Worried about having depression
For the past few weeks I've started to notice that something might not be right. For the past two years I've been changing but I didn't notice anything until I had a lecture on mental health and depression and started to link a few things to my behavior. I haven't tried to go to a GP because no matter how much I try to work myself up to make an appointment I always manage to convince myself to stop, that it's nothing and that i'll be wasting their time by making a call.
I've slowly began to realise that I've been closing myself off from a lot of my older friends. We used to go out around 3 times a week and because they lived in Liverpool I'd gladly get the train to go and see them. Now I hardly make plans with them and if we do have to go out i'll try to get them to come to my town because I can't face getting a 30 minute train and having to navigate around other people. I hardly talk to them on social media where I used to text or message them everyday.
I've also been spending a lot. I've always been wary of spending money as I was raised by a single mother after my abusive father left us. We never had much so I was always good with money and saving. Since two years ago and getting more student loans I just seem to blow the money as soon as it goes into my bank. I'll go out and buy hundreds of pounds worth of clothes and feel really happy, but the second I get back home I just feel hollow and I never take them out of the bag. I have so many clothes that I can't fit them in my storage but every time I leave the house I just have to get something new - and I'm starting to believe it's just for that thrill I get when I make a purchase, no matter how hard the come down from it might be.
My diet has been all over the place - some days I don't feel like eating anything and whenever I put a meal in to cook by the time it's ready to eat I don't want it and just throw it away. Other times it seems like nothing can fill me up and I'll just snack the whole day - even after eating a full 2 courses I'll be starving around 30 minutes later and just continue to eat. My sleeping pattern also feels ridiculous. I can't get out of bed before 12, even though I used to be able to get up at 5am no problem. I'll be tired all through the day but the second it gets to 9pm I won't be able to sleep. Around 2am I'll start to feel tired but I cannot push myself to sleep any earlier than that, I just end up lying there wide awake.
Since I have to commute to uni I have to get up at 5am to get the bus - my sleep pattern is making this impossible and I can't seem to drag myself out of bed. I haven't been to uni in 3 months properly and when I do manage to make it there on the rare occasion I can't concentrate and find myself unable to make it through a full day, going home at 12pm when my lectures should end at 4pm. It's my final year but I haven't even started my dissertation and I put off all my work until the night before - I have an essay due in on Wednesday but haven't even started it, nor did I go to any of the lectures for it. I panic and make myself upset when I realise how soon the deadlines are, but I still can't push myself to start writing. As soon as I try to open the notes for the essay I get distracted or annoyed and end up closing them straight away.
I'm losing interest in things I used to love. I used to buy comic books every Wednesday now I can't even bring myself to check on what titles are being released each month. It just feels...dull where I used to feel some excitement.
Reading everything to myself it does soon like somethings wrong but that nagging voice in my head just keeps saying that I could have it worse. That it's just me being lazy. I'm really struggling with the decision on whether to call my GP and make an appointment. Does it sound like something I should look into?
I've slowly began to realise that I've been closing myself off from a lot of my older friends. We used to go out around 3 times a week and because they lived in Liverpool I'd gladly get the train to go and see them. Now I hardly make plans with them and if we do have to go out i'll try to get them to come to my town because I can't face getting a 30 minute train and having to navigate around other people. I hardly talk to them on social media where I used to text or message them everyday.
I've also been spending a lot. I've always been wary of spending money as I was raised by a single mother after my abusive father left us. We never had much so I was always good with money and saving. Since two years ago and getting more student loans I just seem to blow the money as soon as it goes into my bank. I'll go out and buy hundreds of pounds worth of clothes and feel really happy, but the second I get back home I just feel hollow and I never take them out of the bag. I have so many clothes that I can't fit them in my storage but every time I leave the house I just have to get something new - and I'm starting to believe it's just for that thrill I get when I make a purchase, no matter how hard the come down from it might be.
My diet has been all over the place - some days I don't feel like eating anything and whenever I put a meal in to cook by the time it's ready to eat I don't want it and just throw it away. Other times it seems like nothing can fill me up and I'll just snack the whole day - even after eating a full 2 courses I'll be starving around 30 minutes later and just continue to eat. My sleeping pattern also feels ridiculous. I can't get out of bed before 12, even though I used to be able to get up at 5am no problem. I'll be tired all through the day but the second it gets to 9pm I won't be able to sleep. Around 2am I'll start to feel tired but I cannot push myself to sleep any earlier than that, I just end up lying there wide awake.
Since I have to commute to uni I have to get up at 5am to get the bus - my sleep pattern is making this impossible and I can't seem to drag myself out of bed. I haven't been to uni in 3 months properly and when I do manage to make it there on the rare occasion I can't concentrate and find myself unable to make it through a full day, going home at 12pm when my lectures should end at 4pm. It's my final year but I haven't even started my dissertation and I put off all my work until the night before - I have an essay due in on Wednesday but haven't even started it, nor did I go to any of the lectures for it. I panic and make myself upset when I realise how soon the deadlines are, but I still can't push myself to start writing. As soon as I try to open the notes for the essay I get distracted or annoyed and end up closing them straight away.
I'm losing interest in things I used to love. I used to buy comic books every Wednesday now I can't even bring myself to check on what titles are being released each month. It just feels...dull where I used to feel some excitement.
Reading everything to myself it does soon like somethings wrong but that nagging voice in my head just keeps saying that I could have it worse. That it's just me being lazy. I'm really struggling with the decision on whether to call my GP and make an appointment. Does it sound like something I should look into?
A lot of the things you mention do sound like the symptoms that depressed people often experience. I take it by creating this thread you know something is wrong and to me it certainly sounds like it (though obviously I'm not a doctor). I wouldn't worry about other people having it "worse", that has no effect on your suffering. If a friend told you what you've written here would you tell them to man up because other people have it worse? I don't think so. I know it's scary to talk to a doctor but given how long it sounds like this has been going on for you it doesn't seem like it'll just magically get better. I would advise perhaps printing out this post and showing it to the doctor when you see them as, I think at least, it gives a very clear explanation of what's going on in your life right now.
I hope you feel better and do manage to talk to your doctor. Good luck!
I hope you feel better and do manage to talk to your doctor. Good luck!
Honestly the worst thing to think is that you'll be wasting your doctors time. I thought exactly the same thing until I was so desperate for help. It's not a waste of time, it's a medical illness. If you need help, then ask for it. Asking for help is the first step and definitely the hardest! I hope you sort something out x
