What is wrong with my housemate?
Sorry for the long thread, but there's a lot to get off my chest. I'm a second year student and I'm now living in student housing with three others. Thing is, I'm genuinely concerned about the mental health of one of them.
When I shared halls with this particular person last year, I held a brief conversation with his mother on the first day, in which she told me that he has Asperger's Syndrome and sometimes struggles with others. I was fine with that, as I too am an (albeit mild) AS sufferer. Indeed, he did come across as somewhat eccentric and socially awkward, but this was to be expected and wasn't anything out of the ordinary for a typical case of AS.
Anyway, fast forward a year and he's now living with us properly. Now we're sharing a house together and not just a kitchen, we're starting to become rather concerned. For the entire day, right through until the early hours of the morning, he either has his television at full blast or paces his room talking loudly to himself. We'd occasionally hear him if we went past his bedroom last year, but we all assumed he was online gaming and/or on the phone. Thing is, this started in the new house before we even had the internet set up. He'll be almost shouting at himself for hours on end. He's actually doing it right now, and has been doing it all day bar when he was at lectures. He kept me up until 4am (sometimes as late as 6am) shouting at himself, he was doing whilst showering and I saw him do it walking on the way to lectures (the latter two proving he's not on the phone either). Sometimes, he's actually holding full-on conversations as two people. The "characters" he voices appear from my room next door to be an angry, threatening man and a meek, frightened woman. These are LOUD and can be heard throughout the house at all hours, which means that he either has no idea that he's doing it, or doesn't care.
At first I assumed it was just simply a considerably worse case of AS than that of my own. Growing up, I always had the need to "flap" when I was in the privacy of my room. I'd often not realise quite how much I was doing it until afterwards. But these flaps were quite handy, as they would remove any stress and anxiety from my system for a while and I'd be able to immediately go downstairs and "be normal". So I assumed he just had a more vocal equivalent, but other more recent examples, such as marching around talking to himself outside, or last week when I went past him on the bus, and he was quite angrily shouting at a rather scared looking group of people from a distance.
Not only this, but he's quite evidently not coping. Last semester it grew worse and worse, eventually I discussed with disability services who said they'd arrange a meeting with him, but nothing has changed since. By the last few weeks of the first semester, his hair was greasy and long, he started to smell to the point it was immediately noticeable when he entered the room (and we don't recall ever him doing laundry), he was living on a diet of pizza every day for breakfast and dinner and pop-tarts for lunch, and had consequently gained a considerable amount of weight. After we never heard anything from disability services, we assumed his parents would see the state he was in and do something about it, but he's back here for the second semester unchanged.
We've tried beating around the bush by constructing a list of rules (that he also okayed), but making sure all the rules addressed what he was doing: eg; no loudness after 1am, turning gas and electricity off if not in use, flushing the chain after using the toilet, etc. He was fine with them but has never attempted to follow them. He never leaves his room and his only contact with us is either awkward hello's in the kitchen or, increasingly often, a case of him shouting at us for various things; for example receiving a final warning letter from the gas/electricity company when he was the only one of us yet to pay the bill, or more recently, for not letting him swap his burnt out bedroom light for the one in the kitchen (He couldn't fathom that having light in the kitchen is a necessity). Whenever we've directly approached him on an issue (and in the mildiest, softest way we could), for example his failure to turn lights off, he quite clearly couldn't cope with the slightest criticism, would stammer nonsensically and then run upstairs muttering, by the time he entered his room the muttering would be full-on shouting to himself.
Look, I'm not here to just complain about him, I bear him no ill will, but another housemate has become convinced that his problems are possibly considerably worse than what we've been told, and he's now being rather paranoid after he says he was awoken in the early hours a few days ago with coins being thrown at his door. Our other housemate was away at the time and it certainly wasn't me.
I actually feel quite guilty writing this, but what do you recommend we do in this situation? Let him off as just a guy with some issues? Contact someone? I really don't know, to be honest.
When I shared halls with this particular person last year, I held a brief conversation with his mother on the first day, in which she told me that he has Asperger's Syndrome and sometimes struggles with others. I was fine with that, as I too am an (albeit mild) AS sufferer. Indeed, he did come across as somewhat eccentric and socially awkward, but this was to be expected and wasn't anything out of the ordinary for a typical case of AS.
Anyway, fast forward a year and he's now living with us properly. Now we're sharing a house together and not just a kitchen, we're starting to become rather concerned. For the entire day, right through until the early hours of the morning, he either has his television at full blast or paces his room talking loudly to himself. We'd occasionally hear him if we went past his bedroom last year, but we all assumed he was online gaming and/or on the phone. Thing is, this started in the new house before we even had the internet set up. He'll be almost shouting at himself for hours on end. He's actually doing it right now, and has been doing it all day bar when he was at lectures. He kept me up until 4am (sometimes as late as 6am) shouting at himself, he was doing whilst showering and I saw him do it walking on the way to lectures (the latter two proving he's not on the phone either). Sometimes, he's actually holding full-on conversations as two people. The "characters" he voices appear from my room next door to be an angry, threatening man and a meek, frightened woman. These are LOUD and can be heard throughout the house at all hours, which means that he either has no idea that he's doing it, or doesn't care.
At first I assumed it was just simply a considerably worse case of AS than that of my own. Growing up, I always had the need to "flap" when I was in the privacy of my room. I'd often not realise quite how much I was doing it until afterwards. But these flaps were quite handy, as they would remove any stress and anxiety from my system for a while and I'd be able to immediately go downstairs and "be normal". So I assumed he just had a more vocal equivalent, but other more recent examples, such as marching around talking to himself outside, or last week when I went past him on the bus, and he was quite angrily shouting at a rather scared looking group of people from a distance.
Not only this, but he's quite evidently not coping. Last semester it grew worse and worse, eventually I discussed with disability services who said they'd arrange a meeting with him, but nothing has changed since. By the last few weeks of the first semester, his hair was greasy and long, he started to smell to the point it was immediately noticeable when he entered the room (and we don't recall ever him doing laundry), he was living on a diet of pizza every day for breakfast and dinner and pop-tarts for lunch, and had consequently gained a considerable amount of weight. After we never heard anything from disability services, we assumed his parents would see the state he was in and do something about it, but he's back here for the second semester unchanged.
We've tried beating around the bush by constructing a list of rules (that he also okayed), but making sure all the rules addressed what he was doing: eg; no loudness after 1am, turning gas and electricity off if not in use, flushing the chain after using the toilet, etc. He was fine with them but has never attempted to follow them. He never leaves his room and his only contact with us is either awkward hello's in the kitchen or, increasingly often, a case of him shouting at us for various things; for example receiving a final warning letter from the gas/electricity company when he was the only one of us yet to pay the bill, or more recently, for not letting him swap his burnt out bedroom light for the one in the kitchen (He couldn't fathom that having light in the kitchen is a necessity). Whenever we've directly approached him on an issue (and in the mildiest, softest way we could), for example his failure to turn lights off, he quite clearly couldn't cope with the slightest criticism, would stammer nonsensically and then run upstairs muttering, by the time he entered his room the muttering would be full-on shouting to himself.
Look, I'm not here to just complain about him, I bear him no ill will, but another housemate has become convinced that his problems are possibly considerably worse than what we've been told, and he's now being rather paranoid after he says he was awoken in the early hours a few days ago with coins being thrown at his door. Our other housemate was away at the time and it certainly wasn't me.
I actually feel quite guilty writing this, but what do you recommend we do in this situation? Let him off as just a guy with some issues? Contact someone? I really don't know, to be honest.
(Apologies for the typo in the subject!)
Has his parents visited recently? Have you got a way of contacting them? If not than seeking support from Uni may be an idea. Could he be persuaded to see his GP?
From your description it does sound quite concerning. There is a possibility that he may be developing a psychotic illness.
From your description it does sound quite concerning. There is a possibility that he may be developing a psychotic illness.
Original post by Anonymous
(Apologies for the typo in the subject!)
I've fixed that for you
My younger brother has Aspergers syndrome and i've read a lot about the condition, so hopefully I can help you out..
What your housemate is experiencing is a very severe (but predictable) reaction to too much stress. He will not be aware of how you and your housemates may be feeling or how he is affecting you. It's not his fault - his brain just cannot comprehend other peoples feelings. This makes it very hard to live with someone with AS - especially if they are not coping, and I have to say I'm impressed by how tolerant and considerate you have been towards him - not everyone would be.
Everything you have explained makes it very clear that he is not coping, and is actually becoming a danger towards both himself and others. As the poster above said, he may actually be developing an additional psychotic illness.. but it doesn't sound like that to me. It all sounds very typical of an AS under extreme stress.
Do you have his parents contact details? If so, you need to tell them everything you have told us (same goes for student services).
If I were you (and this is just my opinion), I would contact the landlord and get your housemate removed from the house. It is not fair on you to have to live around such stress and tension. It may seem really harsh - but he needs to learn the hard way that his actions do affect other people and that certain things are not acceptable.
I really hope he gets the help he needs x
What your housemate is experiencing is a very severe (but predictable) reaction to too much stress. He will not be aware of how you and your housemates may be feeling or how he is affecting you. It's not his fault - his brain just cannot comprehend other peoples feelings. This makes it very hard to live with someone with AS - especially if they are not coping, and I have to say I'm impressed by how tolerant and considerate you have been towards him - not everyone would be.
Everything you have explained makes it very clear that he is not coping, and is actually becoming a danger towards both himself and others. As the poster above said, he may actually be developing an additional psychotic illness.. but it doesn't sound like that to me. It all sounds very typical of an AS under extreme stress.
Do you have his parents contact details? If so, you need to tell them everything you have told us (same goes for student services).
If I were you (and this is just my opinion), I would contact the landlord and get your housemate removed from the house. It is not fair on you to have to live around such stress and tension. It may seem really harsh - but he needs to learn the hard way that his actions do affect other people and that certain things are not acceptable.
I really hope he gets the help he needs x
One bit of what you said made me think of BPD? I'm not an expert on it so feel free to ignore! Definitely try and talk to the parents and whatever pastoral care your university provides. He needs help from professionals by the sounds of it, for all your sakes. You sound like you're a good friend to him, one day he'll realise just how much, good on you
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Find a way to contact his parents or make the university do something before something serious happens
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I'm assuming he's still attending teaching sessions and submitting work, otherwise his department would be asking questions?
Try again with the disability service, though ultimately they can find it hard to force him to attend a meeting. Do you know if he's been receiving any support through the disability service or Disabled Students Allowance? For example accessing a support worker/mentor? As they would (or certainly should) have fed back to their line manager any concerns they have which can then be passed to the university.
The OP has already said what his housemate has, Asperger's. There is little, if anything, to suggest that his friend certainly has a mental health condition. It's quite possibly a "breakdown", not uncommon for people with an ASD diagnosis at certain stages in life.
Obviously people with Autistic Spectrum Disorders struggle with change and there can be few greater changes than going to university. Moving away, starting a new university, living in a shared house for (presumably) the first time, different learning environment to school, not to mention the stress of the academics.
Not saying his friend doesn't have a mental health condition. Especially as depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder can be co-morbid with ASDs.
And I know the OP has asked for people's opinion of what we think is wrong with him, so it's understandable some will look to diagnose. I'm just saying I don't think it's helpful and that the diagnosis of Asperger's, and behaviour, is enough to warrant concern and action. Even if that action is to get the landlord involved for the sake of the well-being of the two other housemates who are clearly stressed out by this and not sleeping well.
Try again with the disability service, though ultimately they can find it hard to force him to attend a meeting. Do you know if he's been receiving any support through the disability service or Disabled Students Allowance? For example accessing a support worker/mentor? As they would (or certainly should) have fed back to their line manager any concerns they have which can then be passed to the university.
Original post by puella_optima
One bit of what you said made me think of BPD? I'm not an expert on it so feel free to ignore! Definitely try and talk to the parents and whatever pastoral care your university provides. He needs help from professionals by the sounds of it, for all your sakes. You sound like you're a good friend to him, one day he'll realise just how much, good on you
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
The OP has already said what his housemate has, Asperger's. There is little, if anything, to suggest that his friend certainly has a mental health condition. It's quite possibly a "breakdown", not uncommon for people with an ASD diagnosis at certain stages in life.
Obviously people with Autistic Spectrum Disorders struggle with change and there can be few greater changes than going to university. Moving away, starting a new university, living in a shared house for (presumably) the first time, different learning environment to school, not to mention the stress of the academics.
Not saying his friend doesn't have a mental health condition. Especially as depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder can be co-morbid with ASDs.
And I know the OP has asked for people's opinion of what we think is wrong with him, so it's understandable some will look to diagnose. I'm just saying I don't think it's helpful and that the diagnosis of Asperger's, and behaviour, is enough to warrant concern and action. Even if that action is to get the landlord involved for the sake of the well-being of the two other housemates who are clearly stressed out by this and not sleeping well.
Original post by moonkatt
I've fixed that for you
Thanks!
Original post by belis
Has his parents visited recently? Have you got a way of contacting them? If not than seeking support from Uni may be an idea. Could he be persuaded to see his GP?
From your description it does sound quite concerning. There is a possibility that he may be developing a psychotic illness.
From your description it does sound quite concerning. There is a possibility that he may be developing a psychotic illness.
They haven't visited him to my knowledge. We were somewhat surprised when he came back considering the state he was in shortly before Christmas; however one of the two other housemates and I just had a serious chat about it, he says that he had mentioned that he was happy to back and prefers it here as he has independence. They also had another dialogue which took a different route and is rather concerning, though, which I'll cover further down this thread.
The disability advice people suggested I try to moot the idea of him getting help, but to beat around the bush as much as possible as he could feel embarrassed and thus deteriorate even further if he thinks I'm aware of his issues. I've made the point a few times that the disability people are very helpful, but I'm not sure how else I can encourage him without making my intention clear.
Original post by Cinnie
My younger brother has Aspergers syndrome and i've read a lot about the condition, so hopefully I can help you out..
What your housemate is experiencing is a very severe (but predictable) reaction to too much stress. He will not be aware of how you and your housemates may be feeling or how he is affecting you. It's not his fault - his brain just cannot comprehend other peoples feelings. This makes it very hard to live with someone with AS - especially if they are not coping, and I have to say I'm impressed by how tolerant and considerate you have been towards him - not everyone would be.
Everything you have explained makes it very clear that he is not coping, and is actually becoming a danger towards both himself and others. As the poster above said, he may actually be developing an additional psychotic illness.. but it doesn't sound like that to me. It all sounds very typical of an AS under extreme stress.
Do you have his parents contact details? If so, you need to tell them everything you have told us (same goes for student services).
If I were you (and this is just my opinion), I would contact the landlord and get your housemate removed from the house. It is not fair on you to have to live around such stress and tension. It may seem really harsh - but he needs to learn the hard way that his actions do affect other people and that certain things are not acceptable.
I really hope he gets the help he needs x
What your housemate is experiencing is a very severe (but predictable) reaction to too much stress. He will not be aware of how you and your housemates may be feeling or how he is affecting you. It's not his fault - his brain just cannot comprehend other peoples feelings. This makes it very hard to live with someone with AS - especially if they are not coping, and I have to say I'm impressed by how tolerant and considerate you have been towards him - not everyone would be.
Everything you have explained makes it very clear that he is not coping, and is actually becoming a danger towards both himself and others. As the poster above said, he may actually be developing an additional psychotic illness.. but it doesn't sound like that to me. It all sounds very typical of an AS under extreme stress.
Do you have his parents contact details? If so, you need to tell them everything you have told us (same goes for student services).
If I were you (and this is just my opinion), I would contact the landlord and get your housemate removed from the house. It is not fair on you to have to live around such stress and tension. It may seem really harsh - but he needs to learn the hard way that his actions do affect other people and that certain things are not acceptable.
I really hope he gets the help he needs x
Thank-you
Indeed I wasn't sure if there were underlying issues or if it was just the sheer stress getting to someone with a condition that can make them quite vulnerable at times. I was diagnosed with AS as a child, although in its mildest form to the point that it's barely recognisable unless I'm in situations I'm very uncomfortable with, and even then I only started university at 22 as I didn't feel that I would be able to cope previously. He's come straight into university at 18, and does appear to have a more serious case of AS than I did.Original post by puella_optima
One bit of what you said made me think of BPD? I'm not an expert on it so feel free to ignore! Definitely try and talk to the parents and whatever pastoral care your university provides. He needs help from professionals by the sounds of it, for all your sakes. You sound like you're a good friend to him, one day he'll realise just how much, good on you
Thanks
I have felt contacting the university is the best thing but I've been concerned that they may take what I say as a complaint and be too heavy-handed with him. Also, I know I'd feel somewhat guilty for getting others involved, but I'm thinking now that it is the best thing to do.Original post by Crumpet1
Call his parents and explain you think he is having some sort of breakdown. Tell them you need their help. Do it now.
I don't have any way of contacting them without asking Alex for their details, which I doubt he'd do, and he may even twig as to what I'd be doing that. Otherwise this was considered. Perhaps the university can do so on my behalf?
Original post by anontsr
Find a way to contact his parents or make the university do something before something serious happens
Will be doing so imminently, I think.
Original post by River85
I'm assuming he's still attending teaching sessions and submitting work, otherwise his department would be asking questions?
Try again with the disability service, though ultimately they can find it hard to force him to attend a meeting. Do you know if he's been receiving any support through the disability service or Disabled Students Allowance? For example accessing a support worker/mentor? As they would (or certainly should) have fed back to their line manager any concerns they have which can then be passed to the university.
The OP has already said what his housemate has, Asperger's. There is little, if anything, to suggest that his friend certainly has a mental health condition. It's quite possibly a "breakdown", not uncommon for people with an ASD diagnosis at certain stages in life.
Obviously people with Autistic Spectrum Disorders struggle with change and there can be few greater changes than going to university. Moving away, starting a new university, living in a shared house for (presumably) the first time, different learning environment to school, not to mention the stress of the academics.
Not saying his friend doesn't have a mental health condition. Especially as depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder can be co-morbid with ASDs.
And I know the OP has asked for people's opinion of what we think is wrong with him, so it's understandable some will look to diagnose. I'm just saying I don't think it's helpful and that the diagnosis of Asperger's, and behaviour, is enough to warrant concern and action. Even if that action is to get the landlord involved for the sake of the well-being of the two other housemates who are clearly stressed out by this and not sleeping well.
Try again with the disability service, though ultimately they can find it hard to force him to attend a meeting. Do you know if he's been receiving any support through the disability service or Disabled Students Allowance? For example accessing a support worker/mentor? As they would (or certainly should) have fed back to their line manager any concerns they have which can then be passed to the university.
The OP has already said what his housemate has, Asperger's. There is little, if anything, to suggest that his friend certainly has a mental health condition. It's quite possibly a "breakdown", not uncommon for people with an ASD diagnosis at certain stages in life.
Obviously people with Autistic Spectrum Disorders struggle with change and there can be few greater changes than going to university. Moving away, starting a new university, living in a shared house for (presumably) the first time, different learning environment to school, not to mention the stress of the academics.
Not saying his friend doesn't have a mental health condition. Especially as depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder can be co-morbid with ASDs.
And I know the OP has asked for people's opinion of what we think is wrong with him, so it's understandable some will look to diagnose. I'm just saying I don't think it's helpful and that the diagnosis of Asperger's, and behaviour, is enough to warrant concern and action. Even if that action is to get the landlord involved for the sake of the well-being of the two other housemates who are clearly stressed out by this and not sleeping well.
Another housemate told me he had in fact had an online conversation with him shortly before we came back after the Christmas break in which things got rather heated over his part of the bills still not being paid. He had responded angrily, saying he hadn't been made aware properly. The other housemate, growing irritated, had told him "I'm not your mother", at which point he went on an angry rant about how he "needs the help" because of the stress he's under. He mentioned he had had an emotional breakdown and has been unable to consistently attend lectures, or even leave his room, for nearly nine weeks and had to spend the entirety of the break catching up on work he hadn't started. The online post was full of expletives but he saved the worst of it for himself, referring to himself as a "dumb c**t". In light of this I think we need to get him help ASAP, especially now we have evidence of him saying he's not coping himself.
