Social Anxiety and i might have Agoraphobia, ruined my junior and high school lives b

Here is my story. It began in mid 2014 when i was in 7th grade. I hope this never happened because i believe this is what holds me back all this time.

To graduate from 7th grade, the class was needed to create a drama by the art teacher. I didn't have a role. My job was moving stuff and closed the curtains. I was the backstage girl.

By the exam day, turned out the drama wasn't executed perfectly. We still graduated, don't worry, it just.... didn't go that well. The class was divided by two groups. Those who sided with the leader of the class and those who sided with me, but i wasn't the one who initiated the group. I admit i did a mistake either. In some parts i didn't close the curtains at the exact timing. The leader said, "If you are this bad at your job, then how bad it would be if you had a role in the drama?" She yelled at me. Everyone judged me hard.

I was shocked. The next day, i was really afraid to go to the class. My anxiety rose up and skyrocketed. Fortunately, an old friend assured me to go inside. The class was quiet. No one talked with each other. The leader was still ****ed. I couldn't stand the stare from everyone. I left home immediately as soon as possible.

She had also make mistakes, some students also did, but they had their reasons. Still, she, the leader was the most absurd of all. She said just because she was the one who took a part in making the script, the was no way shead any mistake when she performed her role. The mistake i saw was she said some lines wrong. Her denition was irritating.

I should have had stand up for myself.

It should not have affected me too long until this second. Since pandemic, i have been despising the anxiety i have been currently through.

I wish i could did different. I wish i could go back to mid 2014. I wish i could start my 8th grade differently.

Because of social anxiety, here are some absurd things i have did in my teenage years :
-at 14, when we had group project, we were in a classmate's house, i left WITHOUT saying goodbye to them. I pushed my red sling bag with my feet to the door that led me outside quietly. When everyone was busy watching TV, i left WITHOUT excusing myself. I am, still, felt terrible about this. I don't know to whom i should apologize. To come to their house too, it took so much almighty in myself. I should have done this when i left too.

-At 16, in the first semester of 11th grade, i didn't come to my math extra class. I was very anxious to meet him because i didn't attend the premier class. I thought it was still holiday so i didn't bother to come. Because of this, i was scared of they thought of me. I had this negative feelings surrounding my head. I only came to it the next semester because my biology teacher dragged me to meet him. Turned out he was the greatest teacher that ever taught me. He was kind, a bit funny, and always talk nicely to me. I understood math easily from him. I'm regretting it to this second. Yes, using AM. He was that incredible as a teacher.

-Through high school, whenever there were group projects that involved visiting someone's house, i always declined. Imagine until 18 i declined to go to someone's house where at that age someone already go to many parties. My negative thought was they would not welcome me and i didn't where to escape even though THIS WAS NOT TRUE. My brain played tricks on me.

-At 19, when i thought i recovered, i only recovered a bit, i didn't tell my friends from my first major that i moved to another major. I thought this would be embarrassing. The thoughts of them would shame because i moved haunted me.Since last year, 2022, i reconnected with them. THEY ALL WELCOMED ME. I wanted to burst into tears, but i held it. I ended up telling them what major i studied now. They just say "okay". Just... that.... no prejudice or anything. I felt shallow. All this time... We are still friends, though not frequently meeting, that is okay. I know what they have been to now.