Just want to put this out here, since it's got nowhere else to go, and I need to let it out...
Right now, I feel like utter ****. Basically, like it'll be impossible for me to ever make new friends or have a relationship because I'm so ****ing weird and ugly. I hate myself. Properly hate myself. I see myself and I just want to kill me. I won't ever commit suicide though, I couldn't do that to my mum. Although, at times, the idea seems like absolute bliss.
If I had the chance to start again, I'd take it with both hands.
The thing is, I so desperately want to change. It's just so hard, and no matter how hard I try, I can't manage it. I try to be the person I'd like, or like to be. But it never works. I think that's why I detest myself so much - I fail. I never reach the standards I set for myself. I never work hard enough, I never do well enough, I never try enough.
I'm just a failure, and I'm ugly to boot.
I need to go to sleep now, I have school in the morning. But I'm just too exhausted to move. I've felt like this for so long, I feel like it's taken all the strength out of my muscles.
I guess I'll try anyway.
Thanks to anyone who bothers to read this, and I'm sorry for my pathetic whining - I just needed this to go somewhere.
G'night.