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Past affecting the present

Hi,
I'm not sure if I can post in here or not, I'm a bit older than most (28) but really don't know where else to take this. If I'm out of order, please feel free to delete.

When I was small (6+), lots of screwed up things happened, my step dad was having sex with me and his friends were also involved and on the scene and after a while, I started to..act out I guess, drinking and taking drugs, then at 14 I left home and never went back. I was homeless for the rest of my teens, had a nasty heroin and crack addiction and was involved in prostitution to fund it. God I'm so glad this is anonymous.
Anyway, a couple of years ago, I finally sorted myself out, after numerous detox/rehab attempts. I'm in stable housing, have a job I love, am planning on going to uni and am off the gear - all good..

And the friends that I have that do know some of my past think that I've done really well turning stuff around, and it's nice to have their support, but because things are *so* much more stable now, I don't feel able to tell anyone just how much I'm struggling.

When I do eventually sleep, my nightmares are so disturbing that I'm often shaken up well into the next day.
Relationships are a no-no, I just can't seem to allow myself to emotionally connect with anyone on a level which is more intimate than friendship. I don't mean to be cruel, but by being so distant and cold, I've hurt a few people in the past that really deserved better. And yet, I'm at a stage where I want to be able to have a relationship. I've attracted some wrong-uns previously and gone through the cycle of repeating patterns, but would like to think that I'm more aware of that now, having completed The Freedom Programme in a rehab. I suppose I've become accustomed to being alone and don't know how to break out of the habit. When sex comes up in any potential relationship, I just bail out, either physically or emotionally, feeling so dirty and disgusted with myself, and then all this self-hatred boils up and I want to use heroin again just to dampen it and get through the day.

And then, there's my family. I didn't have contact at all for over 10 years, then started to maybe once or twice a year. My stepdad is in prison now, so he's not the issue, but my mum (who knew about it all and refused to help) is. I feel this, obligation, to put it all behind us, as if I've held a grudge for too long, but really, I should be 'over it by now'.
But I'm not. I'm really really not.

And I have this resentment that is just eating me up, and Mother's day and all the sickening phrases on the cards in shops make me feel literally nauseous.

In a way, I'm more screwed up about her than I am with anyone else. I'm aware of how much it's affecting me, and feel in a catch 22. If I ignore it for much longer, all the angst is gonna come out somehow, probably in a self-destructive way, but history has taught me that trying to engage in counselling is equally distressing and as resulted in a heroin relapse in the past due to not having sufficient coping strategies in place.

I have some very big life changes coming up in the next year or so - I don't want my past to bring me own, have a negative impact or prevent me from making the most of the situation. Yet it's quietly eating away at me and to be honest, I'm scared of how much power "it" all still has over me.

I just needed to put some of those thoughts in order - sorry for the length and somewhat rambling post

xx

Reply 1

Jo from AVA

Hi
Thank you for your post, I am so glad you got in touch as it sounds like you really need some support.
You have been through a hugely traumatic experience at a young age which will have impacted on you enormously. I am not surprised that this led to substance use and issues with self-hatred and trust. These are actually quite normal responses to a horrific experience.
Please don't feel like you 'should be over it', there is no right way to feel and no time-frame for when or what you should be doing or feeling like.
I understand that counselling can make things feel worse without the proper support in place. When you had counselling was it specific counselling around the rape and abuse or was it more generic? It is important to have support from professionals who really understand and can properly support you.
I think it would be helpful to contact 'rape crisis', they are awesome and work with people everyday who have experienced rape, whether in the past as a child or currently.
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
freephone helpline
0808 802 9999
12 - 2.30pm
7 - 9.30pm
There is also a search option on the site to look for local support groups in your area.

I think this will be the best place to start. Make sure to tell them about your issues around drug use so they are aware of that and how to best support you. You have been really strong and brave and we need to make sure you stay like that and have effective coping strategies in place. It sounds to me like you have post traumatice stress - this is a normal reaction to abuse but there is help.

It is fantastic that you have a place at Uni and lots of positive things happening so try to focus on that. I know things can get overwhelming and triggers like mothers day make it even harder. You just have to take things at your own pace, you are in control. Remember that none of this was your fault, you deserve help and support to rebuild your life and have the future you want.
This may help, it has some useful tips about healthy coping strategies:
http://victimsofcrime.org/docs/2006%20Kit/resilience-brochure-(web-ready).pdf?sfvrsn=0

I also offer support including a live chat facility here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/ in case that is useful.

I hope this helps, remember you do not have to cope with this alone,
take care
Jo