Is it emotional abuse even just in a friendship?
I really don't know what to do because I am currently in a friendship with a guy that I do care about but things are very rarely good between us and we argue all the time about things that, to me, he shouldn't really be angry about.
It started just over a year ago and things were really good and we became amazing friends, then we tried being more than friends and it turned out to be something that I didn't really want so I told him this and we resumed just a friendship but things have never been as good as they were before because we've spent the best part of a year arguing almost every single day.
He became, what I thought of as very controlling. He told me I couldn't be friends with someone I've known all my life because she was a bad influence, and granted she wasn't a saint and she does her fair share of things that I don't agree with but I still wanted to be there for her if she needed me, we weren't the closest of friends anymore but its not a friendship that I wanted to end...but he wouldn't have it, he gave me an ultimatum either her or him which I thought was completely unfair. Nevertheless in the end I started distancing myself from her to try to please him, which I found really hard and hated doing but I also hated the arguments with him over her. Even today any mention of her name sends I'm into this rage and he's said he hopes she gets hit by a bus, it's awful.
After that I began to change how I felt, started to dislike him for it I think but I stuck at it and thought it would get better. Then he began to get very controlling with regards to parties and drinking, even if I said I wouldn't drink the birthday parties for my friends would cause massive rows and if I wanted to wear a dress he would say I looked slutty and we'd argue about that too because I was 'getting my legs out' even in a dress that was almost at my knees. I couldn't really understand it at the time and I just accepted that he was right and ended up leaving parties early or not going altogether, which my other friends could never understand so I'd have to lie and say that I just don't like parties and things like that which in itself is hard. He became excessively jealous of anywhere that would have boys even though we weren't in a relationship at all - I put it down to him still having feelings for me which I had assumed would fade with time and accepted that. (It has been almost a year and he still gets shirty at any mention of me near the male population.)
After a few months I told him that I didn't enjoy this friendship anymore and I said that he was making me unhappy and I wanted it to end partly because of my unhappiness but also because I could tell he was hurting with every boy ridden event I wanted to go to, I just thought that it would be better if we gave each other space but he refused to accept it and he ended up convincing me into staying and then things just continued. Things escalated in the sense that I'd started changing too and returning his snide remarks with my own and I said some horrible things too I will admit so it just became all out war where in every argument he was unhappy because of x,y and z and I was unhappy because of this that and the other, and with his amazing memory he'd pull out any horrible thing I'd ever said and manipulate the argument so in the end I was obviously in the wrong and apologising, some would turn into normal discussions and others would result in silence. It was becoming all round hard to be happy at all.
Every week there seemed to be a new issue, we even argued about a school event where a dress was involved and of course, boys (bearing in mind he is older so doesn't go to school with me) At one point I tried to compromise just to end an argument by saying I'd wear a maxi dress and leave early but if it had a slit in the side so a bit of leg showed then I'd look as slutty as all my school friends. There's so many other examples I can't even cram them into one post. In the end I would just take my frustration out on him and try to leave again because I just wanted it to end and once again I couldn't.
He gets angry if I want to spend time with other friends because he thinks i'm 'prioritising' them over him, I reached a point where I didn't want to spend anytime with him and I was honest with him about it but it just made things worse and now he's added that to the list of nasty things I've said to use against me in arguments. He often says horrible things about my family and my mum and dad's parenting skills and how we're all 'f***ing weird' and they're recently separated so the things he says are really hurtful like rubbing salt in a fresh wound. He gets annoyed if I don't reply to his texts instantly, I can't be doing anything else if we're texting because he it seems doesn't want to come second in my attention so if I have homework or revision he will leave and not come back until later when I am sat on my phone doing nothing but talking to him. He doesn't like it if I talk to other people at the same time as him, 'oh your mates are here I'll leave you to it' and makes out he's being really nice by giving me time to spend with them even though I always ask him not to leave just because someone else wants to talk to me too. Even when I'm at school in my free periods I've started isolating myself from my other friends to avoid arguments.
I feel like I'm ranting but there's so many things that he tries to control in my life and I am honestly so unhappy but what can I do? I've tried telling him how he makes me feel and he makes me feel like I'm making something out of nothing or he turns it around so I'm the bad guy for saying horrible things to him. We're just stuck in a rut and things never change.
I don't even know if it's abuse I just don't enjoy it and I've tried just doing as I'm told and trying to please him but then he's annoyed about something else, I've tried leaving and that made things worse because then he knows I don't want to be in the friendship and he uses it against me to make me feel bad. It's exhausting and then sometimes he'll say that I always get what I want which is so untrue because I never ask him for anything, I never ask about who he talks to or question him when he goes out drinking with his friends at the weekend, I have never ever seen anything on his phone but he takes mine and reads through conversations with my friends.
Anonymous
It started just over a year ago and things were really good and we became amazing friends, then we tried being more than friends and it turned out to be something that I didn't really want so I told him this and we resumed just a friendship but things have never been as good as they were before because we've spent the best part of a year arguing almost every single day.
He became, what I thought of as very controlling. He told me I couldn't be friends with someone I've known all my life because she was a bad influence, and granted she wasn't a saint and she does her fair share of things that I don't agree with but I still wanted to be there for her if she needed me, we weren't the closest of friends anymore but its not a friendship that I wanted to end...but he wouldn't have it, he gave me an ultimatum either her or him which I thought was completely unfair. Nevertheless in the end I started distancing myself from her to try to please him, which I found really hard and hated doing but I also hated the arguments with him over her. Even today any mention of her name sends I'm into this rage and he's said he hopes she gets hit by a bus, it's awful.
After that I began to change how I felt, started to dislike him for it I think but I stuck at it and thought it would get better. Then he began to get very controlling with regards to parties and drinking, even if I said I wouldn't drink the birthday parties for my friends would cause massive rows and if I wanted to wear a dress he would say I looked slutty and we'd argue about that too because I was 'getting my legs out' even in a dress that was almost at my knees. I couldn't really understand it at the time and I just accepted that he was right and ended up leaving parties early or not going altogether, which my other friends could never understand so I'd have to lie and say that I just don't like parties and things like that which in itself is hard. He became excessively jealous of anywhere that would have boys even though we weren't in a relationship at all - I put it down to him still having feelings for me which I had assumed would fade with time and accepted that. (It has been almost a year and he still gets shirty at any mention of me near the male population.)
After a few months I told him that I didn't enjoy this friendship anymore and I said that he was making me unhappy and I wanted it to end partly because of my unhappiness but also because I could tell he was hurting with every boy ridden event I wanted to go to, I just thought that it would be better if we gave each other space but he refused to accept it and he ended up convincing me into staying and then things just continued. Things escalated in the sense that I'd started changing too and returning his snide remarks with my own and I said some horrible things too I will admit so it just became all out war where in every argument he was unhappy because of x,y and z and I was unhappy because of this that and the other, and with his amazing memory he'd pull out any horrible thing I'd ever said and manipulate the argument so in the end I was obviously in the wrong and apologising, some would turn into normal discussions and others would result in silence. It was becoming all round hard to be happy at all.
Every week there seemed to be a new issue, we even argued about a school event where a dress was involved and of course, boys (bearing in mind he is older so doesn't go to school with me) At one point I tried to compromise just to end an argument by saying I'd wear a maxi dress and leave early but if it had a slit in the side so a bit of leg showed then I'd look as slutty as all my school friends. There's so many other examples I can't even cram them into one post. In the end I would just take my frustration out on him and try to leave again because I just wanted it to end and once again I couldn't.
He gets angry if I want to spend time with other friends because he thinks i'm 'prioritising' them over him, I reached a point where I didn't want to spend anytime with him and I was honest with him about it but it just made things worse and now he's added that to the list of nasty things I've said to use against me in arguments. He often says horrible things about my family and my mum and dad's parenting skills and how we're all 'f***ing weird' and they're recently separated so the things he says are really hurtful like rubbing salt in a fresh wound. He gets annoyed if I don't reply to his texts instantly, I can't be doing anything else if we're texting because he it seems doesn't want to come second in my attention so if I have homework or revision he will leave and not come back until later when I am sat on my phone doing nothing but talking to him. He doesn't like it if I talk to other people at the same time as him, 'oh your mates are here I'll leave you to it' and makes out he's being really nice by giving me time to spend with them even though I always ask him not to leave just because someone else wants to talk to me too. Even when I'm at school in my free periods I've started isolating myself from my other friends to avoid arguments.
I feel like I'm ranting but there's so many things that he tries to control in my life and I am honestly so unhappy but what can I do? I've tried telling him how he makes me feel and he makes me feel like I'm making something out of nothing or he turns it around so I'm the bad guy for saying horrible things to him. We're just stuck in a rut and things never change.
I don't even know if it's abuse I just don't enjoy it and I've tried just doing as I'm told and trying to please him but then he's annoyed about something else, I've tried leaving and that made things worse because then he knows I don't want to be in the friendship and he uses it against me to make me feel bad. It's exhausting and then sometimes he'll say that I always get what I want which is so untrue because I never ask him for anything, I never ask about who he talks to or question him when he goes out drinking with his friends at the weekend, I have never ever seen anything on his phone but he takes mine and reads through conversations with my friends.
Anonymous
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