Family is guilt tripping me

My family relative was guilt tripping me into coming back to her house later today, after we practically spent the whole day together. She messaged me earlier today saying how she wanted to go out and do some shopping and asked if I could come, and I replied sure even though I didn't want to go shopping as I already went this week, but me being the good person, I went.

We go shopping and stuff and it's all good, then her mood changes suddenly and talks about me leaving off with her instead of going our separate ways. She kept on mentioning about this and all the fun we would have together if I stayed the night at hers after our long day together in the shops. And I just said to her that I wanted to just relax and watch tv at my own home and such,
and she made it seem like I couldn't do all that in her home. I even offered her to come back to mine because I'm local and she lives quite far out. She declined and said because I have a pet.

I didn't want to travel all that way to hers, with the day practically almost over, and with no belongings. Plus, I already stayed at her house last week, and I just wanted a break.

I tried to give her suggestions to make us spend more time together whilst we were still out, like going for drinks somewhere, / or going into other shops and she wasn't having it. She kept on complaining about the time and saying how we couldn't do that if we were going our own ways, we could only stay out longer if we were going home together. She continues talking about this matter, and says how she's home alone but one of her siblings offered her and I to come and stay at her house for a while (who lives locally, as well), and she goes on a rant saying it's "too late"(at 5pm) and it'll cost her a lot to get back using Uber. So that's out of the question. Her other sibling lives in the same area as her, and is out at the moment. I thought that it would make sense to avoid the loneliness to go and be with her, instead of her at home with no-one but her pet. ((I just had a thought of this, but didn't mention it)). Now, I'm feeling a bit guiltily of how I handled the whole situation. I feel like I wasn't direct with her. I just wanted to come home to be with other people, and relax and didn't want to stay the night elsewhere. I'm quite content where I am, and didn't want todo anything impromptu. Like, I had the intention of going out with her for the day and then coming back to our own homes. I feel kind of bad for leaving her on her own, but she has/had the opportunity to be with people as well.

Advice on this matter. Am I in the wrong, or does she have a point?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

You have to know where your boundaries and 'red lines' are first - then stick to them

Some of the most manipulative and selfish (or narcissistic) personalities can be the most difficult to extricate yourself out of the proverbial spiders web that they create.

1) Complaining about the Uber being expensive is depositing the responsibility of her issues onto you and making you feel guilty to get a change of heart from you.
2) Narcissistic people will not take responsibility for their own mistakes, issues or problems. If confronted they tend to get angry and blame others. This is classic. Often their favourite phrase is "Do you know what I mean" or "Do you see what I mean"

You now know how this person operates. She will do what she wants to get you where she wants you. You may also have to consider that this is a sexual 'come on' as much a 'friendship' issue.

Some very lonely people can spend all day with you, and not content with four or five hours of your time insist you come in when you get them home for a cup of tea. Before you have even answered Yes or No - they have said "Oh thank you, I'll go in and get the kettle on" Done deal - it is very hard to back out and say no - other than - "I'll have a quick cup but then I will have to leave" But if you know this is a ritual or time capture, right at the start state - "Its lovely to have a catch up but I have to leave at (anytime) 5pm as I've got a delivery scheduled; or a phone call to make, or a doctors, dentist, etc
Or be ready and say something like "That's very kind of you to offer a cup of tea, but I have to get back just now for 5.30pm - I have an appointment (but don't say where) to get to. If they ask say I will chat to you later and we will get out again soon (if this is what you want)

BUT - You have to be absolutely firm and stick to that and do not budge. She sees how easily you will change your mind and extends your boundaries so you are like putty in a manipulative persons dungeon because you can't say NO.

Recognise she will always be like this. Some high functioning autistic people have no concerns about anyone else (& may come across as utterly selfish) But some people are not and they are down right lonely and selfish and expect their requests to be met just like a narcissistic style of personality.

No is a word you have to start learning. Begin - with the good feedback "Its been lovely" but I am sorry I have to leave now.