Stop family from affecting me
I am fed up with the way my family and generally other people's opinions are affecting me.
I have a mum whom I think is suffering from depression. She is a constant worrier, it is rare that I ever see her content, let alone happy. She focuses on the negatives in life and her stress and tension is giving her physical problems. She has blamed my sister and me for them in the past, if we don't pass exams, spend too much money etc.
My sister is a mood-swingy type as well. She is quite competitive and she's had a great deal of arguments with our parents, especially our stepfather. I sometimes feel like she's thinking I'm "let off" too easily. She can sometimes take my side, but she doesn't want things to be too comfortable for me either. If my mum is angry with me, she will never hesitate about letting me know.
I'm 22 and I live abroad (have for over three years) and I am quite independent. However conflicts with the family is always getting in the way. If my mum is upset, as she always is, she goes to my sister and talks about me behind my back or send negative emails. Now I'm talking to my sister on facebook, as always and her messages are quite "short". I don't know if she's in a generally bad mood or if she is angry with me for some reason. You never know.
I wish I could just let these things go but I hate passive aggression and it's just getting to me. It's gotten to the point know where I am afraid I've "inherited" my mum's depression. I have difficulties being happy and it gets worse when she loves playing the victim and make me feel guilty for anything. We don't have very "open communication" in my family.
Has anyone had this experience but become better at pushing things away? I used to think my parents were always right, but I've begun to see the irrationality in my mum's behaviour. I'd love to be a type of person who could put it behind me, think "whatever", and go on to have a happy day.
Anyone have advice?
I have a mum whom I think is suffering from depression. She is a constant worrier, it is rare that I ever see her content, let alone happy. She focuses on the negatives in life and her stress and tension is giving her physical problems. She has blamed my sister and me for them in the past, if we don't pass exams, spend too much money etc.
My sister is a mood-swingy type as well. She is quite competitive and she's had a great deal of arguments with our parents, especially our stepfather. I sometimes feel like she's thinking I'm "let off" too easily. She can sometimes take my side, but she doesn't want things to be too comfortable for me either. If my mum is angry with me, she will never hesitate about letting me know.
I'm 22 and I live abroad (have for over three years) and I am quite independent. However conflicts with the family is always getting in the way. If my mum is upset, as she always is, she goes to my sister and talks about me behind my back or send negative emails. Now I'm talking to my sister on facebook, as always and her messages are quite "short". I don't know if she's in a generally bad mood or if she is angry with me for some reason. You never know.
I wish I could just let these things go but I hate passive aggression and it's just getting to me. It's gotten to the point know where I am afraid I've "inherited" my mum's depression. I have difficulties being happy and it gets worse when she loves playing the victim and make me feel guilty for anything. We don't have very "open communication" in my family.
Has anyone had this experience but become better at pushing things away? I used to think my parents were always right, but I've begun to see the irrationality in my mum's behaviour. I'd love to be a type of person who could put it behind me, think "whatever", and go on to have a happy day.
Anyone have advice?
Original post by Millie228
I am fed up with the way my family and generally other people's opinions are affecting me.
I have a mum whom I think is suffering from depression. She is a constant worrier, it is rare that I ever see her content, let alone happy. She focuses on the negatives in life and her stress and tension is giving her physical problems. She has blamed my sister and me for them in the past, if we don't pass exams, spend too much money etc.
My sister is a mood-swingy type as well. She is quite competitive and she's had a great deal of arguments with our parents, especially our stepfather. I sometimes feel like she's thinking I'm "let off" too easily. She can sometimes take my side, but she doesn't want things to be too comfortable for me either. If my mum is angry with me, she will never hesitate about letting me know.
I'm 22 and I live abroad (have for over three years) and I am quite independent. However conflicts with the family is always getting in the way. If my mum is upset, as she always is, she goes to my sister and talks about me behind my back or send negative emails. Now I'm talking to my sister on facebook, as always and her messages are quite "short". I don't know if she's in a generally bad mood or if she is angry with me for some reason. You never know.
I wish I could just let these things go but I hate passive aggression and it's just getting to me. It's gotten to the point know where I am afraid I've "inherited" my mum's depression. I have difficulties being happy and it gets worse when she loves playing the victim and make me feel guilty for anything. We don't have very "open communication" in my family.
Has anyone had this experience but become better at pushing things away? I used to think my parents were always right, but I've begun to see the irrationality in my mum's behaviour. I'd love to be a type of person who could put it behind me, think "whatever", and go on to have a happy day.
Anyone have advice?
I have a mum whom I think is suffering from depression. She is a constant worrier, it is rare that I ever see her content, let alone happy. She focuses on the negatives in life and her stress and tension is giving her physical problems. She has blamed my sister and me for them in the past, if we don't pass exams, spend too much money etc.
My sister is a mood-swingy type as well. She is quite competitive and she's had a great deal of arguments with our parents, especially our stepfather. I sometimes feel like she's thinking I'm "let off" too easily. She can sometimes take my side, but she doesn't want things to be too comfortable for me either. If my mum is angry with me, she will never hesitate about letting me know.
I'm 22 and I live abroad (have for over three years) and I am quite independent. However conflicts with the family is always getting in the way. If my mum is upset, as she always is, she goes to my sister and talks about me behind my back or send negative emails. Now I'm talking to my sister on facebook, as always and her messages are quite "short". I don't know if she's in a generally bad mood or if she is angry with me for some reason. You never know.
I wish I could just let these things go but I hate passive aggression and it's just getting to me. It's gotten to the point know where I am afraid I've "inherited" my mum's depression. I have difficulties being happy and it gets worse when she loves playing the victim and make me feel guilty for anything. We don't have very "open communication" in my family.
Has anyone had this experience but become better at pushing things away? I used to think my parents were always right, but I've begun to see the irrationality in my mum's behaviour. I'd love to be a type of person who could put it behind me, think "whatever", and go on to have a happy day.
Anyone have advice?
The first thing to remember is that your mother has a problem.
The 2nd thing is that your mother is getting some sort of peculiar satisfaction from making you feel guilty. Some parents do this.
You can't change the way your mother behaves, only she can do that.
What is important is to not let your mother get her satisfaction by making you feel guilty as this is your mother behaving appallingly to her child, you.
Now the difficult bit. Because your mother is making you feel bad about yourself so that she can get satisfaction, you have to not put yourself into the position where she can do this. So if you can see one of these situations starting take yourself out of it.
Some parents behave very badly towards their children and use things like emotional blackmail etc. You do not have to put up with this.
It is very difficult to start with but you have to control the situation and not let your mother make you feel guilty when she starts to play the victim. If she continues to make you feel bad and guilty you may have to limit your exposure to it. It is not acceptable for your mother's bad behaviour to affect your mental health, and if you feel better if you don't have to deal with her then that is your course of action until she starts to behave properly.
Original post by draghm
The first thing to remember is that your mother has a problem.
The 2nd thing is that your mother is getting some sort of peculiar satisfaction from making you feel guilty. Some parents do this.
You can't change the way your mother behaves, only she can do that.
What is important is to not let your mother get her satisfaction by making you feel guilty as this is your mother behaving appallingly to her child, you.
Now the difficult bit. Because your mother is making you feel bad about yourself so that she can get satisfaction, you have to not put yourself into the position where she can do this. So if you can see one of these situations starting take yourself out of it.
Some parents behave very badly towards their children and use things like emotional blackmail etc. You do not have to put up with this.
It is very difficult to start with but you have to control the situation and not let your mother make you feel guilty when she starts to play the victim. If she continues to make you feel bad and guilty you may have to limit your exposure to it. It is not acceptable for your mother's bad behaviour to affect your mental health, and if you feel better if you don't have to deal with her then that is your course of action until she starts to behave properly.
The 2nd thing is that your mother is getting some sort of peculiar satisfaction from making you feel guilty. Some parents do this.
You can't change the way your mother behaves, only she can do that.
What is important is to not let your mother get her satisfaction by making you feel guilty as this is your mother behaving appallingly to her child, you.
Now the difficult bit. Because your mother is making you feel bad about yourself so that she can get satisfaction, you have to not put yourself into the position where she can do this. So if you can see one of these situations starting take yourself out of it.
Some parents behave very badly towards their children and use things like emotional blackmail etc. You do not have to put up with this.
It is very difficult to start with but you have to control the situation and not let your mother make you feel guilty when she starts to play the victim. If she continues to make you feel bad and guilty you may have to limit your exposure to it. It is not acceptable for your mother's bad behaviour to affect your mental health, and if you feel better if you don't have to deal with her then that is your course of action until she starts to behave properly.
Thanks for the reply. Emotional blackmail is a good term, I've called it emotional terrorism before. It's a bit as if she doesn't want everybody else to be too happy if she's miserable. She's commented before that my lifestyle is more affluent than hers, which is wrong because I'm 22 and she's 56. It's not actually true, she and my stepdad live in this great place with two cars and three country houses. Only difference is I spend more on clothes and experiences, she COULD do that but chooses not to, because they are so ridiculously concerned with decorum and that others don't think they're snobby or whatever. Yet they have so many opinions on what others do. Every time I'm home they spend the days talking about people, his/her son do that, how can he take that education, they have no sense, talk about wasting your life, blabla. Every conversation we have is a lecture in one form or another where they're telling me what to do with my life.
I'm so used to spend so much time with them growing up, we had 3-hour dinners every day having long conversations that I'm used to following their ideals. But I'm begnning to realize their opinions aren't always right. For example I think you should pursue a profession you love. I don't think there is anything wrong with a girl wearing a short or low cut dress once in a while as long as it's tasteful and I don't think I need an MBA to prove I'm a good person. It's just a very difficult process to break loose from all of that...
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Millie228
Thanks for the reply. Emotional blackmail is a good term, I've called it emotional terrorism before. It's a bit as if she doesn't want everybody else to be too happy if she's miserable. She's commented before that my lifestyle is more affluent than hers, which is wrong because I'm 22 and she's 56. It's not actually true, she and my stepdad live in this great place with two cars and three country houses. Only difference is I spend more on clothes and experiences, she COULD do that but chooses not to, because they are so ridiculously concerned with decorum and that others don't think they're snobby or whatever. Yet they have so many opinions on what others do. Every time I'm home they spend the days talking about people, his/her son do that, how can he take that education, they have no sense, talk about wasting your life, blabla. Every conversation we have is a lecture in one form or another where they're telling me what to do with my life.
I'm so used to spend so much time with them growing up, we had 3-hour dinners every day having long conversations that I'm used to following their ideals. But I'm begnning to realize their opinions aren't always right. For example I think you should pursue a profession you love. I don't think there is anything wrong with a girl wearing a short or low cut dress once in a while as long as it's tasteful and I don't think I need an MBA to prove I'm a good person. It's just a very difficult process to break loose from all of that...
I'm so used to spend so much time with them growing up, we had 3-hour dinners every day having long conversations that I'm used to following their ideals. But I'm begnning to realize their opinions aren't always right. For example I think you should pursue a profession you love. I don't think there is anything wrong with a girl wearing a short or low cut dress once in a while as long as it's tasteful and I don't think I need an MBA to prove I'm a good person. It's just a very difficult process to break loose from all of that...
They must be very good at mind reading if they really think that they know that other people are thinking that they are snobby?
The thing is that people have different opinions about life, that is what makes discussions so interesting. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion about how to run their life, it is after all their life.
Your mother should be pleased that you are doing so well, and not be critical.
If you don't want an MBA then you don't have to have one. It sounds as if your mother has plenty of spare time to study for one herself.....
Original post by draghm
They must be very good at mind reading if they really think that they know that other people are thinking that they are snobby?
The thing is that people have different opinions about life, that is what makes discussions so interesting. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion about how to run their life, it is after all their life.
Your mother should be pleased that you are doing so well, and not be critical.
If you don't want an MBA then you don't have to have one. It sounds as if your mother has plenty of spare time to study for one herself.....
The thing is that people have different opinions about life, that is what makes discussions so interesting. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion about how to run their life, it is after all their life.
Your mother should be pleased that you are doing so well, and not be critical.
If you don't want an MBA then you don't have to have one. It sounds as if your mother has plenty of spare time to study for one herself.....
That's probably true..She works part time, three days per week and not very long days either. Our stepdad is 17 years older than her and retired a long time ago. I know they're waiting for her to retire as well so they can travel more together etc. I'm just afraid she's getting old before her time and I'm worried that lack of daily routine will make her even more depressed as she has more time to think. She's one of those people who "always have so much to do", but not really, you know?
I know what she means by my spending. She has a share in my flat which I need to pay her back. But to be honest, I did not ask her for it, I wanted to get a cheaper flat but she bought it for me and put the money in herself. When we discussed it at first and she was happy about it, she told me not to worry and that it wasn't stressful (she doesn't need it back anytime soon anyway). But then she's in a bad mood again and she sees me spending money and she feels she has a reason to be angry. But I think she needs to separate the two. I will pay her back as I can, but she still has no reason to meddle with my finances. Am I supposed to stop living because any money I spend on social life could be given her? I know the reason she is acting up is because of her mood swings, there is really no other reason to freak out.
Original post by Millie228
That's probably true..She works part time, three days per week and not very long days either. Our stepdad is 17 years older than her and retired a long time ago. I know they're waiting for her to retire as well so they can travel more together etc. I'm just afraid she's getting old before her time and I'm worried that lack of daily routine will make her even more depressed as she has more time to think. She's one of those people who "always have so much to do", but not really, you know?
I know what she means by my spending. She has a share in my flat which I need to pay her back. But to be honest, I did not ask her for it, I wanted to get a cheaper flat but she bought it for me and put the money in herself. When we discussed it at first and she was happy about it, she told me not to worry and that it wasn't stressful (she doesn't need it back anytime soon anyway). But then she's in a bad mood again and she sees me spending money and she feels she has a reason to be angry. But I think she needs to separate the two. I will pay her back as I can, but she still has no reason to meddle with my finances. Am I supposed to stop living because any money I spend on social life could be given her? I know the reason she is acting up is because of her mood swings, there is really no other reason to freak out.
I know what she means by my spending. She has a share in my flat which I need to pay her back. But to be honest, I did not ask her for it, I wanted to get a cheaper flat but she bought it for me and put the money in herself. When we discussed it at first and she was happy about it, she told me not to worry and that it wasn't stressful (she doesn't need it back anytime soon anyway). But then she's in a bad mood again and she sees me spending money and she feels she has a reason to be angry. But I think she needs to separate the two. I will pay her back as I can, but she still has no reason to meddle with my finances. Am I supposed to stop living because any money I spend on social life could be given her? I know the reason she is acting up is because of her mood swings, there is really no other reason to freak out.
How does she find out how much you have been spending on yourself?
Because if this was me I wouldn't tell her. Anything for a peaceful life.
Don't feel bad about the money in your flat. Here in the UK it is better for a parent to give their child money while they are still alive than to leave it in their will because there is tax on money inherited but it is tax free if it is given and the giver lives more than 7 years after giving it. I expect other countries to have similar tax regimes.
She needs a retirement hobby, suggest something like piano lessons that should fill her time up nicely what with the lessons and the practice and everything...... While she is practising she will be on her own with the piano and her bad moods......
Original post by draghm
How does she find out how much you have been spending on yourself?
Because if this was me I wouldn't tell her. Anything for a peaceful life.
Don't feel bad about the money in your flat. Here in the UK it is better for a parent to give their child money while they are still alive than to leave it in their will because there is tax on money inherited but it is tax free if it is given and the giver lives more than 7 years after giving it. I expect other countries to have similar tax regimes.
She needs a retirement hobby, suggest something like piano lessons that should fill her time up nicely what with the lessons and the practice and everything...... While she is practising she will be on her own with the piano and her bad moods......
Because if this was me I wouldn't tell her. Anything for a peaceful life.
Don't feel bad about the money in your flat. Here in the UK it is better for a parent to give their child money while they are still alive than to leave it in their will because there is tax on money inherited but it is tax free if it is given and the giver lives more than 7 years after giving it. I expect other countries to have similar tax regimes.
She needs a retirement hobby, suggest something like piano lessons that should fill her time up nicely what with the lessons and the practice and everything...... While she is practising she will be on her own with the piano and her bad moods......
Of course I try to be discreet but I am not comfortable hiding everything and felt like mentioning it when I went to NYC. And she knows that'll cost (airplane tickets, staying there...). Also when I was back for Christmas she commented on m iPad and also that I have a Smythson sleeve for it. I don't have 'show off' clothes in any way, but I always buy high quality and she notices that.
I got an email from her now asking if I'm in London. The problem is, right now I don't feel like having too much contact. I pretty much just want to try getting a job, transferring money which she's asking for, and leave it at that. But the more distant I get, the more curious she is. I know she is super stalkerish. She's not on facebook, but she googles me regularly to see what she comes up. Once I was featured on a blog and she commented on the expensive boots. Another time she saw my facebook profile picture and asked my sister to ask me to take it down (because I was wearing a top she thought was too revealing - it was a normal strappy top!).
Sometimes I'm like...can't she get a life. And it bothers me that things are weird between us now, the negative mood is affecting me.
Original post by draghm
How does she find out how much you have been spending on yourself?
Because if this was me I wouldn't tell her. Anything for a peaceful life.
Don't feel bad about the money in your flat. Here in the UK it is better for a parent to give their child money while they are still alive than to leave it in their will because there is tax on money inherited but it is tax free if it is given and the giver lives more than 7 years after giving it. I expect other countries to have similar tax regimes.
She needs a retirement hobby, suggest something like piano lessons that should fill her time up nicely what with the lessons and the practice and everything...... While she is practising she will be on her own with the piano and her bad moods......
Because if this was me I wouldn't tell her. Anything for a peaceful life.
Don't feel bad about the money in your flat. Here in the UK it is better for a parent to give their child money while they are still alive than to leave it in their will because there is tax on money inherited but it is tax free if it is given and the giver lives more than 7 years after giving it. I expect other countries to have similar tax regimes.
She needs a retirement hobby, suggest something like piano lessons that should fill her time up nicely what with the lessons and the practice and everything...... While she is practising she will be on her own with the piano and her bad moods......
I did like several recommended and started paying her back. Either way, she seemed to regret how angry she was before. Totally typical, she has crazy mood swings.
It's still awkward to keep secrets though. I'm taking a break from uni this semester, but she and dad would freak out if they knew. They gave my sis hell for retaking her exams. So she's emailed me asking how it's going. I was just about to say that I've been with a friend to various museums today, but then remembered that it's Thursday and I have to pretend I was at school.
Original post by Millie228
I did like several recommended and started paying her back. Either way, she seemed to regret how angry she was before. Totally typical, she has crazy mood swings.
It's still awkward to keep secrets though. I'm taking a break from uni this semester, but she and dad would freak out if they knew. They gave my sis hell for retaking her exams. So she's emailed me asking how it's going. I was just about to say that I've been with a friend to various museums today, but then remembered that it's Thursday and I have to pretend I was at school.
It's still awkward to keep secrets though. I'm taking a break from uni this semester, but she and dad would freak out if they knew. They gave my sis hell for retaking her exams. So she's emailed me asking how it's going. I was just about to say that I've been with a friend to various museums today, but then remembered that it's Thursday and I have to pretend I was at school.
Are your parents paying for your university study?
If they are, and you are having a break from university are you living on their money, or are you living on money that you have earned?
I know that you probably think that they can afford it, but if you want total independence you need to earn your own money and spend that.
After the university break how long will it take for you to finish your studies? Do you want to finish your studies?
I know that parents want the best for their children, but they can't live their lives through their children.
I would suggest that you think about what you want to do. Either finish your university studies or get a job, but if you live on money that your parents are sending you, you must be prepared to have them take an interest in what you are spending it on.
On the other hand though if they send you a lot of money, more than the minimum you need, they must be prepared for you to spend it on things that they wouldn't.
Original post by draghm
Are your parents paying for your university study?
If they are, and you are having a break from university are you living on their money, or are you living on money that you have earned?
I know that you probably think that they can afford it, but if you want total independence you need to earn your own money and spend that.
After the university break how long will it take for you to finish your studies? Do you want to finish your studies?
I know that parents want the best for their children, but they can't live their lives through their children.
I would suggest that you think about what you want to do. Either finish your university studies or get a job, but if you live on money that your parents are sending you, you must be prepared to have them take an interest in what you are spending it on.
On the other hand though if they send you a lot of money, more than the minimum you need, they must be prepared for you to spend it on things that they wouldn't.
If they are, and you are having a break from university are you living on their money, or are you living on money that you have earned?
I know that you probably think that they can afford it, but if you want total independence you need to earn your own money and spend that.
After the university break how long will it take for you to finish your studies? Do you want to finish your studies?
I know that parents want the best for their children, but they can't live their lives through their children.
I would suggest that you think about what you want to do. Either finish your university studies or get a job, but if you live on money that your parents are sending you, you must be prepared to have them take an interest in what you are spending it on.
On the other hand though if they send you a lot of money, more than the minimum you need, they must be prepared for you to spend it on things that they wouldn't.
My parents aren't paying for anything.
I have a student loan which pays for school (obviously not paying tuition this semester), and a scholarship to live by. I also have a flat back home (which I paid for with grandpa's inheritance), and I have tenants there, so they pay me rent. I'm also getting a job this semester, got two job interviews Monday.
The only thing my mum has ever paid for, like I said before, is that she put in a share in my flat (which I didn't ask for). But I'm paying her interest on her share in the flat - 18% of the rental income, as she owns 18% of the flat. So she's not 'losing' any money on me. I'm also working on paying back her share to make the flat all mine.
They are never sending me money or paying bills of any kind. I pay my own gym membership, phone bills, medical bills even if I'm ill or need a complicated dental procedure, like now. I have to pay £1100 for a wisdom tooth extraction, and it's never even come up for them to pay that, even though dad's a millionaire. Most families I know who has their kind of money support their children now and then. So I really don't think they have reason to consider my spoiled. Of course me and my sister inherited grandpa, that's why they don't think they need to, but the result is still the same - they haven't paid anything for my sis and I.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Millie228
My parents aren't paying for anything.
I have a student loan which pays for school (obviously not paying tuition this semester), and a scholarship to live by. I also have a flat back home (which I paid for with grandpa's inheritance), and I have tenants there, so they pay me rent. I'm also getting a job this semester, got two job interviews Monday.
The only thing my mum has ever paid for, like I said before, is that she put in a share in my flat (which I didn't ask for). But I'm paying her interest on her share in the flat - 18% of the rental income, as she owns 18% of the flat. So she's not 'losing' any money on me. I'm also working on paying back her share to make the flat all mine.
They are never sending me money or paying bills of any kind. I pay my own gym membership, phone bills, medical bills even if I'm ill or need a complicated dental procedure, like now. I have to pay £1100 for a wisdom tooth extraction, and it's never even come up for them to pay that, even though dad's a millionaire. Most families I know who has their kind of money support their children now and then. So I really don't think they have reason to consider my spoiled. Of course me and my sister inherited grandpa, that's why they don't think they need to, but the result is still the same - they haven't paid anything for my sis and I.
I have a student loan which pays for school (obviously not paying tuition this semester), and a scholarship to live by. I also have a flat back home (which I paid for with grandpa's inheritance), and I have tenants there, so they pay me rent. I'm also getting a job this semester, got two job interviews Monday.
The only thing my mum has ever paid for, like I said before, is that she put in a share in my flat (which I didn't ask for). But I'm paying her interest on her share in the flat - 18% of the rental income, as she owns 18% of the flat. So she's not 'losing' any money on me. I'm also working on paying back her share to make the flat all mine.
They are never sending me money or paying bills of any kind. I pay my own gym membership, phone bills, medical bills even if I'm ill or need a complicated dental procedure, like now. I have to pay £1100 for a wisdom tooth extraction, and it's never even come up for them to pay that, even though dad's a millionaire. Most families I know who has their kind of money support their children now and then. So I really don't think they have reason to consider my spoiled. Of course me and my sister inherited grandpa, that's why they don't think they need to, but the result is still the same - they haven't paid anything for my sis and I.
In that case it is nobody's business what you do with your time, what you do with your money except yours.
It is your life, you are independent and you can do what you like without being checked up on all the time.
Original post by draghm
In that case it is nobody's business what you do with your time, what you do with your money except yours.
It is your life, you are independent and you can do what you like without being checked up on all the time.
It is your life, you are independent and you can do what you like without being checked up on all the time.
She's sent me an email saying she is upset that we have so little contact and so on. I have been putting off replying to it as I feel like I need to think through what to say. I kind of feel like actually addressing the gossiping and saying that if she doesn't want to say something to me directly, it may not be worth saying at all.
It seems like she misses the 'friendship' bit, but she cannot lecture endlessly and then expect me to be thrilled about having her over to stay with me.
