h

argh. i feel absolutely terrible. like, ive completely violated my own moral code.
so i started a new school and became 'friends' with this guy literally just because he sits next to me in two of my classes. now i know this sounds horrible, but hes just not really my type of person. like hes nice but i dont really want to be his friend but obviously im never rude to him, i just dont talk to him outside of class. its a tricky situation because, like i said, hes alright, i just dont really click with him. anyway, recently hes been saying some kind of odd stuff that i may have just been overthinking but obviously i just talked to my friends about it and we laughed so i thought it was fine. it was literally just something to talk about, i never hated him or anything, we just laughed about the strange things he's come out with at times. then today, i was walking with my friend and telling her another weird thing he said to me and then this guy from my class kept turning around to look at us and he definitely heard what i was saying which just makes me feel sick to think about because i must look so two faced to him - like i sit and talk to this dude in class but now im with my other friend basically *****ing about him. hes a bold guy too, so an irrational part of me is scared he'll tell him. like i genuinely dont understand the version of myself i become in social situations, im a massive people pleaser so i just start talking and dont even think, then cringe when i get home. anyway the worst part was a few minutes after id finished my little vent he literally walks in front of us. my heart dropped and i literally wanted to scream. like theres a high chance he didnt hear and just caught up now since he was walking at a much faster pace than us, but theres also a chance he was behind us the entire time. also i was talking really loud because im an idiot. like i genuinely 1000% will not say anything because were barely friends, like we met a week ago. i just morally feel like a ***** that should burn in hell because WHY WOULD I DO THAT?? Im seriously not going to talk about people behind their back again. That sounds obvious, like i used to never talk about people, but i just started doing it and telling myself its okay because id say it to their face but in reality i think i was just a little bit of a mean person who didnt think about other people and just spoke to please others. im just praying he didnt hear so his feelings dont get hurt, and so i can learn from this silently.