My flatmate's abusive boyfriend
I'm in my second year of university and i'm living with one other girl from my course, who's a close friend.
Since we moved in together, I've noticed how abusive and controlling her boyfriend is. Some of the stuff he's done includes: hitting her, deleting all data from her laptop, blackmailing her and threatening to harm himself.
I don't feel safe being in this flat when I know that he could come round at any time, and i honestly feel that he's capable of trashing the flat and burning it down.
I've tried talking sense into her along with our other close friends to try get her to break up with him since she's unhappy, but she won't listen and insists that it's fine and that he can change. I've signed a contract to live with her for two years, but i honestly feel safe living here if she's going to stay with him.
What are my options?
Since we moved in together, I've noticed how abusive and controlling her boyfriend is. Some of the stuff he's done includes: hitting her, deleting all data from her laptop, blackmailing her and threatening to harm himself.
I don't feel safe being in this flat when I know that he could come round at any time, and i honestly feel that he's capable of trashing the flat and burning it down.
I've tried talking sense into her along with our other close friends to try get her to break up with him since she's unhappy, but she won't listen and insists that it's fine and that he can change. I've signed a contract to live with her for two years, but i honestly feel safe living here if she's going to stay with him.
What are my options?
Hi,
I think that you need to be aware you might struggle to get her to break up with him. I was in your friends position and I couldn't see what was going on in front of me. All you can do is keep being there for her and telling her why his behaviour is wrong and that she deserves more. You could print off some information from women's aid or give her their website to look through in her own time. It might take a while but eventually it could click. If you try and force things it could make it worse for her.
I understand why you are concerned, I don't personally think you are at risk of harm to yourself as much as she is (not minimising your worries here). People like him will abuse their partner because they can manipulate them and they know they probably won't report it..... however..... the risk of damage to the flat is obviously a real concern. My ex got so angry that he went into the kitchen and started throwing chairs. Is it a privately rented house that you are going to be living in? I'd speak to your students union or student support service to be honest as I think they would be able to give you advice on this. As far as I am aware, you wouldn't be able to get out of your contract unless someone has broken the terms and conditions somehow.... but it is very difficult to get out of a tenancy agreement.
You can tell her you don't want her boyfriend to come round but at the end of the day if she really wants to bring him round you probably can't stop her. If there was an incident of violence in the house you can call the police, although this can make things worse for her. It is a very tricky subject and all I can suggest is seeking extra help from student support or perhaps through women's aid yourself.
I think that you need to be aware you might struggle to get her to break up with him. I was in your friends position and I couldn't see what was going on in front of me. All you can do is keep being there for her and telling her why his behaviour is wrong and that she deserves more. You could print off some information from women's aid or give her their website to look through in her own time. It might take a while but eventually it could click. If you try and force things it could make it worse for her.
I understand why you are concerned, I don't personally think you are at risk of harm to yourself as much as she is (not minimising your worries here). People like him will abuse their partner because they can manipulate them and they know they probably won't report it..... however..... the risk of damage to the flat is obviously a real concern. My ex got so angry that he went into the kitchen and started throwing chairs. Is it a privately rented house that you are going to be living in? I'd speak to your students union or student support service to be honest as I think they would be able to give you advice on this. As far as I am aware, you wouldn't be able to get out of your contract unless someone has broken the terms and conditions somehow.... but it is very difficult to get out of a tenancy agreement.
You can tell her you don't want her boyfriend to come round but at the end of the day if she really wants to bring him round you probably can't stop her. If there was an incident of violence in the house you can call the police, although this can make things worse for her. It is a very tricky subject and all I can suggest is seeking extra help from student support or perhaps through women's aid yourself.
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