I'm a lurker, I probably shouldn't be posting but I wanted to vent.
I've been okay-ish for about a month. I'm having fewer nightmares on citalopram and I'm stressing less about my work. I'm not necessarily feeling better in myself, but I haven't been sinking to the usual lows so I'm taking it as a good sign. However two of my housemates told me last night they've been worrying about me for about a fortnight. They told me they'd noticed I hadn't been eating or even appearing in the kitchen most nights. I'd stopped going swimming, I'd barely left my room, and even though I was saying I was fairly happy they still thought something wasn't right.
I thought about it a little bit and then realised that what they were saying was true, and it shocked me a little that I didn't notice. I can't work out why I'm doing this to myself, and I guess it's upsetting me that I don't know why I'm so unhappy. I love food, I love swimming, and I love seeing my housemates, so why am I shutting myself away?
I told myself before I went to bed that I would get up and have a better day today, but I woke up in a state and I felt even worse than yesterday. My housemate tried to get me to eat breakfast but I could only manage half of a banana, which is completely not normal for me. I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed, let alone shower. And all I can think about is this time in year 11 where I felt exactly the same way - I shut myself in my room for a fortnight, I wouldn't even open my curtains. I refused to eat and I pushed everyone away. There was a reason back then but I can't think of anything now.
I'm meant to be working on a lab report, a computer program and an application form but I cannot concentrate. I feel as if it's just laziness and I'm getting angry at myself for it but a part of me tells me it's something else. I'm worrying about everything and nothing and I just want to get away from it all, so I was thinking of going for a walk, but I can't think of anywhere peaceful enough. And I don't want to get out of bed. Why is this?!