Fallen out with housemates don’t know what to do

Okay so this is probably a rant/looking for advice if i’m living with people who aren’t very nice people or i’m the problem or maybe a combination. I moved into my house about 4 weeks ago and since then there has been a few things they’ve had to pick me up on. like using loo roll that was one of my housemates (i thought it was for sharing) so i apologised and bought her some more and haven’t done it since, we take turns on cleaning the kitchen and i was a few days late in putting in my shift and mopping/hoovering which i have sorted now though, i also left a jacket in the living room for too long because i forgot to move it, all which i’ve sorted now and apologised for and made good on not repeating. The most recent issue has been that i planned a house party of about 20 friends (i spoke to my housemates about it before but it was quite rushed) i went in one of there rooms and apologised for the rushed organisation as i got carried away since it’s for my 21st bday and was excited. They said it’s fine we just need to have a chat to discuss the details of it so we’re all happy, which of course was all fine. last week i put a message in the group chat as one housemates had gone home for 4 days (so the in person group discussion wasn’t possible) and asked what they wanted to do and it kind of blew up and they said they weren’t comfortable with it due to not knowing the people and the risk of damage and losing the deposit. I said okay i understand the points i just wish i’d know sooner because i’ve already planned it but that’s fine. It was turning into a heated discussion, and to avoid an argument i said okay let’s just cancel the party to avoid the stress. There was some slight tension for a few days, but eventually i spoke to a housemate and asked for a compromise to have a pres instead at the house and make it an earlier night. she seemed fine with it just check it with the others which i was planning on. So i spoke to another housemate about the pres idea and asked for a compromise and she said no and it turned into her shouting at me while i remained completely calm until i couldn’t help but walk away and shouted back, but didn’t name call her because that would just make things worse, i just was like “ your a !!” and never finished the sentence lol. since then i’ve not spoken or seen anyone in the house and iys really awkward. my friend rang one of the housemates earlier because she didn’t want to see her friends fighting to ask what’s going on and apparently it’s a build up of things because they feel as though i’m disrespecting the house and there all frustrated with me. I never wanted to make them feel like that and didn’t realise they did, they went out a few days ago without me and got chinese and today there all going to the pub and clearly excluded me from that too. They were all laughing and getting ready while i’m in my room feeling awful. I’m not saying i’m a person housemate atall and i have done things and corrected them best i can, i’m learning to live with new people! but they also have left pots around and have made mistakes but i don’t think it justifys making someone feel so left out and upset. It’s also worth noting i live a communicable distance from the uni and am questioning if i should of bothered moving out as my main reason was to have fun living with friends and gain some independence but this is currently unbearable.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Okay so this is probably a rant/looking for advice if i’m living with people who aren’t very nice people or i’m the problem or maybe a combination. I moved into my house about 4 weeks ago and since then there has been a few things they’ve had to pick me up on. like using loo roll that was one of my housemates (i thought it was for sharing) so i apologised and bought her some more and haven’t done it since, we take turns on cleaning the kitchen and i was a few days late in putting in my shift and mopping/hoovering which i have sorted now though, i also left a jacket in the living room for too long because i forgot to move it, all which i’ve sorted now and apologised for and made good on not repeating. The most recent issue has been that i planned a house party of about 20 friends (i spoke to my housemates about it before but it was quite rushed) i went in one of there rooms and apologised for the rushed organisation as i got carried away since it’s for my 21st bday and was excited. They said it’s fine we just need to have a chat to discuss the details of it so we’re all happy, which of course was all fine. last week i put a message in the group chat as one housemates had gone home for 4 days (so the in person group discussion wasn’t possible) and asked what they wanted to do and it kind of blew up and they said they weren’t comfortable with it due to not knowing the people and the risk of damage and losing the deposit. I said okay i understand the points i just wish i’d know sooner because i’ve already planned it but that’s fine. It was turning into a heated discussion, and to avoid an argument i said okay let’s just cancel the party to avoid the stress. There was some slight tension for a few days, but eventually i spoke to a housemate and asked for a compromise to have a pres instead at the house and make it an earlier night. she seemed fine with it just check it with the others which i was planning on. So i spoke to another housemate about the pres idea and asked for a compromise and she said no and it turned into her shouting at me while i remained completely calm until i couldn’t help but walk away and shouted back, but didn’t name call her because that would just make things worse, i just was like “ your a !!” and never finished the sentence lol. since then i’ve not spoken or seen anyone in the house and iys really awkward. my friend rang one of the housemates earlier because she didn’t want to see her friends fighting to ask what’s going on and apparently it’s a build up of things because they feel as though i’m disrespecting the house and there all frustrated with me. I never wanted to make them feel like that and didn’t realise they did, they went out a few days ago without me and got chinese and today there all going to the pub and clearly excluded me from that too. They were all laughing and getting ready while i’m in my room feeling awful. I’m not saying i’m a person housemate atall and i have done things and corrected them best i can, i’m learning to live with new people! but they also have left pots around and have made mistakes but i don’t think it justifys making someone feel so left out and upset. It’s also worth noting i live a communicable distance from the uni and am questioning if i should of bothered moving out as my main reason was to have fun living with friends and gain some independence but this is currently unbearable.

perfect **

Reply 2

University of Strathclyde

Official Rep

15

Original post by Anonymous

Okay so this is probably a rant/looking for advice if i’m living with people who aren’t very nice people or i’m the problem or maybe a combination. I moved into my house about 4 weeks ago and since then there has been a few things they’ve had to pick me up on. like using loo roll that was one of my housemates (i thought it was for sharing) so i apologised and bought her some more and haven’t done it since, we take turns on cleaning the kitchen and i was a few days late in putting in my shift and mopping/hoovering which i have sorted now though, i also left a jacket in the living room for too long because i forgot to move it, all which i’ve sorted now and apologised for and made good on not repeating. The most recent issue has been that i planned a house party of about 20 friends (i spoke to my housemates about it before but it was quite rushed) i went in one of there rooms and apologised for the rushed organisation as i got carried away since it’s for my 21st bday and was excited. They said it’s fine we just need to have a chat to discuss the details of it so we’re all happy, which of course was all fine. last week i put a message in the group chat as one housemates had gone home for 4 days (so the in person group discussion wasn’t possible) and asked what they wanted to do and it kind of blew up and they said they weren’t comfortable with it due to not knowing the people and the risk of damage and losing the deposit. I said okay i understand the points i just wish i’d know sooner because i’ve already planned it but that’s fine. It was turning into a heated discussion, and to avoid an argument i said okay let’s just cancel the party to avoid the stress. There was some slight tension for a few days, but eventually i spoke to a housemate and asked for a compromise to have a pres instead at the house and make it an earlier night. she seemed fine with it just check it with the others which i was planning on. So i spoke to another housemate about the pres idea and asked for a compromise and she said no and it turned into her shouting at me while i remained completely calm until i couldn’t help but walk away and shouted back, but didn’t name call her because that would just make things worse, i just was like “ your a !!” and never finished the sentence lol. since then i’ve not spoken or seen anyone in the house and iys really awkward. my friend rang one of the housemates earlier because she didn’t want to see her friends fighting to ask what’s going on and apparently it’s a build up of things because they feel as though i’m disrespecting the house and there all frustrated with me. I never wanted to make them feel like that and didn’t realise they did, they went out a few days ago without me and got chinese and today there all going to the pub and clearly excluded me from that too. They were all laughing and getting ready while i’m in my room feeling awful. I’m not saying i’m a person housemate atall and i have done things and corrected them best i can, i’m learning to live with new people! but they also have left pots around and have made mistakes but i don’t think it justifys making someone feel so left out and upset. It’s also worth noting i live a communicable distance from the uni and am questioning if i should of bothered moving out as my main reason was to have fun living with friends and gain some independence but this is currently unbearable.

Hey Anon, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way :frown:

From what you've said here you've put in the effort to be mindful of others and make up for any mistakes they feel you've made.The things they've called you out on seem so minor, and it's your flat as much as it is theirs. I'm sure there's been small things here and there that you could pick at them for and you've chosen not to! Seems like it's maybe a build up in tension that needs addressing amongst you all.

There's always other sides to the story and you seem open to hearing them out, so why don't you try to organise a sit down/dinner where you can try to air out some issues. If you have a mutual friend who has heard their side of the story that can be beneficial - invite them too and ask them to almost mediate or be a witness so that anything that comes up has been heard by someone else and it doesn't turn in to a you vs them situation. I don't think the situation is unsaveable at this point, as you seem to have an open mind and good intentions here :hugs:

Be sure to update us!!

- Caitlin :h:

Official University of Strathclyde Rep

Reply 3

GeneSom

2

Original post by Anonymous

Okay so this is probably a rant/looking for advice if i’m living with people who aren’t very nice people or i’m the problem or maybe a combination. I moved into my house about 4 weeks ago and since then there has been a few things they’ve had to pick me up on. like using loo roll that was one of my housemates (i thought it was for sharing) so i apologised and bought her some more and haven’t done it since, we take turns on cleaning the kitchen and i was a few days late in putting in my shift and mopping/hoovering which i have sorted now though, i also left a jacket in the living room for too long because i forgot to move it, all which i’ve sorted now and apologised for and made good on not repeating. The most recent issue has been that i planned a house party of about 20 friends (i spoke to my housemates about it before but it was quite rushed) i went in one of there rooms and apologised for the rushed organisation as i got carried away since it’s for my 21st bday and was excited. They said it’s fine we just need to have a chat to discuss the details of it so we’re all happy, which of course was all fine. last week i put a message in the group chat as one housemates had gone home for 4 days (so the in person group discussion wasn’t possible) and asked what they wanted to do and it kind of blew up and they said they weren’t comfortable with it due to not knowing the people and the risk of damage and losing the deposit. I said okay i understand the points i just wish i’d know sooner because i’ve already planned it but that’s fine. It was turning into a heated discussion, and to avoid an argument i said okay let’s just cancel the party to avoid the stress. There was some slight tension for a few days, but eventually i spoke to a housemate and asked for a compromise to have a pres instead at the house and make it an earlier night. she seemed fine with it just check it with the others which i was planning on. So i spoke to another housemate about the pres idea and asked for a compromise and she said no and it turned into her shouting at me while i remained completely calm until i couldn’t help but walk away and shouted back, but didn’t name call her because that would just make things worse, i just was like “ your a !!” and never finished the sentence lol. since then i’ve not spoken or seen anyone in the house and iys really awkward. my friend rang one of the housemates earlier because she didn’t want to see her friends fighting to ask what’s going on and apparently it’s a build up of things because they feel as though i’m disrespecting the house and there all frustrated with me. I never wanted to make them feel like that and didn’t realise they did, they went out a few days ago without me and got chinese and today there all going to the pub and clearly excluded me from that too. They were all laughing and getting ready while i’m in my room feeling awful. I’m not saying i’m a person housemate atall and i have done things and corrected them best i can, i’m learning to live with new people! but they also have left pots around and have made mistakes but i don’t think it justifys making someone feel so left out and upset. It’s also worth noting i live a communicable distance from the uni and am questioning if i should of bothered moving out as my main reason was to have fun living with friends and gain some independence but this is currently unbearable.

Call them into one room and apologise ,they genuinely seem upset at what you've done and you should also probably consider the probability that there may be other small things that you have done that may have upset them however this is a case of whether they truly don't appreciate your ways or they are just simply ganging up on you it is important to find out which of the two is it to move forward.

Reply 4

StriderHort

21

They sound like some really uptight people, bringing up a mess not cleaned is one thing... but a few sheets of loo roll? a jacket 'left for too long'? I'd have laughed and if they had tried to tell me they were serious I'd have laughed right in their face.

In terms of a party, I can see they having some valid concerns and it was considerate and appropriate to sound them out, but it seems to just have been 1 or 2 people who have decided to say no at the end just for the sake of it really and are now pretty much deciding whether you can have guests or not - I'd prob have ignored them. You're speaking about these people like they are the property owners or authority figures, not your peers with equal stakes.

Reply 5

University of Huddersfield

Official Rep

16

Original post by Anonymous

Okay so this is probably a rant/looking for advice if i’m living with people who aren’t very nice people or i’m the problem or maybe a combination. I moved into my house about 4 weeks ago and since then there has been a few things they’ve had to pick me up on. like using loo roll that was one of my housemates (i thought it was for sharing) so i apologised and bought her some more and haven’t done it since, we take turns on cleaning the kitchen and i was a few days late in putting in my shift and mopping/hoovering which i have sorted now though, i also left a jacket in the living room for too long because i forgot to move it, all which i’ve sorted now and apologised for and made good on not repeating. The most recent issue has been that i planned a house party of about 20 friends (i spoke to my housemates about it before but it was quite rushed) i went in one of there rooms and apologised for the rushed organisation as i got carried away since it’s for my 21st bday and was excited. They said it’s fine we just need to have a chat to discuss the details of it so we’re all happy, which of course was all fine. last week i put a message in the group chat as one housemates had gone home for 4 days (so the in person group discussion wasn’t possible) and asked what they wanted to do and it kind of blew up and they said they weren’t comfortable with it due to not knowing the people and the risk of damage and losing the deposit. I said okay i understand the points i just wish i’d know sooner because i’ve already planned it but that’s fine. It was turning into a heated discussion, and to avoid an argument i said okay let’s just cancel the party to avoid the stress. There was some slight tension for a few days, but eventually i spoke to a housemate and asked for a compromise to have a pres instead at the house and make it an earlier night. she seemed fine with it just check it with the others which i was planning on. So i spoke to another housemate about the pres idea and asked for a compromise and she said no and it turned into her shouting at me while i remained completely calm until i couldn’t help but walk away and shouted back, but didn’t name call her because that would just make things worse, i just was like “ your a !!” and never finished the sentence lol. since then i’ve not spoken or seen anyone in the house and iys really awkward. my friend rang one of the housemates earlier because she didn’t want to see her friends fighting to ask what’s going on and apparently it’s a build up of things because they feel as though i’m disrespecting the house and there all frustrated with me. I never wanted to make them feel like that and didn’t realise they did, they went out a few days ago without me and got chinese and today there all going to the pub and clearly excluded me from that too. They were all laughing and getting ready while i’m in my room feeling awful. I’m not saying i’m a person housemate atall and i have done things and corrected them best i can, i’m learning to live with new people! but they also have left pots around and have made mistakes but i don’t think it justifys making someone feel so left out and upset. It’s also worth noting i live a communicable distance from the uni and am questioning if i should of bothered moving out as my main reason was to have fun living with friends and gain some independence but this is currently unbearable.

Anon,

It sounds like there definitely needs to be a house meeting so that some ground rules can be established. This means that then everyone knows how things stand and that no one is waiting 'to fall short' of somebody else's standards! So toilet roll is one item for the agenda. Maybe you can all put money in for household items that everyone shares. (It's a bit ridiculous for everyone to have their own toilet roll if you are sharing one or two bathrooms!)

There also needs to be some flexibility when it comes to cleaning the kitchen e.g. being able to ask another person if you can swap or if it's not cleaned within three days that the person has to clean for the next week as well.

It sounds ridiculous that you had to apologise for leaving a jacket in the living room. Maybe you can invest in a coats rack!

You might have to let your housemates know that there are some things you are willing to apologise for but other things you are not – because they have learn to live with you as well! They are bound to do things that you find irritating, but complaining about every little thing does not make for a happy home. They are some things that you are all going to have to learn to live with.

I am sorry that you were not able to have your 21st birthday party. I can understand fears about things being damaged or stolen, but if they have stopped you from having your party, then are they against any party? What will happen when it comes to their birthday? How many people are they okay with you having in the house? Perhaps you could do a belated dinner party?

Things are very tense at the moment, but it's best to try and get things resolved as soon as possible.

It might not be that these are the people that you hang out with if they are so easily offended and always make it so that your always in the wrong instead of them. They need to be willing to apologise to you for being so harsh and for forgetting that you are also paying rent and for not including you in house get togethers.

Try and keep your cool, but do request a house meeting and try and resolve the things that could up come again or which need to be decided upon.

All the best!

Oluwatosin – 3rd year student – University of Huddersfield