Getting back with ex?
Firstly apologies for the long post but I need to go into detail..
Me and my girlfriend broke up 3 months ago (beginning of May). I ended the relationship because I felt she didn’t respect me or appreciate everything I did for her. There’s an age gap between us - I’m 35 and she’s 26. She came over from China for university but wants to stay here now that she’s graduated. We both saw eachother as life partners and discussed a serious future together, having kids etc. Throughout our time together she practically lived at my house. When I asked her to leave it got messy and she started to show some serious bunny boiler type behaviour (I.e showing up at my workplace, standing outside my house without my consent). It just showed again to me she didn’t respect my wishes for some space.
I eventually had to block her no and on social media so we could have a clean break. In that period I matched with her best on a dating app (Hinge). I know that caused alot of issues between them and technically whilst we weren’t together I could do that morally it was wrong.
We hadn’t spoke in months but she reached out to me from another no last week to say she’s moving to London in 1 weeks time to look for a job and asked if we could meet to put things to rest. I was reluctant but said yes and met her a couple of days later for a coffee. We had a long serious chat and go on fine until she brought up matching with her friend.. I know this really upset her and I regret doing it. It was an immature thing to do but I guess I just wanted the news to get to her that I was on the app. We ended up back at my house and had sex. It felt better than ever before.
My mind is all over the place now because I know I still love her and wish we could be together still but there’s serious issues that I just can’t stop thinking about:
She told me when we were apart she went on dates with many men. Only slept with 2. One was a guy she knew previously and went to the same gym as her and she knew he wanted to have sex with her but they never did until now. The she was with the second guy throughout all of July and apparently had sex 2-3 a day. With both guys she stayed at their houses a lot. She tells me it was just to pass the time and she didn’t enjoy so much because she didn’t love them. She emphasised how much better sex is with me but she may be just saying that to make me feel better about myself. Whilst she had every right to have sex with other people because we weren’t together I can’t help feeling upset and jealous. She was a virgin before she came to the UK so didn’t have a great deal of experience. I held having sex with her as sacred and something really special when we were together however she knew these guys just wanted her for sex and she happily gave it them.
The second issue is I found out whilst we were apart she also travelled to a few different countries with her ex who lives in China. She says she sees him as like a family member but has no romantic feelings for him HOWEVER since we broke up she said he was in contact with her alot and was very supportive of her. She has told me guys like him are so hard to find, that will do anything for you and not ask for anything in return. She said after seeing his support if she decided to move back to China then she would marry him and have his kids. I felt sick hearing this.. is it just me or is this screwed up? She tells me she doesn’t want to be with him because he still loves me but if we didn’t have a future and she didn’t stay in the UK she would be with him.
At the moment my head feels so heavy, like a huge burden full of dread and jealousy. Thinking about her with other guys etc I know my head tells me to walk again but my heart is still with her.
Advise please!
Me and my girlfriend broke up 3 months ago (beginning of May). I ended the relationship because I felt she didn’t respect me or appreciate everything I did for her. There’s an age gap between us - I’m 35 and she’s 26. She came over from China for university but wants to stay here now that she’s graduated. We both saw eachother as life partners and discussed a serious future together, having kids etc. Throughout our time together she practically lived at my house. When I asked her to leave it got messy and she started to show some serious bunny boiler type behaviour (I.e showing up at my workplace, standing outside my house without my consent). It just showed again to me she didn’t respect my wishes for some space.
I eventually had to block her no and on social media so we could have a clean break. In that period I matched with her best on a dating app (Hinge). I know that caused alot of issues between them and technically whilst we weren’t together I could do that morally it was wrong.
We hadn’t spoke in months but she reached out to me from another no last week to say she’s moving to London in 1 weeks time to look for a job and asked if we could meet to put things to rest. I was reluctant but said yes and met her a couple of days later for a coffee. We had a long serious chat and go on fine until she brought up matching with her friend.. I know this really upset her and I regret doing it. It was an immature thing to do but I guess I just wanted the news to get to her that I was on the app. We ended up back at my house and had sex. It felt better than ever before.
My mind is all over the place now because I know I still love her and wish we could be together still but there’s serious issues that I just can’t stop thinking about:
She told me when we were apart she went on dates with many men. Only slept with 2. One was a guy she knew previously and went to the same gym as her and she knew he wanted to have sex with her but they never did until now. The she was with the second guy throughout all of July and apparently had sex 2-3 a day. With both guys she stayed at their houses a lot. She tells me it was just to pass the time and she didn’t enjoy so much because she didn’t love them. She emphasised how much better sex is with me but she may be just saying that to make me feel better about myself. Whilst she had every right to have sex with other people because we weren’t together I can’t help feeling upset and jealous. She was a virgin before she came to the UK so didn’t have a great deal of experience. I held having sex with her as sacred and something really special when we were together however she knew these guys just wanted her for sex and she happily gave it them.
The second issue is I found out whilst we were apart she also travelled to a few different countries with her ex who lives in China. She says she sees him as like a family member but has no romantic feelings for him HOWEVER since we broke up she said he was in contact with her alot and was very supportive of her. She has told me guys like him are so hard to find, that will do anything for you and not ask for anything in return. She said after seeing his support if she decided to move back to China then she would marry him and have his kids. I felt sick hearing this.. is it just me or is this screwed up? She tells me she doesn’t want to be with him because he still loves me but if we didn’t have a future and she didn’t stay in the UK she would be with him.
At the moment my head feels so heavy, like a huge burden full of dread and jealousy. Thinking about her with other guys etc I know my head tells me to walk again but my heart is still with her.
Advise please!
Stick to your guns and your decision to end things.
You might have physical chemistry but the likelihood of all the original issues being resolved (or resolvable) is basically zero.
You might have physical chemistry but the likelihood of all the original issues being resolved (or resolvable) is basically zero.
So you are considering getting back together with a fatal attraction type of bunny boiler ex gf.
As your gut instinct is yelling warnings for you to stop having sex with her and end all communications.
A woman who has:
1) stalked you at your workplace,
2) refused to leave your home when requested after the relationship ended,
3) told you that she plans to marry her ex & have children with him if she returns home to China?
Do you want to live to see 36?
Or end up celebrating your birthdays for the next 2-30 years in either: an intensive care bed, prison cell, homeless shelter or secure unit being forcibly medicated and regularly wearing a straight jacket?
As your gut instinct is yelling warnings for you to stop having sex with her and end all communications.
A woman who has:
1) stalked you at your workplace,
2) refused to leave your home when requested after the relationship ended,
3) told you that she plans to marry her ex & have children with him if she returns home to China?
Do you want to live to see 36?
Or end up celebrating your birthdays for the next 2-30 years in either: an intensive care bed, prison cell, homeless shelter or secure unit being forcibly medicated and regularly wearing a straight jacket?
Is there an explanation why she would want to sleep with these guys and stay theirs so soon after our breakup? I feel like if I talk about this subject matter with her I will just come across as overly jealous. It’s like I want to know all the details but also want to know nothing. It was much easier when I knew nothing and we weren’t in contact but if I’m with her I want to understand her
Trouble is, you was adamant you wanted nothing more to do with her, but then awoke all those feelings again by sleeping with her.
Theres obviously a connection there, but at the same time shes no good for you.
You need to ask why you split up in the first place and has she changed? Doesnt seem like she has, so for your own mental health and her stop messing with your head, its best to split and have a clean break. And if you do see each other on dating apps, then just block so she does not see you.
Why shes slept with others so soon after your break up. She either a) couldnt care less about you and is more than happy to sleep with someone so soon, or B) she was on the rebound to try and get over you. or c) shes that desperate for intimacy she will take it any where she can. Either way it doesnt look good.
But that aside, dont analyse what she did when you split. Its why you split in the first place which you have to keep in mind.
Let her go to London, that distance between you will do you good. You can finally grieve over the break up and start looking up again.
Theres obviously a connection there, but at the same time shes no good for you.
You need to ask why you split up in the first place and has she changed? Doesnt seem like she has, so for your own mental health and her stop messing with your head, its best to split and have a clean break. And if you do see each other on dating apps, then just block so she does not see you.
Why shes slept with others so soon after your break up. She either a) couldnt care less about you and is more than happy to sleep with someone so soon, or B) she was on the rebound to try and get over you. or c) shes that desperate for intimacy she will take it any where she can. Either way it doesnt look good.
But that aside, dont analyse what she did when you split. Its why you split in the first place which you have to keep in mind.
Let her go to London, that distance between you will do you good. You can finally grieve over the break up and start looking up again.
I think in her mind I’m the one who should do more of the grovelling since I matched with her best friend 1 week after we broke up. The thing is her friend was actually talking to me on the app and didn’t mention her at all until she decided to unmatch due to feeling guilty. I guess maybe that is a big reason why she ended up sleeping with these guys to make herself feel better and knew there was no chance we’d get back together but she has already told me she knows they just wanted her for her body. I guess I’m just disappointed she felt the need to do that but hey.. maybe she actually enjoyed it and is just telling me she didn’t so much to not hurt me now
(edited 8 months ago)
We’ve had a long conversation about her sleeping with other guys. She said she felt like she was using them to try and fill the void but she didn’t love them. She said the 1st guy was older than me but looked younger than me. She said he’s handsome. More handsome than me but she loves me so it doesn’t matter. Is this just manipulation? I feel it’s really disrespectful to say these things up your partner/ex even if you think it’s true. I think she genuinely believes it. I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet but I’m not a bad looking guy at all but she’s always said she doesn’t find me handsome
I would highly advise to stop interacting with her and wasting your mental energy on trying to fathom her motivations. There is no benefit to trying to work out why she has slept with certain people.
Original post by Kaipa
We’ve had a long conversation about her sleeping with other guys. She said she felt like she was using them to try and fill the void but she didn’t love them. She said the 1st guy was older than me but looked younger than me. She said he’s handsome. More handsome than me but she loves me so it doesn’t matter. Is this just manipulation? I feel it’s really disrespectful to say these things up your partner/ex even if you think it’s true. I think she genuinely believes it. I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet but I’m not a bad looking guy at all but she’s always said she doesn’t find me handsome
Lmaooo what. How are you still fretting over this girl when she says crap like that? Just block and ignore her on everything and move on with your bloody life.
Original post by Kaipa
I know I totally agree I really should cut all contact again. I really need to thank you guys for your responses as it’s really helped me think clearer about the situation. Can I get some advise on the best thing to write to her before I cut it?
I learnt from breaking up with my ex that words tend to be lost on the other party. It doesn't matter what you say, the only thing that'll stick in their minds is that "you're cutting me off". So really, just keep it short and concise. Give a brief explanation of why you're cutting her out and then say goodbye and block her everywhere. Maybe a warning that trying to contact you in any way, shape or form will lead to you swiftly reporting her to the police for harassment.
She's no good... I hope you follow through, for your own good.
Given her stalkery behaviour, I think you should stick to your guns and do not get back with her, she does not sound right, you'll find someone who is right for you.
Original post by Scotland Yard
I learnt from breaking up with my ex that words tend to be lost on the other party. It doesn't matter what you say, the only thing that'll stick in their minds is that "you're cutting me off". So really, just keep it short and concise. Give a brief explanation of why you're cutting her out and then say goodbye and block her everywhere. Maybe a warning that trying to contact you in any way, shape or form will lead to you swiftly reporting her to the police for harassment.
She's no good... I hope you follow through, for your own good.
She's no good... I hope you follow through, for your own good.
I understand where you're coming from, but isn't that really extreme and drastic to say you'll tell the police if they contact you in any way at all?? Especially if you give only a brief explanation of why you're cutting them out. Depends what they've done to you to get dumped I suppose. If it's cheating or abuse, then I agree (definitely if it's abuse). And also I understand you if they are being stalkery like the OP's ex. But otherwise that's too extreme.
Original post by Anonymous
I understand where you're coming from, but isn't that really extreme and drastic to say you'll tell the police if they contact you in any way at all?? Especially if you give only a brief explanation of why you're cutting them out. Depends what they've done to you to get dumped I suppose. If it's cheating or abuse, then I agree (definitely if it's abuse). And also I understand you if they are being stalkery like the OP's ex. But otherwise that's too extreme.
Yes, it's really drastic - I suggested it to OP purely on the ex's stalkery behaviour in the past. I didn't mean it as a general advice to everyone breaking up!
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