I'm clueless
Hello, I'm writing this out of desperation. About three weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. I am 20, and he's 21, and we were together since our freshman year (we are now seniors, almost 4 years).
Since the last month of the relationship I felt it had changed, we didn't have dates as such anymore, we weren't indeed enthusiastic about meeting each other and communication barely happened, just on a superficial level. I carried on until Christmas break, where I decided I couldn't put up with it anymore. I broke up, and my holidays were terrible. Not only that, but I spent time with family and friends, it was a kind time, yet I felt guilty and doubtful about my choice. Two weeks ago, I found this forum and I wanted to post, when a friend of mine told me not to since she meant that it would cause just more doubt and perpetuate my mental agony.
Right now, I'm writing this with tears rolling down my face, I can't put up with it anymore. Since the classes started again, I see him everywhere, walking charming and joyful as if nothing had happened, and every time this awful feelings consume me. I fear I ****ed up, he was an awesome guy, funny, attractive and confident but also intelligent and loyal, he had definitely his feet on the ground. Our relationship was almost idyllic, no major discussions, communicating and understanding each other flaws and a good connection. However, it seemed to suddenly have vanished and faded away in just a few weeks. Was it just temporal, and I should have talked more with him about it, or was it the right choice? One of my friends told me before breaking up that I should commit to the relationship, that it's all about ups and downs, now I feel remorse for not listening to her.
Now I haven't the faintest idea what to do or how to react, I feel like there's something unsolved inside me, and I'm afraid I ****ed up everything. Besides, I hesitate to interact with him, since I was the one who broke up and feel extremely guilty about it. He deserves the best and I believe he's certainly moving on, what makes me feel even worse. I literally have my back against the wall, what would you do?
Context update: We are in our senior year, next year I want to start working, and he wants to enroll in a PhD program at another university, this also causes me uncertainty, since we will be separated and in a hypothetical long distance relationship.
(P.S. Emma if you are reading this, I'm really sorry but I had to let it out)
Since the last month of the relationship I felt it had changed, we didn't have dates as such anymore, we weren't indeed enthusiastic about meeting each other and communication barely happened, just on a superficial level. I carried on until Christmas break, where I decided I couldn't put up with it anymore. I broke up, and my holidays were terrible. Not only that, but I spent time with family and friends, it was a kind time, yet I felt guilty and doubtful about my choice. Two weeks ago, I found this forum and I wanted to post, when a friend of mine told me not to since she meant that it would cause just more doubt and perpetuate my mental agony.
Right now, I'm writing this with tears rolling down my face, I can't put up with it anymore. Since the classes started again, I see him everywhere, walking charming and joyful as if nothing had happened, and every time this awful feelings consume me. I fear I ****ed up, he was an awesome guy, funny, attractive and confident but also intelligent and loyal, he had definitely his feet on the ground. Our relationship was almost idyllic, no major discussions, communicating and understanding each other flaws and a good connection. However, it seemed to suddenly have vanished and faded away in just a few weeks. Was it just temporal, and I should have talked more with him about it, or was it the right choice? One of my friends told me before breaking up that I should commit to the relationship, that it's all about ups and downs, now I feel remorse for not listening to her.
Now I haven't the faintest idea what to do or how to react, I feel like there's something unsolved inside me, and I'm afraid I ****ed up everything. Besides, I hesitate to interact with him, since I was the one who broke up and feel extremely guilty about it. He deserves the best and I believe he's certainly moving on, what makes me feel even worse. I literally have my back against the wall, what would you do?
Context update: We are in our senior year, next year I want to start working, and he wants to enroll in a PhD program at another university, this also causes me uncertainty, since we will be separated and in a hypothetical long distance relationship.
(P.S. Emma if you are reading this, I'm really sorry but I had to let it out)
(edited 1 year ago)
Doesn't sound like a fun situation to be in, to be honest lol.
First off, just remind yourself that most (if not everyone) who breaks up with someone wonders whether they shouldn't have done it. If what you are feeling is much much more than the 'what if', then maybe ask yourself why it is that you feel like this: is it because you are lonely / you feel guilty / or is it that you GENUINELY miss him and made a genuine mistake (though you need to remember why it is that you broke up with him in the first place).
If you honestly believe you made a mistake, just talk to him. Just ask him to get a coffee or something lol and talk it out. His genuine feelings will come out then (dependent on whether you are truly, open, and vulnerable to him). Don't worry about embarrassing yourself, if he mocks you for 'wanting to get back' with him, then that only shows his emotional immaturity.
Sorry that you're going through this (also you can 100% ignore what I've just said - I won't be offended lol)
First off, just remind yourself that most (if not everyone) who breaks up with someone wonders whether they shouldn't have done it. If what you are feeling is much much more than the 'what if', then maybe ask yourself why it is that you feel like this: is it because you are lonely / you feel guilty / or is it that you GENUINELY miss him and made a genuine mistake (though you need to remember why it is that you broke up with him in the first place).
If you honestly believe you made a mistake, just talk to him. Just ask him to get a coffee or something lol and talk it out. His genuine feelings will come out then (dependent on whether you are truly, open, and vulnerable to him). Don't worry about embarrassing yourself, if he mocks you for 'wanting to get back' with him, then that only shows his emotional immaturity.
Sorry that you're going through this (also you can 100% ignore what I've just said - I won't be offended lol)
Original post by hannahcrockett
Doesn't sound like a fun situation to be in, to be honest lol.
First off, just remind yourself that most (if not everyone) who breaks up with someone wonders whether they shouldn't have done it. If what you are feeling is much much more than the 'what if', then maybe ask yourself why it is that you feel like this: is it because you are lonely / you feel guilty / or is it that you GENUINELY miss him and made a genuine mistake (though you need to remember why it is that you broke up with him in the first place).
If you honestly believe you made a mistake, just talk to him. Just ask him to get a coffee or something lol and talk it out. His genuine feelings will come out then (dependent on whether you are truly, open, and vulnerable to him). Don't worry about embarrassing yourself, if he mocks you for 'wanting to get back' with him, then that only shows his emotional immaturity.
Sorry that you're going through this (also you can 100% ignore what I've just said - I won't be offended lol)
First off, just remind yourself that most (if not everyone) who breaks up with someone wonders whether they shouldn't have done it. If what you are feeling is much much more than the 'what if', then maybe ask yourself why it is that you feel like this: is it because you are lonely / you feel guilty / or is it that you GENUINELY miss him and made a genuine mistake (though you need to remember why it is that you broke up with him in the first place).
If you honestly believe you made a mistake, just talk to him. Just ask him to get a coffee or something lol and talk it out. His genuine feelings will come out then (dependent on whether you are truly, open, and vulnerable to him). Don't worry about embarrassing yourself, if he mocks you for 'wanting to get back' with him, then that only shows his emotional immaturity.
Sorry that you're going through this (also you can 100% ignore what I've just said - I won't be offended lol)
Update: The last weeks have been just insane. I wanted to follow your advice and tried to find out whether I really want him back or it is just that I feel lonely. After ruminating for hours every other day, turns out I realized I actually miss him. I certainly didn't value what we had and basically thought the grass is greener on the other side. It's true that during the last months the relationship wore off, communication was lacking and avoiding having a serious conversation about it led to this fatal decision.
I strongly believe he might have acknowledged the issues that there were and eventually would be open to solve them and give it another try. I have also accepted the breakup and tried to continue with my normal life, have fun, free my mind going out with friends and meeting new people, but in one way or another he repeteadly pops up in my mind. I have seen him constantly on campus, looking happy and laughing as always, which triggered an inexplicable feeling in me. A week ago, he asked me in the cafeteria to give back some things he had left in my dorm and we met up, however I was so coward that I only gave it back and said bye. I have also heard that he was at a frat party and flirted with some girls, which makes me awfully jealous and anxious.
Right now, I don't know what to do, on one hand I'd like to talk to him and see how it goes, still I'm scared he might reject me or he's still hurt even though he doesn't look like. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt him more and make him feel even worse. This is actually a "second" breakup, once we were separated for a few weeks because of a minor issue, yet we got together pretty quick. This makes me also think whether taking someone back after a second breakup is worth it, all my friends and family believe past is past (unless my bestie Emma, if you are reading this ly).
I reckon that every relationship getting back after a breakup is a brand new relationship and past should remain past. People should give as many chances as they find propitious to. Yet, I don't know whether my fear of being rejected or what other people might say is retreating me back from taking the first step.
I'm having a tough weekend trying to find the proper way to do it, do you have any suggestions? What would you do in my situation?
Original post by ameliedavies12
Update: The last weeks have been just insane. I wanted to follow your advice and tried to find out whether I really want him back or it is just that I feel lonely. After ruminating for hours every other day, turns out I realized I actually miss him. I certainly didn't value what we had and basically thought the grass is greener on the other side. It's true that during the last months the relationship wore off, communication was lacking and avoiding having a serious conversation about it led to this fatal decision.
I strongly believe he might have acknowledged the issues that there were and eventually would be open to solve them and give it another try. I have also accepted the breakup and tried to continue with my normal life, have fun, free my mind going out with friends and meeting new people, but in one way or another he repeteadly pops up in my mind. I have seen him constantly on campus, looking happy and laughing as always, which triggered an inexplicable feeling in me. A week ago, he asked me in the cafeteria to give back some things he had left in my dorm and we met up, however I was so coward that I only gave it back and said bye. I have also heard that he was at a frat party and flirted with some girls, which makes me awfully jealous and anxious.
Right now, I don't know what to do, on one hand I'd like to talk to him and see how it goes, still I'm scared he might reject me or he's still hurt even though he doesn't look like. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt him more and make him feel even worse. This is actually a "second" breakup, once we were separated for a few weeks because of a minor issue, yet we got together pretty quick. This makes me also think whether taking someone back after a second breakup is worth it, all my friends and family believe past is past (unless my bestie Emma, if you are reading this ly).
I reckon that every relationship getting back after a breakup is a brand new relationship and past should remain past. People should give as many chances as they find propitious to. Yet, I don't know whether my fear of being rejected or what other people might say is retreating me back from taking the first step.
I'm having a tough weekend trying to find the proper way to do it, do you have any suggestions? What would you do in my situation?
I strongly believe he might have acknowledged the issues that there were and eventually would be open to solve them and give it another try. I have also accepted the breakup and tried to continue with my normal life, have fun, free my mind going out with friends and meeting new people, but in one way or another he repeteadly pops up in my mind. I have seen him constantly on campus, looking happy and laughing as always, which triggered an inexplicable feeling in me. A week ago, he asked me in the cafeteria to give back some things he had left in my dorm and we met up, however I was so coward that I only gave it back and said bye. I have also heard that he was at a frat party and flirted with some girls, which makes me awfully jealous and anxious.
Right now, I don't know what to do, on one hand I'd like to talk to him and see how it goes, still I'm scared he might reject me or he's still hurt even though he doesn't look like. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt him more and make him feel even worse. This is actually a "second" breakup, once we were separated for a few weeks because of a minor issue, yet we got together pretty quick. This makes me also think whether taking someone back after a second breakup is worth it, all my friends and family believe past is past (unless my bestie Emma, if you are reading this ly).
I reckon that every relationship getting back after a breakup is a brand new relationship and past should remain past. People should give as many chances as they find propitious to. Yet, I don't know whether my fear of being rejected or what other people might say is retreating me back from taking the first step.
I'm having a tough weekend trying to find the proper way to do it, do you have any suggestions? What would you do in my situation?
First off, I'm not sure what other people in your life are telling you / advising you to do, but you should 100% take their advise over mine, because they know context, how your relationship was like before, any red flags etc. However, I would say that if you truly miss him, think you made a genuine mistake, and that if you got back with him, it would be good for you - then I say go for it.
Everyone gets the whole battle of, 'what if he doesn't like me' etc etc, but most likely you won't give a **** in 20 years. You only live once, go get what you want, and if he rejects you - then that is entirely on him.
No idea how you would logistically do it, I suppose it depends on your situation. I'd probably text him and be like, 'hey, can we talk over coffee?'
Let me know how it all goes!!!
Whilst I, obviously don’t know the exact ins-and-outs of your relationship, It sounds to me like it’s something you should let go. Life is too short for crappy relationships, and anything less than what you picture as the relationship you’d want. It’s completely normal to feel upset, or even slightly jealous at the loss of a relationship; It’s like mourning the loss of a person. Sometimes, someone can be the perfect t list of everything you’d want, but the spark fades out, and that’s fine. He’s likely to also be feeling similarly - if he’s trying to flirt with girls, it’s likely he wants a distraction from you. I’d say you’re best of forgetting him, and not settling. Whilst I completely get what your friend says about a relationship being about hard work, I think unless you have that stable foundation of communication, and openness, there isn’t a point of working to a hopeless cause. Of course, this is just my opinion, but I wouldn’t settle once the sparks’ burnt out. Some candles are longer, some are shorter than others 🤷*♀️
Original post by hannahcrockett
First off, I'm not sure what other people in your life are telling you / advising you to do, but you should 100% take their advise over mine, because they know context, how your relationship was like before, any red flags etc. However, I would say that if you truly miss him, think you made a genuine mistake, and that if you got back with him, it would be good for you - then I say go for it.
Everyone gets the whole battle of, 'what if he doesn't like me' etc etc, but most likely you won't give a **** in 20 years. You only live once, go get what you want, and if he rejects you - then that is entirely on him.
No idea how you would logistically do it, I suppose it depends on your situation. I'd probably text him and be like, 'hey, can we talk over coffee?'
Let me know how it all goes!!!
Everyone gets the whole battle of, 'what if he doesn't like me' etc etc, but most likely you won't give a **** in 20 years. You only live once, go get what you want, and if he rejects you - then that is entirely on him.
No idea how you would logistically do it, I suppose it depends on your situation. I'd probably text him and be like, 'hey, can we talk over coffee?'
Let me know how it all goes!!!
Last update: Time has passed and so have my emotions. It was a tough time though. I indeed talked with him, however it was a completely organic interaction (marketing slang haha just by coincidence). Last week ago I saw him sitting on a bench in campus and I thought now or never. I sat with him and we started talking. At the beginning it felt kind of awkward but somehow later on was as if nothing had happened and I felt so close but at the same time so apart from him. It confused me quite a lot because when he left I felt like I had enjoyed the conversation with him and wanted more. Anyway I've decided to just let it and if it's meant to be, our lives will cross again at some point. Soon I'll finally graduate and we'll see what the future holds for me.
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