Should I let him out of the friend zone?
I started uni last october, from the first night of freshers there has been a guy I've got on incredibly well with, he's not particuarly attractive and a tiny bit large.
I had a boyfriend at the time and so never even considered him in any way other than a good mate.
Looking back in freshers i was being naive and while i never remember him trying to get off with me, i'd let him kiss my cheek and held his hand. I heard from others he thought i was fit and the guys would banter that he liked me, i honestly didn't click though.
Over time we've got very close, sometimes in the evenings he'd come over to my room to chat until late, once i was upset about something and he lay on my bed next to me but we didn't make any moves whatsoever.
I completely put him in the firend zone very early on although others joked stuff was going on we both brushed it off, he has a girlf, i have a boyf and we're just friends.
Over christmas I broke up with my boyfriend, he'd cheated on me and our relationship was fairly dead with him only making an effort when we visited each other and in between us just arguing about when we were free to call and why one of us hadn't replied to the others text etc...
I came back this term and the guy at uni was very awkward around me, not looking at me and we barely spoke for a few weeks until someone else pointed out to him how he was being and then he suddenly made an effort again and now we are close again.
He's told me things are very bad with his girlfriend, he only is able to see her int he holidays because she lives so far away. He says hes going to break up with her at easter.
Now he's said that and the situation of us both being single is likely, Ive realised I do have strong feelings for him. I don't find him physically attractive but I love his personality and how close and comfortable I am with him. I feel like he protects me and cares a lot, as do i for him. But a lot of this is in the same way I do for my best friends, I've strongly tried to keep him in the friend zone but recently I've started thinking 'what if' and realised I'd be very jealous of any other girl with him.
He really isn't at all physically attractive though, and people tell me i could do better, but i don't believe it.
I don't know what to do, I'm living with him in 2nd year so feel its a no go, i also dont want to ever loose our friendship and i have no idea how he feels about me..
I had a boyfriend at the time and so never even considered him in any way other than a good mate.
Looking back in freshers i was being naive and while i never remember him trying to get off with me, i'd let him kiss my cheek and held his hand. I heard from others he thought i was fit and the guys would banter that he liked me, i honestly didn't click though.
Over time we've got very close, sometimes in the evenings he'd come over to my room to chat until late, once i was upset about something and he lay on my bed next to me but we didn't make any moves whatsoever.
I completely put him in the firend zone very early on although others joked stuff was going on we both brushed it off, he has a girlf, i have a boyf and we're just friends.
Over christmas I broke up with my boyfriend, he'd cheated on me and our relationship was fairly dead with him only making an effort when we visited each other and in between us just arguing about when we were free to call and why one of us hadn't replied to the others text etc...
I came back this term and the guy at uni was very awkward around me, not looking at me and we barely spoke for a few weeks until someone else pointed out to him how he was being and then he suddenly made an effort again and now we are close again.
He's told me things are very bad with his girlfriend, he only is able to see her int he holidays because she lives so far away. He says hes going to break up with her at easter.
Now he's said that and the situation of us both being single is likely, Ive realised I do have strong feelings for him. I don't find him physically attractive but I love his personality and how close and comfortable I am with him. I feel like he protects me and cares a lot, as do i for him. But a lot of this is in the same way I do for my best friends, I've strongly tried to keep him in the friend zone but recently I've started thinking 'what if' and realised I'd be very jealous of any other girl with him.
He really isn't at all physically attractive though, and people tell me i could do better, but i don't believe it.
I don't know what to do, I'm living with him in 2nd year so feel its a no go, i also dont want to ever loose our friendship and i have no idea how he feels about me..
http://www.laddertheory.com/
Once in the friendzone, always in the FZ.
The only reason you're contemplating moving him out of the FZ is because you're crushed and disappointed by the recent ending of your previous relationship. In the fullness of time, you'd realise, he's still in the FZ and then you'd have an awful mess to clean up.
Once in the friendzone, always in the FZ.
The only reason you're contemplating moving him out of the FZ is because you're crushed and disappointed by the recent ending of your previous relationship. In the fullness of time, you'd realise, he's still in the FZ and then you'd have an awful mess to clean up.
The fact that you're committed to living with him next year seals it for me -- keep in FZ. I agree with masterfulprof - the mess would be too great if anything went wrong between you two (the living situation by itself would be a huge problem...)
You say you're not physically attracted to him. He doesn't have to be the most handsome man you've met for you to be attracted to him, so it's fine to keep him in the friend zone if the attraction isn't there. You'll still be healing from your break-up so make sure you don't get into a rebound relationship.
The rules as dictated by society state that once one is in the 'friend zone', one is not allowed out of the 'friend zone'. Please respect the rules. The 'friend zone' is not a fabricated illusion. I assure you, it is very real. Do not think for yourself about what would be best for you. Instead, listen to what other people tell you to do. It is important to do what other people do. Well done for making this thread because it is important you listen to what other people tell you to do. Thank you for staying obedient.
(edited 12 years ago)
You guys would make horrible wingmen.
You know what I think? Give the guy a chance. It could go either way; good or bad... but you live once. Sometimes we need to act on impulses and hope for the best. It's all part of life. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Also, there's nothing worse than being stuck in the FZ. Nothing.
You know what I think? Give the guy a chance. It could go either way; good or bad... but you live once. Sometimes we need to act on impulses and hope for the best. It's all part of life. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Also, there's nothing worse than being stuck in the FZ. Nothing.
bdds, there are several viewpoints to this.
I agree, from the dude's viewpoint, he should go for it. He's going to crash and burn ultimately, but maybe he can have some fun first.
Yes the FZ blows more than anything else. It is diabolic incarceration. More girls should be forced to feel it, it might change their views.
From the OP's female viewpoint, she is conflicted and her emotions about this aren't going to be the same as his. She is not convinced even now that the balance of attraction is strong.
So wait till he puts the not-very-smooth moves on her, and she's going to feel so conflicted by his not-very-attractiveness and her acquiescence, there will be a ton of posts here.
BTW, I never was a good "wingman." Hanging around with other guys reduced the amount of action that I got. Guys need to be alone, and get girls alone, for there to be any chance of hookup. Never with big groups and quite rarely with small groups.
I agree, from the dude's viewpoint, he should go for it. He's going to crash and burn ultimately, but maybe he can have some fun first.
Yes the FZ blows more than anything else. It is diabolic incarceration. More girls should be forced to feel it, it might change their views.
From the OP's female viewpoint, she is conflicted and her emotions about this aren't going to be the same as his. She is not convinced even now that the balance of attraction is strong.
So wait till he puts the not-very-smooth moves on her, and she's going to feel so conflicted by his not-very-attractiveness and her acquiescence, there will be a ton of posts here.
BTW, I never was a good "wingman." Hanging around with other guys reduced the amount of action that I got. Guys need to be alone, and get girls alone, for there to be any chance of hookup. Never with big groups and quite rarely with small groups.
Original post by masterfulprof
From the OP's female viewpoint, she is conflicted and her emotions about this aren't going to be the same as his. She is not convinced even now that the balance of attraction is strong.
It's really important to feel like you have chemistry with someone before you start dating otherwise the love will die all the sooner. The fact she is feeling so conflicted at the moment is a major red flag. She would not be feeling like this if she was really into the guy. If I have to think about whether I like someone enough to date them then the chances are that I don't, and it's not something you should have to think about. The beginnings of a new relationship shouldn't be filled with such internal conflict.
I know that "balance of attraction" isn't the be-all-end-all (before someone calls me out on this). But with more experience you get to know that it's more important than you think.
I have a friend zone situation a little like this, he's a nice guy and we're good friends and he's funny and we hang out a lot. He likes me and he's always very protective of me when we're out in clubs and stuff, and he gives me his coat when it's cold and texts me things like "you looked really cute last night =)" and I'm not attracted to him, but I feel like I should just have a relationship with him because he's a nice person, and I feel guilty about not being physically attracted to him because that I'm placing too much importance on looks.
Sometimes you love a guy as a friend and it's good to keep it that way.
Sometimes you love a guy as a friend and it's good to keep it that way.
Original post by Anonymous
I started uni last october, from the first night of freshers there has been a guy I've got on incredibly well with, he's not particuarly attractive and a tiny bit large.
I had a boyfriend at the time and so never even considered him in any way other than a good mate.
Looking back in freshers i was being naive and while i never remember him trying to get off with me, i'd let him kiss my cheek and held his hand. I heard from others he thought i was fit and the guys would banter that he liked me, i honestly didn't click though.
Over time we've got very close, sometimes in the evenings he'd come over to my room to chat until late, once i was upset about something and he lay on my bed next to me but we didn't make any moves whatsoever.
I completely put him in the firend zone very early on although others joked stuff was going on we both brushed it off, he has a girlf, i have a boyf and we're just friends.
Over christmas I broke up with my boyfriend, he'd cheated on me and our relationship was fairly dead with him only making an effort when we visited each other and in between us just arguing about when we were free to call and why one of us hadn't replied to the others text etc...
I came back this term and the guy at uni was very awkward around me, not looking at me and we barely spoke for a few weeks until someone else pointed out to him how he was being and then he suddenly made an effort again and now we are close again.
He's told me things are very bad with his girlfriend, he only is able to see her int he holidays because she lives so far away. He says hes going to break up with her at easter.
Now he's said that and the situation of us both being single is likely, Ive realised I do have strong feelings for him. I don't find him physically attractive but I love his personality and how close and comfortable I am with him. I feel like he protects me and cares a lot, as do i for him. But a lot of this is in the same way I do for my best friends, I've strongly tried to keep him in the friend zone but recently I've started thinking 'what if' and realised I'd be very jealous of any other girl with him.
He really isn't at all physically attractive though, and people tell me i could do better, but i don't believe it.
I don't know what to do, I'm living with him in 2nd year so feel its a no go, i also dont want to ever loose our friendship and i have no idea how he feels about me..
I had a boyfriend at the time and so never even considered him in any way other than a good mate.
Looking back in freshers i was being naive and while i never remember him trying to get off with me, i'd let him kiss my cheek and held his hand. I heard from others he thought i was fit and the guys would banter that he liked me, i honestly didn't click though.
Over time we've got very close, sometimes in the evenings he'd come over to my room to chat until late, once i was upset about something and he lay on my bed next to me but we didn't make any moves whatsoever.
I completely put him in the firend zone very early on although others joked stuff was going on we both brushed it off, he has a girlf, i have a boyf and we're just friends.
Over christmas I broke up with my boyfriend, he'd cheated on me and our relationship was fairly dead with him only making an effort when we visited each other and in between us just arguing about when we were free to call and why one of us hadn't replied to the others text etc...
I came back this term and the guy at uni was very awkward around me, not looking at me and we barely spoke for a few weeks until someone else pointed out to him how he was being and then he suddenly made an effort again and now we are close again.
He's told me things are very bad with his girlfriend, he only is able to see her int he holidays because she lives so far away. He says hes going to break up with her at easter.
Now he's said that and the situation of us both being single is likely, Ive realised I do have strong feelings for him. I don't find him physically attractive but I love his personality and how close and comfortable I am with him. I feel like he protects me and cares a lot, as do i for him. But a lot of this is in the same way I do for my best friends, I've strongly tried to keep him in the friend zone but recently I've started thinking 'what if' and realised I'd be very jealous of any other girl with him.
He really isn't at all physically attractive though, and people tell me i could do better, but i don't believe it.
I don't know what to do, I'm living with him in 2nd year so feel its a no go, i also dont want to ever loose our friendship and i have no idea how he feels about me..
Original post by hollyhollywood92
I have a friend zone situation a little like this, he's a nice guy and we're good friends and he's funny and we hang out a lot. He likes me and he's always very protective of me when we're out in clubs and stuff, and he gives me his coat when it's cold and texts me things like "you looked really cute last night =)" and I'm not attracted to him, but I feel like I should just have a relationship with him because he's a nice person, and I feel guilty about not being physically attracted to him because that I'm placing too much importance on looks.
Sometimes you love a guy as a friend and it's good to keep it that way.
Sometimes you love a guy as a friend and it's good to keep it that way.
Don't feel guilty. Attractiveness is pretty intangible. You're probably sub-consciously judging him on more than looks anyway. The truth is that people decide whether someone could be a dating prospect within moments of meeting them. Don't date someone because they're "a nice person". By doing that you're making them your second-best and no one wants to feel like they're in that position.
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