Anxiety about what happened (possible rape)

I have been in a relationship with a guy I really love for 3 years. We have had issues but I still have always wanted to be with him and never thought about cheating and or that I wanna be with someone else. I have had dangerous incidents with alcohol but I have always found my way home with friend or alone even if I was blacked out. I have been functional during brownouts but based on what ive been told when i have blacked out like for 5-6 hours I have been so drunk that I have barely been functional.

Last year I got to know a girl who had a habit of drinking too much and I went along with her one night. She suggested we take a lot of shots and I did. I havent had much to eat that day, I was so stupid. I lost her and blacked out and the last memories I have are being with her in the bar.

Suddenly I wake up with a total strangers house (a man) and he is inside me. I dont even realize it fully and remember thinking that I must be at home. I realize at some point that im not home and not dreaming that the man is a total stranger. I panic and try to push him away using not much force and saying ’you cant’. He doesnt stop right away but I assume after he cummed I got myself away and I legf shocked almost immediately. I had lost my phone and my bad was at the stairs in front of his apartment.

At home I realize I had his snap and messages him what the hell happened. He didnt say it straightforward. I told my boyfriend what i remember and he was shocked as well. He said that I should ask him what happened. The stranger messaged that I had been the first to kiss him and I was terrified. My boyfriend got really mad and sucpicious (for a reason). He has seen me a few times blacked out and then I was slurring my words and almost passing out, not fully being aware of where I am and what was happening. I think I have not been able to concent but he claimed that I was active and we did oral etc.. at some point im sure that I passed out. He told me he was drunk as well but remembered everything and didnt lose his stuff. He said that we had met outside of the bar. I dont know why I left with him or even talked to him. I have never had in mind to go talk to strangers or even go to his place (unless there are other people or girls too). Never wanted to have sex or cheat no matter what. Could he have prayed me? Who even takes a girl without even getting to know her at all? My friend has said that guy has touched her friends at s bar even though they said stop. He has also been known to initiate sex with her friends.

Could it be he is lying? Could it have been that he forced me to cooperate out of fear or my state? Im sure I didnt know where I was because I asked him at some point that ’are there other people’? Which he answered no. I also remember feeling like something stuck nh throat and pain in my ass. Why didnt i realize it until the morning when he was inside me? Could i have thought I dreamed? The anxiety is killing me. I have had blacked out sex with my bf also.

I went to test std and my boyfriend is still with me even though we cant be sure what happened. All i know i was stupid and feel violated and taken advantage of. I have always wanted to go home and found home. I assume I wanted to that night too. I will never drink that much again.

Reply 1

Surnia

Report it to the police.

And remember that your boyfriend shouldn't be having sex with you if you can't consent; even in a relationship, you can be raped.

Reply 2

justagir

Yeah I think I have to because this is ruining my mental health for real. I dont want him to lure on other girls.
However I was so ****ed up and feeling such a shame about what happened I tried to find where he lived (I didnt recognize the house bc of my blackout) so I could talk to him in person. Huge mistake. Found his house and asked what happened. He said that we had sex. I panicked and started doubting even myself and told him I had never intended to cheat and I didnt remember anything. I asked him with teary eyes to say to me and my bf that nothing happened. I shouldnt have done that and even go to his house at all. That can mess up the investogation.. i was so messed up but I knew that I couldnt have been in condition to consent. To him idk what I seemed like. Probably very very drunk or even passed out at some point. I should have said it to him on his face. That he took advantage of me. Not begging him to say that nothing happened. There I messed up.

He even told me I told him I had a boyfriend. And still. Why didnt it bother him.

And yeah I wont have sex in that condition or even get to that level anymore. This was a lesson for me.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Also how the hell did I have his snap? My phone was at the bar and lost there. According to him we met outside of the bar (i assume I was leaving home). Did he ask for that at his place and I gave it to him?? Idk I can never know for sure.