CONTENT WARNING: Mention of suicidal thoughts
The title kinda says it all. Everything seems to feel like it's getting worse and the trend only continues. And I feel like I'm running out of reasons to be happy.
I'm at university because I got told I have to, tried to leave halfway through last year my Dad said I have to stay. And to be fair, I might as well, I'm already in debt now anyways.
I can't get a job, and at the moment the only source of income I have is working as a pub crawl host once a week (if that) which only pays £50 maximum on the weeks I do get. Does that lead to a good social life? Nope. I have been attacked and threatened by aggressive drunks, and the few good people I have met were all older tourists who left and aren't coming back.
Speaking of which, no friends. I have one proper friend I suppose at university who only really talks to me when she wants me to help her with her assignments. My best friend is at university super far away and always busy. I'm lucky if I can get to talk to him properly once a month. I live in a studio apartment for medical reasons, so I have no roommates. I live alone, in a tiny room, in silence, every day. Every day.
When I'm back home I live in an apartment with my Dad who is usually cool, but also makes things so much worse. I've been having extreme depressive phases recently, which always result in him blaming me for not having a control on my emotions and having a go at me for ruining his days when I am depressed (Literally stay in my room and avoid him so that he doesn't see it but still get the same thing either way).
As a musician I can make a space my own with a little bit of my music gear. If I can be productive in a space, then I can be comfortable. It massively helps in my lonely apartment at uni, but I don't have any of that here.
I used to have that at my mums house, but I had to move out because she was emotionally abusive and apparently we were a danger to each others mental health. Having gone back she keeps telling me I need to tidy my room even though it's not my room anymore. It's become her office and her space so I don't have that anymore.
I am single and I don't see an end to that status any time soon.
There are so many aspects of my life and all of them feel just wrong. It just feels like I haven't got anything that I can latch on to for comfort. I'm working on my music which helps sometimes but I'm slowly losing the joy in that. I go for walks, I try to stay fit. I like reading and learning stuff. I keep trying to stay occupied but honestly it's all just me using up time in hopes that when I stop and look at my surroundings I'll be somewhere better. I've been feeling the same, and slowly getting worse for 6 years at least. People have been giving me the same comforting words for all of it "It'll get better" but I've started to realise that that is a completely hollow statement that people may believe but cant back up in any meaningful way because it's just to say it and move on. At this point I don't know what I want. A hug would be nice, a genuine moment of comfort but I also know that at the end of the day I still wouldn't be satisfied. And that's part of the problem, I keep thinking or imagining how things could be if I had something. If I had a relationship and affection. Or friends and fun. Or a job and an ability to sustain my passions. Or a family who treated me as an equal, or comforted me. If I had something. But then I know that it wouldn't take long to become complacent, which scares me most with a relationship. And then I would stop appreciating it and probably feel like I am in the same position as I am now. I spend a lot of time in my head, thinking about literally everything from every angle. And now I'm starting to realise, the probability of me reaching a place of comfort and contentedness is low. The probability of me being able to work something to a comfortable compromise with something positive is low. It's all low, and the alternative is me feeling like this forever. Supposedly I'm in the prime of my life but every milestone that promised improvement to my life or mental health has instead dealt detriment.