Would you rather your children were bullied or the bully?
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I think I'd prefer my child being bullied to my child being a bully. I was bullied myself, and it would upset me so much if my child did that to another person. Most of the bullies I have known lack any sort of empathy and regard for other people's feelings; I wouldn't want my child to be emotionally stunted.
I probably have little authority to speak on this matter as I was never really bullied (if I was, it was only slightly and I imagine nothing compared to others'), but I would prefer my child being bullied. I'd be repeating the above if I said what believe.
Just to say, children are shaped heavily by their environment and, particularly, parents. It's never clear cut to say that bullies are 'horrible' people - I strongly disagree with that sentiment because it is coming at the problem from the wrong angle. Someone or some people in their life have failed them in their upbringing. Whatever it is or whoever it was, if my child was a bully, I would take it as a failure on my part as a parent for my inability to raise my child.
Also, it's worth nothing that some bullied people become stronger as a result of bullying. Life is full of failure, disappointment and heartache, and, as horrible as this will sound, bullying can lead to a stronger and more resistant character. But I can't say this is true for everyone and a majority of people given that so many people can get destroyed physically and mentally by bullying.
Just to say, children are shaped heavily by their environment and, particularly, parents. It's never clear cut to say that bullies are 'horrible' people - I strongly disagree with that sentiment because it is coming at the problem from the wrong angle. Someone or some people in their life have failed them in their upbringing. Whatever it is or whoever it was, if my child was a bully, I would take it as a failure on my part as a parent for my inability to raise my child.
Also, it's worth nothing that some bullied people become stronger as a result of bullying. Life is full of failure, disappointment and heartache, and, as horrible as this will sound, bullying can lead to a stronger and more resistant character. But I can't say this is true for everyone and a majority of people given that so many people can get destroyed physically and mentally by bullying.
Original post by ThatPerson
I just can't think of a logical reason why a person who has been bullied, in this hypothetical, would pick "being bullied". Because I think bullying leaves psychological trauma, whereas Bully's result from fundamental issues that can be resolved. If you can give me a logical reason, maybe I'll change my opinion.
Bullying someone also leaves psychological trauma. Even if you get your issues 'resolved' (especially, in fact) then you still have to live with the fact that you inflicted pain on all those people. I still feel terrible about a couple of isolated incidents where I behaved cruelly. I couldn't imagine living with the knowledge I'd done them every day.
I wouldn't ever want my kids to feel okay with the fact they've bullied someone. But I also wouldn't ever want them to have to live with that guilt. In this hypothetical scenario, someone is going to get hurt. I'd at least rather my kids didn't have to life knowing they were to blame for it.
Original post by ThatPerson
I just can't think of a logical reason why a person who has been bullied, in this hypothetical, would pick "being bullied". Because I think bullying leaves psychological trauma, whereas Bully's result from fundamental issues that can be resolved. If you can give me a logical reason, maybe I'll change my opinion.
This is not an absolute rule. 'Psychological trauma' and 'fundamental issues' are such vague terms that it's hard to know what you're talking about.
Regardless, there is a continuum here. Psychological trauma can be reparable, irreparable or in between. Similarly, fundamental issues can be worked on, but sometimes they can never be corrected. It depends on a lot of things - the person, the help given, the level of damage done. It's certainly possible that a bully has far more and deeper mental issues than they can cause for the bullied.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by MelanieDickson
Bullying someone also leaves psychological trauma. Even if you get your issues 'resolved' (especially, in fact) then you still have to live with the fact that you inflicted pain on all those people. I still feel terrible about a couple of isolated incidents where I behaved cruelly. I couldn't imagine living with the knowledge I'd done them every day.
I wouldn't ever want my kids to feel okay with the fact they've bullied someone. But I also wouldn't ever want them to have to live with that guilt. In this hypothetical scenario, someone is going to get hurt. I'd at least rather my kids didn't have to life knowing they were to blame for it.
I wouldn't ever want my kids to feel okay with the fact they've bullied someone. But I also wouldn't ever want them to have to live with that guilt. In this hypothetical scenario, someone is going to get hurt. I'd at least rather my kids didn't have to life knowing they were to blame for it.
I guess it is lose-lose. I have never experienced the other viewpoint of being the bully, so I was probably wrong to form a judgement, still though, I guess the most trustworthy source would be someone would was bullied, and yet was a bully themselves.
I think that my only true answer is that I reject the hypothetical, because I can think of big negatives for both
: 
It's probably because I've experienced one side of the coin, that I wouldn't want my child to experience the same, so perhaps I thought the "other side" would be better.
(edited 11 years ago)
I would rather they be the bully, but my only reasoning for this position is based on parental bias. It would be better to have two bullies than two victims. Being a victim of bullying affects a person for life. Being the bully, however, can be grown out of. I have been bullied, and I have, in some way or another, been the bully. I regret all of it now, but bullying is natural and is part of children's psychology. We should deter it at every opportunity, but it's an evolved behaviour.
The point is: People grow out of bullying. People do not always grow out of having been bullied.
The point is: People grow out of bullying. People do not always grow out of having been bullied.
tough question but I'm gonna say bullied, as you can be bullied even if you're "normal", but bullies have ****ed up psychological issues. I think it's easier to do something about your kid being bullied (even if it means violence on your part) than it is to fix whatever is making your kid a bully.
Be the one who's bullied.
If any child of mine ever turns out to be a bully I'll know I have failed as a parent.
And to those saying "but what about the psychological scars of bullying" - time heals all wounds as they say, but there's no cure for being a piece of ****.
If any child of mine ever turns out to be a bully I'll know I have failed as a parent.
And to those saying "but what about the psychological scars of bullying" - time heals all wounds as they say, but there's no cure for being a piece of ****.
(edited 11 years ago)
I'd rather my child was the bully. At least when I found out I could slap him/her so hard for it, they'd never even bully an ant in future.
Original post by ThatPerson
I just can't think of a logical reason why a person who has been bullied, in this hypothetical, would pick "being bullied". Because I think bullying leaves psychological trauma, whereas Bully's result from fundamental issues that can be resolved. If you can give me a logical reason, maybe I'll change my opinion.
Whether it will cause long-lasting psychological trauma dependings on a) the victim's personality and strength, b) the nature of the bullying, and c) the support they get. I see that compared with being the bully, being bullied would give my child the opportunity to learn some important life lessons and become a better person because of it.
Bullied. As Jung said, "There is no coming to conciousness without pain". I'm not endorsing the act of bullying, but I see those who have overcome the pain to be far greater than those who inflict it. I wouldn't say neither. I'd rather my child overcome bullying than have a breezy life. A bit harsh maybe...
Original post by AspiringGenius
Ok, I think the initial answer of most rational people would be neither. But just take this to be a hypothetical where you are either one or the other, not neither nor both.
Even so, I think most people out of their humanity would say they would rather thair child be the victim. It shows a better reflection of them as an individuall, obviously not taking out any personal issues on others or harming them physically or emotionally because they just find it hilarious. Also, it could show the parent is of sub-standard quality, not disciplining the child correctly or giving them bad insights on how to treat others.
However as someone who was bullied throughout their education, I can safely say that out of the two, I would prefer my child to be the bully rather than be bullied. My exeriences have destroyed me as an individual totally. I have no confidencce in either my appearance or abilities. I am scared to walk through certain areas of my city because of abuse that continued even after I left the school and I even have continuing nightmares about my experiences. I had the oppourtunity to apply to university last summer and in all fairness, my decisions as to where I applied was based on "what can get me out of this place the quickest and easiest" rather than "where do I want to go?".
Do I want this for my child? No. I know that all that can happen is the parent giving a hug and a pat on the head saying "it'll be ok". Teacher can't do anything about it because they all feel scared to break any rules and half of them are under the delusion that it's ok for bullies to take their anger out on other pupils because "they hve a bad homelife boo hoo". (to be hoenst, I wish this attitude was dropped because it makes me want corporal punishment to be brought into schools)
Of course, this is purely hypothetical and in reality I would raise my children to be neither- having res[ect for others and themselves and being able to defend themselves both verballly and physically while placing them in a school where it's unlikely to be at its worst. If I did in fact find out my child was a bully, they would be getting one hell of a smack (I don't really believe in hitting children, but they would come to an understanding that their behaviour will in no way be tolerated by me). I also know this way, they'd come to the solution of any emotional problems by ending their behaviour.
So how do you feel about this? If you had to choose, which one would you want for your child?
Even so, I think most people out of their humanity would say they would rather thair child be the victim. It shows a better reflection of them as an individuall, obviously not taking out any personal issues on others or harming them physically or emotionally because they just find it hilarious. Also, it could show the parent is of sub-standard quality, not disciplining the child correctly or giving them bad insights on how to treat others.
However as someone who was bullied throughout their education, I can safely say that out of the two, I would prefer my child to be the bully rather than be bullied. My exeriences have destroyed me as an individual totally. I have no confidencce in either my appearance or abilities. I am scared to walk through certain areas of my city because of abuse that continued even after I left the school and I even have continuing nightmares about my experiences. I had the oppourtunity to apply to university last summer and in all fairness, my decisions as to where I applied was based on "what can get me out of this place the quickest and easiest" rather than "where do I want to go?".
Do I want this for my child? No. I know that all that can happen is the parent giving a hug and a pat on the head saying "it'll be ok". Teacher can't do anything about it because they all feel scared to break any rules and half of them are under the delusion that it's ok for bullies to take their anger out on other pupils because "they hve a bad homelife boo hoo". (to be hoenst, I wish this attitude was dropped because it makes me want corporal punishment to be brought into schools)
Of course, this is purely hypothetical and in reality I would raise my children to be neither- having res[ect for others and themselves and being able to defend themselves both verballly and physically while placing them in a school where it's unlikely to be at its worst. If I did in fact find out my child was a bully, they would be getting one hell of a smack (I don't really believe in hitting children, but they would come to an understanding that their behaviour will in no way be tolerated by me). I also know this way, they'd come to the solution of any emotional problems by ending their behaviour.
So how do you feel about this? If you had to choose, which one would you want for your child?
An aspiring genius sure can do better than this. Your question is not only hypothetical, it is also unrealistic and thus meaningless. It reminds me of the question:
"If some assasins kidnapped your two children (daugter and son) and let you decide which of them dies and which of them survives, which would you kill?" This kind of fantastic questions deserve no answer on the grounds that they are not based on reality. Honestly, OP, you ALWAYS have a choice. Now stop being gloomy, go out and get your happiness back because (no offence intended) you sound so miserable.
Original post by AspiringGenius
Ok, I think the initial answer of most rational people would be neither. But just take this to be a hypothetical where you are either one or the other, not neither nor both.
Even so, I think most people out of their humanity would say they would rather thair child be the victim. It shows a better reflection of them as an individuall, obviously not taking out any personal issues on others or harming them physically or emotionally because they just find it hilarious. Also, it could show the parent is of sub-standard quality, not disciplining the child correctly or giving them bad insights on how to treat others.
However as someone who was bullied throughout their education, I can safely say that out of the two, I would prefer my child to be the bully rather than be bullied. My exeriences have destroyed me as an individual totally. I have no confidencce in either my appearance or abilities. I am scared to walk through certain areas of my city because of abuse that continued even after I left the school and I even have continuing nightmares about my experiences. I had the oppourtunity to apply to university last summer and in all fairness, my decisions as to where I applied was based on "what can get me out of this place the quickest and easiest" rather than "where do I want to go?".
Do I want this for my child? No. I know that all that can happen is the parent giving a hug and a pat on the head saying "it'll be ok". Teacher can't do anything about it because they all feel scared to break any rules and half of them are under the delusion that it's ok for bullies to take their anger out on other pupils because "they hve a bad homelife boo hoo". (to be hoenst, I wish this attitude was dropped because it makes me want corporal punishment to be brought into schools)
Of course, this is purely hypothetical and in reality I would raise my children to be neither- having res[ect for others and themselves and being able to defend themselves both verballly and physically while placing them in a school where it's unlikely to be at its worst. If I did in fact find out my child was a bully, they would be getting one hell of a smack (I don't really believe in hitting children, but they would come to an understanding that their behaviour will in no way be tolerated by me). I also know this way, they'd come to the solution of any emotional problems by ending their behaviour.
So how do you feel about this? If you had to choose, which one would you want for your child?
Even so, I think most people out of their humanity would say they would rather thair child be the victim. It shows a better reflection of them as an individuall, obviously not taking out any personal issues on others or harming them physically or emotionally because they just find it hilarious. Also, it could show the parent is of sub-standard quality, not disciplining the child correctly or giving them bad insights on how to treat others.
However as someone who was bullied throughout their education, I can safely say that out of the two, I would prefer my child to be the bully rather than be bullied. My exeriences have destroyed me as an individual totally. I have no confidencce in either my appearance or abilities. I am scared to walk through certain areas of my city because of abuse that continued even after I left the school and I even have continuing nightmares about my experiences. I had the oppourtunity to apply to university last summer and in all fairness, my decisions as to where I applied was based on "what can get me out of this place the quickest and easiest" rather than "where do I want to go?".
Do I want this for my child? No. I know that all that can happen is the parent giving a hug and a pat on the head saying "it'll be ok". Teacher can't do anything about it because they all feel scared to break any rules and half of them are under the delusion that it's ok for bullies to take their anger out on other pupils because "they hve a bad homelife boo hoo". (to be hoenst, I wish this attitude was dropped because it makes me want corporal punishment to be brought into schools)
Of course, this is purely hypothetical and in reality I would raise my children to be neither- having res[ect for others and themselves and being able to defend themselves both verballly and physically while placing them in a school where it's unlikely to be at its worst. If I did in fact find out my child was a bully, they would be getting one hell of a smack (I don't really believe in hitting children, but they would come to an understanding that their behaviour will in no way be tolerated by me). I also know this way, they'd come to the solution of any emotional problems by ending their behaviour.
So how do you feel about this? If you had to choose, which one would you want for your child?
I see what you're saying and I agree.. I would want my child to stand up for themselves and not get pushed around.. but do I want them to victimize the weak.. no.
I was bullied, and I would prefer my child to be bullied too.
Being bullied is horrible, but it provides an opportunity to develop character in a positive way, which bullying doesn't do. Plus it stimulates a competitive mindset which serves well in furthering their prospects, because they get to see themselves achieving far more than their bullies ever can do.
Being bullied = Stronger empathy, stronger resolve, greater determination
Bullying = Weaker morality, potential self-disgust, regret, lack of empathy, paranoia (gangs of bullies rarely have genuine emotional bonds, so you feel like you have to watch your back 24/7)
Being bullied is horrible, but it provides an opportunity to develop character in a positive way, which bullying doesn't do. Plus it stimulates a competitive mindset which serves well in furthering their prospects, because they get to see themselves achieving far more than their bullies ever can do.
Being bullied = Stronger empathy, stronger resolve, greater determination
Bullying = Weaker morality, potential self-disgust, regret, lack of empathy, paranoia (gangs of bullies rarely have genuine emotional bonds, so you feel like you have to watch your back 24/7)
Original post by Juichiro
An aspiring genius sure can do better than this. Your question is not only hypothetical, it is also unrealistic and thus meaningless. It reminds me of the question:
"If some assasins kidnapped your two children (daugter and son) and let you decide which of them dies and which of them survives, which would you kill?" This kind of fantastic questions deserve no answer on the grounds that they are not based on reality. Honestly, OP, you ALWAYS have a choice. Now stop being gloomy, go out and get your happiness back because (no offence intended) you sound so miserable.
"If some assasins kidnapped your two children (daugter and son) and let you decide which of them dies and which of them survives, which would you kill?" This kind of fantastic questions deserve no answer on the grounds that they are not based on reality. Honestly, OP, you ALWAYS have a choice. Now stop being gloomy, go out and get your happiness back because (no offence intended) you sound so miserable.
It's entirely likely that a child going through school will be a victim or exacter of bullying at some point in their lives.
Your post is irrelevant and stupid, whilst the OP's is thought-provoking and intellectual.
Original post by ArcadiaHouse
Be the one who's bullied.
If any child of mine ever turns out to be a bully I'll know I have failed as a parent.
And to those saying "but what about the psychological scars of bullying" - time heals all wounds as they say, but there's no cure for being a piece of ****.
If any child of mine ever turns out to be a bully I'll know I have failed as a parent.
And to those saying "but what about the psychological scars of bullying" - time heals all wounds as they say, but there's no cure for being a piece of ****.
does it though? Unless you know the bully got what they deserved.. I think the victim can still be left feeling angry... you might not be sad or upset but you will still be angry or annoyed at the fact that the bully can still continue living without a seconds thought as to how he or she affected you. Also i think it depends when the bullying happened.. if it was from a very young age it might be harder for the victim to overcome such distress.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by miser
I would rather they be the bully, but my only reasoning for this position is based on parental bias. It would be better to have two bullies than two victims. Being a victim of bullying affects a person for life. Being the bully, however, can be grown out of. I have been bullied, and I have, in some way or another, been the bully. I regret all of it now, but bullying is natural and is part of children's psychology. We should deter it at every opportunity, but it's an evolved behaviour.
The point is: People grow out of bullying. People do not always grow out of having been bullied.
The point is: People grow out of bullying. People do not always grow out of having been bullied.
Not always. Bullies can be for life. The methods can change (e.g. the consequences for physical bullying becomes more extreme at adulthood) but that doesn't mean the psychology of the bully does. People can go from physical to verbal to cyber.
And, actually, in some cases, adulthood could give bullies more resources and methods to bully, especially if they become fiscally powerful.
People might grow out of bullying. They might not. People might grow out of beeing bullied. They might not.
We don't have statistics available for an objective analysis of these statements, and, frankly, I don't believe it's possible to ever gather them.
Original post by Architecture-er
I was bullied, and I would prefer my child to be bullied too.
Being bullied is horrible, but it provides an opportunity to develop character in a positive way, which bullying doesn't do. Plus it stimulates a competitive mindset which serves well in furthering their prospects, because they get to see themselves achieving far more than their bullies ever can do.
Being bullied = Stronger empathy, stronger resolve, greater determination
Bullying = Weaker morality, potential self-disgust, regret, lack of empathy, paranoia (gangs of bullies rarely have genuine emotional bonds, so you feel like you have to watch your back 24/7)
Being bullied is horrible, but it provides an opportunity to develop character in a positive way, which bullying doesn't do. Plus it stimulates a competitive mindset which serves well in furthering their prospects, because they get to see themselves achieving far more than their bullies ever can do.
Being bullied = Stronger empathy, stronger resolve, greater determination
Bullying = Weaker morality, potential self-disgust, regret, lack of empathy, paranoia (gangs of bullies rarely have genuine emotional bonds, so you feel like you have to watch your back 24/7)
Hmm I guess it does allow the victim to become more accepting and caring of others.
This is simple, I'd rather my child to be the bully (we are talking theoretically).
Being bullied is something you can't discipline. You can't send them to their room for being bullied. You can complain to a school many times but the fact is your child will still be bullied so long as the bully is still around. Obviously you can move them from that school but they may get bullied in the new school.
If you child was the bully, you can do stuff to stop them. You can send them to their room, you can take their games from them, and you can stop them. Give them a damn good talking to. Alternatively, you can get them professional help if they need it. You can give them extra tutoring lessons so they aren't jealous of the clever kids. You can help them if they bully because they are upset or have social issues.
There is a hell of a lot more you can do to help the bully to stop bullying, but you can't do much to stop the kid being bullied from being bullied.
That's my opinion anyway. I don't have experience in parenting so don't get upset if I'm wrong!!
Being bullied is something you can't discipline. You can't send them to their room for being bullied. You can complain to a school many times but the fact is your child will still be bullied so long as the bully is still around. Obviously you can move them from that school but they may get bullied in the new school.
If you child was the bully, you can do stuff to stop them. You can send them to their room, you can take their games from them, and you can stop them. Give them a damn good talking to. Alternatively, you can get them professional help if they need it. You can give them extra tutoring lessons so they aren't jealous of the clever kids. You can help them if they bully because they are upset or have social issues.
There is a hell of a lot more you can do to help the bully to stop bullying, but you can't do much to stop the kid being bullied from being bullied.
That's my opinion anyway. I don't have experience in parenting so don't get upset if I'm wrong!!
Original post by Architecture-er
I was bullied, and I would prefer my child to be bullied too.
Being bullied is horrible, but it provides an opportunity to develop character in a positive way, which bullying doesn't do. Plus it stimulates a competitive mindset which serves well in furthering their prospects, because they get to see themselves achieving far more than their bullies ever can do.
Being bullied = Stronger empathy, stronger resolve, greater determination
Bullying = Weaker morality, potential self-disgust, regret, lack of empathy, paranoia (gangs of bullies rarely have genuine emotional bonds, so you feel like you have to watch your back 24/7)
Being bullied is horrible, but it provides an opportunity to develop character in a positive way, which bullying doesn't do. Plus it stimulates a competitive mindset which serves well in furthering their prospects, because they get to see themselves achieving far more than their bullies ever can do.
Being bullied = Stronger empathy, stronger resolve, greater determination
Bullying = Weaker morality, potential self-disgust, regret, lack of empathy, paranoia (gangs of bullies rarely have genuine emotional bonds, so you feel like you have to watch your back 24/7)
But being bullied also destroys self confidence and esteem which can take years to get back!
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