Hello! So for a bit of context, I got my diagnosis last year in year 11 and I’m now in year 12
I have many hopes and dreams. I aspire to excel in my academics, get a high-paying job, network with others to build connections, self-improve every day in every aspect of my life, marry a man that loves me, and have two/three kids that I hope to raise adequately
But no matter what I do, no matter what I what I plan, I’m tormented by my circular thinking every day (I guess a symptom of my autism). I’ll give an example to demonstrate what I mean:
To maximise my productivity, it is recommended that everyone has a structured routine every day. Sounds fine right? It does, until I remember that having a structured routine is also a sign of autism- and that, yet again, I’m “acting autistic” I I produce a routine to maximise my productivity. Yes, I know it doesn’t matter, and I know these kind of thoughts shouldn’t stop me from having a structured routine. Besides, the people recommending structured routines are non-autistics as well, who found having a set routine the best to maximise productivity. But it still makes me fight with myself internally
Then, my thoughts jump from my self-degradation to “What if my kids are autistic too?”. My future kids have nothing to do with the previous thoughts, yet I go from thinking of my previous thoughts to thinking that I’ll be really sad and disappointed if my kids are also autistic, (because I don’t accept my autism, my possibly autistic kids would remind me of myself)
Another example. I’m quite meticulous and hard-working when I’m studying; I like to know everything to outcompete people. That’s a good thing. I’ve been praised constantly for this by even non-autistic people. Until I remember that, this trait of me also is a symptom of autism. Suddenly I’m in a sad mood. Then I start thinking If my future kids will develop autism and be as rigid as me -a symptom- and how I don’t want them to have autism
I think of something to improve myself, that even non-autistic people do -> “Wait, but that’s associated with autism, I’m yet again acting autistic” -> “I hate the fact I’m not normal…what If my future kids are also autistic? I don’t want that, I also want them to be normal”
No matter what I so, even if it’s something good (e.g. having a set routine), my mind starts overthinking and overthinking
Things that don’t fit my post, but I want to write anyway:
- Even if I accept my autism, I’ll always think that I’m a fraud. I have a loving husband, two or three kids, a good house, a stable career? “It doesn’t matter…I’m a fraud”- that’s what I’ll think, even though there’s no logic to it
- My dad is autistic. Not diagnosed, but I’m 100% certain. I fear that that mirrors the fate of my kids- how my kids will also be autistic, the same way the child of my dad (me) is autistic