I don't really know where to begin. The title pretty much sums it up. My life is a collosal mess.
I am 24 years old, living at home with my parents in a semi-shared room with my youngest brother (he sleeps in a loft conversion which is accessible only through a ladder in my room, so I still get no privacy).. I work part-time in retail earning minimum wage. I dropped out of university (studying acting) in the second year due to depression and anxiety rendering me unable to cope with the schedules and coursework, landing me with £30k of student loans debt with nothing to show for it. I have only GCSE's, a college BTEC in Performing Arts and a very basic certificate in IT User Skills which isn't going to impress anybody enough to give me a proper job.
I can't drive, having never had a single lesson, and I currently don't earn enough to pay for lessons AND buy a car plus all the insurance that goes with it. So I am stuck trying to find a better-paying job which I can travel to using public transport, which is very difficult.
I am grateful for my job in the shop, having been long-term unemployed before, but as it is a designer brand it is geared towards hard-selling, which my social-anxiety is not suited for. I am expected to meet sales targets and have to come up with innovative ways to boost sales in my area. I often feel completely incapable of this and so I sometimes dread going to work, particularly if I am criticised when my area has not been selling lately.
I flick through job websites hoping to find something I am qualified for, but fail to find anything. I don't want to work in retail my whole life, yet I know I am not qualified for anything else. I believe my written communication is very good, yet I am incredibly nervous in interviews.
And above all, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. Trying to dig myself out of this hole feels like an enormous struggle. I find myself just sitting in my room, vegetating in the front of the computer or staring out of the window. Or I buy things online just for that bit of excitement when something arrives in the post, which is short-lived. Or I download porn for hours on end, something which I am very ashamed of, but can't seem to stop doing.
I'm supposed to be enjoying my weekend off of work. Instead, I have just sat in my pyjamas for the last two days, not showering or grooming, eating sporadically, going to bed late and sleeping in. After this, I am dreading going back to work as it seems like a real hurdle to get myself out of this state.
I don't really know what I am looking to get out of this post. There is a pressing sensation on my chest, and I just feel like garbage right now.