So, a few weeks ago, something happened that made me realise that I was depressed. Of course, things have been worse because of what has just happened, however looking back, I scarily cannot remember when I was last genuinely and truly happy.
I feel as though I have simply been going through the motions of life like you're supposed to, but everything I do, I do because I feel as though it's something that I should do, rather than something that I actually want to do. I can recognise when events should be good or bad, but haven't really felt anything for probably about a decade.
That's not to say that I've got severe depression. I don't feel particularly sad either, I don't cry, I don't get suicidal thoughts. It's more of a very thin curtain separating my experience of life from what the experience should be. I have been diagnosed with dysthymia - a mild but ever present depression, which is accompanied with a small amount of anxiety.
One thing that I suffer from the most is irritability. I feel sorry for my boyfriend at times because he just CAN'T do anything right. There are things he does that other people would just be able to shrug off, but all this time I've thought he has major flaws - but as it turns out, I'm the one with the problem (that's not to say he's perfect, obviously).
So, I was discussing medication with my doctor. She started talking about counselling, which I don't think will help because NOTHING has happened to make me feel depressed. If I'm wrong, and things don't get better, I will consider it. I feel as though I have probably got a serotonin deficiency, and my doctor agrees that if this were addressed, I should find that I am able to enjoy my life again, and experience some relief from the irritability.
We were talking about anti-depressants, however the side effects put me off completely. I thought to myself that I don't feel so bad that these side effects would be worth it (although my doctor suggests that when my depression lifts, I will be shocked at how low I'd become without realising it because it was so gradual and happened over such a long period of time - beginning during my teenage years, where low mood is accepted to some extent).
She mentioned in passing that there are some herbal remedies that are known to be effective for many people, two of which include St John's Wort and 5-HTP supplements. I asked her to give me some time to research my options, and then I would come back to her. After looking online, I found that there are lots of stories about these supplements that are incredibly positive, most of which include a lack of side effects, which makes them a preferable option against ADs, unless you have SEVERE depression which, as I stated, I don't. I've never, ever been unable to function or get out of bed or anything like that.
I found a supplement by a company called Nutriodol on Amazon, that has good reviews. It's a mixture of St John's Wort and 5-HTP (relatively low doses of each, as you can't mix the two at a higher dose) and you only have to take one a day, which sounded good to me, because other supplements stated that you had to take 3 tablets 3 times a day, and I wouldn't remember to stick to that.
I have done SO much research about success stories, read through about 60 pages of Google results to get the good and bad points about it. It seemed to have mostly positive reviews from people who actually used it and I figured that, as I'm not at a crisis point or anything, I owed it to myself to try this.
Back to the doctor, she agreed, so I have taken the first dose today.
I thought I would keep a sort of blog here, to let people know of my experiences. One of the things that I noticed whilst doing my research was that people updated to an extent, but as soon as they felt better, there was no reason for them to be on a depression forum anymore, so the updates stopped - at exactly the point I was most interested in! I don't just want to hear that they felt the depression lifting after a few weeks/months or whatever - I wanted to hear about how, four years down the line, they were living a normal, functional and (dare I hope) happy life, and whether they are now free of taking anything at all.
So I will provide that here, my journey, when I remember. I have no idea how quickly this will work. Most people say that it takes a few weeks to feel the full effects, but because the 5-HTP part of it works quite quickly, there have been reports of people feeling a tiny lift within the first day or so. Well I would very much like to be in the latter category but I'm more than happy to wait a while if needed.
If anyone has any kind of experience with this, feel free to post.
I do NOT need to hear "LOL IT'S A PLACEBO" from people who have never tried it, either. Remember, this is my mental health and the mental health of millions of others that's being discussed - I feel as though I'm taking a positive step, and if it doesn't work then I'll find that out for myself, thanks.