Ok, so I have thought I had just been shy for most of my life. Everyone just told me I was shy and that was it.
However, ever since I was about 8 I have just had this massive issue with doing anything for fear of how others would perceive me. Complete strangers? Nope can't talk to them in case I see them again and they recognise me. People I know? Don't start.
The trouble is that it is affecting my life so badly now. I can't get to sleep for hours as I just re-live all these conversations in my head that went not quite to plan or I could have said something else. I know you're thinking this is normal, but these thoughts are completely irrational to just what another person has probably forgotten already.
Only my head can't seem to get around that concept. I'm left most often in a sobbing mess as I can't stand the way my head deals with these kind of situations.
Before I was too scared to even knock on a door in school, and even now I refuse to walk into assembly late (I have a library shift at lunch which means I am sometimes late for assembly) as I know people will look at me. I know they won't judge me at all, but it's just the attention.
Giving presentations give me such an adrenaline rush and pounding headache... and I shake like there's no tomorrow which makes me even more ashamed.
I'm terrified of using phones. I don't want to ring anyone for fear of getting the wrong number and seeming like an idiot. I don't want to pick it up as I might not know them.
People tell me just to relax as people don't care, but I can't help but think they do.
I'm too scared to even try to make myself seem attractive to guys (as a bit of a hopeless romantic this is just horrible) or be myself. I always seem to say the wrong thing.
Anyway, I've rambled too long. If you've read this far you are amazing.
I want to go to the doctor's about this as it's interfering with my life too much. However I only went recently about something else unrelated so I worry they'll judge me for coming in too soon.
Or what I'd say. Or how they'd respond. Or if they'd even help at all (last time I went about an eating disorder they thought I was faking it for attention and told me just to eat more fruit...).
So, should I go to the doctor's? How do I get myself to talk about it? And what do I say?
Thank you