English language p1 q5
can someone mark this for me pls out of 40? 24 for content and 16 for technical accuracy
Crash. The merciless winds caused the enormous waves to crash and erupt like lava coming down from a raging volcano. Civilians who lived in the tiny lodges next door to the sea rapidly escaped their homes as the thick grey menacing clouds above them let out a huge roar as heavy bullets of rain smacked the concrete grounds. The long, busy train halted at a stop as the driver stressfully evacuated every passenger. It was extremely dangerous for the train to continue its journey. The passengers awfully traumatized; searched for nearby shelter as the weather roared louder than a lion who hasn’t filled its stomach in years.There was no escape to this deadly disaster.
The strong putrid smell of thick, intoxicating smoke strangled me as i struggled to breathe. It was coming from the train-That was not a pleasant sign. The smell of sea water surrounded the grimy atmosphere as the waves began coming closer and closer.
Screams and Cries was all i could hear. My heart was pounding like a drum. This was the first time something like this has ever happened and the town was petrified like a helpless feline being chased by a horrifying,muscular dog. The ongoing storm was so severe that you could hear the crashing waves from miles away.
Sharp bullets of rain smacked by sore back as I hid under my own T-shirt for protection against the rain as it was a huge risk to take cover inside the small houses..and we couldn’t take that risk. I felt anxiety within myself as i plastered a fake smile on my face trying to reassure the stressed civilians that everything will be okay. The thing is, I did not know if it was going to be okay, neither did i know how long the deadly storm was going to last for. We all had to stay positive though, and we all had to stay patient.
I secretly attempted to control my anxiety as i felt as if i was going to fall into a panic attack, however i could not under any circumstance as the civilians would get even more worried and that was the last thing i needed. I grabbed my half squashed plastic water bottle as i guzzled it down faster than lightning. I felt fresh and relieved after. However the storm didn’t as it continued behaving disgracefully and unpleasantly and would not stop. It was then i knew deep inside that there was no escape to this deadly disaster.
Crash. The merciless winds caused the enormous waves to crash and erupt like lava coming down from a raging volcano. Civilians who lived in the tiny lodges next door to the sea rapidly escaped their homes as the thick grey menacing clouds above them let out a huge roar as heavy bullets of rain smacked the concrete grounds. The long, busy train halted at a stop as the driver stressfully evacuated every passenger. It was extremely dangerous for the train to continue its journey. The passengers awfully traumatized; searched for nearby shelter as the weather roared louder than a lion who hasn’t filled its stomach in years.There was no escape to this deadly disaster.
The strong putrid smell of thick, intoxicating smoke strangled me as i struggled to breathe. It was coming from the train-That was not a pleasant sign. The smell of sea water surrounded the grimy atmosphere as the waves began coming closer and closer.
Screams and Cries was all i could hear. My heart was pounding like a drum. This was the first time something like this has ever happened and the town was petrified like a helpless feline being chased by a horrifying,muscular dog. The ongoing storm was so severe that you could hear the crashing waves from miles away.
Sharp bullets of rain smacked by sore back as I hid under my own T-shirt for protection against the rain as it was a huge risk to take cover inside the small houses..and we couldn’t take that risk. I felt anxiety within myself as i plastered a fake smile on my face trying to reassure the stressed civilians that everything will be okay. The thing is, I did not know if it was going to be okay, neither did i know how long the deadly storm was going to last for. We all had to stay positive though, and we all had to stay patient.
I secretly attempted to control my anxiety as i felt as if i was going to fall into a panic attack, however i could not under any circumstance as the civilians would get even more worried and that was the last thing i needed. I grabbed my half squashed plastic water bottle as i guzzled it down faster than lightning. I felt fresh and relieved after. However the storm didn’t as it continued behaving disgracefully and unpleasantly and would not stop. It was then i knew deep inside that there was no escape to this deadly disaster.
I would recommend showing this to your English teacher who will give you much more accurate feedback and marks than anyone on here!
Original post by FutureMedic789
I would recommend showing this to your English teacher who will give you much more accurate feedback and marks than anyone on here!
my teacher never has time unfortunately 🥲🥲, she always says she’s busy
Could you give it to any other English teachers in your school maybe? I wouldnt want to give you any misleading advice as I am not a qualified English teacher
Original post by FutureMedic789
Could you give it to any other English teachers in your school maybe? I wouldnt want to give you any misleading advice as I am not a qualified English teacher
I did but i want to see another persons point of view because it depends on the examiner and what they want really
Ok then as someone who achieved grade 9 in Eng Lang last year I will try and offer some advice....
Positives:
Very vivid sensory description with lots of good techniques used
Nice range of sentence forms
Nice circular structure at the end
Points of improvement:
Maybe practise using more advanced punctuation (semi colon, dashes etc) as you haven't quite used it correctly here, but this is a quick fix
Some more varied sentence starters - start with an adverb, a simile, a time expression - a useful technique Mr Salles on youtube recommends is to start each sentence with a different word. This will prevent you from using too much "The..." or "I...".
Try and think about your language choices a little bit more closely, For this question, you have to work really hard to sustain your tone throughout the piece and to make sure every language choice you make is effective. For example, "erupt like lava" seems a little cliche, could you think of a more original way to consider the threat of the waves? For example, "the waves invaded the town, devastating its civilians with relish" gives it almost a military feel. Then continue this theme throughout the writing (this is an extended metaphor). When you are considering every word that you write on the page closely to examine its effect, that is when you will get into the top bands. I hope this helps!
Positives:
Very vivid sensory description with lots of good techniques used
Nice range of sentence forms
Nice circular structure at the end
Points of improvement:
Maybe practise using more advanced punctuation (semi colon, dashes etc) as you haven't quite used it correctly here, but this is a quick fix
Some more varied sentence starters - start with an adverb, a simile, a time expression - a useful technique Mr Salles on youtube recommends is to start each sentence with a different word. This will prevent you from using too much "The..." or "I...".
Try and think about your language choices a little bit more closely, For this question, you have to work really hard to sustain your tone throughout the piece and to make sure every language choice you make is effective. For example, "erupt like lava" seems a little cliche, could you think of a more original way to consider the threat of the waves? For example, "the waves invaded the town, devastating its civilians with relish" gives it almost a military feel. Then continue this theme throughout the writing (this is an extended metaphor). When you are considering every word that you write on the page closely to examine its effect, that is when you will get into the top bands. I hope this helps!
Original post by FutureMedic789
Ok then as someone who achieved grade 9 in Eng Lang last year I will try and offer some advice....
Positives:
Very vivid sensory description with lots of good techniques used
Nice range of sentence forms
Nice circular structure at the end
Points of improvement:
Maybe practise using more advanced punctuation (semi colon, dashes etc) as you haven't quite used it correctly here, but this is a quick fix
Some more varied sentence starters - start with an adverb, a simile, a time expression - a useful technique Mr Salles on youtube recommends is to start each sentence with a different word. This will prevent you from using too much "The..." or "I...".
Try and think about your language choices a little bit more closely, For this question, you have to work really hard to sustain your tone throughout the piece and to make sure every language choice you make is effective. For example, "erupt like lava" seems a little cliche, could you think of a more original way to consider the threat of the waves? For example, "the waves invaded the town, devastating its civilians with relish" gives it almost a military feel. Then continue this theme throughout the writing (this is an extended metaphor). When you are considering every word that you write on the page closely to examine its effect, that is when you will get into the top bands. I hope this helps!
Positives:
Very vivid sensory description with lots of good techniques used
Nice range of sentence forms
Nice circular structure at the end
Points of improvement:
Maybe practise using more advanced punctuation (semi colon, dashes etc) as you haven't quite used it correctly here, but this is a quick fix
Some more varied sentence starters - start with an adverb, a simile, a time expression - a useful technique Mr Salles on youtube recommends is to start each sentence with a different word. This will prevent you from using too much "The..." or "I...".
Try and think about your language choices a little bit more closely, For this question, you have to work really hard to sustain your tone throughout the piece and to make sure every language choice you make is effective. For example, "erupt like lava" seems a little cliche, could you think of a more original way to consider the threat of the waves? For example, "the waves invaded the town, devastating its civilians with relish" gives it almost a military feel. Then continue this theme throughout the writing (this is an extended metaphor). When you are considering every word that you write on the page closely to examine its effect, that is when you will get into the top bands. I hope this helps!
how would you use a extended metaphor throughout your story ?
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Where can I find pre written stories for Q5 paper 1 GCSEs English language please?
- English gcse
- College entry criteria
- Eng lang
- AQA GCSE English Language Paper 2 (8700/2) - 9th November 2023 [Exam Chat]
- AQA English Language Paper 1 and 2
- My story on how I failed English Language!
- Asking for help
- English Language GCSE surprise stories?
- how should i approach english language paper 1 (year 10 mock)
- I’m rlly bad at English lit and lang
- help
- eng lang
- Edexcel igcse english language a 2024 may paper 1
- AQA English language paper 1 - HELP I MESSED UP
- gcse english language paper 1
- English Language GCSE AQA
- English language
- AQA GCSE English Language Paper 2 (8700/2) - Monday 12th June [Exam Chat]
- English Language GCSE AQA
Latest
Trending
Last reply 2 days ago
went from 3s to 9s with (literally) night before revision - ask me anythingGCSEs
59
Trending
Last reply 2 days ago
went from 3s to 9s with (literally) night before revision - ask me anythingGCSEs
59
