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Elois and Bec a short story rate pls

.20 minutes till the fireworks go out.
I'm not the person that takes new year so seriously,making new year resolutions and all that stuff.What's the difference,really?.The difference between December 31st and Jan 1 is just one second.I second away.Most of the time I sleep in.But this newyear,I'm staying up.
So I can gaze at Bec from the window.She moved to the house next door last week.I gaze at her any chance I get.
She's wearing the most sexiest floral dress I've ever seen.It's just centimeters above her knees,showing just the right amount of legs.The thin straps are low on her shoulder,it would be hard to catch a glimpse of her cleavage.But it won't be hard for me.I'll look very carefully,eat some baby carrots while at it.Carrots give vitamin A,which is good for eyesight,right?.It's one of the few things I remember from elementary school other than boring equations and essays.In case you're still wondering,her full name is Rebecca.I would have called her Becky probably but that would sound so girlish.Bec,that's right,sounds badass.
I like badass girls.
Her parents and my parents are talking outside,telling dad jokes and having barbecue.My mom can see me form the window and she motions for me to come outside.I shake my head.I loved barbecue,I would love to meet Bec.Talk to her for the first time .I'm sure she'd love to talk to me.I'm a free,friendly person.I'd show her my marble skull collections and the posters of my favourite boy bands.I could show her room.
We'd go in there, alone;together.
I'm such a pervert.
"Hey, Elois"
I almost fall out the window.But even I did fall,I'd fall happily because I would be landing on Bec's beautiful chest as she stood right in front of me.She looked even more beautiful upclose as she stood on the grass lawn,close enough for me to see her clevage in the bright light coming form the living room.Her acrylic nails gently scrape my hand,she smiles.
"Won't you come outside?It's new year's eve"
She's probably so innocent and has no idea what I'm feeling,how seducive she looks in the moonlight or the bad things I want to do to her and what I hope she might want to do with me.The intricate designs on her floral dress are beautifully distorted by her curves but I try not to look there.She tries not to look at my face either.I still haven't replied to anything she said so I step back and try to play cool.My legs won't stop shaking and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS.So I tuck them in my pockets and take a few steps back,smiling awkwardly and thinking of the catchiest thing to say.
"Um..well..maybe I will come out"
Then I stupidly put one leg out of the window,followed by the other and crawled out.When my whole body was outside,I dusted my jacket like it was dirty and laughed.She smiled again."You could have just used the front door,you know".Of course I should,that's what front doors are meant for.
I feel so stupid.
She wraps her hands behind her back and playfully strides off,giving me a nod as she goes to meet everyone at the barbecue.I winked back but I'm pretty sure I looked like I had dust in my eye.When I believe she's a far distance off,I breathe a huge sigh of relief.I normally don't act this civilised in front of someone I've never spoken to.Ok,maybe I wasn't that civilised,I climbed out a FREAKING WINDOW and the front door was just inches away.But it's an improvement.Trust me,it is.
I've had way worse encounters.
"Aren't you coming?".I catch her waving for me to come over.I wave back and skip-I SKIPPED-over to meet her family.
Her older brother,Ryan, arrives with a tray full of glasses of lemonade.He flashes me a smile.The kind of smile that got girls blushing and twirling a strand of hair around their finger.But I'm not like most girls as you already know.So instead of giving him the reaction that every cute boy dreams of when flashing a killer smile to a girl he thinks is cute,I arch my eyebrow and roll my eyes.I want him to think I'm this vain,sassy girl you read about in high school romance books.
He's not my type anyway.I got someone else on my mind.
I swear it's not Bec.I'm serious.
Please,believe me.I just saw this girl,just spoke to her recently.I gaze at her sometimes and it's out of curiosity-not love.I feel a chill on my hand,it's a glass of chilled lemonade."One cool drink,for a cool girl",said Ryan.His catch phrase was so cheesy,I could make mac and cheese with it for decades.I smile awkwardly and accept the drink.He winks and strides off,the cool breeze makes his brown jacket billow behind him.
He had the air of a dangerous boy.Cutely dangerous.But he's still not my type.
5 mins to the fireworks now.
I down my glass of lemonade and drop it on the nearest table.Then look at the stars,clutching my jacket with the other hand.But someone's hand,warm and teasing,unhinges my fingers and works up them,crawling to my palm and then grabbing the whole hand.I feel her long acrylic nails brush the back of my hand and for a moment I think I'm special,I believe she thinks I'm special.
Maybe we were meant to be.
Till I see her grab her mother's hand,and her mother grab my father's and then I realize
I'm just joining a circle.A stupid family circle.
I finally bring my eyes to meet hers,but I couldn't because her eyes were closed now as she began to commence a thanksgiving prayer.I could feel my other hand being grabbed now but this hand was bigger,not as warm as bec's,sturdy and manly;I could feel blood being pumped through bulging veins,
Ryan's hand.
His eyes are also closed,everyone's is.I want to close my eyes too,I want to pay repsect to the God everyone talks about that lives in the sky and watches our every single move and knows our very thoughts.My present thoughts,I'm sure he's dissapointed in me.But if he knew my heart,he would know why I can't close my eyes.
I can't take them off Bec.
I watch her lips mutter and move but I can't hear what she's saying anymore.I can't hear anyone say 'amen' anymore.I've gone deaf because all I can hear is my heart tell me to kiss her when it strikes midnight and my brain judging my stupid thoughts.I could actually do it.It's crazy.It's crazily perfect.
So I continue staring at Bec till she's done and eveyone begins to break hands.I don't break hands with her.She doesn't have time to break hands with me anyway.The fireworks go off and everyone is distracted by them.She's about to scream joyous obscenities but before she does,I grab her other hand-pull her close..
And kiss her.
I kissed Bec.

Reply 1

Dunnig Kruger

Do you think this story would flow better if written in the past tense and 3rd person?

There's the cliche: show don't tell. EG "I feel so stupid" - make him say or do something embarassing.
EG "She's wearing the most sexiest floral dress I've ever seen" - Just describe the dress and how she looks in it.

It also seems to jump around a lot. Read John Grisham or Lee Childs for examples of how to pace story telling. Getting the balance between describing scenes sufficiently whilst moving the book along. In a piece this long stick to 1 scene / 1 location / 2 main characters. Make your writing tight and focused.

Is it set in Australia? Who has a barbecue at midnight on 31st December?

There should be a point that you want to make or a theme to the piece. What point do you want to make with this? Or what's the theme?
The setting and timing of the scene should enhance the point you want to make. Not distract from it.