I’m sorry to hear that you are having these thoughts and feelings that are making you question your existence and the world around you. It sounds like you are going through a lot of stress and anxiety, and you don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about it. I’m not a therapist or a doctor, so I can’t diagnose you or give you professional advice, but I can try to help you find some resources that might be useful for you.
First of all, I want to assure you that you are not alone in feeling this way. Many people experience existential anxiety or dread at some point in their lives, especially when they face uncertainty, change, or challenges. It’s normal to wonder about the meaning and purpose of life, and to question your beliefs and values. However, if these thoughts become overwhelming, intrusive, or interfere with your daily functioning, then it might be a sign of a more serious problem.
One possible explanation for what you are feeling is depersonalization-derealization disorder (DDD). This is a condition where people feel detached from themselves or their surroundings, as if they are observing their life from a distance or as if everything is unreal or dreamlike. People with DDD may also have difficulty remembering things, feeling emotions, or relating to others. DDD can be triggered by stress, trauma, substance abuse, or other mental health issues. It can also occur without any apparent cause.
Another possible explanation is existential OCD. This is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder where people have intrusive and distressing thoughts about existential topics, such as the nature of reality, free will, death, morality, or the meaning of life. People with existential OCD may also have compulsions to seek reassurance, avoid certain situations, or perform rituals to cope with their anxiety. Existential OCD can affect people’s relationships, work, education, and quality of life.
Of course, these are not the only possible explanations for what you are feeling. There may be other factors or conditions that are contributing to your situation. The only way to know for sure is to consult a qualified mental health professional who can assess your symptoms and provide you with an accurate diagnosis and treatment plan.
I know you said that you don’t want to talk to anyone about it because it makes you feel worse and cringe inside. I understand that it can be hard to open up about your feelings and thoughts, especially if you feel like no one will understand or help you. However, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help as soon as possible. Talking to a therapist or a counselor can be very beneficial for your mental health and well-being. They can offer you a safe and confidential space where you can express yourself without judgment or pressure. They can also help you identify the root causes of your anxiety, challenge your negative thoughts, cope with your emotions, and find solutions to your problems.
You don’t have to suffer in silence or deal with this alone. There are many people who care about you and want to support you. You mentioned that your sister has suffered from anxiety too and that she finds comfort in discussing her thoughts with you. Maybe you can try talking to her about how you feel and see if she can relate or offer some advice. You can also reach out to other family members, friends, teachers, mentors, or anyone else that you trust and feel comfortable with. You can also look for online forums or communities where people share their experiences and offer support to each other.
Another thing that might help you is to practice some self-care strategies that can reduce your stress and improve your mood. For example:
Try to get enough sleep every night. Lack of sleep can worsen your anxiety and make you more irritable and emotional.
Eat healthy foods that nourish your body and brain. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, drugs, or anything else that might alter your mood or perception.
Exercise regularly. Physical activity can release endorphins that make you feel good and relieve tension.
Do something that makes you happy or relaxed every day. This could be listening to music