I am not the philosopher type and I usually can't speak with eloquence about subjective matters. My friends call me (Dr Temperence) Bones (from the series Bones) so you see what you're dealing with.
I don't believe in God and yes, I was brought up in a catholic famliy/used to go to church every sunday/believed in God until recently.
First I started to question my religion.... I was not buying the things that the priests used to tell in the church anymore.... I didn't believe in Mary, Jesus, Adam and Eve... But I felt good about myself when I was in church. Being there used to provide me with a feeling of peace. So I decided the catholic religion was not doing it for me and I also decided that I could believe my own thing, which was a God that doesn't have a face, that is simply a strenght but I still felt good about praying as it gave me a sense of confidence. Then I started to question myself again. I realised that the only reasons why I was holding to this new religion was the fear of losing faith. The problem? Once you get to that point it is already lost. I then GRADUALLY acknowledged that to me:
- the entitie I called God does not exist, altough you can call GOD to nature, to cosmos, whatever. But a creator, a force that protects u and listens to your prayers... Erm... No.
- the reason why I used to feel good about going to church was that we always feel good when we feel we are doing something right. I feel as good when I bake my mum a cake, when I help a old person cross the street or do something important to a friend/relative.
- the reason why I was refusing to accept that my faith was gone long ago was that it is tough, really tough, to let go of your comforting 'beliefs'. At this point those are not beliefs anymore, but well, I don't know what to call them. So yeah, it's a real shock.
Even now I still feel bad about expressing my views on certain aspects of faith to extremely religious people. They really can make you feel like a monster. But the way I see it, most of them are as scared of losing their faith as I once was. Also, some religions are really strict and definitely have a hudge impact on people's reasoning, a traumatic effect in some cases.
I don't know if you're living the same phase I have lived, but it sort of looks like it. However only u can find the aswer.