Is it rape if he's my boyfriend

Right, so I like having sex with my boyfriend.. nothing wrong with that (p.s yes this is a little crude I'm sorry)
But sometimes after the second time we've had sex, I don't want to anymore, purely because it hurts, so he will start fingering me.. and i'll say no, and then he accepts it, but then he starts again.. and this goes on and on, even though i'm saying no. Eventually i give in.. purely because he's in sucha bad mood and because I can't be bothered to fight anymore, I then end up being in pain for a few days because of it.. he say's sorry, but still? Is that rape..?

Reply 1

Zoombini

4

I wouldn't say its rape if you 'give in' and let him but it's definitely not right that he's pressuring you to have sex all the time. I would say don't give in and he keeps pressuring you maybe you should rethink your relationship.

Reply 2

Sunshine showers

12

What a loving relationship you've got there.

Reply 3

Nicola.

Just because it's not rape, doesn't mean that it's right. He's pressuring you into something you clearly don't want to do - so don't let him. Say no, push him away, get dressed and walk away. Set your boundaries and make sure he doesn't overstep them.

In saying that, he sounds like a dick, you should probably just dump him.

Reply 4

Klayton

Not rape, as you say you give in and let him. However, it doesn't sound like a good situation.

You say he gets in a bad mood when trying to coax you into more sex. That sounds slightly worrying. If he's manipulative or forceful about it I would advise getting well clear of him before you end up having some serious issues.

If he's polite and respectful while still trying to advance on you, you guys probably have differing sex drives. Talk about it, honestly and openly. Work out if you're right for each other, and think of some "other things" you can do to deal with your disparity in the desire for sex.

Reply 5

sheepy18

8

Its not rape because you eventually consent. But he shouldnt pressure you when its painful, tell him it stops now or you leave. Simple as.

Reply 6

Shockolate

10

I'd class that as rape. Others are saying it isn't because you 'give in and let him' but you've repeatedly said no and he's just carried on against your wishes till you stop fighting and just get it over with, and it sounds like you feel forced because he's in a bad mood. It might not be what others would typically class as rape, but he is basically forcing you into having sex when you don't want to and have expressed that you don't want to. Just because there isn't a violent struggle it doesn't mean it's not rape.

I agree it isn't a very black and white situation but regardless of whether people think it's rape or not, he isn't being respectful of you and your body.

A note to everyone, rape can happen in relationships and marriages. And it doesn't have to be violent, if someone submits to sex due to being grinded down or out of fear or manipulation, it is still rape.

Reply 7

Shockolate

10

Original post by sheepy18

Its not rape because you eventually consent. But he shouldnt pressure you when its painful, tell him it stops now or you leave. Simple as.

I wouldn't say 'giving in' means she has given consent.

Reply 8

x-Disenchanted-x

12

My ex used to do that, and I thought it was just normal, but what he's doing just shows a complete lack of respect. You need to tell him how serious you feel about this.

Reply 9

username865376

2

It's not rape, but it's not right if you've asked him to stop.

I agree with the poster above, you have to tell him how serious you feel about this if it continues to bother you.

Reply 10

TheBigCh

It's rape if you view it as such - the boundary of consent there is really up to you.

That said, his behaviour is unacceptable in any way. No means no.

Reply 11

neom

10

Yes, yes it is.
you told him no and to stop repeatedly and he refused.
So, you didnt consent. 'giving in' doesn't mean you want whatever's happening to happen.

Reply 12

kersteelou

6

I don't think it's rape, but it's definitely not right. But you already know that. Tell him that it can't keep happening (preferably when you're not already in that situation). Just find some time to tell him that he can't keep doing it and that it's not right

Reply 13

GStevens

16

Original post by Anonymous

Right, so I like having sex with my boyfriend.. nothing wrong with that (p.s yes this is a little crude I'm sorry)
But sometimes after the second time we've had sex, I don't want to anymore, purely because it hurts, so he will start fingering me.. and i'll say no, and then he accepts it, but then he starts again.. and this goes on and on, even though i'm saying no. Eventually i give in.. purely because he's in sucha bad mood and because I can't be bothered to fight anymore, I then end up being in pain for a few days because of it.. he say's sorry, but still? Is that rape..?

You are being coerced into sex, it's hard to argue that it's not rape. It is very unlikely to hold water in court though.

I would suggest that what you need is a new boyfriend, this one sounds like a real charmer. This happens repeatedly, he know the results, you will be in pain for a few day, and yet he does it again. He hurts you then he apologises. Go to a womans refuge and chat to a couple of the women there, they all know the pattern. Some of them will tell you when it started and how long they let the cycle of abuse/apology go on for. It's not stretching things too much to imagine the time when the 'bad mood' becomes a bit of a slap...

While it is not your fault, and at no point will it become your fault, you have to accept some responsibility for repeatedly putting yourself in that situation. You are responsible for your own safety.

Get rid of him, while it may not get worse it is very unlikely to get better and you shouldn't be putting up with it. If you keep accepting it you send him the message that it's ok.

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 14

missygeorgia

18

Yes, it is rape. You asked him to stop and he didn't stop. Giving in to coercion isn't consent.

But even if it wasn't technically rape - which it is - it's still abusive, and you're not safe in this relationship. Please try and talk to someone you trust about it.

Reply 15

GStevens

16

Quite surprised at the number of people who say it's not rape because you 'gave in'. Shows just how many young people are confused about the issue.
Would those same people say it wasn't rape if it wasn't just a 'bad mood' that was used but a knife? Consent must be freely given, if you say yes because you are coerced then isn't consent.
This sort of situation highlights why we need different levels of rape in law. Because this particular situation would be regarded as less serious than a stranger rape at knifepoint it would never be prosecuted,.a lesser crime, perhaps 'Coercive sexual assault, might see this bully in court.

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 16

AliceStrawbs

10

Yes, you said no and he didn't listen.

Maybe a few of the "No, not rape" people need to take heed of the new ad campaign that addresses rape in relationships.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/17238674

Reply 17

AlmostChicGeek

11

Original post by AliceStrawbs

Yes, you said no and he didn't listen.

Maybe a few of the "No, not rape" people need to take heed of the new ad campaign that addresses rape in relationships.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/17238674

I'm confused, I read the link to the actual news story (video didn't work on my iPad) and the girl said she was beaten unconscious and then was raped, not that she eventually said yes to her boyfriend after repeatedly saying no. :s-smilie:

Obviously what is happening to the OP is wrong, and she definitely needs to ditch her boyfriend. However what she said is that she eventually gives in because he gets into a bad mood if she doesn't, how is that the same as rape? Obviously it is very difficult to not give in, and I am in no way blaming her for her boyfriends messed up views on how sex works in a relationship, but she does end up having sex with him, rather than walking away. I know it takes a lot of courage to walk away from that situation, and I know I would find it difficult, but it is a possibility available to her, however hard.

I think I am missing something here, or not understanding something, so can you clarify the whole situation for me? Obviously I want to be clear on this for myself incase I ever get into the situation! :smile:

Reply 18

AliceStrawbs

10

Original post by AlmostChicGeek

I'm confused, I read the link to the actual news story (video didn't work on my iPad) and the girl said she was beaten unconscious and then was raped, not that she eventually said yes to her boyfriend after repeatedly saying no. :s-smilie:

Obviously what is happening to the OP is wrong, and she definitely needs to ditch her boyfriend. However what she said is that she eventually gives in because he gets into a bad mood if she doesn't, how is that the same as rape? Obviously it is very difficult to not give in, and I am in no way blaming her for her boyfriends messed up views on how sex works in a relationship, but she does end up having sex with him, rather than walking away. I know it takes a lot of courage to walk away from that situation, and I know I would find it difficult, but it is a possibility available to her, however hard.

I think I am missing something here, or not understanding something, so can you clarify the whole situation for me? Obviously I want to be clear on this for myself incase I ever get into the situation! :smile:

The video is basically about a new government incentive to let young people know that if you do not give your consent to sex in a relationship then that is still rape. It also says how many girls feel like they have to "give in" because they're afraid of what will happen if they don't and how no means NO. (The story doesn't fully explain that but the video did)

The OP said that she eventually gives in and lets him have sex with her but she doesn't say that she's consented and said Yes, just that she's not trying to stop him - maybe she's afraid of his reaction or doesn't feel like she can. The fact that she's said that he's fingering her whilst she's saying no would be making it clear that she wasn't up for it.

This story is a bit clearer http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-17251461

Reply 19

jami74

12

Original post by GStevens

While it is not your fault, and at no point will it become your fault, you have to accept some responsibility for repeatedly putting yourself in that situation. You are responsible for your own safety.

If you keep accepting it you send him the message that it's ok.

Definately this ^.

I believe that relationships can be turned around. Now that you've recognised what is going on you need to get really tough and lay down the law about what is acceptable and what isn't. He'll try it on anyway but you'll need to stand firm. If he loves you and is just behaving badly because he can get away with it then he'll sort it out and respect you more for respecting yourself. If he doesn't sort himself out then it is because he doesn't love and respect you enough to make the effort.

Is it rape if he's my boyfriend

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