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Feline Ransom Note
You humans make me laugh. Do you honestly think I actually enjoy having fishbreath? And don't give me that codswollop about Ocean White Fish and Foil Sealed For Freshness. Bluddy ridiculous. Have you ever tried it? No, indeed you haven't. And why is that exactly? Well I'll tell you. Because it is made of bladders, brains and fins and you'd be sick. Ocean Dangly Bits in Wobbly Stuff more like. Why do you think I wipe my lips up against the sofa and dribble frantically as I do it? No I am not having a catgasm. No I haven't been at the catnip. No I don't feel frisky. I feel like I've rubbed my tongue on a goat's arse. That's why.
Then there's those slug pellets you give me for breakfast. What in Heaven's Name are thy all about? Let's look at the evidence. You sit there eating toast and marmalade, with your Earl Grey and Mocha Java, freshly squeezed orange juice and cereal all piled up. What do you do for me? Rattle out a pile of dessicated rabbit poo which smells like it's been kept up a rat's fanny for a fortnight.
Well I'll tell you something about the perky cat on the front of the packet. His name is Sid. He smokes forty a day for money. He has no hair on his back and has oversized testicles as a result of the constant attention his marriage tackle has received from a microwave machine which is kept in his cage and goes off every time he wants something to eat. They keep him in a secure unit in Cambridge and use him to test hand cream. Why is he smiling? Because they've sewn his bumhole closed for convenience and the stitches are a bit tight. He is not smiling inside.
All this has to stop. Here are my ten demands:
1. An automatic cat flap. No more demeaning headbanging. I want something which opens as I approach it or, alternatively, a doorman. Preferably one of your dogs. It's a simple enough trick and I am sure he can manage it.
2. Taramosalata on blinis for breakfast. A light lunch of calves' liver. A two-course dinner commencing with a consomme (rabbit, preferably) and then beef wellington. Occasionally a dessert would be nice. Let's say Tarte Tatin on Fridays, rhubarb sorbet on Saturdays if requested by 5pm on that day.
3. A right to poo in the vegetable patch without being watched, you pervert. Just a simple request that you put your sexual preferences second to my bodily functions.
4. A proper bed. Why must I sit in a cardboard box on top of the boiler? You don't.
5. Some proper cigars. Chewing catnip is demeaning. Cohiba or no deal.
6. The keys to the Maserati on Thursdays.
7. A right to be spooked by wind without you laughing. If your anus was open to the air you'd jump too.
8. A net over the top of the bird table.
9. A silent dog whistle for recreational use.
10. Roller blades (two pairs).
These are simple demands and they must be megghhhh ghhhhhh ghhhhh ghhhh ack acggghhhewweeeecchhhew!
Sorry, furball.
Ahem.
They must be met.
Over to you.
Then there's those slug pellets you give me for breakfast. What in Heaven's Name are thy all about? Let's look at the evidence. You sit there eating toast and marmalade, with your Earl Grey and Mocha Java, freshly squeezed orange juice and cereal all piled up. What do you do for me? Rattle out a pile of dessicated rabbit poo which smells like it's been kept up a rat's fanny for a fortnight.
Well I'll tell you something about the perky cat on the front of the packet. His name is Sid. He smokes forty a day for money. He has no hair on his back and has oversized testicles as a result of the constant attention his marriage tackle has received from a microwave machine which is kept in his cage and goes off every time he wants something to eat. They keep him in a secure unit in Cambridge and use him to test hand cream. Why is he smiling? Because they've sewn his bumhole closed for convenience and the stitches are a bit tight. He is not smiling inside.
All this has to stop. Here are my ten demands:
1. An automatic cat flap. No more demeaning headbanging. I want something which opens as I approach it or, alternatively, a doorman. Preferably one of your dogs. It's a simple enough trick and I am sure he can manage it.
2. Taramosalata on blinis for breakfast. A light lunch of calves' liver. A two-course dinner commencing with a consomme (rabbit, preferably) and then beef wellington. Occasionally a dessert would be nice. Let's say Tarte Tatin on Fridays, rhubarb sorbet on Saturdays if requested by 5pm on that day.
3. A right to poo in the vegetable patch without being watched, you pervert. Just a simple request that you put your sexual preferences second to my bodily functions.
4. A proper bed. Why must I sit in a cardboard box on top of the boiler? You don't.
5. Some proper cigars. Chewing catnip is demeaning. Cohiba or no deal.
6. The keys to the Maserati on Thursdays.
7. A right to be spooked by wind without you laughing. If your anus was open to the air you'd jump too.
8. A net over the top of the bird table.
9. A silent dog whistle for recreational use.
10. Roller blades (two pairs).
These are simple demands and they must be megghhhh ghhhhhh ghhhhh ghhhh ack acggghhhewweeeecchhhew!
Sorry, furball.
Ahem.
They must be met.
Over to you.
hahaha 
love it!
love it!
loopymeg
It's good, but I might upset you in mentioning that cat food is supposed to be safe for humans to eat....
I've tried it. Chicken and tuna chunks in jelly I believe. Tasted alright actually...
Segat1
Try Oxford.
such an enigmatic post...cool avatar btw
loopymeg
It's good, but I might upset you in mentioning that cat food is supposed to be safe for humans to eat....
id sooner eat a coliflower (i hate em)
id prefer cat food to mcdonalds though
I can so picture my cat writing something like this.Except he sleeps on my bed.
When he licks his butt my sister and I always point and laugh...he always looks a bit...puzzled...lol.
Aww poor Roy,such an intelligent little cat!
When he licks his butt my sister and I always point and laugh...he always looks a bit...puzzled...lol.
Aww poor Roy,such an intelligent little cat!
Having met demands 2, 3 and 4, i shall meet the remaining, on the condition that the following 3 demands are met first:
1. Stop biting me then running off
2. Stop clawing my feet when im sleeping
3. Stop crawling under paper on my floor, throwing up hairballs, crawling back out, and pushing more paper over the top in a vain attempt to bury it so that it isnt discovered until things start to grow on it.
4. If your gonna go outside then a) clean and dry your muddy paws and b) dont drip blood everywhere after fighting with the neighbours cat.
Negotiations have begun
(thought to self: hopefully thatll distract him long enough to cage him and sell his fur as a scarf)
sorry for digging up an old(ish) thread, but im bored so...meh
1. Stop biting me then running off
2. Stop clawing my feet when im sleeping
3. Stop crawling under paper on my floor, throwing up hairballs, crawling back out, and pushing more paper over the top in a vain attempt to bury it so that it isnt discovered until things start to grow on it.
4. If your gonna go outside then a) clean and dry your muddy paws and b) dont drip blood everywhere after fighting with the neighbours cat.
Negotiations have begun
(thought to self: hopefully thatll distract him long enough to cage him and sell his fur as a scarf)
sorry for digging up an old(ish) thread, but im bored so...meh
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