Housemate from (not quite) hell!
So I live with 3 other people, two of which are very tidy and all of which I would consider close friends! We lived with each other last year, and are staying in the same place this year. However, one of my housemates, who we can call 'Cheese', is probably one of my closer friends out of the house. Now we get along well, but Cheese is quite inconsiderate, some cases and points:
- Cheese often steals my cutlery without asking, doesn't wash it up and often hoards it in their room (like Smaug), to the point where I had to buy more cutlery and hide it from them.
- Cheese steals my bowls sometimes. Cheese does wash the bowls on occasion, but often leaves food rotting in there for many days (sometimes weeks) to the point where food has congealed on the sides, this disturbs Cheese so I end up having to wash it.
- Cheese leaves their butter out so it has melted on the counter 3 times. Yes, the entire block of it.
- Cheese doesn't clean the sink in the kitchen after pouring food down it.
- Cheese has set the toaster alight and has not replaced it (this was about 7 months ago.)
- Cheese does many activities which means we will likely not get the deposit back (smokes in room out the window, paint spilt on carpet, hair dye in bath and shower curtain etc...)
- Often doesn't pay me back for takeaways for a few days, until I remind them and then says they will do it later, and then forget again. Cheese does always pay me back but is always confused when I ask for more than her food order because we split the service charge and delivery fee too. (This one is less annoying but it creates a weird tension, which makes me feel hesitant to ask them to pay me back.)
Now all of these things are fine, annoying, but fine. Some were obviously accidents that could have been avoided with care, but I don't mind, they were accidents. However, the thing which has irked me recently is having people over.
For Halloween there are going to be 7 of Cheese's friends round for 3 days. That's 11 people in a 4 bedroom house with a tiny lounge. For the weekend. Cheese said that some of their friends are coming round for the Halloween weekend, and that started as 3 or 4 and then expanded to 7. The thing is Cheese didn't ask us if it would be ok, they just told us it was happening. One of our housemates gets very anxious around new people and often doesn't leave their room if we have one person round for the evening. Cheese knows this, and says that their friends are 'nice' and 'chill,' and the ones that I have met are those things, but there will be a lot of people there, getting drunk etc, which that housemate gets anxious about.
I have voiced my concerns to Cheese, and they just brush me off saying it'll be fine. Our anxious flat mate hasn't said anything but is obviously struggling with the idea, and Cheese has just said to them 'they're really nice and chill people, it'll be fine.' I fear it will not be fine.
Am I just being picky and dramatic? What shall I do to establish my boundaries more clearly without risking the friendship?
- Cheese often steals my cutlery without asking, doesn't wash it up and often hoards it in their room (like Smaug), to the point where I had to buy more cutlery and hide it from them.
- Cheese steals my bowls sometimes. Cheese does wash the bowls on occasion, but often leaves food rotting in there for many days (sometimes weeks) to the point where food has congealed on the sides, this disturbs Cheese so I end up having to wash it.
- Cheese leaves their butter out so it has melted on the counter 3 times. Yes, the entire block of it.
- Cheese doesn't clean the sink in the kitchen after pouring food down it.
- Cheese has set the toaster alight and has not replaced it (this was about 7 months ago.)
- Cheese does many activities which means we will likely not get the deposit back (smokes in room out the window, paint spilt on carpet, hair dye in bath and shower curtain etc...)
- Often doesn't pay me back for takeaways for a few days, until I remind them and then says they will do it later, and then forget again. Cheese does always pay me back but is always confused when I ask for more than her food order because we split the service charge and delivery fee too. (This one is less annoying but it creates a weird tension, which makes me feel hesitant to ask them to pay me back.)
Now all of these things are fine, annoying, but fine. Some were obviously accidents that could have been avoided with care, but I don't mind, they were accidents. However, the thing which has irked me recently is having people over.
For Halloween there are going to be 7 of Cheese's friends round for 3 days. That's 11 people in a 4 bedroom house with a tiny lounge. For the weekend. Cheese said that some of their friends are coming round for the Halloween weekend, and that started as 3 or 4 and then expanded to 7. The thing is Cheese didn't ask us if it would be ok, they just told us it was happening. One of our housemates gets very anxious around new people and often doesn't leave their room if we have one person round for the evening. Cheese knows this, and says that their friends are 'nice' and 'chill,' and the ones that I have met are those things, but there will be a lot of people there, getting drunk etc, which that housemate gets anxious about.
I have voiced my concerns to Cheese, and they just brush me off saying it'll be fine. Our anxious flat mate hasn't said anything but is obviously struggling with the idea, and Cheese has just said to them 'they're really nice and chill people, it'll be fine.' I fear it will not be fine.
Am I just being picky and dramatic? What shall I do to establish my boundaries more clearly without risking the friendship?
Have you all sat down and had a conversation with Cheese? Not in a confrontational way, maybe just bringing it up on the house groupchat if you have one or when everyone is hanging out together. A lot of times I think people don’t quite realise the effects their behaviour has on others. Especially if Cheese is your friend they probably aren’t just living to **** you off, they might have a different standard of cleanliness and not realise it upsets you. The list of things you mention is probably mostly part of living with others, though you should definitely make it clear you need them to stop using your bowls and cutlery. I don’t think you’d have much luck getting them to stop smoking/painting/dyeing their hair as they are entitled to live their life in their own home but maybe you could discuss that any deposit loss from their activities will be on them financially and not the rest of you. Also as a tip household bleach gets hairdye out of surfaces, do a little test to make sure it won’t damage the surface first but it should completely get rid of it - it’s how when I lived in a student house we avoided our landlord getting mad at us as a household full of frequent hair dye users!
The inviting people round without asking you guys is a bigger issue though. Cheese needs to ask before doing that. Where are they planning to have these people sleep - if it’s on the floor of communal areas that’s not fair on the rest of you for having no say in the matter. Probably not much you can do about it now without ****ing them off but as a group you need to agree on a rule that people can’t invite lots of guests round/have them stay in communal areas without everyone agreeing to it. Cheese is definitely taking the **** a bit here and you all (including your anxious flatmate, who should speak up or at least get you to speak up on their behalf) need to discuss how to deal with these things moving forward. You can’t just say no groups of guests allowed because unless that was a condition of moving in it’s unreasonable, but you need to discuss a way to move forward that works for everyone. I don’t think you can stop people having guests if they are around for a short time and staying in the host’s room, but once it’s a lot of people and they’ll be occupying the rest of the house/partying that needs to be discussed with the other housemates and you need to make this a clear house rule for Cheese and everyone else to follow. It’s awkward having to set boundaries like this but having an open and non confrontational discussion will hopefully be better for the friendship in the long run rather than you all growing resentful while Cheese doesn’t truly understand how their behaviour is affecting you.
The inviting people round without asking you guys is a bigger issue though. Cheese needs to ask before doing that. Where are they planning to have these people sleep - if it’s on the floor of communal areas that’s not fair on the rest of you for having no say in the matter. Probably not much you can do about it now without ****ing them off but as a group you need to agree on a rule that people can’t invite lots of guests round/have them stay in communal areas without everyone agreeing to it. Cheese is definitely taking the **** a bit here and you all (including your anxious flatmate, who should speak up or at least get you to speak up on their behalf) need to discuss how to deal with these things moving forward. You can’t just say no groups of guests allowed because unless that was a condition of moving in it’s unreasonable, but you need to discuss a way to move forward that works for everyone. I don’t think you can stop people having guests if they are around for a short time and staying in the host’s room, but once it’s a lot of people and they’ll be occupying the rest of the house/partying that needs to be discussed with the other housemates and you need to make this a clear house rule for Cheese and everyone else to follow. It’s awkward having to set boundaries like this but having an open and non confrontational discussion will hopefully be better for the friendship in the long run rather than you all growing resentful while Cheese doesn’t truly understand how their behaviour is affecting you.
Original post by Anonymous
So I live with 3 other people, two of which are very tidy and all of which I would consider close friends! We lived with each other last year, and are staying in the same place this year. However, one of my housemates, who we can call 'Cheese', is probably one of my closer friends out of the house. Now we get along well, but Cheese is quite inconsiderate, some cases and points:
- Cheese often steals my cutlery without asking, doesn't wash it up and often hoards it in their room (like Smaug), to the point where I had to buy more cutlery and hide it from them.
- Cheese steals my bowls sometimes. Cheese does wash the bowls on occasion, but often leaves food rotting in there for many days (sometimes weeks) to the point where food has congealed on the sides, this disturbs Cheese so I end up having to wash it.
- Cheese leaves their butter out so it has melted on the counter 3 times. Yes, the entire block of it.
- Cheese doesn't clean the sink in the kitchen after pouring food down it.
- Cheese has set the toaster alight and has not replaced it (this was about 7 months ago.)
- Cheese does many activities which means we will likely not get the deposit back (smokes in room out the window, paint spilt on carpet, hair dye in bath and shower curtain etc...)
- Often doesn't pay me back for takeaways for a few days, until I remind them and then says they will do it later, and then forget again. Cheese does always pay me back but is always confused when I ask for more than her food order because we split the service charge and delivery fee too. (This one is less annoying but it creates a weird tension, which makes me feel hesitant to ask them to pay me back.)
Now all of these things are fine, annoying, but fine. Some were obviously accidents that could have been avoided with care, but I don't mind, they were accidents. However, the thing which has irked me recently is having people over.
For Halloween there are going to be 7 of Cheese's friends round for 3 days. That's 11 people in a 4 bedroom house with a tiny lounge. For the weekend. Cheese said that some of their friends are coming round for the Halloween weekend, and that started as 3 or 4 and then expanded to 7. The thing is Cheese didn't ask us if it would be ok, they just told us it was happening. One of our housemates gets very anxious around new people and often doesn't leave their room if we have one person round for the evening. Cheese knows this, and says that their friends are 'nice' and 'chill,' and the ones that I have met are those things, but there will be a lot of people there, getting drunk etc, which that housemate gets anxious about.
I have voiced my concerns to Cheese, and they just brush me off saying it'll be fine. Our anxious flat mate hasn't said anything but is obviously struggling with the idea, and Cheese has just said to them 'they're really nice and chill people, it'll be fine.' I fear it will not be fine.
Am I just being picky and dramatic? What shall I do to establish my boundaries more clearly without risking the friendship?
- Cheese often steals my cutlery without asking, doesn't wash it up and often hoards it in their room (like Smaug), to the point where I had to buy more cutlery and hide it from them.
- Cheese steals my bowls sometimes. Cheese does wash the bowls on occasion, but often leaves food rotting in there for many days (sometimes weeks) to the point where food has congealed on the sides, this disturbs Cheese so I end up having to wash it.
- Cheese leaves their butter out so it has melted on the counter 3 times. Yes, the entire block of it.
- Cheese doesn't clean the sink in the kitchen after pouring food down it.
- Cheese has set the toaster alight and has not replaced it (this was about 7 months ago.)
- Cheese does many activities which means we will likely not get the deposit back (smokes in room out the window, paint spilt on carpet, hair dye in bath and shower curtain etc...)
- Often doesn't pay me back for takeaways for a few days, until I remind them and then says they will do it later, and then forget again. Cheese does always pay me back but is always confused when I ask for more than her food order because we split the service charge and delivery fee too. (This one is less annoying but it creates a weird tension, which makes me feel hesitant to ask them to pay me back.)
Now all of these things are fine, annoying, but fine. Some were obviously accidents that could have been avoided with care, but I don't mind, they were accidents. However, the thing which has irked me recently is having people over.
For Halloween there are going to be 7 of Cheese's friends round for 3 days. That's 11 people in a 4 bedroom house with a tiny lounge. For the weekend. Cheese said that some of their friends are coming round for the Halloween weekend, and that started as 3 or 4 and then expanded to 7. The thing is Cheese didn't ask us if it would be ok, they just told us it was happening. One of our housemates gets very anxious around new people and often doesn't leave their room if we have one person round for the evening. Cheese knows this, and says that their friends are 'nice' and 'chill,' and the ones that I have met are those things, but there will be a lot of people there, getting drunk etc, which that housemate gets anxious about.
I have voiced my concerns to Cheese, and they just brush me off saying it'll be fine. Our anxious flat mate hasn't said anything but is obviously struggling with the idea, and Cheese has just said to them 'they're really nice and chill people, it'll be fine.' I fear it will not be fine.
Am I just being picky and dramatic? What shall I do to establish my boundaries more clearly without risking the friendship?
Anon,
There are certain things that have clearly annoyed you with Cheese and there is only so much counting to ten that you can do before you can begin to start growing a list of things that frustrate you about Cheese's actions. I think you will either have to confront her about these things or not keep repeating the same actions which lead to the same consequences e.g. cutlery and bowls.
I think you need to tell her that your not fine with her taking your cutlery and not washing it. You might need to tell her that it's led to you having to buy more cutlery, which will hopefully make her realise that she needs to stop using your cutlery or pay for the cutlery that you have had to buy. I think you also need to stop doing her washing. No housemate will do their washing if someone else is willing to do it for them. You do need to explain that you are not prepared to do her washing, especially when she borrows your bowl and leaves things to rot in there
!Use a sink strainer sieve for your kitchen sink and take it turns with your other housemates to clean the sink.
If you are really missing the toaster, you could all pitch in to buy a new toaster and can ask Cheese to purchase it by the end of the week.
Ask for the money before you order the takeaway e.g. Cheese can transfer it to you using a banking app or can give you the money. Explain about the service and delivering charge and include that money when you ask for money from Cheese and make it clear that you are asking everyone for the service and delivery charge too. You could even ask Cheese to order the takeaway and then you could pay her. Alternatively, get one of the other housemates to order the takeaway so that you are not always asking Cheese for money back.
I think you need to have a house meeting to discuss having people over and what people do and don't feel comfortable with, especially with a housemate that feels anxious with new people. There needs to be some consideration for your anxious friend as she is your housemate and is paying rent! It may be too late to prevent the people who are coming over already from coming, but you may need to establish some things to prevent things becoming really tense and awkward in the house while they are there or from a horrible argument happening afterwards : (
A good friend should respect you and your feelings and though it's never easy to raise issues, they should be willing to hear you out and to try and make things better. They should genuinely care about your feelings and not want to offend you. A good friendship means that you can be honest with the other person: you would expect Cheese to be honest with you and you would respect that, so don't be afraid to be honest with her, but of course be kind but clear about what you are not happy about.
All the best!
Oluwatosin – 3rd year student – University of Huddersfield
Original post by Anonymous #1
So I live with 3 other people, two of which are very tidy and all of which I would consider close friends! We lived with each other last year, and are staying in the same place this year. However, one of my housemates, who we can call 'Cheese', is probably one of my closer friends out of the house. Now we get along well, but Cheese is quite inconsiderate, some cases and points:
- Cheese often steals my cutlery without asking, doesn't wash it up and often hoards it in their room (like Smaug), to the point where I had to buy more cutlery and hide it from them.
- Cheese steals my bowls sometimes. Cheese does wash the bowls on occasion, but often leaves food rotting in there for many days (sometimes weeks) to the point where food has congealed on the sides, this disturbs Cheese so I end up having to wash it.
- Cheese leaves their butter out so it has melted on the counter 3 times. Yes, the entire block of it.
- Cheese doesn't clean the sink in the kitchen after pouring food down it.
- Cheese has set the toaster alight and has not replaced it (this was about 7 months ago.)
- Cheese does many activities which means we will likely not get the deposit back (smokes in room out the window, paint spilt on carpet, hair dye in bath and shower curtain etc...)
- Often doesn't pay me back for takeaways for a few days, until I remind them and then says they will do it later, and then forget again. Cheese does always pay me back but is always confused when I ask for more than her food order because we split the service charge and delivery fee too. (This one is less annoying but it creates a weird tension, which makes me feel hesitant to ask them to pay me back.)
Now all of these things are fine, annoying, but fine. Some were obviously accidents that could have been avoided with care, but I don't mind, they were accidents. However, the thing which has irked me recently is having people over.
For Halloween there are going to be 7 of Cheese's friends round for 3 days. That's 11 people in a 4 bedroom house with a tiny lounge. For the weekend. Cheese said that some of their friends are coming round for the Halloween weekend, and that started as 3 or 4 and then expanded to 7. The thing is Cheese didn't ask us if it would be ok, they just told us it was happening. One of our housemates gets very anxious around new people and often doesn't leave their room if we have one person round for the evening. Cheese knows this, and says that their friends are 'nice' and 'chill,' and the ones that I have met are those things, but there will be a lot of people there, getting drunk etc, which that housemate gets anxious about.
I have voiced my concerns to Cheese, and they just brush me off saying it'll be fine. Our anxious flat mate hasn't said anything but is obviously struggling with the idea, and Cheese has just said to them 'they're really nice and chill people, it'll be fine.' I fear it will not be fine.
Am I just being picky and dramatic? What shall I do to establish my boundaries more clearly without risking the friendship?
- Cheese often steals my cutlery without asking, doesn't wash it up and often hoards it in their room (like Smaug), to the point where I had to buy more cutlery and hide it from them.
- Cheese steals my bowls sometimes. Cheese does wash the bowls on occasion, but often leaves food rotting in there for many days (sometimes weeks) to the point where food has congealed on the sides, this disturbs Cheese so I end up having to wash it.
- Cheese leaves their butter out so it has melted on the counter 3 times. Yes, the entire block of it.
- Cheese doesn't clean the sink in the kitchen after pouring food down it.
- Cheese has set the toaster alight and has not replaced it (this was about 7 months ago.)
- Cheese does many activities which means we will likely not get the deposit back (smokes in room out the window, paint spilt on carpet, hair dye in bath and shower curtain etc...)
- Often doesn't pay me back for takeaways for a few days, until I remind them and then says they will do it later, and then forget again. Cheese does always pay me back but is always confused when I ask for more than her food order because we split the service charge and delivery fee too. (This one is less annoying but it creates a weird tension, which makes me feel hesitant to ask them to pay me back.)
Now all of these things are fine, annoying, but fine. Some were obviously accidents that could have been avoided with care, but I don't mind, they were accidents. However, the thing which has irked me recently is having people over.
For Halloween there are going to be 7 of Cheese's friends round for 3 days. That's 11 people in a 4 bedroom house with a tiny lounge. For the weekend. Cheese said that some of their friends are coming round for the Halloween weekend, and that started as 3 or 4 and then expanded to 7. The thing is Cheese didn't ask us if it would be ok, they just told us it was happening. One of our housemates gets very anxious around new people and often doesn't leave their room if we have one person round for the evening. Cheese knows this, and says that their friends are 'nice' and 'chill,' and the ones that I have met are those things, but there will be a lot of people there, getting drunk etc, which that housemate gets anxious about.
I have voiced my concerns to Cheese, and they just brush me off saying it'll be fine. Our anxious flat mate hasn't said anything but is obviously struggling with the idea, and Cheese has just said to them 'they're really nice and chill people, it'll be fine.' I fear it will not be fine.
Am I just being picky and dramatic? What shall I do to establish my boundaries more clearly without risking the friendship?
Hi,
I think many, myself included, sympathise with a difficult housemate at some point in their university journey. I'm sorry that 'Cheese' has made this experience not enjoyable for you and above that, has made your friendship difficult.
On the friendship front, I'm afraid you can't really do more than you are already doing by having conversations with them. Some people are lovely to be around but do not have the same values or responsibilities as we are used to growing up, making them tricky to live with.
Having guests over however, is slightly easier to fix. If you felt confident to contact your landlord/letting agency, most contracts usually state how long guests can stay in the house for and some can even state how many. I have a feeling that allowing that many guests for three days would be a breach in many contracts. Make sure you cross reference with your own incase it is different but if it does state a limit, It would benefit you and the landlord/letting agency to make them aware so that they can have a polite word with 'Cheese'.
I hope that things improve for yourself and your other housemate,
Best wishes,
Meg 🙂
No advice, but Cheese sounds utterly dreadful.
Please try to sit down and talk to Cheese and explain that you are not okay with all these. Be kind and respectful and have a civil conversation. Hopefully things will be better
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Is it ok to not go out and stay at home on a Friday night?
- Living alone at uni
- Housemates Read my Diary !
- My housemate sometimes acts strangely
- Housemate not paying bills
- Living with someone who has serious asthma
- Am I a terrible uni housemate?
- Issue with housemates
- Is it normal to not talk to your hallmates?
- Fallen out with housemates don’t know what to do
- Imperial - live in halls or at home? Half hour commute
- Stirling University- Placement year!
- I want to drop out of my second year uni house
- Accommodation
- Housemate wanted!
- Moving out of uni house- drama
- This house is killing me
- Looking for muslim housemates
- Is it normal to be upset about the lack of social life?
- Looking for housemates
Latest
Trending
Last reply 3 weeks ago
Got a third in my second year and the highest I’ve achieved in third year was 55%Trending
Last reply 3 weeks ago
Got a third in my second year and the highest I’ve achieved in third year was 55%
