I'm being eaten by anxiety at the moment. Need to write it all down. Advice welcomed.
I started university in 2012, but after a couple of months I put my studies on hold, with the intentions of returning in 2014 (in about two weeks). Officially, it was because of 'a family emergency*', since that was the only excuse that I could think of that would let me leave immediately, but in actuality I was suffering from depression that was getting in the way of uni life. If I had told them that though, then they would have asked me to go through the appropriate channels of trying to deal with it all there, and I couldn't cope with this alongside university and the exam period.
By the time I left, I was down to an unhealthy weight, my sleeping pattern was in reverse (waking up at sundown and going to bed at sunrise so I didn't have to face people), and I was feeling pretty crappy all the time.
I left with a year and a half until I was due to return, and I planned to get some help and come back much better prepared to face university, but it didn't go as I planned.
I went to the GP seeking help, but after a few appointments she basically said that if I'm not suicidal or self-harming then it's probably just mild depression and that there's nothing she could do for me. I was probably kinda vague about the symptoms when I was there as well (I was feeling numb and apathetic since my life was kinda falling apart around me, so I didn't really put a huge amount of effort into fully explaining how I felt).
I thought I'd try and 'get over it' myself, but after that diagnosis, my mum got pissed off with me moping around the house and kept pestering me to get a job, which prevented me from making any progress. Any time I tried something new (exercise, writing, meditation, etc.) to try and combat the depression, I was left discouraged by my mum's lack of understanding. For clarification, I had a fairly sizeable amount of money saved up (more than enough for the rent my parents were asking for), so there was no issue with finance.
Eventually, I just ended up getting a retail job (40hrs/wk) to get her off of my back, but now I had no time to implement any real change, and the stress of being pestered by my mum was replaced by the stress of having to deal with the perks of working retail (overworked, under-appreciated, mind-numbingly boring tasks), and after sticking it out for a year I left to prepare to go back to university.
So, after a year and a half off to try and get better, I am worse than when I left. I've forgotten all of my A-Level stuff and I get really anxious whenever I sit down to revise it. I feel like I've sold my chance at getting better for minimum wage. I am constantly on edge because I can see the time ticking down until I have to return and feeling worse than when I left in the first place.
On top of that, if I don't return this year, then my place will be automatically withdrawn. The place I have is at a university that is one of the best in the country for my course, and the grade boundaries have raised since I got my place, so I would be permanently giving up on a degree from a prestigious university.
However, I don't feel at all prepared to be undertaking a degree, and by taking this place I void my chance at qualifying for student finance in the future. If it turns out the same as last time, then I'm gonna be giving up that opportunity just to leave once again without any qualification.
I feel trapped by life. I feel like running away, but there isn't anywhere I can go. My chest feels tight all the time. Ironically, I'm beginning to stray onto a path that would qualify me for help in the eyes of my GP, but now there's no time left. I feel pissed off and let down by doctor and my parents, and I feel like I let myself down by not being more forceful and pushing the issue. I am fast running out of motivation to carry on.
Does anyone have anything they can think of that I could do?
(*There was actually a family emergency going on whilst I was at university as well; my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer two days after I arrived. That definitely didn't help, but it feels selfish talking about it affecting me because he is the one that was suffering, so I don't.)
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TL;DR: I put my studies on hold for over a year to try and deal with depression that was affecting my life. Was denied support by GP and forced into working for most of my time off in a job that made things worse. Returning in two weeks and I'm worse than when I left. Panicking. Advice?
By the time I left, I was down to an unhealthy weight, my sleeping pattern was in reverse (waking up at sundown and going to bed at sunrise so I didn't have to face people), and I was feeling pretty crappy all the time.
I left with a year and a half until I was due to return, and I planned to get some help and come back much better prepared to face university, but it didn't go as I planned.
I went to the GP seeking help, but after a few appointments she basically said that if I'm not suicidal or self-harming then it's probably just mild depression and that there's nothing she could do for me. I was probably kinda vague about the symptoms when I was there as well (I was feeling numb and apathetic since my life was kinda falling apart around me, so I didn't really put a huge amount of effort into fully explaining how I felt).
I thought I'd try and 'get over it' myself, but after that diagnosis, my mum got pissed off with me moping around the house and kept pestering me to get a job, which prevented me from making any progress. Any time I tried something new (exercise, writing, meditation, etc.) to try and combat the depression, I was left discouraged by my mum's lack of understanding. For clarification, I had a fairly sizeable amount of money saved up (more than enough for the rent my parents were asking for), so there was no issue with finance.
Eventually, I just ended up getting a retail job (40hrs/wk) to get her off of my back, but now I had no time to implement any real change, and the stress of being pestered by my mum was replaced by the stress of having to deal with the perks of working retail (overworked, under-appreciated, mind-numbingly boring tasks), and after sticking it out for a year I left to prepare to go back to university.
So, after a year and a half off to try and get better, I am worse than when I left. I've forgotten all of my A-Level stuff and I get really anxious whenever I sit down to revise it. I feel like I've sold my chance at getting better for minimum wage. I am constantly on edge because I can see the time ticking down until I have to return and feeling worse than when I left in the first place.
On top of that, if I don't return this year, then my place will be automatically withdrawn. The place I have is at a university that is one of the best in the country for my course, and the grade boundaries have raised since I got my place, so I would be permanently giving up on a degree from a prestigious university.
However, I don't feel at all prepared to be undertaking a degree, and by taking this place I void my chance at qualifying for student finance in the future. If it turns out the same as last time, then I'm gonna be giving up that opportunity just to leave once again without any qualification.
I feel trapped by life. I feel like running away, but there isn't anywhere I can go. My chest feels tight all the time. Ironically, I'm beginning to stray onto a path that would qualify me for help in the eyes of my GP, but now there's no time left. I feel pissed off and let down by doctor and my parents, and I feel like I let myself down by not being more forceful and pushing the issue. I am fast running out of motivation to carry on.
Does anyone have anything they can think of that I could do?
(*There was actually a family emergency going on whilst I was at university as well; my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer two days after I arrived. That definitely didn't help, but it feels selfish talking about it affecting me because he is the one that was suffering, so I don't.)
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TL;DR: I put my studies on hold for over a year to try and deal with depression that was affecting my life. Was denied support by GP and forced into working for most of my time off in a job that made things worse. Returning in two weeks and I'm worse than when I left. Panicking. Advice?
I can actually relate to some of that - I am currently on a second gap year after leaving uni after a term in 2012 due to anxiety and depression. I really hope I feel ready to return in Sept 2015, I certainly don't at the moment.
I would advise you to have an emergency appointment with a different GP. Just because you're not suicidal/self harming etc., it doesn't mean you're not worth taking seriously. Be honest and discuss how you're feeling with a GP and hopefully you will be prescribed some meds to reduce some of the symptoms. Maybe also contact your uni and mention how things are, I'm sure they will provide a counselling service to help you.
I would advise you to have an emergency appointment with a different GP. Just because you're not suicidal/self harming etc., it doesn't mean you're not worth taking seriously. Be honest and discuss how you're feeling with a GP and hopefully you will be prescribed some meds to reduce some of the symptoms. Maybe also contact your uni and mention how things are, I'm sure they will provide a counselling service to help you.
