I Don’t Know Why I Am the Way I Am and I Wish I Was a Different Person (Long One)

This will probably be a long opening post, so sorry in advance. If you do want to read through the whole thing, thank you.

I struggle with a lack of motivation which I believe is caused by my depression, which I have had for the past few years, but I believe I have had it for most of my life for a variety of reasons. I go to college and get along well with the other people there, but I don't get along with them well enough to really be friends with them. I guess it's a case of 'friends with everyone, friends with nobody.' When I'm not at college I spend most of my time at home on my computer, sometimes talking to my friends on Discord and sometimes playing video games or doing work, but often I just do nothing because there's nothing to do.

I'm a bit fat and a bit ugly, even though almost nobody tells me that to my face. When I look in the mirror I automatically think 'you are so ugly, nobody will ever love you' and since I've never had a meaningful relationship with a girl in my life, I guess I'm right. I did have a girlfriend though, in late 2020, but we didn't get along very well and she said outright that I was ugly (she was right but it still hurt), then after we split up lied about me to her friends saying that I had used her for sex, even though I am still a virgin. Since then I think I've managed to look slightly better, but still not good enough.

Other than her, nothing. I want a relationship - I want to be loved - but I've never had any success. Other than the girl I talked about above, and one girl who asked me out in Year 6 which doesn't really count, I have never had any success asking people out. I tried Tinder for a while (not a great idea I know) and managed to get just four likes and no matches. I considered joining Bumble a little while ago but didn't in the end for obvious reasons.

In truth I want to improve myself. I want to be thinner so I might actually be somewhat attractive, and I want to be able to do my work properly, but I just can't make myself exercise or commit to working. I don't know why. I want to do it, but when it comes to pulling myself into it I just can't and it breaks my heart. There are other things about me I wish I could talk about but the forum rules mean I can't do it. I have a counsellor, but I also can't talk about it with her because she'd have to tell people and that would make the issue worse.

My whole life I've regretted the way I am, and I've always wished I was someone else. Somebody more sociable, someone better looking, someone more talented, someone capable of success, but I am not that person.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Hi I dont know how old you are , but based on the fact you're in college Im going to assume you're still relatively young. I would just like to let you know as someone who is older [and somewhat wiser, I like to think] , you have no idea how much your life can change overtime. today you're a college student who hates themselves , and tomorrow you are 30 in a career you love , with a partner who adores you for who you are and you can't remember why you ever so miserable to begin with. Life has a funny way of turning around in ways you least expect. My advice to you would be , do your best in college , make the most of the little moments, and try not to overthink the future. Lots of fat and ugly people go on to live fruitful lives, filled with love and joy. You will be fine.

Reply 2

Doomotron

OP

18

Original post by Anonymous #1

Hi I dont know how old you are , but based on the fact you're in college Im going to assume you're still relatively young. I would just like to let you know as someone who is older [and somewhat wiser, I like to think] , you have no idea how much your life can change overtime. today you're a college student who hates themselves , and tomorrow you are 30 in a career you love , with a partner who adores you for who you are and you can't remember why you ever so miserable to begin with. Life has a funny way of turning around in ways you least expect. My advice to you would be , do your best in college , make the most of the little moments, and try not to overthink the future. Lots of fat and ugly people go on to live fruitful lives, filled with love and joy. You will be fine.

Thank you, that made me feel a bit better.

I Don’t Know Why I Am the Way I Am and I Wish I Was a Different Person (Long One)

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