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Boyfriend, antidepressants and lack of sex drive
Hi, sorry in advance for the long post.
I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, and was aware of his mental health problems (although perhaps not the full extent) before we got together. During our relationship he suffered from quite a bad episode, and is subsequently on quite a high dose of antidepressants.
For various reasons, we had not slept together before this happened, but probably would have in the near future.
It has now been a couple of years since that happened and we are slowly trying to put things back together. I am immensely proud of how well he has coped, and have no doubts that he is the person I want to be with. However, I am struggling with the fact these drugs leave him with no sex drive. We have talked and been honest with each other about this, and things have slowly progressed to the point where we have had sex a couple of times.
My issue is that it is me that has to initiate anything and I often get turned down. I know he gets no pleasure from it emotionally, and I am left feeling like I am pestering him - like he is only doing it for my benefit. I am very lucky that we are open about it, but at the same time, I am conscious that I don't want to bring it up constantly.
He has told me he is attracted to me, and that he is fed up that the drugs just take away all the desire even though the physical aspect still works. I am a bit worried about what this means for us if he has to be on these drugs permanently as I don't want to give up but at the same time in 10 years time I don't want to come to resent him for it.
I guess I am just turning to TSR to see if there is anything I can do to help him, apart from waiting?
TLDR: Boyfriend on antidepressants has lack of sex drive, how can I help him?
I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, and was aware of his mental health problems (although perhaps not the full extent) before we got together. During our relationship he suffered from quite a bad episode, and is subsequently on quite a high dose of antidepressants.
For various reasons, we had not slept together before this happened, but probably would have in the near future.
It has now been a couple of years since that happened and we are slowly trying to put things back together. I am immensely proud of how well he has coped, and have no doubts that he is the person I want to be with. However, I am struggling with the fact these drugs leave him with no sex drive. We have talked and been honest with each other about this, and things have slowly progressed to the point where we have had sex a couple of times.
My issue is that it is me that has to initiate anything and I often get turned down. I know he gets no pleasure from it emotionally, and I am left feeling like I am pestering him - like he is only doing it for my benefit. I am very lucky that we are open about it, but at the same time, I am conscious that I don't want to bring it up constantly.
He has told me he is attracted to me, and that he is fed up that the drugs just take away all the desire even though the physical aspect still works. I am a bit worried about what this means for us if he has to be on these drugs permanently as I don't want to give up but at the same time in 10 years time I don't want to come to resent him for it.
I guess I am just turning to TSR to see if there is anything I can do to help him, apart from waiting?
TLDR: Boyfriend on antidepressants has lack of sex drive, how can I help him?
get him to see his doctor, it may be he can try and wean himself off, try a lower dose or try a different medication
Can I ask which particular antidepressants he's on, and to what extent they're working in helping his depression? There are various different classes of antidepressants, SSRIs being the most well-known, and within one class the antidepressants are more or less similar in how they work. This means that if for example you're on one SSRI which helps with your depression but you get intolerable side-effects, it might be best to switch to another drug within the same class, so another SSRI, which is likely to have the same positive effect but different side-effects.
If he's not getting particularly positive effects, then it's definitely worth a try switching to another medication. Escitalopram (very similar to citalopram but with less side-effects) and agomelatine are particularly known for their reduced side-effects, or if you can give us a history of medications he's been on and which side-effects were the worst then there might be some obvious meds to try next.
Definitely get him to see his doctor since this is clearly affecting you both, but it can't hurt to do a bit of research into possible solutions first.
If he's not getting particularly positive effects, then it's definitely worth a try switching to another medication. Escitalopram (very similar to citalopram but with less side-effects) and agomelatine are particularly known for their reduced side-effects, or if you can give us a history of medications he's been on and which side-effects were the worst then there might be some obvious meds to try next.
Definitely get him to see his doctor since this is clearly affecting you both, but it can't hurt to do a bit of research into possible solutions first.
Thanks for your replies, it really means a lot.
It is an SSRI (Sertraline - although his condition isn't actually depression, but still falls under mental health category). I think he will eventually see his doctor but due work pressures at the moment he wants to be stable and not mess around with his dose. It is currently working very well apart from the emotional detachment to things.
I do think this will be an option in the future but maybe I can encourage him to ask about swapping instead of lowering the dose.
It is an SSRI (Sertraline - although his condition isn't actually depression, but still falls under mental health category). I think he will eventually see his doctor but due work pressures at the moment he wants to be stable and not mess around with his dose. It is currently working very well apart from the emotional detachment to things.
I do think this will be an option in the future but maybe I can encourage him to ask about swapping instead of lowering the dose.
Another thing to consider is what was his sex drive before starting this medication. People very in their levels of libido and your boyfriend's might have been low to start with. Is his depression adequately treated? Is the low sex drive a side effects of medication or a manifestation of the illness itself? Some antidepressants (SSRIs in particular) are notorious for sexual side effects, others less so. I would strongly encourage him to talk to his doctor about his options.
This website has a lot of useful advice: http://www.relate.org.uk/
This website has a lot of useful advice: http://www.relate.org.uk/
Sorry to hear about this - I can imagine how frustrating it must be. I'm actually in the position of your boyfriend. I have depression and anxiety and although I'm not on meds, I have no sex drive whatsoever. I feel so bad for my bf because he's used to having it multiple times a day with previous partners and right now we manage about twice a month and that's only because I think 'Crap, it's been 2 weeks and we haven't done it, I guess we should do it now', not because I actually want to do it. I find myself wishing it to be over and I feel so bad about that. Just like you said about not wanting to pressure your bf, I think my bf is the same. I have to constantly reassure him that I am attracted to him, but I can understand why he might find it hard to believe.
Sorry, I guess I don't really have any words of advice, but just thought I'd give a bit of perspective from the other side. I hope it gets better. Maybe him lowering his dose (if that's possible) would help.
Sorry, I guess I don't really have any words of advice, but just thought I'd give a bit of perspective from the other side. I hope it gets better. Maybe him lowering his dose (if that's possible) would help.
Original post by Anonymous
Sorry to hear about this - I can imagine how frustrating it must be. I'm actually in the position of your boyfriend. I have depression and anxiety and although I'm not on meds, I have no sex drive whatsoever. I feel so bad for my bf because he's used to having it multiple times a day with previous partners and right now we manage about twice a month and that's only because I think 'Crap, it's been 2 weeks and we haven't done it, I guess we should do it now', not because I actually want to do it. I find myself wishing it to be over and I feel so bad about that. Just like you said about not wanting to pressure your bf, I think my bf is the same. I have to constantly reassure him that I am attracted to him, but I can understand why he might find it hard to believe.
Sorry, I guess I don't really have any words of advice, but just thought I'd give a bit of perspective from the other side. I hope it gets better. Maybe him lowering his dose (if that's possible) would help.
Sorry, I guess I don't really have any words of advice, but just thought I'd give a bit of perspective from the other side. I hope it gets better. Maybe him lowering his dose (if that's possible) would help.
Thank you so much for your response, I really do appreciate it. It is nice to hear the other side. Is there anything that you feel would help in your situation or anything that would reassure you that the situation is ok? I really want to keep up his morale (maybe the wrong word) as I know he feels bad about it.
Like you, my boyfriend tells me that it's not because he's not attracted to me and I have never doubted that. I just feel bad that he feels he has to explain it as I know it's not his 'fault'. Time is slowly helping though, but I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. I think it just scares me in case this is permanent.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you so much for your response, I really do appreciate it. It is nice to hear the other side. Is there anything that you feel would help in your situation or anything that would reassure you that the situation is ok? I really want to keep up his morale (maybe the wrong word) as I know he feels bad about it.
Like you, my boyfriend tells me that it's not because he's not attracted to me and I have never doubted that. I just feel bad that he feels he has to explain it as I know it's not his 'fault'. Time is slowly helping though, but I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. I think it just scares me in case this is permanent.
Like you, my boyfriend tells me that it's not because he's not attracted to me and I have never doubted that. I just feel bad that he feels he has to explain it as I know it's not his 'fault'. Time is slowly helping though, but I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. I think it just scares me in case this is permanent.
I was on citalopram, which ravaged my sex drive. I changed to mirtazapine and this has absolutely no sexual side effects - if anything it's an aphrodisiac.
However, this is for depression - I'm not sure of mirtazapine's effectiveness for other conditions, but it's fantastic for depression. Perhaps suggest this to your boyfriend.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you so much for your response, I really do appreciate it. It is nice to hear the other side. Is there anything that you feel would help in your situation or anything that would reassure you that the situation is ok? I really want to keep up his morale (maybe the wrong word) as I know he feels bad about it.
Like you, my boyfriend tells me that it's not because he's not attracted to me and I have never doubted that. I just feel bad that he feels he has to explain it as I know it's not his 'fault'. Time is slowly helping though, but I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. I think it just scares me in case this is permanent.
Like you, my boyfriend tells me that it's not because he's not attracted to me and I have never doubted that. I just feel bad that he feels he has to explain it as I know it's not his 'fault'. Time is slowly helping though, but I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. I think it just scares me in case this is permanent.
You're welcome
I guess I do quite often need reassurance that he isn't going to leave me for someone who can satisfy him better in that way :/ He tells me it's fine when I say I really don't feel like it and I do know that he means it. I'm lucky to have someone so understanding (unlike an ex who would give me the silent treatment for the rest of the day as some sort of 'punishment' for me not being in the mood). You sound really understanding too - your bf's lucky to have you I try to show my bf I care about him in other ways like organising cool things for us to do or making his favourite meal...etc. and I know he knows how much he means to me even though I find it hard to show him through intimate ways.
Hopefully the situation will improve with you both - has your bf talked to his doctor about changing his medication?
Original post by tommydeaks
I was on citalopram, which ravaged my sex drive. I changed to mirtazapine and this has absolutely no sexual side effects - if anything it's an aphrodisiac.
However, this is for depression - I'm not sure of mirtazapine's effectiveness for other conditions, but it's fantastic for depression. Perhaps suggest this to your boyfriend.
However, this is for depression - I'm not sure of mirtazapine's effectiveness for other conditions, but it's fantastic for depression. Perhaps suggest this to your boyfriend.
I can agree with this. I'm also on mirtazapine and have no problems sexually, although I did have trouble with SSRIs too.
I've been on and off ssris for about 10 years. In my 'off' periods I know I am quite sexual (I'm female with a boyfriend), but on.... Sorry it's just part of the deal. I rarely feel like it unless I've been drinking. Either he can try alternative meds or therapy/exercise/etc instead of? Not many ways around it!
