that there was no "interaction", i.e. it was not a "real" video, but a previously recorded video. I'm terrified at the thought of who was on the other side then, and what they'd do with the video. Although in these instances I stopped pretty quickly, I'd still done sexually explicit and embarassing stuff.
I would love it if someone would tell me "people do get recorded, but it's extremely rare" or "only 1 in 10000 people on these webcam sex sites look to take advantage of people on webcam", but both these statements are just fantasies of mine. I just wish I could go back 6 months ago, and never have gone on these sites.
It's now as if all the colour has gone from my life. It's tarnished with this disgusting blotch, where I've been so stupidly horny that I've had camsex with strangers off the internet. To be honest, I deserve whatever I get. I'd still do anything to get rid of the feelings I have now though: fear and anxiety but also the self-loathing. I feel as though I've let my family and friends down (even though they have no idea of course) and that I'm not "true" any more.
I don't even know what answers I'm gonna get or what answers I'm looking for. This is perhaps just a lament about my sad, sad situation. Anyone who's ever felt as bad please share with me, and give me some hope.
Thanks.
Around 6 months ago I went on a webcam sex site and pretty quickly I got addicted to it. I realised I was going on almost every night and was looking forward to it during the day. I always felt terrible about it after, but I sill retured there time and time again. (Timewise, it clashed with a period when things where going very badly for me -for other reasons- and I think I was almost indulging in how bad it felt, if you know what I mean. Everytime I felt bad about it, I would think something like "I'm so pathetic I may as well do it now", ad it would just snowball out of control.) It also messed up my sleeping pattern terribly - so it was actually coming to the point of interfering with my daily life.
Thankfully, however, I've not been on them for almost one month now, so perhaps I'm getting over them. (It's been a real struggle though; I hope I'm not gonna go back. I've said I'd quit them before.)
But I realise it's still affecting my life: basically, I fear what I've done on cam will somehow be seen by everyone. I'm currently in a state of complete anxiety and fear because of it. I can't enjoy my normal day-to-day life because I worry about this. I don't laugh, smile or have fun any more. I would do anything to be able to go back 6 months and never go on these sites.
I think, in posting this, I'm looking for (very optimistically) assurance that nothing will come of the sexual stuff I did on webcam - although I know I can't be guaranteed of this; indeed, far from it. More than anything though, I'm probably just expressing my feelings and am looking for some help from others. As you can imagine, it's not something I can bring up with my friends or family, so I'm pretty much alone in this.
If anyone who has any knowledge on how people get filmed on their webcams, or how frequently that sort of thing happens, please share, so I can at least have some idea of how likely it is that something will come of what I've done. Over the course of the 4-5 months I was going on these sites, there were probably around 20-30 full-on "sessions" with webcam (at other times, I woud not have the webcam on, I'd just watch others, or sometimes I'd just be there - the delights of addiction). Of these sessions they were all girls in their twenties (I'm 22), and they mostly seemed pretty normal (if we're not gonna judge by the fact that they're going on these sites, if further that is not normal). It seemed pretty much like they were just horny and were looking for some fun, so it didn't feel like they'd do anything with the video after. But then, I don't even know these people.
What I'm worried about most of all are the 2 or 3 times I did stuff where the person on the other side had no audio, because pretty soon it would be clear that there was no "interaction", i.e. it was not a "real" video, but a previously recorded video. I'm terrified at the thought of who was on the other side then, and what they'd do with the video. Although in these instances I stopped pretty quickly, I'd still done sexually explicit and embarassing stuff.
I would love it if someone would tell me "people do get recorded, but it's extremely rare" or "only 1 in 10000 people on these webcam sex sites look to take advantage of people on webcam", but both these statements are just fantasies of mine. I just wish I could go back 6 months ago, and never have gone on these sites.
It's now as if all the colour has gone from my life. It's tarnished with this disgusting blotch, where I've been so stupidly horny that I've had camsex with strangers off the internet. To be honest, I deserve whatever I get. I'd still do anything to get rid of the feelings I have now though: fear and anxiety but also the self-loathing. I feel as though I've let my family and friends down (even though they have no idea of course) and that I'm not "true" any more.
I don't even know what answers I'm gonna get or what answers I'm looking for. This is perhaps just a lament about my sad, sad situation. Anyone who's ever felt as bad please share with me, and give me some hope.
Thanks.
If it makes you feel any better I went through a similar phase when I was a young teenager. I think a lot of people do. Several years later and, nothing ever came of it.
It's not my place or anyone elses to judge what you do in your spare time, but I would say if you ever do anything like this in the future just be very careful to conceal your identity.
It's not my place or anyone elses to judge what you do in your spare time, but I would say if you ever do anything like this in the future just be very careful to conceal your identity.
I can't give you the answers that you want because frankly, I have no clue how often it happens that these stuff get recorded and out there. However, EVEN IF someone has posted them on a porn site or something, sure they'd be easy to find so you could do a search and see if you can see yourself anywhere I guess? <-- that is, if they are even allowed by those websites to post on porn websites. Apart from porn websites, where else could your relatives/friends see you? Nowhere really, unless one of these people you webcamed with knows your family/friends and would actually tell them (unlikely since by telling them, he/she would also be revealing that they go on these websites).
If it makes you feel any better, I have done it too - not in sex websites but with random guys on msn lol My mum almost caught me once
I don't feel bad about it and I don't think it's anything to be embarrassed about! I don't understand why people look down upon it. I was horny and so was he, we both enjoyed it. It's nobody else's business.
I see it as just another healthy expression of sexuality (sure, sometimes it can have negative consequences but that's because people are mean, it's not your fault). Just relax about it, you haven't done anything wrong! Even if someone does find out (which I find very unlikely), so what? It's your life, your body, your sexuality
Many people get a thrill out of it, the fact that you and I are one of these people is not something negative nor shameful.
If it makes you feel any better, I have done it too - not in sex websites but with random guys on msn lol My mum almost caught me once
I don't feel bad about it and I don't think it's anything to be embarrassed about! I don't understand why people look down upon it. I was horny and so was he, we both enjoyed it. It's nobody else's business.
I see it as just another healthy expression of sexuality (sure, sometimes it can have negative consequences but that's because people are mean, it's not your fault). Just relax about it, you haven't done anything wrong! Even if someone does find out (which I find very unlikely), so what? It's your life, your body, your sexuality
Many people get a thrill out of it, the fact that you and I are one of these people is not something negative nor shameful.
Original post by Anonymous
If it makes you feel any better I went through a similar phase when I was a young teenager. I think a lot of people do. Several years later and, nothing ever came of it.
It's not my place or anyone elses to judge what you do in your spare time, but I would say if you ever do anything like this in the future just be very careful to conceal your identity.
It's not my place or anyone elses to judge what you do in your spare time, but I would say if you ever do anything like this in the future just be very careful to conceal your identity.
Original post by Emmak7
I can't give you the answers that you want because frankly, I have no clue how often it happens that these stuff get recorded and out there. However, EVEN IF someone has posted them on a porn site or something, sure they'd be easy to find so you could do a search and see if you can see yourself anywhere I guess? <-- that is, if they are even allowed by those websites to post on porn websites. Apart from porn websites, where else could your relatives/friends see you? Nowhere really, unless one of these people you webcamed with knows your family/friends and would actually tell them (unlikely since by telling them, he/she would also be revealing that they go on these websites).
If it makes you feel any better, I have done it too - not in sex websites but with random guys on msn lol My mum almost caught me once
I don't feel bad about it and I don't think it's anything to be embarrassed about! I don't understand why people look down upon it. I was horny and so was he, we both enjoyed it. It's nobody else's business.
I see it as just another healthy expression of sexuality (sure, sometimes it can have negative consequences but that's because people are mean, it's not your fault). Just relax about it, you haven't done anything wrong! Even if someone does find out (which I find very unlikely), so what? It's your life, your body, your sexuality
Many people get a thrill out of it, the fact that you and I are one of these people is not something negative nor shameful.
If it makes you feel any better, I have done it too - not in sex websites but with random guys on msn lol My mum almost caught me once
I don't feel bad about it and I don't think it's anything to be embarrassed about! I don't understand why people look down upon it. I was horny and so was he, we both enjoyed it. It's nobody else's business.
I see it as just another healthy expression of sexuality (sure, sometimes it can have negative consequences but that's because people are mean, it's not your fault). Just relax about it, you haven't done anything wrong! Even if someone does find out (which I find very unlikely), so what? It's your life, your body, your sexuality
Many people get a thrill out of it, the fact that you and I are one of these people is not something negative nor shameful.
Thank you both for your replies. I have to tell you that I can't stress enough how nice it is to hear you both say that I've not done anything wrong and shouldn't worry about it. That alone makes me feel so much better, cause, as I say, I was completely alone in it otherwise. So thank you.
I know, when I'm rational about it, that I've done nothing "wrong" - but it doesn't mean I still don't feel the guilt unfortunately. It affects my relationships with people, I feel my friends and family are now further away - I feel as though getting close to them carries the risk of hurting them should I find out. For example, I've realised I've become much more afraid of getting into a relationship since I fear the embarassment for the other person.
For the "finding the video" comment: I don't think it would be easy to find since I never put my name down or anything, and they'd probably be on some really weird corner of the internet.
Thank you both for the replies. They really have made me feel a bit better, genuinely. So thanks
Original post by Anonymous
I know, when I'm rational about it, that I've done nothing "wrong" - but it doesn't mean I still don't feel the guilt unfortunately. It affects my relationships with people, I feel my friends and family are now further away - I feel as though getting close to them carries the risk of hurting them should I find out. For example, I've realised I've become much more afraid of getting into a relationship since I fear the embarassment for the other person.
I know, when I'm rational about it, that I've done nothing "wrong" - but it doesn't mean I still don't feel the guilt unfortunately. It affects my relationships with people, I feel my friends and family are now further away - I feel as though getting close to them carries the risk of hurting them should I find out. For example, I've realised I've become much more afraid of getting into a relationship since I fear the embarassment for the other person.
My honest advice about that would be to be completely open about what you've done. I realise that it's very hard, and you don't have to tell everyone lol
But when it comes to getting into a relationship, I would definitely advice you to tell your partner what you've done and how you feel about it. Apart from the massive relief, it's great foundation for a relationship built on trust and honesty. And tbh, you'd know if your partner is worth your time by the reaction you'll get from them. If he/she can't handle your past, are they really worth your time and effort?? I've been in a relationship for about a year now and I've told my bf about my online sexual activities
It really helps the relationship and yourself to be open and honest. When it comes to your family and friends, there's really no need to say anything... I mean, I've told some friends but my family tends to be quite judgemental and not very open minded. I guess in the same way that I wouldn't tell my grandmother that I'm an atheist (she'll be very saddened!), I wouldn't tell my family about what I've done online. That's a case where you're going to have to deal with your feelings yourself. And tbh, if you do manage to deal with those feelings yourself, you might not even need to tell your future partner because you'll feel fine and you'll forgotten all about it!
The advice I have given you is totally based on my own experience. The reasons why I told my bf and didnt tell my family is because the former is open minded, and I want him to know everything while my family is a bit narrow minded and judgemental. I have no clue what your family/friends are like so you'd need to decide for yourself IF you want to tell anyone at all.
Original post by Emmak7
My honest advice about that would be to be completely open about what you've done. I realise that it's very hard, and you don't have to tell everyone lol
But when it comes to getting into a relationship, I would definitely advice you to tell your partner what you've done and how you feel about it. Apart from the massive relief, it's great foundation for a relationship built on trust and honesty. And tbh, you'd know if your partner is worth your time by the reaction you'll get from them. If he/she can't handle your past, are they really worth your time and effort?? I've been in a relationship for about a year now and I've told my bf about my online sexual activities It really helps the relationship and yourself to be open and honest.
When it comes to your family and friends, there's really no need to say anything... I mean, I've told some friends but my family tends to be quite judgemental and not very open minded. I guess in the same way that I wouldn't tell my grandmother that I'm an atheist (she'll be very saddened!), I wouldn't tell my family about what I've done online. That's a case where you're going to have to deal with your feelings yourself. And tbh, if you do manage to deal with those feelings yourself, you might not even need to tell your future partner because you'll feel fine and you'll forgotten all about it!
The advice I have given you is totally based on my own experience. The reasons why I told my bf and didnt tell my family is because the former is open minded, and I want him to know everything while my family is a bit narrow minded and judgemental. I have no clue what your family/friends are like so you'd need to decide for yourself IF you want to tell anyone at all.
But when it comes to getting into a relationship, I would definitely advice you to tell your partner what you've done and how you feel about it. Apart from the massive relief, it's great foundation for a relationship built on trust and honesty. And tbh, you'd know if your partner is worth your time by the reaction you'll get from them. If he/she can't handle your past, are they really worth your time and effort?? I've been in a relationship for about a year now and I've told my bf about my online sexual activities
It really helps the relationship and yourself to be open and honest. When it comes to your family and friends, there's really no need to say anything... I mean, I've told some friends but my family tends to be quite judgemental and not very open minded. I guess in the same way that I wouldn't tell my grandmother that I'm an atheist (she'll be very saddened!), I wouldn't tell my family about what I've done online. That's a case where you're going to have to deal with your feelings yourself. And tbh, if you do manage to deal with those feelings yourself, you might not even need to tell your future partner because you'll feel fine and you'll forgotten all about it!
The advice I have given you is totally based on my own experience. The reasons why I told my bf and didnt tell my family is because the former is open minded, and I want him to know everything while my family is a bit narrow minded and judgemental. I have no clue what your family/friends are like so you'd need to decide for yourself IF you want to tell anyone at all.
This is a very intelligent post. It's true what you say. I'll consider sharing it then, if I feel it would be a good thing to do. Of course, I could never tell my family, and with friends I'm not sure.
Thanks for all your help.
